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Original poster

To tell ex about baby I'm not keeping?

176 replies

uhoh45 · 26/04/2018 18:09

I have mixed reviews from my friends. I feel I should tell him but really not sure.

For context. We were only seeing each other for about 4 months broke up 2 1/2 weeks ago had tipsy "goodbye sex" and I got pregnant! I've asked him over later to collect some of his things. We're amicable so not worried about him being violent.

Would you want to know?

Please be as honest as possible but do not try to convince me to change my mind as it's made up I cannot have this baby.

OP posts:
TIVI · 26/04/2018 19:39

there is no baby. The goodbye event was a mistake and this caused another mistake to be erased. Do you tell everybody about all of your mistakes ? If not then do not tell him

KnittinKitten · 26/04/2018 19:39

it's 50/50 each of your baby

There is no baby. There will be no baby. 50% of nothing is nothing.

Op you went out with him for 4 months. Get your support from people who have known you and loved you far longer than a few months.

The risk of him creating stress for you over this far outweighs the slight chance he might be supportive.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 26/04/2018 19:39

Why would you tell him? Here’s your baby say goodbye Confused? Just do what you want. It’s your body after all. Not his potential child....

Lostoldusername · 26/04/2018 19:41

Please don't tell him. I'm not sure why you would?
You don't plan on having the baby so it would be really cruel to tell him "I'm pregnant, with your child, but I'm not keeping it"

Buckingfrolicks · 26/04/2018 19:42

You shouldn't have told anyone really

why the fuck not? why should she keep her life experiences a secret from her friends? why should she not be able to seek support from friends?
This is not a dirty shameful secret. FFS

Valanice1989 · 26/04/2018 19:43

I don't understand your comment about telling him about the pregnancy to "make him grow up a bit", OP. What do you mean by that?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 26/04/2018 19:44

I would have kept it low key. I think most decent women would tbh.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 26/04/2018 19:44

I think that because you told friends who are girlfriends of his friends, you need to tell him. And before you have the termination.

Buckingfrolicks · 26/04/2018 19:45

it would be really cruel to tell him "I'm pregnant, with your child, but I'm not keeping it
why is that 'cruel'?
Why should she not say 'Hey Billy, you know that night we stupidly had goodbye sex? Well I got pregnant as a result, and while I'm certain I do not want a baby, and I'm not going through with the pregnancy, I felt it reasonable for you know know, from me, that this happened'.

DamsonGin · 26/04/2018 19:45

I see your dilemma but I think it's fine to put yourself first over his and do what's best for you.

Hope you're okay, have you got someone who can go with you or support you if you need?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 26/04/2018 19:46

So he can be thoroughly devastated? Why should he be told? So he can hold a vigil?

IndieRar · 26/04/2018 19:48

If you're still reading op, a friend told me she had had an abortion after a one night stand with a mutual friend many years ago. She had to offload and share with somebody for support. To my knowledge he still doesn't know. It's certainly not my place to tell him and betray my friend's trust. Haven't even told my DP. Nothing to be gained from telling except upset for both friends.

Original poster
uhoh45 · 26/04/2018 19:48

I think it's really strange that a lot of (I'm guessing) women on here think it's cruel for him to find out but it's perfectly ok for me to go through all this and deal with a mistake we both made by myself.

Thank you for your kind words Bucks

OP posts:
CheshireChat · 26/04/2018 19:49

So the poor baby should be protected from all and any consequences, but the OP shouldn't even confide or seek support from friends...?!

She isn't a horrible person for considering whether she should tell him either.

FWIW I wouldn't tell him because I wouldn't want a debate on the matter, my decision so his opinion would be irrelevant. however, I'd be 100% happy to go ahead with the procedure without anyone else there.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 26/04/2018 19:53

uhoh it is cruel for him to find out. It’s cruel for him to have no say in it. Crap all round. Use contraception next time. Abortion isn’t birth control. Well clearly it is in some circumstances.

pigeondujour · 26/04/2018 19:55

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Boredofthisnow86 · 26/04/2018 19:55

Yes OP it is cruel to tell him. "Here's your kid but nah, just kidding". That's what it would feel like to him. Why even bother?

It was both your mistake but it was your choice to terminate, possibly not his.

If you feel he's equally as responsible then by that logic he's equally as entitled to say he wants it. Which of course is not rational, because it's your body, your choice of course. So telling him would be equally as un rational in my view.

Boredofthisnow86 · 26/04/2018 19:58

And also yes... this is a case of using abortion as late birth control. Which is frankly abhorrent. Unless you used condoms along with the pill or the coil etc etc.

SilverDoe · 26/04/2018 19:59

I don't think the OP should not be able to tell her friends about this for fear of this man finding out. If she's specifically told people who have close mutual relationships with her ex, and had a range of other people she could have told for support, maybe that's a bit dubious but that's absolutely pure speculation and I doubt it's the case at all.

However, I do think think sometimes, there is a bit of a disconnect between what is morally just, and what is morally right. Perhaps it would be "fair" is to tell him so they both equally have to deal with it. But what does that really achieve? He is potentially messed up by it, and there are so many ways it could result in further upset - what if he wants her to keep it? What if he is indifferent and that in itself ends up hurting her? There are so many variables in opening that door. She's known him for 4 months, she isn't interested in him as a partner, she doesn't want the baby. I think she should just try and move on with her life with support from her friends and family, and maybe use the opportunity to get some LARC or something.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 26/04/2018 19:59

Cunt right back at you pigeondujour

CheshireChat · 26/04/2018 20:03

So it's preferable the OP has a child she neither wants, nor is she ready for because of a mistake?

If she were consistently reckless you might have a point, but as it stands... I'm just horrified at how sexist this thread is in general.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 26/04/2018 20:04

No it’s not preferable she has a child she doesn’t want.

Rachie1973 · 26/04/2018 20:08

uhoh
I think it's really strange that a lot of (I'm guessing) women on here think it's cruel for him to find out but it's perfectly ok for me to go through all this and deal with a mistake we both made by myself.

getting pregnant was a joint thing. If you were going ahead I'd say 'yes of course tell him'.

Having the abortion is your decision alone though. It's literally nothing to do with him.

puglife15 · 26/04/2018 20:08

It's a shit situation for you and I feel for you but no I wouldn't tell him. Maybe if you'd been together for years, lived together etc it would be a bit different. It was a bit crazy for you to confide in people who know him well, surely you have other friends/family outside of that circle but bit late now. Let's hope his mates aren't the talking kind.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 26/04/2018 20:11

Great post Rachie1973.

Exactly the point in a nutshell.

I hope you read that and act on it OP.

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