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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell ex about baby I'm not keeping?

176 replies

uhoh45 · 26/04/2018 18:09

I have mixed reviews from my friends. I feel I should tell him but really not sure.

For context. We were only seeing each other for about 4 months broke up 2 1/2 weeks ago had tipsy "goodbye sex" and I got pregnant! I've asked him over later to collect some of his things. We're amicable so not worried about him being violent.

Would you want to know?

Please be as honest as possible but do not try to convince me to change my mind as it's made up I cannot have this baby.

OP posts:
advocatingmum · 26/04/2018 20:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ as requested by the OP.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/04/2018 20:11

I think a termination is need to know. He doesn’t need to know. Neither did his friends.

flubdub · 26/04/2018 20:12

Hugs OP.
I wouldn't tell him. There's no point. I'm

Viviennemary · 26/04/2018 20:13

I genuinely don't see the point of telling a man that you're pregnant if you have already decided 100% not to go ahead with the pregnancy. Unless you need support or want him to have an input into the decision. Which OP doesn't seem to want. So why would you tell him or even tell lots of your friends. Maybe confine in one or two close friends. But telling everyone I just can't see why you would if you've made a decision.

SilverDoe · 26/04/2018 20:14

I think it's really strange that a lot of (I'm guessing) women on here think it's cruel for him to find out but it's perfectly ok for me to go through all this and deal with a mistake we both made by myself.

But that's just the reality of it isn't it. You are the woman, you are the one who gets pregnant; it's shit for both of you, but I'm more and more questioning your motives, it's starting to sound a bit malicious. I've had a contraceptive failure but never an abortion, and the idea of using it as a kind of weapon or something to get at the other person involved. Again, there are only a couple of scenarios which resulted in this happening, neither of you using protection or a failure.

And yes it is what some people think, you did ask for opinions. If you were conflicted over whether to continue the pregnancy or not, that would be an entirely different kettle of fish. But now it seems that the fact you have to do this is hurting you and you want him to hurt too. While I can maybe empathise a little, I think it's wrong. And you did ask.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 26/04/2018 20:14

Ithink it's really strange that a lot of (I'm guessing) women on here think it's cruel for him to find out but it's perfectly ok for me to go through all this and deal with a mistake we both made by myself

A mistake is forgetting to put the milk back in the fridge or leaving your packed lunch at home. Not using contraception isn't a mistake.

It's cruel on him as he gets no say, only you do. That's why people think you shouldn't tell him as he can't save his chid.

He doesn't get to own upto the responsibility as you have already decided you don't want the baby. Your choice but yours to then deal with.

mzcracker · 26/04/2018 20:15

I don't think anyone has suggested that you go through it alone. I hope you do have support because you will need it. But it doesn't have to be him.
I honestly don't know what purpose it will serve by telling him.

seven201 · 26/04/2018 20:17

Gees there are some harsh replies on here! Sometimes we just need help making the right decision as it's easy to lose perspective sometimes. Op has asked for advice and is going to go with the majority view. I'm sorry you're having to go through the abortion op. And I agree with everyone, don't tell him. If it all comes out then explain why you kept it from him - you can blame mumsnet!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/04/2018 20:21

I wouldn’t be surprised if you did need support. I’d ask a friend or my sister, not an ex.

flubdub · 26/04/2018 20:21

Got to love MN.
The poor OP is being chastised for telling her friends! Confused
Crazy idea - maybe she needed to talk to somebody.

OP - Do you think your ex would want the baby?
If no, and you think he would offer you support, tell him if you feel you should.

I probably wouldn't.

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/04/2018 20:27

pigeondujour

What rights do they have in this context?

Not exactly a right, but I would have thought

'Not to have his head fucked with' would cover it.

mishfish · 26/04/2018 20:29

I wouldn’t bother

I did this once thinking it was the right thing to do. We were 21. He sent begging emails to my work, and posted all over Facebook about it.

MilkyCoffeeAndSkinnySyrup · 26/04/2018 20:31

No I wouldn't.

brassbrass · 26/04/2018 20:34

Yes this thread is sexist. Poor guy has been judged and hasn't done anything more than the OP herself. Some of the attitudes on here are just wow. You all seem to know him so intimately that he won't support her blah blah blah. You have no basis for this opinion. If OP hadn't told others it would be different but you can't do that to someone. It's as much of a head fuck to find out later that everyone knew about something so private about you behind your back. He'd lose his friends, how could you feel the same about them knowing they knew and kept it from you? Do you want to alienate him from his friends as well OP? Maybe it would be best at least he would be shot of people who clearly aren't his friends.

Mannix · 26/04/2018 20:58

OP, have a hug from me. I can't believe the awful replies on this thread - this woman is about to go through a termination people, would a bit of compassion go amiss, rather than calling her 'cruel' and 'nasty'?

OP, I would tell him if I were you, and I hope he'll be able to support you through this as a friend.

PurpleRobe · 26/04/2018 20:59

Don't tell him

Lozxx · 26/04/2018 21:05

Of course you should tell him, it's his baby as much as yours. He 100% has the right to know, I think it's crazy seeing people saying he doesn't. You won't be able to live with yourself if you don't. Regardless of your decision it's best to have the support

FASH84 · 26/04/2018 21:10

Good God, it's like the nineteen hundreds on here. OP you've made the right decision for you, don't let anyone shame you. Maybe talk to one of your friends who already know, as they know him too and how he might react. It is shit that it's a mutual act and you're having to deal with the fallout alone. However if you want him to take part responsibility he might have a different opinion to you, and whilst that won't change the outcome it could make the situation more difficult for you. It's absolutely your call, and I'm sorry you've had to face abuse like this from other women.

DairyisClosed · 26/04/2018 21:10

I'be actually always thought that the father has a right to know (obviously there are situations when it is not safe to tell, this is not that). I don't know, it just seems a bit weird to me not to tell him but then again I suppose there are some men who wouldn't care at all.

Gottokondo · 26/04/2018 21:10

I know two men who had girlfriendswho accidentally got pregnant and aborted. They both had issues with this. One drove her to theclinic, afterwards told her he hated her for aborting and never wanted to see her again. The other was really hurt and although they sometimes bump into each other their friendship will never recover because he is so upset with her.

So no, I wouldn't tell him. It couldmean more problems and negative energy for you.

I hope you have a good recovery Thanks

DairyisClosed · 26/04/2018 21:11

Let's put it this way, if I were him I would want to know. I think it depends on what he is like ultimately.

Liara · 26/04/2018 21:16

What would make you feel better, OP?

That is your answer. As you have said, you are dealing with the consequences of both your irresponsibility, and if you think telling him and getting support from him would help, then you are entitled to that.

You should, however, think through other possible scenarios. I know someone who was in this situation, and ex begged her to go through with it and he would have the baby, do whatever she wanted, etc.

She did, and it's worked out really badly for both of them (he's a pretty good father, tbh, but she isn't a good mother and the two of them are at each others throats all the time, court, etc. - child is now a teenager)

helterskelter99 · 26/04/2018 21:18

In a similar situation I didn’t and have no regrets

Lacucuracha · 26/04/2018 21:25

You have the biggest heart in the world but want to make him grow up a bit by telling him you're pregnant and aborting the child? Hmm

I really distrust people who make such grandiose claims about themselves. We all secretly think we have the biggest hearts but we don't say it about ourselves.

I really wouldn't tell him, but I think you told these girlfriends because yiu knew it would get back to him.

SantaClauseMightWork · 26/04/2018 21:30

There is no baby.There will be no baby. 50% of nothing is nothing.

That's one of the most idiotic things I have read here in months and I am here daily.

There is something inside OP's body righ now which needs active medical fucking intervention. It is a biological phenomenon which has effects and consequences for her.
The guy took part in making it happen. Why shouldn't he face at least the emotional burden of it?

Tell him OP. Keep yourself distant from him and detached from his reaction, whatever it may be. Do not expect anything from him as he could behave in any number of way and we don't know how he will take it. But do tell him.

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