To ask partner to move out 5 weeks postpartum

[Misswhitman]

My little boy is 5 weeks old and is my first child. My partner and I currently live in a flat that is owned by myself and my mother.

When I was pregnant he had his bouts of being unsupportive, he still went out drinking regularly, even close to my due date. He always gave me a time he would return but never stuck to it. Sometimes he would get so drunk he would come home and vomit.

I thought things would maybe be different when the baby got here. I had an emergency cesarian and on the way to go pick my mother up to see me post delivery he stopped at the pub. He also went to the pub when my son was 6 days old.

Since Friday he has been out after work every day except Monday. Granted not all of these occasions were to the pub, he also went to his siblings home, but he knew I was at home struggling with an ill baby and had no respite. He is leaving at 6am and returning home no earlier than 8pm. Two nights ago he asked if he could go watch Chelsea in the pub. Trying to encourage him to be respectful and ask if I need anything before making plans I happily said yes.

The next day he messaged me at 4pm saying he would be home in an hour, 9pm rolls around and no word, no answer on the phone either. Eventually he gets in touch at 10pm and says he’s out drinking with his dad. I went berserk because it was the 6th day bar one he had been out and I had genuinely thought he had been in an accident. I asked him not to come home.

Yesterday morning he asked if he could return and I let him, he spent the entire day in bed, vomiting and shivering due to his hangover. I told him I needed space but left it as he was in no fit state to go anywhere.

I desperately don’t want to be a single mum but I’m at my wits end. Am I being unreasonable wanting him to spend his spare time at home?

I would give your son your surname for now. Tell your p that the reason you are doing this is that he hasn't proven that he is dedicated to his ds. His constant drinking and refusal to support you and lack of interest in his ds has left you with the impression that you are going to be facing single parenthood.

Tell him that if he wants his ds to have his name he needs to work for it, tell him to prove that he loves and is completely dedicated to his ds! If he wants you to be a family and for his ds to have his surname, then he needs to prove that he is dedicated to you both! He needs to quit drinking and act like a proper Father! If and when he does that you can take another look at changing your ds's name so that he has the same surname as his Daddy!

He won’t hear of my son having my name.

Register your son by yourself then. He hasn't married you...and even if he had he couldn't insist on it.

The way he's behaving...your relationship won't last. Best to have your surname the same as your child.

He isn't ready for a serious relationship and being a father.

Tell him to her his mum to stop coming over everyday and if she doesn't stop, then..

stop answering the door to his mum and don't answer her calls.

Thank you CaledonianQueen that’s my plan. I want what is best for our son and if that means him living elsewhere and having to MAKE time to see him that’s how it will have to be.

In regards to him and I, I don’t think (as much as I still love him) that I can forgive him for the past 9 months.

That is completely understandable op!

Fwiw, my Mum went through very similar when my Grandad died (my Dad's DF). My DF turned to drink, leaving Mum to cope with three kids under 5, having only just lost her own DM. I have memories of my Mum making it a game to drag my Dad who had collapsed in a drunken stupor at the front door, into the living room.I remember giggling and thinking my Dad was being really silly. My DM was able to make light of the situation and we were not aware just how bad their marriage was at that point as she kept it well hidden.

As an adult, I now know that my DF had a breakdown when his DF died and basically turned into a drunk for the best part of a year. My DM told him to get himself straight or he was out on his ear. This gave him the shake-up he needed and he quit going to the pub and concentrated on us. They are still together today, having gone through many good and bad times.

The difference with my Dad is that when he stood to lose us he actually pulled himself together and turned his life around. Hopefully, your stbxp can turn things around and actually work on being a better Father to your ds.

I will bet quite a bit of money that now he’s left you won’t need to worry about where DS will be spending every weekend, birthday and Christmas. Overall you’ll likely be better off without him, but he’ll vanish like smoke now he’s off the hook.

I don’t understand why, when a couple are not married, they nearly always give the child the father’s name.

I did it because it's a nicer name and mine is from a feckless asshole father who disappeared.

HTH

He asked to come see his son. Got here at 4 and left at 5. He spent a whole hour with him before disappearing. But then it is Friday isn’t it!

Yeah he can have his son take his name when he’s stopped drinking and he’s so reliable that you feel you might perhaps consider marrying him...

Actions speak loudest.

Your partner has a drink problem. It is very easy to make out it is social drinking but when he cannot support you the following day, has to stop off before picking up your Mum meaning he turned up late, after having x number of beers in the pub, driving your mum and turned up smelling of drink to coo over his new baby then books a time to come and see his son that fits in with his drinking? He has a problem.
I wonder if he would visit if you changed the time to 8pm?
If you are going to consider this man as a future husband and full time Dad, he needs to decide what is most important to him and consistently step up. If he needs help to do this then fine. As to his mother and family? Drinking is obviously mainstream in their household so they are enabling.
Do not discuss your issues with mil any more. Do not discuss your concerns with them any more. They clearly do not see the issue. His first priority Should be to you and your son. Not his mates, not his family, not the drinking. You. If he is not prepared to do whatever it takes to make this happen then walk away.
You say he would not hurt anyone when he drinks but he becomes disabled by it. Falling asleep drunk or hungover when caring for a baby can have consequences especially if he is in charge of the feed, changing or has hold of lo.
He only wants the good bits.
He needs to grow a pair and grow up.
Lovely, you are alone now. When he is there you are still alone.
As to the birth certificate, if your lo has your name and things change massively You can always change it. To be added to a birth certificate means parental responsibility (morally)and he is showing none.

When my DD was born her Df went on a many week binge. He was a lovely man, very lovely, with a drink and gambling problem that was more than his love for us, ultimately. That hurt. It was not new behavior but I expected more. My family all thought he was the bee's knees, but really I was a single parent waiting to figure that out.

He hasn't seen DD since she was three. It was 'too hard'.

Don't be me OP.

Surely his mother knows what a crap dad her son is being, if she’s visiting every day? She would have to be seeing him go out, come back pissed, be hungover, not helping out?

Kick them both out. It’s her job to give his head a wobble, and she’ll have good motivation. She can sort out her own darling baby, before focussing her sights on yours.

Congrats, by the way. You’re handling a hard time with grace.

As a recovering alcoholic I say don't put his name on the birth cert, please. I have relatively mild alcoholism, just a few drinks every night, but it was hard when I had to look after my dgd to resist the alcohol and on a couple of occasions I gave in to temptation.

An addict always puts the object of their addiction above everything else.

I may have jumped to conclusions yesterday, he FaceTimed me twice from his hotel room to prove he was in the room. He doesn’t drink on his own/indoors so I know he wasn’t drinking last night. He said he left after an hour because he found it too awkward which I understand (he was in the lounge on his own with the baby). I know he would never drink around the baby/when he was responsible for the baby because he has young siblings and he doesn’t go near them when drunk/hungover. If he were to deteriorate I would re-evaluate but currently I don’t have safety concerns and trust me when I say I would never put my child in harms way.

He begged me last night not to leave him. He said we’re his number one priority he just doesn’t know how to fix things. I was really honest about how I feel and I know it registered. He doesn’t argue, he accepts his failings, he just can’t help himself. I can’t let him come home because I don’t feel like anything has changed, but at the same time I wouldn’t know what I’d want him to do to prove it? Therapy? Quit drinking? How long for? How will I know that he won’t start up as soon as his foot is back in the door?

I don't have an expirience of this, but I would still give ds you name, I think it can be changed up to a year afterwards on the birth cert. But with regards to your partner, it is more difficult yes he has abstained for a few days, but there is no telling how long he will do this until slips into old ways again.
Your DS is 5 weeks, how about he has 5 weeks with no drinking at all and comes over to do bedtime, that way he gets bonding time and you get an hours break for showers etc.
If his family get involved tell them to speak directly to your partners as far as you are concerned only discuss your relationship with partner
Good luck and enjoy spending cuddle stress free time with new born

Get rid of him. Give the baby your name. It will be easier in the long run. He’s shown his true colours.

I would suggest a minimum of him initiating a course of counselling before considering he returns. All his promisession mean nothing without action to change his mind set.
This week away from you and your baby may be the shake up he needs. You get to decide what is acceptable behaviour in your relationship .

Can't help himself? That's because he's an alcoholic.

I think your hormones are getting all mixed up with your rational brain here.

If this guy wanted to be a dad he would be stopping drinking, finding ways to bond with his son, telling his family to back off.

Really I have been a single parent to a newborn and I know the internal struggle to make "a family" but it's like you can't see what is happening here.

Your son is five weeks old and his dad has ALREADY been pissed/hungover around him because "he can't help himself" so his promises of sobriety around his child in future mean jack shit unless he addresses his problems holistically.

Talk is easy. Action will be much harder. But if you want to give yourself hope (and risk bitter disappointment) you could ask him to do the following:

• See the GP
• Engage with one of the alcohol support services
• Get counselling

I would want him to do those things for a significant length of time (at least 6 months) before I would consider giving him another chance.

However, he should really be doing all that himself without you having to ask him. He should be doing it without the expectation that you will take him back if he does. He should be doing it for his own sake and not just to win you over. The problem with you asking him to do it is that he’ll do it for you, not for him, which means that he inevitably won’t really engage with it or even do it at all.

OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But to be blunt, I think if you start setting him conditions to prove he’s changed, like counselling, you’re really wasting your time and his. He doesn’t really love you, or possibly he does but he’s one of those men who’s so locked in by “masculinity” that he will never be able to adapt to actually treating you as an equal and taking note of your needs. Either way, you’ll just be dragging things out if you let him stay. Yes his dads death changed him but you also say things that suggest he has always had this very traditional view of mother/father roles. Maybe it just took having a baby for that to really show itself.

I also don’t think you should even suggest that you might give the baby his name if he changes his behaviour. Practical issues aside, you are doing ALL the work - take the credit, woman!

I hope everything will work out for you. I do think you’ll feel like a weight has lifted once you’re shot of him.

I am genuinely sorry OP, but left to his own devices, I don't think he'll be sitting in his hotel room sober, for more than a couple of nights.
I very much hope that I am wrong.
I am only posting this, because I don't want you to allow him to raise your expectations too much, that you come crashing down again.
I have worn your shoes.

How long have you known this man? Because I've known my husband for over 12 years and I still didn't realise he'd been lying to me about his drinking habits for over 6 months.

Is this a drinking issue? Or a responsibility issue? Some people are genuinely terrified of growing up, and a baby forces you to confront that. It sounds a lot to me like your DP's regression is a reaction to the sudden responsibility of becoming a father.

OP, I’m sorry to hear you have had such a tough time. Before you do anything, if you can afford it, I’d make an appointment with a family solicitor to understand the implications of leaving him off the birth certificate. It may make preventing access easier, but have consequences on maintenance. I don’t know. Worth checking before you proceed. Best of luck.

No need to consult a solicitor.

“The law treats Parental Responsibility and child maintenance as being completely separate. An unmarried father who does not have Parental Responsibility still has a duty towards his child to provide child support maintenance.”
childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/parental-responsibility/

He'd be gone if it was me. You need to focus on healing after the C section and your new baby, not an immature alcoholic.

Congratulations on your baby :-)