To ask partner to move out 5 weeks postpartum

[Misswhitman]

My little boy is 5 weeks old and is my first child. My partner and I currently live in a flat that is owned by myself and my mother.

When I was pregnant he had his bouts of being unsupportive, he still went out drinking regularly, even close to my due date. He always gave me a time he would return but never stuck to it. Sometimes he would get so drunk he would come home and vomit.

I thought things would maybe be different when the baby got here. I had an emergency cesarian and on the way to go pick my mother up to see me post delivery he stopped at the pub. He also went to the pub when my son was 6 days old.

Since Friday he has been out after work every day except Monday. Granted not all of these occasions were to the pub, he also went to his siblings home, but he knew I was at home struggling with an ill baby and had no respite. He is leaving at 6am and returning home no earlier than 8pm. Two nights ago he asked if he could go watch Chelsea in the pub. Trying to encourage him to be respectful and ask if I need anything before making plans I happily said yes.

The next day he messaged me at 4pm saying he would be home in an hour, 9pm rolls around and no word, no answer on the phone either. Eventually he gets in touch at 10pm and says he’s out drinking with his dad. I went berserk because it was the 6th day bar one he had been out and I had genuinely thought he had been in an accident. I asked him not to come home.

Yesterday morning he asked if he could return and I let him, he spent the entire day in bed, vomiting and shivering due to his hangover. I told him I needed space but left it as he was in no fit state to go anywhere.

I desperately don’t want to be a single mum but I’m at my wits end. Am I being unreasonable wanting him to spend his spare time at home?

Do NOT give the Child his name.. don't ask him to move out... TELL him he is moving out.. pack up his stuff for him... good grief lovely.. what a time you've had

You'll regret giving the baby his name.

His mother can fight for custody all she likes but she will have zero chances of success as grandparents have no rights. None at all. Ziltch. Nada.

I'd keep a record of all his behaviour and your reasons for asking him to leave. Save any abusive texts from him and MIL (if any).

If nothing else they can be used as a helpful reminder if you have a wobble. Worst case, you can use them as evidence against him if he kicks off

If you register him on your own, you can't put him as the father can you? That would make maintenance claim more complicated wouldn't it?

But kicking him out sounds like a sensible thing. Poor you. You don't need this shit.

Congratulations on your new baby. Hope things work out for you.

Register your baby with your name on your own. He doesn't care enough to even make an appointment with you.

I know the thought of being away from your baby while he has contact is not nice, but realistically he won't get much time while the baby is so young, and also, will he really push for it? Perhaps for his mother, but not for himself.

You need to get rid of him, he is a waste of space.

What was he like before the birth?

If he's always been unreliable then you know deep down what to do.

Poor you OP. You are being left to hold the baby literally and he is not mature enough or safe enough to be a father.

He is an alcoholic. He sounds like he is afraid of responsibility and running away at every opportunity.

Was he like this before the baby was conceived or born?

You should name the child whatever name you choose. He does not have the right to stop you and any rights he might have had to debate it he has squandered with his actions since the birth.

I would not leave his name off the birth certificate as that will mean in future he will not have any responsibility for financial support and I think it might focus hostility and resentment from him and his family on that - rather than recognising that his behaviour is not acceptable.

I think you need to explain to him what he should be doing as a father, supporting you and caring for his child. Tell him he cannot stay with you and his child unless he is prepared to do so as a responsible parent - this means bring sober and safe. Draw up a list of how he has behaved since the birth and give it to him and have it at hand if your MIL has anything to say on the matter.
Then kick him out.

This does mean doing without any help at all from him - so try and draw on any support you can from family and friends. Make sure you ask MIL to do what is helpful to you (not just what she wants). Eg taking the baby out for a walk so you can have a sleep, putting on washing, making meals for the fridge or getting shopping. Don't hide from her how you are feeling or how little support you are getting from her son - she should see for herself what a useless father he is.

Will you be able to stay in the house and support yourself long term OP? You may need to do some thinking about that at some point.

It might be that after a period of separation his is shocked into getting his shit together and can return to you as a fit and proper parent. Sometimes people need a jolt to come to their senses. And not being able to see his done grow up and sharing being a parent could be a very shocking prospect if he is ever sober enough to see it. But don't expect that. He sounds like a child man and may never be able to grow up. It will be to his very great loss and shame if he can't step up.

Do what's right for your child and what he deserves. Responsible, loving and safe parents. Psychologists say a happy child needs at least one parent whose crazy about them. Right now your baby has that. He don't need a vomit stained pointless one.

Much love to you and your dear child.

I’d book a 9am registrar appointment and see if he can make it. I would compromise by giving the baby his surname as a (second) middle name. I was willing to let my children have DHs surname (with mine as a middle) because he was committed to me in law and deed and it was important to him. Had he tried to dictate to me, there would have been a different outcome.

Now is probably a better time to sort out your relationship whether you separate or not. You are right to be concerned about contact, but tactically I think it’s better for you to sort it out now when baby can only be away from Mum for minimal time.

Grandparents have to apply to the court for the right to even apply for contact. I've just done this last year with my daughter. She won't get naff all. Plus if you have proof that he's out all the time in the pub which you do, then you might have grounds for him being an unfit parent - I'm not too sure

When he next gets pissed tonight tell him when he gets home that he better be up at 7.30am sharp as you're going to the register office. In fact text it him too as proof.

Then go alone in morning leave him hungover in bed and you can register him in your name.

OP, I stayed with my horrid exDP for over a year because I had the same feelings as you. That I would miss my DC, couldn't imagine splitting custody. And it didn't get any better. It got worse and worse until I was forced to make him leave.
DC is fine, I get a few days a week to myself which, although I miss DC terribly, is a very welcome break. My life is so much easier and calmer now I don't have him weighing me down.
You and DC will be fine without him. Register the baby with your name. That is non-negotiable.
Kick him out and start applying for maintenance through CMS.
Your baby is very young so contact time with him will be short visits. You won't have to give baby away for whole weekends for a long time.
Regarding MIL, she has no rights. She can stamp her feet all she likes but she can see baby when her son has contact. You do not need to facilitate contact between your baby and MIL. Do you think your 'D'P would spend his contact time with you're DM? I don't think so.
Good luck with everything and congratulations.

Why did you have a child with this man? Were you just blindly hoping a baby would change him? While most of the fault lies with him, there is some responsibility on you to try and salvage things before you give up entirely on him (if you really do want things to work out).

As some others have said, sit him down and read him the riot act letting him know just how close you are to chucking him out. You all deserve at least one chance with all the cards on the table to make things work. If he fails to respond then is the time to leave (and make better choices next time).

You will definitely regret it if you give your son his name. Get rid of the alcoholic now, not in 5 years time when there might be another baby to worry about.

I had an emergency cesarian and on the way to go pick my mother up to see me post delivery he stopped at the pub.

Does that mean he stopped to have a drink (or two?), got back in the car and drove to pick up your mum?

I know everyone else is going to pile in and say, you shouldn't have to do this but with some men you do. they need it spelling out and need to realise what the new normal is.

This is not a bloke who hasn't yet realised that his social life will have to change a bit.

this is someone who is going out and getting drunk to the point of vomiting all day, every day.

he sounds like an alcoholic and a completely nasty, selfish bastard.

Op if you can do it safely I would register the baby without him, with your name.

I’ve asked him to leave to give me some space - is he going?

I suggest writing down the times, day by day, that he has been out since the birth, and anything else you think is relevant (like dates and times of long, out of action, hangovers) whilst it is fresh in your mind. And if he stays for a while longer, keep on writing it down. His mother/family can't argue with his lack of commitment if it is there in black and white on a day by day basis for evidence. It may be useful in the future too.

You say that his family think you are over the top about his drinking. The thing is though, that if he was out of the house fishing, or some other hobby, for the number of hours he's spent away from you since the birth, the outcome would still be the same. He's not there, in the family home, supporting you and taking part in his son's life. So although it is kind of relevant that it's the pub he's going to, and it is definitely relevant that he comes home drunk and has severe hangovers so regularly, it's more just the time away that matters. That's the choice he has made, but you have choices too.

He won’t hear of my son having my name.

This is entirely your choice.

He is being a git. I would tell him you are thinking of separating over it, as it might shake him into action. But at this stage with all the baby hormones rushing about I wouldn't make any life changing decisions at all. Use the time to see if he changes and if he still doesn't when you're feeling more 'you', kick him out!!!

His mother can't fight for custody, she has no rights over your child

Is he supporting you financially?

Worries me slightly that more than once you have refered to MY son. Is the fact that he is MY son, not OUR son part of the problem?

Yes he sounds like a man with an alcohol problem. Chucking him out might be the catalyst he needs to sort himself out

I would not leave his name off the birth certificate as that will mean in future he will not have any responsibility for financial support

Others probably know for sure, but I don't think this is the case.

By his mother fighting for custody even if he doesn't, I presume you mean that she will push him to do so not pursue it for herself - I think this is probably true. However, surely she cannot think that coming in at all hours, spending whole days vomiting and shivering due to alcohol abuse are the actions of a good father.

You may well have the help of your DM and your MIL, but you had a baby in the expectation of having a supportive partner - if your partner isn't supportive, you may as well be on your own.

Register your baby on your own, and don't give him your DPs surname. You need to protect yourself from his family. His mother has no right to demand custody if you split up. The longer he stays the more rights he'll have to your flat and your child. He's an alcoholic. Your life with him will be hell.

Look forward to cleaning up a lot of vomit if you let him stay. You really need to be strong for your baby now.

Go and register your baby alone, give your baby your name.
Your MIL hasn't got a hope in hell, of gaining custody of your baby.
Is your partner very young OP ?
I think you should send him home to his mother, you have enough on, with one child.
Also he needs to address his alcohol issues.

So basically, he's a lazy bastard who can't be arsed parenting his own child unless he has to when someone else isn't there to do it for him?

I agree with PP - you're already a single parent. Don't worry about Christmas and stuff like that, you can always make arrangements to maybe sleep on the couch so you're both there for DS on christmas morning etc, or get there super early so neither of you miss anything. If you both want to see DS on a certain day (christmas, birthdays) then there's no reason not to, you just have to suck it up and be civil with each other for the sake of your son. IF he doesn't like that, then you make arrangements for the day and he can work around it.

You're going to be stuck having contact with him for the foreseeable future so you might as well try and make a nice amicable break, if that's what you want. especially if his parents are going to be sticking their oar in. Would 50/50 contact work? So you drop the baby off midday/after work and he has him for a night then you pick him up the next day and have him the next night? So you're not going a full weekend without him?