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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are my friends unreasonable?

351 replies

Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 10:24

Hi all

So my baby shower was planned by my sister (this was last September) and she organised a lovely afternoon tea. She messaged all of my friends and family to tell them that their deposit was £5 for theirs but any donations (£1 or £2 each) towards banners/decorations and a bouquet for me would be welcome but there was no pressure.

All but 2 of my friends said they couldn’t go (to my sister, they never told me) without explanation. My sister was embarrassed and asked me if I’d fallen out with them. Not having a clue what was going on, I went to my best friend (who was still going) and asked what was going on. She told me they were all offended that they were asked for a donation and refused to go on principle.

I then had to go back to my sister and explain but I made it clear that I didn’t want any fuss and I didn’t want her to change anything for their sake but neither did I want anything spent on my account.

I can’t help but feel that my friends put me in a horrible situation over a poxy £1 or 2.

I uninvited them myself before they had a chance to tell me anything themselves but now I’m not sure where are friendships lie. Do I want them as friends? This is coming up now because it’s one of their hen dos and I’m being asked for £250 for my part. I don’t mind spending on friends but I’m the only one out of them with a mortgage and a family.

Any help would be appreciated. X

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 27/04/2018 15:38

And people have said till they are blue in the face that the whole point of a baby shower is to take a gift for the baby. Honestly, the whole thing was a shambles. IMHO.

TawnyPort · 27/04/2018 15:39

If her friends couldn't be mature and civil enough to spend a couple of hours talking to her family, who I'm sure aren't monsters, then they really are selfish entitled arses

It's an invite not a summons, remember. Its neither entitled nor selfish to not want to go to an afternoon tea with loads of people instead of the spa weekend you had planned.

The entitled arses are the ones who expect they can demand their friends do anything they want, just because they want it Hmm

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 27/04/2018 15:39

Sorry, cross posted with OP. Who, I think, has put her point across succinctly.

Flowers and Wine for you OP.

And, I don't think anyone else has actually said this, but congratulations on your baby daughter Flowers

TomRavenscroft · 27/04/2018 15:41

And people have said till they are blue in the face that the whole point of a baby shower is to take a gift for the baby.

If anyone can show me where the point/rules of a baby shower are enshrined in law/on tablets of stone, I'd love to see them.

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 27/04/2018 15:46

TomRavenscroft did you not know they are inscribed on every thread of every baby blanket with the tears of a mermaid?

To disobey the holy rules of the baby shower would mean apocalyptical consequences....

Grin
Original poster
Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 15:48

@TawnyPort and my whole point is that nobody was forced to go and I wouldn’t have minded if they’d have said ‘it’s not my thing’. They told me they were going then didn’t explain why they had a problem.

The celebration of my pregnancy and birth wasn’t a shambles - it was an amazing day with the people who really wanted to be there as part of my amazing milestone.

Thank you @Saycoolnowsaywhip and @TomRavenscroft. X

OP posts:
Dancingmonkey87 · 27/04/2018 15:49

Op just let it go and don’t go on the hen job done.

Original poster
Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 15:50

@saycoolnowsaywhip if tap dancing and tequila shots are what you’d plan for a birthday then you can plan my next on 😂😂😂 x

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 27/04/2018 15:50

I am glad to hear you had a nice day. I presumed you didn't because nobody came. I agree move on and let it go.

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 27/04/2018 15:51

@Lilyvonschtup - you're on! I'll even bring an extra quid or two for decorations... Wink

TomRavenscroft · 27/04/2018 15:52

Grin SayCool

Original poster
Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 15:54

👍🤣

OP posts:
africanprincessinscotland · 27/04/2018 16:14

Mumsnet is such a weird bloody place! If I get invited out to a birthday meal, or a celebration in a restaurant etc for example for a baby shower, I would never expect the host to pay. If I went to a party at someone's home and they provided zero food, I'd be a bit miffed.
The sister was asking for a tiny contribution for flowers for the mum to be (banners are neither here nor there). How the heck is that unreasonable?! Well clearly it is to some people. Odd!

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 27/04/2018 16:22

I really feel for you OP, you’ve had some quite harsh comments on here from people who seem not to have read any of your posts (or failed to understand them).
It seems crystal clear to me.
You didn’t want a baby shower but agreed to one, provided it was scaled down from the £175 spa weekend originally planned by your friends.
Your sister organised, on behalf of and with the full agreement of the others, an afternoon tea at £25 per head in a smart location. (I paid the same price recently, three tiered cake stand with all sorts of treats, I though it was worth it).
She paid £5 per head deposit upfront and asked for reimbursement from your friends. She also asked them for a VOLUNTARY contribution towards the decor and other paraphernalia of £1 - £2.
They got the hump about this extra bit and decided “on principle” not to go.
Now you’re being asked to attend a hen do costing £250.
I’m not a big fan of baby showers tbh, I think it’s a tradition we could do without importing, but in the scheme of things I cannot see that your sister was massively out of line or that you were being exceptionally demanding.
Live and learn, OP, but your friends are not very nice people and it’s time you found some grown ups to spend your time with.

Enjoy your baby and here are some (free) Flowers. Smile

user1467718508 · 27/04/2018 16:44

I'd feel ashamed to have acted the way your friends have - really childishly, and just not in the way a friend should behave. If they were really offended by the £1 suggestion (can't believe I'm even typing that), they should have told your sister plainly or told you.

Personally I think it's a nice thought on the part of your sister, and if she stressed it was optional I really can't understand what they're getting up in arms about.

I'd feel so reluctant to spend £250 on a hen do for one of these friends, given how they've acted here.

Chattymummyhere · 27/04/2018 16:45

The thing Is op they have no requirement to tell you why they said no. They just did. They can also have a moan between friends if they want too.

You snubbed their idea just them and you, you wanted to be more Inclusive. Regardless of the actual costs they couldn’t of just felt it was just more and more being asked of them and threw in the towel. They where clearly willing to spend a lot per person to start with to do something nice with you as a not baby shower but one last big get together as friends.

Original poster
Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 17:12

@chattymummyhere if you genuinely believe that’s acceptable then that’s fine, I disagree and believe it’s I’ll mannered to insist on an occasion, allow someone to pay your deposit and then not only refuse to go, but don’t even tell anyone yourself that you’re not going.

I also think wanting my family included in the celebration was fair. It was a surprise pregnancy after 18 months of trying and being told I was infertile. Why should I have allowed the exclusion of the people I love?

Thanks everyone for your support.

OP posts:
Andylion · 27/04/2018 17:34

See this is part of the reason that people rail against Baby Showers. What is usually a gentle low-key affair in the USA suddenly gets lost in translation and morphs into all these added extras when it hits the UK. Champagne and Flower bouquets, purile games, over the top decorations, multiple events. In the end the spirit of you and a few close girlfriends gets lost in all the three ringed circu

I think the problem might be that baby showers became popular in the UK at the same that hens became a massive, expensive event.

I agree with the other posters on this and other baby shower threads, and who are likely American or Canadian, as I am. Baby showers are low key affairs. In my case, either a close family member or friend throws. Or, if the close friend knows the mum or sisters of mum-to-be, they have a joint shower. I have always contributed something to eat when it was a family shower because I like baking and rarely have the chance. I also bring a gift.

However, I suspect that younger generations on this side of the pond might also be leaning towards over-the-top baby showers as part of the me-me-me/selfies/it's my special day(whatever day it might be) culture that seems to becoming the norm.

Prettylovely · 27/04/2018 17:44

" It was a surprise pregnancy after 18 months of trying and being told I was infertile. "

That there in your last stood out massively of how uncaring and bitchy your friends have been after what you have been through.
Ditch them, Go to lots of playgroups when baby is here and make some real friends.

spanky2 · 27/04/2018 17:52

Baby showers are grabby anyway and asking for money to attend is really rude. I'm not surprised they all said no.

DragonMummy1418 · 27/04/2018 17:54

They wouldn't spend £1-£2 on your baby shower but want you to spend £250 on their hen do???
It's a wind up from them right?
I'd knock them to the curb, they are NOT friends!!!

OneStepSideways · 27/04/2018 18:17

I think it's your sister who was being tight! Why didn't she pay for the decorations, banners and your bouquet? It's very bad form to ask guests to 'donate' so she can buy these things! They're already paying for their own afternoon tea and 'showering' you with gifts. IME the mum-to-be's sister or best friend throws the shower and decorates the room, gets extras in, provides nibbles and drinks etc. She is the host after all!

It's not about a few quid but the principal. Your sister came across as tight and manipulative by asking for 'donations'. It's different if you're all a group of friends who plan the shower together and agree to split the cost, choose the flowers and decorate together. Completely different to ask guests to pay for that, while you choose the decorations, present the bouquet and take the credit!

I was invited to one baby shower that had a gift list (!) and the friend organising wanted a £5 donation from everyone 'so I can buy a cake, decorate the room and make (mum to be) feel special'
I declined as did most people!

2andcountingtodate · 27/04/2018 18:35

It was a voluntary donation of 1-2 pounds. Instead of saying no they shafted your sister and didnt turn up so do they owe 5 quid to her still for the deposit?

zaalitje · 27/04/2018 18:58

How many friends were coming that £1 - £2 each was enough to buy flowers (£20), champagne (£20 - £30) and a banner and decorations (£20)?

We're you really expecting 30+ people? I thought they were meant to be for a small close group of friends and family not half your address book!

Original poster
Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 19:17

Please see PP everyone.

The donations were not to cover the entire cost. Nearly all of the decorations etc were paid for by my sister. She asked so my friends wouldn’t feel uncomfortable when I was given flowers and bubbly from the group (my family members wanted to do it as a congratulatory gesture). There were 20 people invited and only 7 of those were “close friends”. I am part of a large family.

OP posts: