To ask partner to move out 5 weeks postpartum

[Misswhitman]

My little boy is 5 weeks old and is my first child. My partner and I currently live in a flat that is owned by myself and my mother.

When I was pregnant he had his bouts of being unsupportive, he still went out drinking regularly, even close to my due date. He always gave me a time he would return but never stuck to it. Sometimes he would get so drunk he would come home and vomit.

I thought things would maybe be different when the baby got here. I had an emergency cesarian and on the way to go pick my mother up to see me post delivery he stopped at the pub. He also went to the pub when my son was 6 days old.

Since Friday he has been out after work every day except Monday. Granted not all of these occasions were to the pub, he also went to his siblings home, but he knew I was at home struggling with an ill baby and had no respite. He is leaving at 6am and returning home no earlier than 8pm. Two nights ago he asked if he could go watch Chelsea in the pub. Trying to encourage him to be respectful and ask if I need anything before making plans I happily said yes.

The next day he messaged me at 4pm saying he would be home in an hour, 9pm rolls around and no word, no answer on the phone either. Eventually he gets in touch at 10pm and says he’s out drinking with his dad. I went berserk because it was the 6th day bar one he had been out and I had genuinely thought he had been in an accident. I asked him not to come home.

Yesterday morning he asked if he could return and I let him, he spent the entire day in bed, vomiting and shivering due to his hangover. I told him I needed space but left it as he was in no fit state to go anywhere.

I desperately don’t want to be a single mum but I’m at my wits end. Am I being unreasonable wanting him to spend his spare time at home?

[rach01pink]

Don't be scared of being a single mum. I was a single mum to my little boy for 5 years and I loved it!! We are now so close and I have fond memories of times when it was just us! Living with an unsupportive drunk will not bring happy times.

[LifeBeginsAtGin]

There are a lot of 'he'd never' in your posts.

I bet there was a time you thought he'd never drink after the baby was born, or go out drinking less than a week after the birth etc etc

[ddrmum]

OP my dc dad 'would never'...... he has constantky tried to screw us over, maje malivious allegations, stalking, harrassment - you name it. Unfortunately we were married. His parents were ecstatic to get the waste of space off their hand so when I did get rid, OMG, the vile abuse was something to behold. Concentrate on your son - he needs you. Your partner needs to sort homself out and only then can you decide if your relationship has a future. Don't ever think the worst won't happen because it can. As he encouraged you to give up a job so he can support you, I'd advise you to make yourself familiar with financial control/abuse tactics. Stay strong, there's a beautiful baby who needs his mum

[Whocansay]

He can't help it? Of course he can bloody help it! He did last night! He just doesn't want to. You and your child are NOT his first priority. His first priority is booze.

Protect yourself now. If he means what he said and it's not just empty words, he will do something about it and you can mend your relationship when he's sober. But for the time being, concentrate on you and your child and let him sort himself out.

And stop making excuses for him. Lots of us have lost one or both parents. It doesn't make us alcoholics and it doesn't make us forget our responsibilities. That's just him.

[GabriellaMontez]

"He would never..."

I said that about my ex.

I'm now fighting via csa for every penny. He sends them home in clothes that are too small so he can keep the new stuff.

[GabriellaMontez]

Oh and talk is cheap. Actions are really the only thing that matter.

[AskMeHow]

It's not you that should be telling him what to do OP. He should be working out for himself what he needs and doing it. The issue isn't going to be fixed in weeks. I would be looking at months of him taking responsibility (rehab, al-anon, therapy, whatever) before I'd consider taking him back.

[Seeinthedark]

Good luck with whatever you decide.
Please do not give your baby his name though. We agreed to give my son my partner 's surname and I wish that I hadn't almost two years later, even though we are still together.

[Loandbeholdagain]

That sounds unbearable. Way, way, way outside acceptable behaviour from him. LTB.

[GirlsBlouse17]

From what you've said OP, he doesn't sound like a bad bloke. He does have a few issues such as coming to terms with the death of a family member and drinking and I'm guessing an overbearing dominant family especially his mother. I would say not to write your relationship off yet. You are right to have a break from him and he needs to realise what he may lose if he doesn't deal with his issues. At least give him a chance though to put things right. I agree with you about putting his name on the birth certificate.

[Coyoacan]

If he were to deteriorate I would re-evaluate but currently I don’t have safety concerns and trust me when I say I would never put my child in harms way

You see this is the thing, OP. This is why we are all saying leave him off the birth cert. He has been deteriorating massively over the last nine months so, in all likelihood, he will continue to deteriorate. If he isn't on the birth certificate you can still facilitate his time with the baby, you can hand the baby over fulltime to him if you want to. But you can always protect your child if needs be too. However once he is on the birth cert, you have very little control. Should he be a danger to your child, you might end up having to convince a judge that that is the case.

[user7680]

Sounds like my h. Nightmare and it gets worse

[kaitlinktm]

Should he be a danger to your child, you might end up having to convince a judge that that is the case.

^^ This - and don't forget, he would probably have unsupervised access to your son.

[MotherWol]

misswhitman I hope the registration went ok. Thinking of you and your DS today.