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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not tell everyone when I'm in labour, DH livid

420 replies

ROTFLBSST · 27/04/2018 21:45

I'm currently overdue and experiencing the constant barrage from friends and family of 'any movements', 'baby on the way yet?' 'Make sure to tell us when you're off to hospital'. I know it's a reflection of people caring but still...it's infuriating.

It's our first DC so wanted us to have some time (say half a day) as a three before telling everyone, said this to DH last night and he went quiet saying his family had asked to know when we're on the way to the hospital so they can pray for us. Explained that I want us to focus on the birth (hard to avoid I know) and not social media and left it at that. When making dinner this eve I raised it again and he was livid, said I didn't push last night but he doesn't understand why I don't want his family to know. They care and it's happy news why keep it from them? He's adamant on telling them when things kick off.

I really get on well with his family so it's not that at all. I'm not planning on telling any of my friends or family either until little one is here and we're all OK. I'm also a lot more private than my DH though to be fair, I don't like our news being spread like gossip.

Aibu to ask him to do this for me? I realise it's an event for us both but in the reverse situation I know I'd respect his wishes.

OP posts:
Shesaid · 29/04/2018 17:28

Fully get your anxiety and need for privacy. Is there not a way that you can involve DH (DD) in designing the moment of birth so that you get your privacy and he gets to have a broader family moment? When I gave birth, DH did all the media, but left me blissfully unaware. He even managed to keep visits at bay until Day 3 because I was feeling so intense and fragile with DS. But he got to be the proud Father, relaying the news to the waiting family.

Yb23487643 · 29/04/2018 17:31

Your psychological state can affect your labour - I was having Home birth & my contractions stopped for 10-12hrs when the midwife turned up, & started again 1/2hr after she left. I think I needed the privacy or something? YANBU. They can pray for you everyday anyway just in case (as if it would make any difference). Your wishes trump theirs & his million times over!

AmoAngelus · 29/04/2018 17:36

We announced when we went into hospital, but I was induced so we had a date and time for that. Only my parents and husband knew when things started happening because they were there and quite frankly there was enough to do without the running tally of who we told and who we didn't. When my daughter arrived we posted a general announcement on fb and let whoever cared find out that way, but it was at least noon the next day. My MIL was livid that we didn't tell her the second my child arrived... If we ever had another we'd do it again. Once I announced we had to turn the phones off for the constant stream of messages. We didn't need it, we just needed to rest with the baby and not be bombarded.

YANBU

summerstorm · 29/04/2018 17:42

Why on earth would you want to tell anyone when you go to the hospital. It could be a long labour and it means everyone on edge longer than nessecary. As a mother of 4 and grandmother of 9 personally I wouldn’t tell anyone until baby has arrived with the first. You can’t really do that with any subsequent ones as someone needs to babysit the first. I realise family are excited but if they are constantly asking question now, will they be able to contain themselves or turn up at the hospital waiting room and become a nuisance to the staff

Sparklyglitter · 29/04/2018 17:46

Why don’t you ask your DH if you can come to a compromise? He tells his immediate family when things kick off, but that they are under strict instructions not to say anything? It should be your job as parents to tell people the good news...???

MissDuke · 29/04/2018 17:48

I am also curious as to what religion this is as I haven't heard of this. Is your DH an active member too?

In a way I cannot help thinking you should be grateful they are interested enough to want to know (my inlaws were not) but on the other hand I feel strongly that this is your choice to make.

Mmest75 · 29/04/2018 17:49

I’m so with you ...
I planned DD1 at home - so no induction route. She was almost 3 weeks late...
I ended up sending a group text - saying please stop asking me - any baby yet?! I won’t be keeping it a secret ...
wgeb the day arrived .... no one knew until she safely arrived ...
i make a point of only sending ...
hows the blooming bump, hope your keeping well
etc ...
😬😬😬😬😬

blueluce85 · 29/04/2018 17:51

I don't understand why people don't want others to know when in labour, they aren't asking to be present, just to know when their grandchild is on the way

ChikiTIKI · 29/04/2018 18:06

Everyone knew we weren't going to tell them when I was in labour. I ended up being induced. Had a very traumatic birth. Baby born at 5pm and we finally were able to phone people the next day without crying. If they had known when I was being induced, 2 days before we called them, it wouldn't have been a great time for them. Waiting so long to hear.

I needed my husband's support when in labour. I didn't need him to be on the phone assuring family members who wouldn't have been worried at all had they not known I was in labour.

LoislovesStewie · 29/04/2018 18:06

What concerns me is that if it is so important that they feel that they have to pray when you are in labour then what else is going to be important for them? I hope that they don't then request other rituals or religious obligations which you might be unhappy with.

neveradullmoment99 · 29/04/2018 18:20

I don't see it as a big deal. I got my dh to phone my mum and tell her that I was in labour. Then I just went into hospital and was too busy to think about it, so just got on with it. I think you are over thinking it.

noeffingidea · 29/04/2018 18:21

I don't understand why people don't want others to know when in labour
Because some people see it as a private matter, thats all. Why do you need to understand?
Some people prefer to keep all their medical infirmation private, even from their next of kin, and thats perfectly fine. Other people should respect that.

blueluce85 · 29/04/2018 18:34

Having a baby isn't something medical! And everyone has been well aware of the pregnancy... It's not really a surprise what comes next!!

ChikiTIKI · 29/04/2018 18:43

Oh and my mum cried and said she wanted to know when I was in labour so she could pray for me. I told her she can pray for me whenever she likes and doesn't need to wait til I'm in labour or know exactly what's going on. She is such a worrier it would have been awful for her to know I was being induced, she would have had 2 nights without much sleep. I looked after my friends child when she was in labour and didn't sleep all night because I am a worrier too. Worried about her and worried her child would wake and be upset. Didn't tell her that though!

GreenTulips · 29/04/2018 18:45

It's not really a surprise what comes next!!

Doesn't mean it need announcing

swingsandmusic · 29/04/2018 18:46

If it is your first then labour could be quite long. I was induced with my first. I was in hospital for several days while they tried to get my body to actually do something. I am not sure at what point in the process I began to be "in labour".

If DH had let family know when I went into hospital the people who really care, like my parents would have spent a long time waiting which may have caused then unnecessary worry. DH would have had to spend time replying to messages and reassuring my Mum. We just let people know as soon as DS1 was born and everyone seemed happy enough.

Good luck with everything.

Bekstar · 29/04/2018 18:46

Totally agree with your DH, I have a large family and when I was pregnant everyone wanted to know when I was on way to hospital. I f act I might have well gave birth over social media cos I was Facebooking at 9 n a half cm dilated. But I understand your wish for privacy. Would it not be easier to tell people your in labour and that you want a day or two with your baby n hubby before any visitors. That way they can all still celebrate in their own way, pray etc and leave you to enjoy your time with baby. Some of my family were actually waiting outside while I was in labour but I don't think I'd do it any other way.

Twounder1 · 29/04/2018 18:48

No. I made my dp do the same when we were expecting ds 4 weeks ago. I was 4 days overdue.
We had a huge uproar with his side of the family but you're the one having the baby etc. Be selfish. It's a huge thing and constant bombardment after having a baby is the last thing you want.

GreenTulips · 29/04/2018 18:52

We had a huge uproar with his side of the family

Just why? Why do they feel they NEED to be told and NEED to know? It's seriously none of their business!!

My familly would never rock up at the hospital to wait - even DSis who had my eldest waited until DH rang and then asked when she should brings DD to see the baby.

It's just bad manners! Nobody would do this if you had a knee op!!

JeremyCorbynsBeard · 29/04/2018 18:55

I agree with you OP. It's nobody else's business. We told no one until we were home the next day. And you know what? I still look back on those few hours and how special they were. A whole new person in the world and only me and DH knew about him. It was a very special time, and I'd urge you to try to persuade your DH of this. It's got nothing to do with his parents, and as for praying - what good is that going to do?

Stick to your guns - you're the one in labour after all. Oh and best of luck with the birth Smile

Snowman123 · 29/04/2018 18:56

They just want to share in the excitement.

Fast forward 25 years and its your son or daughter going to hospital for a new baby. Would you like to know?

WazFlimFlam · 29/04/2018 18:58

You 'don't understand' blueluce85? Are you this confused generally?

Chocwocdoodah · 29/04/2018 18:59

I think it’s a little bit unfair OP. All they want to do is pray for you and join the excitement.

I can understand you not wanting to constantly update throughout labour or have them there the minute the baby arrives but just letting them know things are happening isn’t such a big deal is it?

Why don’t you just agree to let them know when things kick off but tell them after that, you’ll turn off your phones until you contact them to say the baby’s been born. And then make it clear you don’t want visitors til x time.

It’s not quite the same but a lot of my friends made me promise them I’d let them know when I was in labour - which I did. But not one of them did the same when they had their own babies. I felt quite hurt when the first I heard was a mssg saying that the baby had been born the day before/ last night etc. All I’d wanted was to be thinking of them during their labours like they did with me.

Louiselouie0890 · 29/04/2018 19:04

Yabu. For me your body your choice doesn't come into it as they're not asking to come to the hospital. It's his child too it's his news too. Ask him to tell them then turn his phone off. I honestly don't see the problem

Loosemoose28 · 29/04/2018 19:05

We have reached a compromise. Mum said she would be upset if she didn’t know I was in labour or would worry if I wasn’t answering phone etc. None of our family live close so in no danger of us being visited without good warning first (both would need a plane haha). Both me and OH chat to siblings and parents regulary through the day so going quiet would be identified.

So we will tell them if its daytime etc however they know we are switching off phones once they know and we will tell them regardless of time once baby here. I expressed my worries of their worries if I end up taking all day etc but they (both parents) have both agreed they would rather know and be left 12 hrs of no contact than unable to reach us and not fully knowing why.

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