To ask partner to move out 5 weeks postpartum

[Misswhitman]

My little boy is 5 weeks old and is my first child. My partner and I currently live in a flat that is owned by myself and my mother.

When I was pregnant he had his bouts of being unsupportive, he still went out drinking regularly, even close to my due date. He always gave me a time he would return but never stuck to it. Sometimes he would get so drunk he would come home and vomit.

I thought things would maybe be different when the baby got here. I had an emergency cesarian and on the way to go pick my mother up to see me post delivery he stopped at the pub. He also went to the pub when my son was 6 days old.

Since Friday he has been out after work every day except Monday. Granted not all of these occasions were to the pub, he also went to his siblings home, but he knew I was at home struggling with an ill baby and had no respite. He is leaving at 6am and returning home no earlier than 8pm. Two nights ago he asked if he could go watch Chelsea in the pub. Trying to encourage him to be respectful and ask if I need anything before making plans I happily said yes.

The next day he messaged me at 4pm saying he would be home in an hour, 9pm rolls around and no word, no answer on the phone either. Eventually he gets in touch at 10pm and says he’s out drinking with his dad. I went berserk because it was the 6th day bar one he had been out and I had genuinely thought he had been in an accident. I asked him not to come home.

Yesterday morning he asked if he could return and I let him, he spent the entire day in bed, vomiting and shivering due to his hangover. I told him I needed space but left it as he was in no fit state to go anywhere.

I desperately don’t want to be a single mum but I’m at my wits end. Am I being unreasonable wanting him to spend his spare time at home?

OP you've said it yourself - there's only so much you can do. And this grown man is not your responsibility. You need to do what needs to be done to live a good life with your son. Try to be amicable with him but make sure you are making yourself happy.

Its hard to realise it, but one day you will see that the life you thought was on offer, was never really at all. It was a fantasy and false promises. And if he promises something again, he'll go back on his word again. So there's no point. You've given enough energy to this man. Cut your losses.

OP, you have spent most of your posts defending his behaviour. Your situation sounds grim and tacky, I can imagine you will be second fiddle to his family whilst this lad lives it up for the rest of your lives, and your baby's life. His Dad will teach him how to handle women, and when you have a little girl you can teach her how to behave to accommodate such men. And as for this:

I would never leave him off the birth certificate as that isn’t fair on my son, but I will insist that my name is on there - so you are actually going to insist that you are named as the mother?!

you have to register within 6 weeks so has to be done soon-i think hes a waste of space up to you what name you put your child as

can be your name but hes named as the father

It sounds like he's an alchoholic. If this wasn't the case it could be he'd prioritise you and the baby, or it could be that he'd still be selfish.
Do you love him and have a good relationship aside from the drinking?

If so I would tell him the drinking needs to be cut right down (maybe once a week is acceptable but not to the level of being sick). Tell him while he works on that it is too stressful for you trying to look after a newborn and being around him.
Agree for a temporary split (maybe 4 weeks) after which time you can speak and see what you both want. You may find you're happier alone, or may find you'd rather stay in the relationship for now. Likewise it may work as a reality check for him or if not it will show you that he doesn't care enough and that its not worth hoping he'll change.

Definitely temporarily spilt. You are a single mum right now so it won't actually change anything for you.
Can you rebook your registration appointment so you can go alone? I would definitely consider not putting him on the birth certificate. It's really easy for him to get himself out on but it means he has to put he effort it to fight for it.
I would document everything he does. Especially every night he doesn't come home when he says he will and the state of drunkenness he is when he finally gets there. That will help with custody arrangements.

Yay he sounds like a man child! Personally i would register baby without him; it is far easier to give him PR down the line than it is to fight to restrict PR if he continues being a dick. He needs to step up & prove that his son is a priority to him, otherwise he isn't worthy of being named on that BC.

My ex is on DD's BC, but she has my surname - the registrar will take your decision over his because he has no legal standing until that certificate is signed. So if you take him, make it clear the name is YOUR choicr & yours alone.
My ex was a bit like yours but with drugs not alcohol. He assumed being in the flat fulfilled his role as dad, that because his mum interfered turned up every day i had the help i needed. It destroyed my self confidence & i ended up with PND, which was then made worse by the domineering crap his family pulled. I have had a long ole war with them about contact with my daughter & i honestly regret putting him on the BC. Not being on the BC doesn't mean he can't be dad, it just means you can control the situation. And he will still have to pay maintenance without being on the BC so ignore that bit!

What Jux said OP. Register the baby in your name and leave him off the birth certificate. He can then first prove that he can be a good father before you consider allowing him on the paperwork.

He sees threapy as weak and unhelpful and he hasn’t got a problem (despite experiencing a lot of loss in his life and being the go-to person for all family issues). He flits between admitting he isn’t coping and is unhappy and saying he doesn’t have issues. He’s still in complete denial about how things have affected him and how much stress he takes on (financially supporting his siblings and mother, resolving arguments etc). He’s a good man it’s just when it comes to me and the baby we’re last on the list but that’s probably because he knows I’m doing well.

Maybe he needs to hit rock bottom before he does something about his problem and that's probably going to be you kicking him out. I know being a single mother isn't what you wanted or expected but it's surely better than what you're dealing with now? You have enough on your plate caring for a new born.

I would rather be a single mum that put up with that fuckwit.

You sound like a single mum already but with 2 babies to look after.

I mean this kindly op- it sounds like you now what you SHOULD do, (to proect your child, yourself, and to let him go, to sort himself out) but are ignoring this and any advice because of what you WANT to do.

What you WANT, is based on an optimistic and unrealistic hope that he will change in the current circumstances, because he wants to;

you say you work in mental health/substance misuse, you must be used to service users who say they want something because its the acceptable thing to say, but their behaviour indicates their real feelings and unreadiness for change.

Have a temporary break with the understanding it may become permanent.

if he shapes up and addresses his issues, he may become the partner and father you and your son need

If he doesn't, you have protected yourself and your son from some pretty damaging emotional and psychological damage.

I would register you son without him on the certificate- as others have said he can be added later, when he has proved himself responsible enough.

Adding him on now will give you a world of trouble and potential legal proceedings to get back what you will give up by granting him PR now.

Make decisions for your son with your head, not your heart.

Best of luck, I'm wishing you well op

crumbs- should have spell checked that message

I don’t understand why, when a couple are not married, they nearly always give the child the father’s name. Statistically if you are not married you are more likely to break up and so considering the divorce rate is rocketing towards 50% the odds are against co habiting couples.

Since the mum generally ends up as primary carer and the child/ren live with her then it makes much more sense to give the child the mothers name. Stick the dads surname in the middle.
Misswhitman
You need a break from him. Credit to him fir booking into a hotel but will he use this time to show you that he can be a responsible dad and boyfriend or will he use it to go out on the piss and nobody nagging him? Personally I would let him do what he wants to do ......and that , after the end of his hotel week , will show you if his future lies with you or if he just wants to behave like a single man.
Ultimately it’s your call. But I fear he will let you down over and over again if you let him.

Thank you so much for the advice. I know exactly what he will do with his week, he will be the prefect father and try his hardest to get back in but I really don’t think it would last. I don’t think a week is long enough. I would never leave his name off the birth certificate because he is his biological father and he should have rights to see him. I know he would never put his son in danger, he won’t go near him when he’s drunk/has a hangover. I will start documenting and he is going to have my name. I know it will seem like spite to not give him my partner’s name (to him and his family members) but I’m past caring to be honest.

Whatever tragedy has taken place, he didn't have to take to drink did he? My dear dad died when I was pregnant and I just had to carry on. You are being given lots of good advice on here, you are essentially a single parent, if I were you I would carry on in that way . Better that than give multiple chances , upset to your child and despair to you. Every time he lets you down you will feel sadder with even less respect for him. Best end things now.

Him not having PR wont stop you from allowing him to see his son- it just gives you more control. You can promote as much contact as you wish/as much as he is willing to have.

His family seem to make lots of demands which you say he will give in to; this could include taking your son and not giving him back, because dad has equal PR and gets to make this decision.

Then you need to seek legal advice.

Of course none of that may happen- you know his family and his attitude towards them, we dont.

Just think carefully.

I left a good job when I got pregnant because he wanted to support me financially.

So you have no job to go back to , nor any maternity pay?

I would never have got maternity pay as I got pregnant between job offer and security clearance (5 months it took). I left the job because I was being discriminated against but I would have stayed and fought if he hadn’t told me it wasn’t worth the energy and that he would support me.

He would never fight me for sole custody he thinks I’m a good mum and he would never try to screw us financially. The one good thing that comes out of the misogynistic mindset he has/was raised to believe is that he thinks baby is best off with me, being cared for by me and being financially supported by him. He thinks there is nothing lower than taking from your child/depriving your child of anything. I just wish he had the same level of respect, appreciation and duty towards me.

Ask yourself if being a single mum of one would be easier than a single mum of a 5 week old and a grown man

Do not give the child his name. You can always change it later once your bf has had a complete behaviour change over an extended period of time ie a year. His mum cannot fight you for custody.

jesus what am I reading....

He would never

He is already not keeping his word to you. He is already ignoring your needs. He is already putting himself over you and your baby.

Please get legal advice before you do ANYTHING, please!

Where has this idea come from that babies get their fathers name, married or not?! Babies, traditionally get the mothers name. If married, that would be the same as the father (traditionally), if unmarried, it's the mothers "maiden" name.

Anyway, why did this immature idiot want to have a baby exactly? He doesn't get to pick the bits he fancies doing and leave all the rest to you. I'm very sorry his father figure passed away, but that doesn't give him an excuse to opt out of being a parent, it just doesn't. If you had lost someone too OP, then what? The baby just starves to death? Of course not.

'Father figure'? or excuse to go on the piss?

I totally agree with you. I have to muddle through and get on with things. The grief is genuine. I’m not saying the reason he wouldn’t screw us over is because he’s a wonderful person, it’s a pride thing. Men take care of their families blah blah. Unfortunately that doesn’t extend to emotional support. The reason he was going to have his dads name was that we had intended to get married, also there’s just my mother and I on my side of the family and I wanted him to have cousins and aunts and uncles (I really like my partner’s dads side of the family). Believe me when I say he’s been completely different since we found out about the little man/his father figure died. Up until this point he had been a brilliant partner and we had been trying for children for a long time.