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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are my friends unreasonable?

351 replies

Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 10:24

Hi all

So my baby shower was planned by my sister (this was last September) and she organised a lovely afternoon tea. She messaged all of my friends and family to tell them that their deposit was £5 for theirs but any donations (£1 or £2 each) towards banners/decorations and a bouquet for me would be welcome but there was no pressure.

All but 2 of my friends said they couldn’t go (to my sister, they never told me) without explanation. My sister was embarrassed and asked me if I’d fallen out with them. Not having a clue what was going on, I went to my best friend (who was still going) and asked what was going on. She told me they were all offended that they were asked for a donation and refused to go on principle.

I then had to go back to my sister and explain but I made it clear that I didn’t want any fuss and I didn’t want her to change anything for their sake but neither did I want anything spent on my account.

I can’t help but feel that my friends put me in a horrible situation over a poxy £1 or 2.

I uninvited them myself before they had a chance to tell me anything themselves but now I’m not sure where are friendships lie. Do I want them as friends? This is coming up now because it’s one of their hen dos and I’m being asked for £250 for my part. I don’t mind spending on friends but I’m the only one out of them with a mortgage and a family.

Any help would be appreciated. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 19:21

@2andcountingtodate yes that’s pretty much it. 2 of my friends went but the other 5 that helped plan the thing didn’t give her the money they owed.

OP posts:
PleaseAndThanks · 27/04/2018 19:24

I think them not coming over £1-2 but expecting you to pay £250 is ridiculous

CherryBlossomSeason · 27/04/2018 19:30

God if they can't spare a quid to chip in for flowers, are they really mates?

I was once asked to bank transfer £20 for "catering" for a baby shower at the best friends house. Both the host and the pregnant friend are multi millionaires!

I was taken aback and before I decided how I felt, we all got an arsey email from the host saying because some were saying they couldn't afford it, only pay it if you could afford it.

Which made it no less awkward. Then pregnant friend caught wind and messaged everyone saying please don't pay anything, it's on me.

2andcountingtodate · 27/04/2018 19:31

Says it all doesnt it? They begrudge saying no to a donation but are happy owing your sister money for an activity they wanted to do. Not great friends especially expecting you to pay out after!

Sparkles1992 · 27/04/2018 19:44

I would not mind at all contributing to buy a joint gift for my friend. These comments are crazy Hmm I would say they are not true friends if they begrudge a couple of pound for a gift. A baby shower is about making a fuss of the new mum to be and baby, I certainly wouldn't be paying to go on a hen do with them Shock

SilverySurfer · 27/04/2018 19:57

It seems baby showers are held with the express purpose of getting lots of gifts for the baby/mother which is fine.

In addition they are then told they will have to pay £25 for the tea - ok. What is not ok is to then expect them to cough up more cash, albeit a small sum, to buy you champagne and flowers and pay for the decorations - not ok. Cheeky and entitled.

What part of this event were you or your sister planning to pay for as hosts? I'm guessing nothing.

JudgeRulesNutterButter · 27/04/2018 20:13

OP have you seen the WhatsApp messages from the group you weren’t in?

I am wondering if the “agreed to pay for their afternoon tea” bit was actually something everyone was happy with or whether they were persuaded/talked into it and if there had been some bad feeling there. That plus a general opposition to baby showers might have meant that the decorations contribution broke the camel’s back.

Otherwise I agree with those PPs saying this is a massive double standard compared with the £250 hen do.

Highhorse1981 · 27/04/2018 20:16

Quite honestly, they don’t really like you OP. That’s the king and short of it.
They value pay a takeaway coffee more than they do you.

Keep your chin up. Have an intimate day with best friend and sister. And move on.

Original poster
Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 20:20

@JudgeRulesNutterButter

I haven’t personally seen them but it is undisputed by my friends and my sister so I have no reason to question it. It was my friends who persuaded me to have a shower so I don’t think they had an issue with that. I agreed to one with the understanding that my family was included and that was how it was agreed my sister would organise.

OP posts:
OneStepSideways · 27/04/2018 20:30

it was a voluntary donation of 1-2 pounds. Instead of saying no they shafted your sister and didnt turn up so do they owe 5 quid to her still for the deposit?

Asking for donations of this sort isn't really voluntary though is it. People feel under pressure to pay.
I suspect your sister rubbed everyone up the wrong way by phrasing it as 'please would everyone donate a few pounds' rather than 'I'm purchasing a bouquet and decorations, if anyone would like to contribute my PayPal details are as follows'

Everyone will bring gifts and pay for their own tea, so asking for donations towards the room/extra gift just sounds like the sister doesn't want to spend any of her own money!

2andcountingtodate · 27/04/2018 20:35

Its pretty easy to say no, especially when there are several of you that dont want too. They were able to decide in private watsapps that 5 would not attend so it would have pretty easy to say 'a, b, c, d and i would love to come but we wont be donating'.

Plus they happily donated the OPs sister's money so they cant be that shy.

2andcountingtodate · 27/04/2018 20:36

Also there wasnt going to be any gifts...

OneStepSideways · 27/04/2018 20:37

She asked so my friends wouldn’t feel uncomfortable when I was given flowers and bubbly from the group (my family members wanted to do it as a congratulatory gesture)

Why would your friends feel uncomfortable when your family presented you with flowers and bubbly? That doesn't make sense to me. What's wrong with a family gift as well as individual gifts from friends. How would you know who contributed anyway, unless your sister read out a list of names?

Re the deposits, she shouldn't have paid any deposits until guests had transferred the money to her. Paying on another's behalf then invoicing will get people's backs up as it feels like emotional blackmail.

OneStepSideways · 27/04/2018 20:45

Just realised there were to be no gifts. Although few would go to a baby shower empty handed even if the invitation states no gifts. I love choosing baby gifts.

Could it be your friends felt it was more a family celebration? I think I would feel uncomfortable attending an afternoon tea that was mainly family. Your sister may not have made that clear at the start. I wonder if she was also upfront at the start about the cost per person and the donation to bubbly/flowers/decorations?

Original poster
Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 20:48

@OneStepSideways

Paying someone’s deposit on their behalf AFTER they agreed as a group on what to do is called ‘good faith’.

If I was at any gathering and flowers were presented to someone from the group, I would feel uncomfortable that I hadn’t even been told about it. She asked out of manners and made it clear there was no obligation.

Can people please read PP as it gets tiring repeating myself. I know there’s a lot so if you can’t read or can’t be arsed, please don’t comment.

If you have genuine questions that haven’t been addressed, fire away.

OP posts:
ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 27/04/2018 20:56

I paid a deposit to go to my friends baby shower, even though it ended up that I was unable to go. I was happy to do so, it wasn't a lot.

If I'm honest, I wasn't sad I couldn't attend in the end. Baby showers are a bit odd for me (old!) And I find them a bit icky.

But the money shouldn't have been an issue among itself. Some people just like to get outraged. (Disclaimer: I like people who have gift lists for their wedding, and giving money suits me even better!!)

OneStepSideways · 27/04/2018 20:58

In your shoes I would want to read the group conversation between your sister and friends before ditching any friends.

It's possible your sister only told you her version.

Did she give everyone the full details (including cost per head and recommended donation) BEFORE everyone confirmed they were coming? If so they were rude to then back out.

If she drip fed the costs or paid before getting definite confirmations then I don't think you can blame your friends.

Helipad · 27/04/2018 21:01

There are some crazy people in this thread and it's not the OP, SayCool or Tom and few others Hmm

Celebrations can be anything, there is now law that the baby shower has to be certain way. When I had my hen do, it was a dinner with five people, three of them men (2 gay, 1 straight). And it was just the way I wanted it. We celebrated the fact that I was getting married and moving to a new stage in my life. I still called it a "hen night" so sue me!

I often wonder if the people who are such a sticklers for things being done a certain way because it's a tradition or whatever, live somewhere very insular and haven't really experienced a wider world. Because why is is so hard to understand that traditions can be done in many different ways?

I don't particularly like baby showers in their traditional sense but I would happily pay £25 for an afternoon tea and chip in for flowers and Champagne or whatever if it was for my friend. I belong to a group of 8 friends and one of us tend to host Easter egg hunt, Halloween party, Pre-Christmas drinks and NY eve. And as a group we are always offering to help with the cost and not just be sanctimonious and assume that the host will pay all.

Flipertygibbert · 27/04/2018 21:08

Sorry you're going through this strange and hurtful situation. I think this is something a lot of women and men go through when marrying. My bridesmaids turned from best university friends to awkward , bitchy strangers. I asked for nothing but received quiet back stabbing and disappointment at lack of underwear and jewellery not being bought for them. I was the first and perhaps they felt some sort of negative way.
I dropped them and have never looked back. Now I have the loveliest friends through kids.

They won't change unless they mature, but don't expect too much from people as they always let you down. Oo forgive my pessimism.

Original poster
Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 21:09

They all decided together where they were going and how much it cost per person and everyone was happy!

It was when another family member suggested to my sister that flowers and bubbly was bought there was an issue. She put it to them as an option and instead of questioning it they just said they weren’t going.

The friends who didn’t turn up will not talk to me about it to give me their versions. The 2 that turned up confirmed what my sister said even though they are still friends with the others (and want me to put it behind me).

To be honest, I’ve carried on as normal as I can but as PP has said, friends change when you have a baby and to then ask for £250 for this hen has made me think seriously only recently. Believe me, at the time, I asked all the questions I’ve been asked today.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 21:14

@Flipertygibert I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. I think it’s just a group of people who I have nothing in common with anymore.

OP posts:
Flipertygibbert · 27/04/2018 21:14

Jealousy pure and simple. Take time to heal then, deep breath and embrace a new life.

victoryvee · 27/04/2018 21:24

Yup, they’re unreasonable.

Don’t go to the hen, time alone is precious when you’ve kids, spend it doing something that you love rather than ex friends.

Flipertygibbert · 27/04/2018 21:27

I really do feel we've had such similar experiences. You've moved on and they can't relate. You'll have the best feeling when you get on with your life and don't have to deal with negativity. No disrespect to people who don't have children but when you have a child it us the most tiring and humbling experience. Your body and mind is tested so it takes another person to empathise what you're feeling.

I'm constantly learning with my teenagers which is challenging but I'd rather expend my energy on them than daft bints.
Remember to evert 1 daft bint there is 5 wonderful lovelies!

Original poster
Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 21:37

@Flipertygibbert thank you, that’s so lovely.

My daughter was born with some health problems which means she’s been in pain quite a lot. There have been times when I’ve sat and cried at the need to talk to someone who understands and knowing that my friends can’t help. My sister has been the one to help with hospital appointments, she’s sat and cried with me and reassured me that I’m doing all I can. She is a mother too.

You are so right! I don’t need people who try and make me feel like my daughter is in the way. Xxx

OP posts: