AIBU to ask DH to spend less time on his hobby?

[LittleMysPonytail]

A few years ago DH started running. Initially it was to train for the London Marathon to raise money for a charity incredibly important to my family. He trained hard, raised four times his target and ran it incredibly well. I was very proud of him.

But now DD and I are having to live around his hobby and it’s starting to become not much of a life.

We both work full time. DH does 8-4 and I work 11 hour days four days a week, with that time split around doing all school runs (unless DD is at the childminders), all the cooking, and the majority of the housework (which I spend my whole day off doing).

My work day pauses from 2.45 - 7.30 to focus on DD and the house. DH gets in from work at half four, eats a snack and then runs. Three nights a week is for an hour and a half, two nights a week is at club so he’s out running until 8.30-9, Saturday mornings are Parkrun and Sunday is at least two and a half hour run. Unless it’s a race weekend, then he’s gone all day.

Add on to that time stretching before, after and then his hour long soaks in the bath and I feel totally abandoned for his hobby.

I get that it’s important to him, I am proud of him for what he has achieved but we now have 0 family time. We have no couple time. And if he didn’t run every day, I wouldn’t have to start work again once DD is in bed - once he’s back I could say start again at 5.00 and not be working all the way up to bedtime.

I’ve asked him if he could take a step back. Focus on maybe one or two marathons a year rather than 10ks and halves near enough every other week. If he could maybe run in the mornings instead.

His response is that I’m being controlling and trying to get him to abandon the only thing that makes him happy. Except it doesn’t. He might feel good about himself because he can achieve his goals but he’s still snappy, miserable and moans about how his work life is unbearable but won’t do anything to change it.

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable? I just know that I miss my husband, DD misses her dad and we’re fed up of either doing nothing or doing something fabulous and my husband missing it because he has to train.

Whats your sex life like, OP (don't answer, obviously). Do you really feel appreciated as a woman and a human being?

I ask because I'm suspicous when people men compartmentalise their lives in this way ...

I haven't read the whole thread I'm afraid but he sounds ... well ... selfish and v self-involved.

being on his own would/does facilitates that ease of lifestyle
except that actually being single probably wouldnt be such a nice life for him, he'd have to do all his own domestic work and pay all his own bills

and raise his own children!

i cab to rad but is it a secret hobby?

I LOVE SECRET HOBBY THREADS

oh runnning

BOOO

Not a secret Vlad, I openly admitted it was running. I didn’t think that would be too outing as they say. His previous ones over the past decade have included squash, model making and a brief dalliance with songwriting.

Obviously you are not being unreasonable. He is.

I like that you've decided to give yourself a timeframe. 3 months is roughly the rest of English school year. I personally find that way of thinking slightly easier. There will be a half term holiday to give you a chance to take stock of how your changes have worked and make any adjustments.

I think it would be helpful to you, to see a solicitor and find out your options & likely outcomes. You need to make an informed decision.

Good luck

and raise his own children
I suspect he would wriggle out of parenting if single

Actually he’s always been adamant if we did split that it would have to be 50/50 and, knowing him, I think he’d want to do that. Whether it would last or not, I’m not sure, but I would be agreeable to it providing DD was near enough to school, he ensured she still did her extra-curricular stuff etc.

and actually I'd change my question from: 'sex life' to 'love life' as probably more telling.

Maybe he just needs a wakeup call OP to give him a different perspective on his leisure activities....because that's what it is a leisure activity.
Sure we tend to praise people for exercising and taking responsibility for their health, and we should because it's a good thing and many people need that to spur them on.

He needs no encouragement and what he does is far in excess of what is needed for optimal health, rather he is free-riding on the social norm that people should be congratulated for exercising and using it to justify prioritizing his leisure activities, his 'me time' and indulging himself at your expense

You've mentioned afew times that he is deeply unhappy with his work life. It sounds like he is unhappy with his home life too. Saying running is the only thing that makes him happy heavily implies that you don't make him happy. His actions back this up as if he wanted to spend time with you and dd then he would. Especially after you pointed out how unhappy you are with never seeing him.

This isn't a hobby problem it's a relationship issue. He's checked out of the marriage. You need to sit him down and explain to him in no uncertain terms that you feel the relationship will be over if he doesn't put some effort into spending time with you. This doesn't mean he has to stop running just rearrange abit to fit you in. If he's unwilling to meet you half way then he is showing you he doesn't care about the relationship.

How could a man with no time for his children be serious about 50/50 split of parenting?! If you talk about it is he really incapable of realising the impact that would have on his current running time? (And how unfair it is on you but realising that would have to involve thinking about you as a person so maybe not)

He’s left for his parents. I have no idea what it means and I’m devastated.

He has a race this weekend. All fine etc. It’s a fair distance away so he was due to be gone from early tomorrow until some time on Monday.

I wanted to go and see a friend. He got in a sulk. I pointed out he’s getting time to himself. Apparently my whole week is pissing about and free time, I shouldn’t go out on a Saturday and leave him with DD because it’s ‘family time.’

I lost the thread of what he was saying but general gist was I don’t work or earn enough, the house is a tip (it’s not, I just didn’t jump in and empty the washing machine as soon as it beeped this morning) and I only wanted to go so I could have a go at him about running. Not because my best friend is indefinitely emigrating in a month and I’ve barely seen her since Christmas.

I just let him rant and asked him to be honest about what he wanted. He went and packed a bag and didn’t say bye. That’s him being honest isn’t it? I know I said I’d leave if it didn’t improve but I can’t quite believe he’s walked out.

And now I’m back to thinking I’ve been this horrendously unsupportive wife and I’ve got what I deserve.

No you have not been a horrendously unsupportive wife at all.

Please let him go he wants you to tell him to come back and its all on his terms

It means he has got his way and you cannot go to your friends.

Seriously, this cannot go on can it?

It means he has got his way and you cannot go to your friends.

Yes, worked out nicely for him didn't it. He'll probably decide to "forgive you" once he has had the weekend he wants and off the merrygoround will go again.

The rant about work and the house etc was classic deflection. You are the major breadwinner, you do most of the childrearing and housework. He suits himself only. He wants to be able to continue that and is so fucking mean that he wouldn't even agree to you to see a friend. How awful is that? He is one of the most selfish people I have read about on MN - and that is saying something.

You are not unsupportive. You have, in fact, put up with way more than most women would put up with. If he comes back ask him what he is doing as you thought he had left you and had arranged to see a solicitor. Or better yet, text him and ask him when he will be picking up the rest of his things.

he is a complete tosser. you deserve way better. I'd say his parents are nearly crying at the thought of him coming back to them.

Happypoobum is right.

Thus can't go on, he is not behaving as though he's part of the family. And he's turning it on you, so you feel like the guilty party.

Honestly OP, you deserve so much better than he's giving you. Please don't let him doubt your worth - you've been a loyal and supportive wife, you've brought up his DC almost as a single parent. You've done a great job Holding the family together despite his lack of interest or involvement.

Please don’t blame yourself. You know what he said isn’t true. He has been appallingly selfish and will no doubt believe he is the aggrieved party. But he isn’t.

I honestly wouldn’t want him to return home until he agreed to change his ways, including pulling his weight with housework and childcare, as well as a schedule that allows you as much free time as he has. Running is the least of it, really. It’s just the symptom. His selfishness, lack of respect for you, and lack of interest in his child are the real problems.

He sounds like a selfish horrible man! I know it’s probably a very sad time for you but he’s given you an out and I would probably take it.

He sounds like a totally selfish knob. And a fucking boring one too, boring on about himself, his running, his recovery days, his fitness.

Major yawn.

Sounds like he’s totally checked out of family life - he can’t even understand you might like time to yourself??

Unbelievable.

Sounds like it’s ultimatum time. I wouldn’t put up with that.

Op, I’m so sorry - I read the first page then posted.

He has been totally u - you are not at fault here. Sounds like you’ve done all the parenting, house stuff etc and facilitated his hobby with no reward or appreciation.

Hugs and to you - what do you want to happen?

He has been looking for a way out for ages hasn't he. its not like this is the first time you have mentioned the effect his running hobby has on your life.

its telling that this isn't the first obsessive hobby that he has had - just one in a queue of them. on your post you said "trying to get him to abandon the only thing that makes him happy" so, you don't make him happy, his work doesn't make him happy and his child doesn't make him happy.

He has been waiting for a chance to go and just picking any old argument as the catalyst.

none of this is your fault. none of it.

let him stay at his parents and don't under any circumstances have him back until he explains to you what this temper tantrum was about and what he is going to do in the future to sort this out.

write a list of the tasks you currently do in the house and the ones he does. show him the list and ask which ones of yours he is wiling to take on to make it fair. and if wont agree then he doesn't come back.

leave him to it, don't make any contact with at all and see what happens. but don't blame yourself.

sadly my experience of men walking out is that they invariably don't do it unless they have something better in their view to go to i.e. another woman. be prepared for this OP and start changing passwords on financial things and getting your ducks in a row. good luck.

OP he sounds awful. He lives his life with no consideration for you or DD but challenges you over seeing a friend.