Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are my friends unreasonable?

351 replies

Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 10:24

Hi all

So my baby shower was planned by my sister (this was last September) and she organised a lovely afternoon tea. She messaged all of my friends and family to tell them that their deposit was £5 for theirs but any donations (£1 or £2 each) towards banners/decorations and a bouquet for me would be welcome but there was no pressure.

All but 2 of my friends said they couldn’t go (to my sister, they never told me) without explanation. My sister was embarrassed and asked me if I’d fallen out with them. Not having a clue what was going on, I went to my best friend (who was still going) and asked what was going on. She told me they were all offended that they were asked for a donation and refused to go on principle.

I then had to go back to my sister and explain but I made it clear that I didn’t want any fuss and I didn’t want her to change anything for their sake but neither did I want anything spent on my account.

I can’t help but feel that my friends put me in a horrible situation over a poxy £1 or 2.

I uninvited them myself before they had a chance to tell me anything themselves but now I’m not sure where are friendships lie. Do I want them as friends? This is coming up now because it’s one of their hen dos and I’m being asked for £250 for my part. I don’t mind spending on friends but I’m the only one out of them with a mortgage and a family.

Any help would be appreciated. X

OP posts:
IamPeas · 27/04/2018 14:17

Never mind CF's there are some nasty F'kers on this thread!

OP - it looks like your friends got the hump because their grand plans for a selective fun filled spa weekend was downgraded to a more inclusive and sedate afternoon tea.

Good friends wouldn't have minded swapping the plan for something you wanted to do and including other people that you wanted to mark the occasion with - and FFS, it saved them around £150 each!

On that note, would spending £26/£27, including a voluntary donation towards flowers and a bottle of something for when the baby arrives, have been such a hardship?

They may well have expected people to chip in a bit extra for you for the spa plan?

Your sister may have handled it clumsily, who knows as no one is giving you their reasons for not attending? But she may well have thought they would be up for it considering the original plan involved a lot more money.

Catlover97 · 27/04/2018 14:19

Sorry Lily just seen your recent update that you didn't have a "wedding of the decade". No offence meant!

thecatsthecats · 27/04/2018 14:21

If the drip feed of information on this thread is anything to go by, then imagine they were sick of the faff.

Again, 175 quid for something I really want to do is more appealing than 25 I've been told to spend on something that's been wrestled out of my hands so I can have the pleasure of sitting next to someone's cousin.

And the general feeling against baby showers is kind of relevant. I suspect a significant number of people hate them AND it's an innovation in tacky events people hate. The combination is pretty annoying, especially if you get mucked around from what you were comfortably organising.

Bowlofbabelfish · 27/04/2018 14:22

So they were summonsed, had to pay 25 quid for an afternoon tea and then expected to bring a gift too? And then asked for more?

Add in travel etc and that’s upwards of fifty quid a person they’ll be shelling out, for a baby shower.

Are all of them in a position to pay that? I’ve had plenty of times in my life when I wouldn’t be.

TawnyPort · 27/04/2018 14:28

It is in no way unreasonable to expect that EVERYONE I love be part of special days

Actually it is, very unreasonable. If they don't want to, they don't have to, and they clearly didn't want to here.
I'd guess it was about your and your sisters attitude rather than the money, which was negligable.

Okadas · 27/04/2018 14:28

A baby shower is when everyone comes to you for Shloer, sandwiches and a slice of fanny cake while you open up baby gifts. What you had wasn't a baby shower.

To me it sounds like your friends wanted to do something with you to celebrate your pregnancy and came up with the spa idea. You then decided no you didn't want that and instead asked your sister to arrange a party. Which she did...then invited everyone..then asked them for money. I can understand why your friends were annoyed tbh.

If you were not going to have a "traditional" baby shower where the host hosts you should have just kept the spa plan with your friends and celebrated with your family another time.

Atalune · 27/04/2018 14:29

Your friends don’t want to mix with your family. I think that’s glaringly obvious and when you and your sis have forced it, they have walked.

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 27/04/2018 14:30

OP has stated several times that she did not expect gifts.

£175 for a spa weekend seems a bit OTT for a baby shower / celebration / whatever you want to call it (does it matter??!) - yes I'm sure the child-free friends would have loved to go on a pampering weekend with mimosas and treatments galore. Good for them - they can do that any time. Surely it's about what the OP prefers - which was to have her friends and family celebrating her baby.

Honestly I don't get some of you people and why you don't rtft.

Peartree17 · 27/04/2018 14:34

Ah, I see, thank you Zoe, that makes sense. I can see why throwing your own 'shower' would be seen as grabby and self-serving in the light of that tradition. But judged by that tradition, any invitation to a celebration at which gifts might be expected (weddings, birthdays, anniversaries) could be seen in the same light! (And, judging by the angst and rage such invitations generate on this forum, frequently is: "I've been invited to a hen night/wedding/birthday - AIBU to be outraged?")

OP, I would step off the train, to be honest. These social interactions and events sound very stressful. In your shoes, I"d make my get-togethers with friends much more low-key and inexpensive, and start adding new friends to my life. Hope you are enjoying your baby and making new friends via parent groups, etc.

TawnyPort · 27/04/2018 14:36

OP has stated several times that she did not expect gifts

and neither anyone here or her friends believe that for a second, since that is the actual point of a baby shower!

Original poster
Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 14:37

Maybe there is a bit of a drip feed of info but to be honest, I didn’t expect every tiny detail to be scrutinised and be attacked for information that was not there. After the information is provided, it’s used against me.

At the end of the day, I have an amazing 6 month old baby girl who is the best thing in the world. only one of my friends has bothered to see her but that’s fine - I think I have my answer to my OP from some of the kind people on here. X

OP posts:
Okadas · 27/04/2018 14:38

Surely it's about what the OP prefers - which was to have her friends and family celebrating her baby.

That's fine. But arranging something that costs her guests money and then asking for more money is still being unreasonable.

Feb2018mumma · 27/04/2018 14:40

I had a baby shower with afternoon tea, I paid the deposit and didn't ask for money, out of 15 girls 13 paid and 2 didn't, I didn't ask for any money but didn't say no when they offered to pay for themselves, think if you have a shower not at home you can't really ask for money, I have always been happy to pay for hen party's and showers but some people do think it's cheeky so always better not to ask if you can afford not to, congratulations with your baby!!

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 27/04/2018 14:46

OP if your dd is 6 months old and only one of your friends has seen her then I'm afraid that's all the answer you need.

I have a few close friends, living all over the place, and when we've had children we've literally travelled hundreds of miles to meet them within the first 8 weeks.

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 27/04/2018 14:49

OP, your baby is six months and only one of your friends has seen her?! Shock

And they want you to fork out quarter of a grand for a hen night?!

Get some new friends. Go to some baby clubs and meet other mums with similar age DCs. Your friends sound entitled, selfish and arsey.

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 27/04/2018 14:50

And slightly off point, and I've said this elsewhere, but I hate the constant accusations on threads about drip feeding. You can't possibly include every single facet of every situation in the first post, and if you did, you'd get people complaining that they'd given up reading it because it was so long.

thecatsthecats · 27/04/2018 14:51

*Maybe there is a bit of a drip feed of info but to be honest, I didn’t expect every tiny detail to be scrutinised and be attacked for information that was not there. After the information is provided, it’s used against me.

At the end of the day, I have an amazing 6 month old baby girl who is the best thing in the world. only one of my friends has bothered to see her but that’s fine - I think I have my answer to my OP from some of the kind people on here. X*

OP, I am honestly, HONESTLY not trying to attack you. But if you re-read this, do you not see even a tiny bit why people are answering you in the way you do?

Yes, people use the information to judge the case they're asked about, and yes, people have ended up disagreeing with you because of what you've told them. You're coming across defensive and snippy, and you're not (apparently) taking on board valid points which are nothing to do with the cost.

Do YOU think that your friends might have just wanted to organise you a shower without any interference?

I know for sure my sister's friends will, and will be annoyed when I rebuff them on her behalf.

TheJoyOfSox · 27/04/2018 14:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 27/04/2018 14:52

Tawnypoint sometimes people do actually mean what they say. I have specifically asked people not to buy gifts on many different occasions, and have meant it, due to their financial situation or a variety of reasons.

Sometimes, you can actually take things at face value.

Dancingmonkey87 · 27/04/2018 15:04

If this was 6 months ago why are you bothered. I had a surprise baby shower for dd it was a bbq at sils all food provided by her and a couple of it’s a girl banners itwss a nice afternoon.

I attended 3 in total my friend who’s dh cousins hosted and paid for food no contribution asked, went to a local restaurant for a meal about 15pounds including drink and an afternoon tea 20 max no request to cover decorations. Yabu but you need to let it go it’s 6 months ago now and you’ve created a thread about it.

TawnyPort · 27/04/2018 15:09

I have specifically asked people not to buy gifts on many different occasions, and have meant it, due to their financial situation or a variety of reasons

Its not a birthday or an engagement etc. Its a baby SHOWER. As in showering of gifts. It is literally the actual and only point of the event. Hmm

OliviaBenson · 27/04/2018 15:20

You said you didn't want a baby shower, so your friends decide to go for a girly spa weekend. You then wanted to be inclusive of everyone so turned it into a baby shower.

TBH I'd rather have spent £175 on a nice weekend away rather than £25+ to make small talk with people I don't know very well.

TomRavenscroft · 27/04/2018 15:22

you want to host a party where your guests buy their own afternoon tea they had agreed to the tea and the cost.

you are expecting a gift the OP has said until she's blue in the face she was NOT expecting a gift.
you’re also expecting your guests to pay to decorate The OP's sister suggested a VOLUNTARY, NO-PRESSURE, small contribution to decorations.

Original poster
Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 15:35

@thecatsthecats thank you for your honesty.

I’ve tried to ignore comments that seem to be just to incite arguments (I know I’ve failed once or twice) but I’ve also tried not to keep repeating myself as some are commenting without reading thoroughly.

I completely taken on board that it could have been handled better all round. I also take on board that people don’t like baby showers. However, the same point keeps coming up which has been addressed about “people being charged to go to a baby shower”.

Let me address it now - the place and price was agreed on in a WhatsApp group involving everyone! Everyone was looking forward to it! They all knew is said no gifts because I didn’t even want a ‘baby shower’. I agreed to this because my friends pushed that we had to do something before the baby arrived. I decided no gifts because one person (a family member) invited had already bought and given a very generous gift and I didn’t want her or anyone else to feel pressured into bringing anything.

There became a problem when the extra couple of pound was suggested to make up the cost of flowers/fizz which wasn’t a lot because there was 20 people invited. This was optional - if they said no, there would be no issue. I never knew of this and did not expect it, this is why it was awkward for me to go to everyone else and ask them not to do the nice thing they had planned.

My whole issue is that nobody bothered (and still hasn’t) to speak to me about it but rather used my best friend as a mediator!

It comes up again now because I’ve had 6 months of contributing to things for my friends (more often than not, I don’t even go because of babysitting issues) and now I’m being asked to fork out £250 quid for a hen do which covers part of the hens. It smacks a bit of hypocrisy.

OP posts:
SayCoolNowSayWhip · 27/04/2018 15:37

I feel like the term "baby shower" can be used loosely. Yes, the original term invented by the Americans was to "shower" with presents. I do get that.

However, as with many things, the meaning of this has evolved somewhat, especially over in the UK. Surely it can be whatever you want it to be. A celebratory party, which seems to me what the OP wanted, with both her friends and her family.
TBH I'd rather have spent £175 on a nice weekend away rather than £25+ to make small talk with people I don't know very well.

If her friends couldn't be mature and civil enough to spend a couple of hours talking to her family, who I'm sure aren't monsters, then they really are selfish entitled arses.

I'm sure many of you would rather spend £175 and go on a spa weekend - good for you. That's not what the OP wanted. Why should the baby shower / party / nondescript celebratory event be about what the FRIENDS want? Confused

It's like saying "OK, here's what we're going to do for your birthday - we're going to go tap dancing and then do tequila shots, and we'll charge everyone £175 for the pleasure" when the birthday person actually just wants to have a quiet do with people who are special to them.