To ask partner to move out 5 weeks postpartum

[Misswhitman]

My little boy is 5 weeks old and is my first child. My partner and I currently live in a flat that is owned by myself and my mother.

When I was pregnant he had his bouts of being unsupportive, he still went out drinking regularly, even close to my due date. He always gave me a time he would return but never stuck to it. Sometimes he would get so drunk he would come home and vomit.

I thought things would maybe be different when the baby got here. I had an emergency cesarian and on the way to go pick my mother up to see me post delivery he stopped at the pub. He also went to the pub when my son was 6 days old.

Since Friday he has been out after work every day except Monday. Granted not all of these occasions were to the pub, he also went to his siblings home, but he knew I was at home struggling with an ill baby and had no respite. He is leaving at 6am and returning home no earlier than 8pm. Two nights ago he asked if he could go watch Chelsea in the pub. Trying to encourage him to be respectful and ask if I need anything before making plans I happily said yes.

The next day he messaged me at 4pm saying he would be home in an hour, 9pm rolls around and no word, no answer on the phone either. Eventually he gets in touch at 10pm and says he’s out drinking with his dad. I went berserk because it was the 6th day bar one he had been out and I had genuinely thought he had been in an accident. I asked him not to come home.

Yesterday morning he asked if he could return and I let him, he spent the entire day in bed, vomiting and shivering due to his hangover. I told him I needed space but left it as he was in no fit state to go anywhere.

I desperately don’t want to be a single mum but I’m at my wits end. Am I being unreasonable wanting him to spend his spare time at home?

[peodar]

Register the baby ASAP alone - it is very easy to change their name until they are a year old so if he does sort himself out you can do that. His mum can fight all she wants but won't get very far without him on birth cert. I'd be civil to her regardless- she sounds like a good support for you in your home but don't let her babysit or take the baby out. This won't get better any time soon

[SinkGirl]

I’m not bloody surprised she refers to him as “my son” - she’s the only parent doing any work.

This is not how a responsible new parent behaves. I would have kicked him out already. Neither my DH or I have been out since our twins were born 19 months ago - if we want to see people we invite them here. We are just now starting to make plans - this is an extreme example since twins is tough, no family help, and one is unwell. Most importantly though, we want to be here with each other and our kids.

It’s disgusting that he thinks he can go out because your Mum comes round - it’s his responsibility, not hers.

Do not give your child his surname under any circumstances. The likelihood of you splitting up is so high, and then you’d have to make an application to change his name. You’ll have issues with all sorts.

If this ends up being a wake up call for him and he grows up, you can change his name later.

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

YANBU what a dickhead he sounds. I really think you should give the baby your name. I probably wouldn’t add him to the birth certificate either.

[FilthyforFirth]

Please read what everyone else here has said, grandparents have no rights whatsoever. She cannot fight you for custody. Please please please give your son your name. It doesnt sound like things are going to get better.

[AornisHades]

If you put him on the birth certificate he will immediately have parental rights. This means he has as many rights over the baby as you do. He can be added later if he fights for it or sorts out his act and you choose to. For the moment though you are in control and you should hang on to that until you see how things are going.
If you can cope without him paying child support then there's no downside.

[TatianaLarina]

You’re a single mum to a small baby and a teenager with alcohol issues.

It would be so much easier and less stressful for you to parent just the one child.

As for his mother and custody - haha.

[Ellendegeneres]

I had all this shit about ds having his name. He didn’t even turn up to register him, and when he found out he had my surname he hit the roof- the texts I got, calling me names! I sat and laughed at what a twat he was and carried on.
He has no relationship with ds- that’s no bearing on me or ds, he’s just a cunt.

Do you. You’re better off without him and not caring for that arsehole and a newborn. If his Mum comes round, don’t answer the door!

[Juells]

If you look down the line to what will happen if you split up, and dread the thought....imagine a Christmas morning in three years time, you've allowed DP to visit and spend the night on the couch. Christmas morning you come down with your DS all excited to show you the presents he got from Santa, and find that DP passed out and he's vomited on the carpet. If you think that scenario is likely, it will tell you that it's time to get him out of the flat and not put his name on the birth cert.

[AornisHades]

Do you already have an appointment to register? If so, does he know when it is?

[GinIsIn]

Register the baby alone and don’t put his name on the birth certificate. You are already a single parent, why not just ditch the vomiting loser?

[lardymclardy]

You can do it OP, it was 3 weeks for me postpartum - c-section too.

A brief history, together 7 years, the last 3 being really rocky. Ex had always been good with my son, but he could never be relied on - fair enough, he is my son. I was told after various procedures and scans that I was unlikely to conceive again - sex with no protection for 6 years and just when the proverbial straw was breaking - pregnant.

He wasn't about much or supportive during the pregnancy, and after the birth it was clear we were over - similar situation. Although mine ended when he punched me 3 weeks post c-sec, I just called the police and had him removed.

That sounds clinical but it was so so heartbreaking. Single now with my kids for 9 years, I've never been happier!

I think from your post you would be happier on your own too, it's bloody hard, but it's easier than dealing with an arsehole partner.

[Idontdowindows]

What everyone else has said: please do not give the baby his surname. You built that baby out of your own energy and resources, all he contributed is half a cell.

And it looks like that is all he is planning to contribute. You are effectively a single mum already.

Plan for you and you baby, give baby your name, kick the lazy arsehole out.

[GabriellaMontez]

Register baby without him there. Give him your name. Ask him to leave.

[HundredsAndThousandsOfThem]

YANBU. Either he has a drinking problem or he is just a massively selfish immature prick (or both I guess). Either way at a time he should be relieving you of some of the burden he's actually adding more stress and work. By letting him stay you'd be enabling him.

Ask him to leave, keep everything friendly. Maybe this will be the push he needs to sort his life out, or maybe he'll just continue in the same vein. Either way he can't stay.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

HIs family and friends also have problems with alcohol. This is why they don't see a problem with him. Anyone who thinks that going 'down the pub' every night is a sensible use of resources when you have a baby is, quite frankly, not ready to be a dad.

Getting him out might give him a wake up call and start him growing up. Or it might mean you have your MIL down on you like a tonne of bricks. Could you move in with your mum for a while (and stop MIL visiting every day! EVERY DAY? When you have a new baby to think of? The apple didn't fall far from the tree in your DP's case...)

[gamerchick]

If you don’t put him on the birth certificate it’ll be a right ball ache for him to get parental responsibility if you really think his mother will do any of that. You have the appointment booked. If he doesn’t turn up then it’s on his own head isn’t it?

[IveGotNoClothes]

I will tell you op, this won't stop. You'll get all the apologies in the world but he will continue!

[BumpInTheOven]

Utterly shitty of him

Have you tried taking to MIL properly and honestly to let her know that he's not being supportive and that it's all a bit of a show? Maybe try to get her on side and get her to help your DP understand that he's treading a thin line and hat he needs to sort this out pronto or he will be loosing you both...

[PositivelyPERF]

When you are planning to register the baby, don’t let ANYONE know. His family will do everything in their power to stop you. Just go and get it done. I wouldn’t even say you’ve done it, until you’ve everything in place for getting ride of him. It’s not as if he’s shown any real interest. Just thank your lucky stars you’re not married to the arse, otherwise you would lose out financially, regarding your home.

[Ruffian]

You're not being at all unreasonable but I think it's too soon to make such a drastic decison

From what you've said about his mother coming in every day sounds like he's carring on a ancient (really ancient!) tradition of letting The Women take charge of babies while The Men go down the pub out of the way.

It's ridiculous but there's still a chance he can learn to be proper Father and partner.

[PositivelyPERF]

BTY, I still wouldn’t put his name on it, if he promised to change and played mr nice guy, as you know deep down it won’t last.

[Misswhitman]

I think it’s quite cruel to assume that I thought having a baby would change him. He was perfect up until the point I got pregnant and he desperately wanted a baby. Unfortunately the same week we found out we were expecting he found out that his father figure had passed, since then he’s been a different person.

I refer to him as my son because that’s what you would do in conversation, if he were writing the post with me I would say ‘our son’.

He has been read the riot act many a time, I have also tried praising him, and telling him I’d support him through therapy (I myself work in mental health/substance misuse). To no avail.

I would never leave him off the birth certificate as that isn’t fair on my son, but I will insist that my name is on there.

I asked him to leave this morning, he didn’t argue. I told him he needs to go away and figure out if he wants to be a weekend dad and do as he pleases or live here with us and step up.

Unfortunately my son chose the moment his dad was leaving to smile for the first time. My heart is breaking. He messaged after he left to say he loves us both very much, that he’s sorry and he’s booked in to a hotel for a week for now.

[Branleuse]

dump him.

He doesnt have your back He doesnt want to help childrear. He doesnt want to be an actual partner. Fuck him. Give the baby your name and kick the cocklodger out

[Passingwords]

OP get him and his MIL who sounds overbearing and enabling out of your life before they cripple it more. Trust yourself and your instincts and look at the cast iron evidence of his behaviour, this is him, this is how he will always be- a chain dragging you down. Register baby in your name. If by some miracle he transforms into a person whose behaviour you've not seen yet, great, you can add his name as parent, but once it's on you can't take it off. Don't be bullied and guilted into this, look at the facts, do the right thing for you and DD- write all the facts down it may help to clear your mind and ditch the emotion

[mrspicklepants27]

You are NOT being unreasonable, good lord! Trust me its easier being a single parent than being with a selfish pig like that. Put yourself and your baby first, you won't regret it x