To ask partner to move out 5 weeks postpartum

[Misswhitman]

My little boy is 5 weeks old and is my first child. My partner and I currently live in a flat that is owned by myself and my mother.

When I was pregnant he had his bouts of being unsupportive, he still went out drinking regularly, even close to my due date. He always gave me a time he would return but never stuck to it. Sometimes he would get so drunk he would come home and vomit.

I thought things would maybe be different when the baby got here. I had an emergency cesarian and on the way to go pick my mother up to see me post delivery he stopped at the pub. He also went to the pub when my son was 6 days old.

Since Friday he has been out after work every day except Monday. Granted not all of these occasions were to the pub, he also went to his siblings home, but he knew I was at home struggling with an ill baby and had no respite. He is leaving at 6am and returning home no earlier than 8pm. Two nights ago he asked if he could go watch Chelsea in the pub. Trying to encourage him to be respectful and ask if I need anything before making plans I happily said yes.

The next day he messaged me at 4pm saying he would be home in an hour, 9pm rolls around and no word, no answer on the phone either. Eventually he gets in touch at 10pm and says he’s out drinking with his dad. I went berserk because it was the 6th day bar one he had been out and I had genuinely thought he had been in an accident. I asked him not to come home.

Yesterday morning he asked if he could return and I let him, he spent the entire day in bed, vomiting and shivering due to his hangover. I told him I needed space but left it as he was in no fit state to go anywhere.

I desperately don’t want to be a single mum but I’m at my wits end. Am I being unreasonable wanting him to spend his spare time at home?

[SlowDown76mph]

You've been duped. Cut your losses.
It will not get better. This is as good as it gets.
Do not put his name on the birthday certificate. You will regret it within days.

[letsdolunch321]

Congratulations on your baby boy

Take it all day at a time. Good luck

[MotherWol]

I would never leave him off the birth certificate as that isn’t fair on my son, but I will insist that my name is on there.

If you're not married, he needs to attend the registration with you in order for his name to be included as the father. If he doesn't attend he won't be on the birth certificate. You will automatically be on there as your son's mother. I would strongly recommend you give your son your surname, and if you want his name as well, give it as a second middle name.

[PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks]

He's not your mum's or his mum's child though, he's his. You have every right to complain. If he didn't want to look after his child, there are such things as condoms.

[offsettttt]

listen hun, you dont need no scrub a scrub is a man who cant get no love from you

[Missingstreetlife]

So, he's in a state. Is he going to do this every time there's a problem.
He probably will go on a bender now, hope he doesn't come to harm and his family pick up the pieces. It will be hard to give him contact if he's pissed.
Hopefully this could be a short lived grief related episode and he might straighten out. He should go to aa and get help to learn some different coping strategies fo the future

[NameChange30]

“I myself work in mental health/substance misuse”

The irony.

Look, he sounds like an alcoholic mess, and based on your last post, he’s also enmeshed with a toxic family and in complete denial about everything with zero chance of getting therapy and changing his behaviour.

I don’t see any happiness for you in this relationship.

Please please please give the child your surname.

[Misswhitman]

He would never not attend the registration. He knows when it is, it was the same with appointments during pregnancy, he didn’t miss one. The issue now is that he thinks I have enough help without him, his job is to go make money to support us and if he wants to go to the pub he will go to the pub.

[aaarrrggghhhh]

He’s a good man it’s just when it comes to me and the baby we’re last on the list

These two things are mutually incompatible

[Misswhitman]

I know all of this, I think part of my worry was that he would go off the rails if I left him. He is struggling with grief but at the same time he refuses to deal with it in a constructive way..and it’s been 9 months since he lost his father figure (I found out I was a month pregnant 2 days before the funeral).

[hellsbellsmelons]

He won’t hear of my son having my name
Please register the baby on your own with your surname.
This is something you need to do quickly.

You are already a single mum so don't worry about that side of things.

His mum has no legal right at all to your baby and will not feature in any discussions regarding access.

Please contact Al-Anon. They help families of people struggling with an alcoholic.
Which he is by the way.
Make no mistake. This will never change now.
He will always be an alcoholic.
He hasn't hit his rock bottom yet and won't for a while so this will just get worse and worse over the next few years.

Stop his mum coming round every day.
Tell him that he can take baby to see her when it's his access time.
Other than that, YOU do not want to see her.

He needs to understand all the consequences for his actions, as does his family.
Don't be a walk over.
Take steps now to sorting this out as living the life of a single parent.

[Missingstreetlife]

Well you know what you want, you told him, not mich more you can do.
Just leave it there and look after yourself.

[NameChange30]

“he would go off the rails if I left him”

Let him go off the rails.

You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, you can’t cure it.

You know this stuff.

[hellsbellsmelons]

he would go off the rails if I left him
He's already off the rails.
If you can't see that then you have other issues.
You cannot save him.
Only HE can save himself.
And he doesn't want to.
You are not trained in dealing with people suffering from grief.
You are not trained in dealing with alcoholics
The 3 C's are pretty clear:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

Stop trying and stop making excuses for him.
He's being a useless fuckwit and you know it.

[NameChange30]

Ha, cross post. hellsbells said it better!

[maxthemartian]

Grief may be an explanation but it's not an excuse.
I have lost both my parents and I didn't turn into a twat.

[Misswhitman]

I totally agree I’m just giving the whole picture to be fair to him. However we all have stuff happen to us and we all have things going on. He is choosing to deal with it in a way that is detrimental to us and he needs to go away and figure out how much he can offer his child. If that is being a weekend dad I would rather he admits it than keeps building us up and letting us down.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Would he really go 'off the rails' if you left him?

Or is this what you are telling yourself to justify staying? If he goes off the rails, he's a grown adult and it's his choice, you shouldn't be staying with him just to keep him on the strait and narrow path (which he doesn't, incidentally, seem to be doing too well with).

He's already partially derailed. Maybe you kicking him out would enable him to see that he needs help to sort himself out. Otherwise he's just going to keep this up - and I'm sure he has excuses. But they aren't good enough when they impact other people's lives.

[Ruffian]

I had a feeling he would see counselling as 'weak' given the whole The Man who provides and goes to the pub thing. It's a big shame since it would at least give him someone impartial to offload to and he probably really needs that.

[CastroIsDead]

Ive been exactly where you are now, I'm sorry you're going through this op.
You are in a strong position because you own the flat and have support.
He won't change, speaking from experience. My ex was exactly the same, the shaking will be withdrawal he has a big problem.
Mine would come in so drunk pass out fall over piss in the hallway break things. The last straw was when I was in hospital and had to discharge myself because I knew I couldn't trust him to care for the baby and I was terrified what I would find, wondering how many drinks he could have had while I was sitting there poorly waiting for test results.
I left him at the earliest opportunity which was when my son was 6 months old. He's 8 now and we are both really happy. I have never regretted leaving even though of course it was a difficult decision to make.
One thing I do regret is giving his surname. I would advise you to give baby your name. He can be on the certificate without giving his name.
Even if he's not on the certificate it will make zero difference to child maintenance I know this for a fact so please don't worry about that.
Don't worry about his mother either, grandparents have no rights in law.
Sort contact out between you, I doubt he will go for 50/50 he might settle for one day a week like mine has.

[TwiceAsNice22]

I’m sorry that you are going through this. Your situation sounds very similar to my situation. My ex did the same thing, binge drinking and not coming home until all hours, my entire pregnancy. He continued after my twins were born. It was awful. I remember that horrible, sinking feeling and feeling so stuck and trapped and feeling like I was living in a distorted reality.

I tried talking to him, having agreed times to come home, limiting drink etc. None of it worked, because he never saw or understand the impact of his behaviour.

I got all my ducks in a row and left when my twins were 2. I was very worried about visitation due to his drinking and the safety of my
girls, so I saw a lawyer to know where I stood legally and documented everything. In the end he agreed to not pursue overnights (my biggest worry) and to not drink or be hungover around our daughters. I made it very clear I would go to court without those agreements in place.. There were a couple of times he showed up clearly hungover/still drunk and I made him leave. He respects boundaries now! He sees our daughters nearly every day and has drastically changed his behaviour. (He can still be a jerk at times, but overall things are good).

I highly recommend that you give the baby your name, and that you start documenting everything. Even just for you to look at so you can remind yourself how unreasonable his behaviour is. Take some time to decide what you want to do, you don’t have to decide now. From experience though, I have so much less stress being a single mother than dealing with the daily stress from someone else’s toxic behaviour and I know my children are in a much happier situation now. I wish I had left when I was pregnant though. Best of luck with everything, and I’m sorry you are going through this.

[AjasLipstick]

He doesn't get a fucking SAY in your son's name. There's no "won't hear of it" at all OP.
Go and register your son. He can't do a thing about it.

[Juells]

I can't see the problem with leaving him off the birth cert just at the moment. If he straightens himself out he can be added over the next year.

It sounds like you know there's a problem that will never be solved, but you're sticking your fingers in your ears and going lalalalala because it's the easiest course right now.

What you do now will have repercussions for years. Think about yourself. Do you want a tug-of-war with his mother for the next eighteen years, where she feels entitled to interfere with every decision you make? That's what's ahead if you put his name on the birth cert. Also, if you ever want to move he could prevent you - or she could, by working the puppet strings.

[Jux]

Congratulations on your baby!

Just go and register your baby in your name, you can change that
later if you find that ex deserves it, but he'll have to work to get there.

You will be much happier on your own, until ex grows up. You'll never meet the man of your dreams while you're with the man of your nightmares.

[cestlavielife]

You have ababy to look after.
He is an adult.and has to take action to address his mental health.

You can't deal with a crying baby and a grown man s vomit.

Let his family keep.and support him. And clean up after him.
Set some boundaries.
He gets therapy and help or not ....his choice.
Until.he does then focus on baby and limit contact to when he is sober .