Should I tell my mum?

[MousyLousy]

I have NC for this as it's very outing. Please be kind with me as my head is spinning.

I'm in my early 20s. My dad decided to up and leave my mum about 3 months ago now. They've been married 25 years and always seemed happy to us (adult) kids. He moved into a flat near my house, which is about half an hour from my mum's, and said it'd be nice because he could see me (and my DC) more.

He's been acting really shady the past few months and made weird excuses for things. My mum wondered if he left her for another woman.

Dad decided to take us on a coastal weekend away which was quite nice but felt a bit forced. He went out to watch football one night with my DP and my sister and I went snooping as we felt like we were being lied to. Yes, I know IABU to have done this, but it was very fruitful. Turns out he has a whole secret life. We found:

• receipts for a very posh restaurant for a meal and drinks for 2 people amounting to an eye-watering £425
• an annual joint gym membership for himself, his new woman and her four children
• a receipt for work done on a new 7 seater Audi Q7
• John Lewis order forms for furniture amounting to thousands being delivered to an address just down the road from his flat. Some of it under her name and some under his.

Since we found her name we did some googling. She's 30. He's almost 50. She's only a few years older than me. One of her kids only looks slightly older than mine.
We found this address where furniture has been delivered to. The house was purchased in September for half a million pounds - we're in the North so this is a lot of money. It's a huge house.

My dad swears there is no other woman and is blaming the divorce on my mum; says she was hard to live with and fell out of love with her. Thats certainly true, my mum is difficult and we never had a good relationship when I was younger. But she does love my dad to bits.

So here's the thing. He sent the divorce papers through on Wednesday. He is suggesting she keep their family home (worth approx. £400k) her car (£20k) and the money in their joint account (not sure, around £80k), if he can have both of their rental properties (worth probably £400k joint), his car (£50k) and his pension (£???). My mum is thinking of agreeing to this.

My issue is:-

1. I think he has money stashed away. He's a managing director and earns £130k a year. He's obviously put a lot of money into this new house with his new woman, and bought a new car outright and furniture and god knows what else. Mum found he's funnelled over £15k in small increments out of the joint account throughout Jan and Feb without her even noticing.
2. my mum gave up her job when we were little at his request so she could be a SAHM to us kids. She never went back to work and instead does lots of volunteering projects and bakes from home which is pretty much non-profit, maybe £1k a year. Because of this she has little-to-no personal savings, just the money in their joint account. She also has no recent work experience and no pension except a tiny one from when she used to work before having us. She's found herself a job but it's only just over min wage due to her lack of experience and 'modern' skills with computers etc. My dad always said his pension would have them sorted for retirement but now he's planning to keep it himself.

What do I do? Tell my mum about the affair so she can counter his divorce and get a better, fairer settlement? Pretend I don't know and keep out of it due to the risk of falling out with my dad?

Sorry for the rambling.

She needs a killer solicitor and full financial disclosure. At the very least she's entitled to 50% of his pension on top of what he's offered.

I bet he's also got savings/investments that are not included in what he's offering.

Your mum definitely needs to get legal advice now, if she hasn't already. A pp was correct to point out that although the rental properties are worth about the same as the marital home, if they were sold, they are bringing in income too, so that should be taken into consideration of the division of assets. She should also go for half his pension as she's been a SAHM for all their marriage, at his request.

You can check whose name is on the deeds of the new house the OW is in, by going to the Land Registry site and paying about £3 to download the deeds. It's worth doing that, because if your dad's name is on it, that becomes another asset of their marriage.

I would photocopy all of the receipts and hand it over to your mum with the name of a shit hot divorce lawyer. He's going to rob your mother blind and she's potentially facing a very poor retirement because of him.

www.lawsociety.org.uk

I would ring her lawyer in confidence and ask hypthetically speaking if your dad had another woman would this change things.

Dont tell him anything go thru pockets etc again and photograph all the evidence

@humblesims yes I like this idea. She's entitled to 50% of what he has. But then maybe OP will feel guilty for still not disclosing? Man this is complicated.

Make sure the pensions valued in the divorce settlement.

It could be worth much more, and make what looks like on the face of it a decent deal for your mum a not so good deal.

Advise that she gets a good divorce lawyer.

I think on the other stuff you should stay out of it because I don't know what you would achieve by telling you mum, and as you pointed out it would damage your relationship with your Dad. Your mum will eventually find out (trust me!)

Support them both through this (even if your dad has been a ragbag).

Irrespective of the reasons for your dad leaving, your mother needs a better settlement than this. She should be entitled to part of his pension. So I don't think you should tell her about the other woman, just tell her to get a shit hot lawyer, who will look after her interests.

Tell your mum to ensure she gets 50 percent of everything. She sacrificed lots of things for him and need to get herself financially sorted. She will find out about the other woman sooner or later.

Admitting to the snooping will cause lots of problems.

You have to tell her. It's just a shame he's been too much of a coward to do it himself. He's trying to deceive her and all of you, for financial reasons. You do risk him being angry about spying on him but he's the one in the wrong.

My dad will probably never speak to me again and it was really bad for us to have gone through his pockets

Oh hell no. Tell your DM. She needs a good divorce lawyer pronto.

your DF is massively in the wrong here, all you did was act on your suspicions, which is a fair and reasonable thing to do when our loved ones are behaving differently, and you've proved yourself right. Don't let your DF blame you for this in any way.

Your DF already knows he's being dishonest, otherwise why would he be he's leading a secret life and lying to you? His love for you should never be dependent on your acceptance of lies and dishonesty, especially when it impacts negatively on your DM.

Do not confront him, all that will do is alert him and he will hide his assets, and possibly turn nasty. And I hate to say it, but from experience (and watching this happen to several friends over the years) if he's setting himself up with a 'new' family you may find yourself cut out of his life anyway eventually, irrespective of you going along with his bullshit now, so protect yourself and brace for impact of this woman and her family on your world.

Why are people saying 'don't tell her'? If she finds out later that her daughters knew and chose not to tell her, and she's been all nice in the divorce...how shit will she feel then? She'll feel that her husband and her children have colluded to do her out of the settlement she was entitled to.

If my daughters they did something like that to me it would destroy our relationship forever, I'd never recover.

Personally I think I would not admit to snooping or tell my mother anything. This would cause untold problems AND give your DF the chNce to hide stuff.

What I would do is tell you DM that you are concerned there is another woman too and hire a PI who will unearth ALL of this and maybe more. Then I would make certain my mother has a seriously good lawyer

Just my 2p.

Oh god how awful. You know you need to tell her. Whether she is difficult or not it sounds like he's royally screwed her over in more ways than one.

She's going to find out anyway. By telling her, you control how she finds out and give her time to protect herself. It needs to be done as gently as possible, but it definitely needs to be done.

Yes, tell DM and then neither of you must let on to him that you know. Then get a shit hot lawyer and make sure DM gets what she's entitled to. He's a shit, OP.

Your Mum will find out eventually. Best to be now, from someone who loves her, whilst she still has chance to get a fair deal.

Tell your mum. Make sure she has a damned good solicitor and treat him to what he deserves. Imagine how she'll feel if she's duped out of what she is entitled to and THEN finds out. Which she will. For sure. Better you tell her than that.

If your dad ever asks how your mum found out, just say something lie "Dunno, but her lawyer's really good, perhaps they found out for her".
That said, I don't think I would want much of a relationship with my dad if her did this (and I don't even really like my mum!).

Well done on the detective work. In this instance it’s totally justified. Your dad could hardly keep it secret from everyone forever could he? You have to tell your mum before he gets her to agree to a potentially bad deal.

Your mum needs to get legal advice before reaching any agreement.
I think the settlement sounds good except for the pension part, no way should she forfeit her entitlement to that.
What are your siblings thinking about telling her?

I would do a bit more homework before I decide what to do.

See if the house bought in September has his name on it, by getting a land registry search. If it is, his share should count as an asset to be divided. (It's entirely possible that OW bought the house herself, perhaps with the proceeds of her own divorce).

Is he just a salaried director, or does he have a share in the business? If the latter, I would get a copy of the latest accounts from Companies House, see what his shareholding is worth.

Then you can decide whether to tell your mum, or whether to use what you know to get him to be more generous.

She should definitely go for a pension share - that will probably be his biggest financial asset.

I don't like to be unkind to your dad, but he's behaved like a total shit. And if you tell your mum, you can explain that you didn't tell her sooner because you wanted to be sure of the facts first.

And I feel for you, finding what he's been up to must have been a hell of a shock.

I'm sure your mum will understand your delay in telling her, after all you are in a very difficult situation with divided loyalties...stuck between a rock and a hard place

they had a partnership and he is trying to con her out of her share of the assets, I think you should tell her but make sure she understands the difficulty of your postion

The idea about getting a private investigator is a good one. I'd do that tomorrow if you can afford it. I think not to tell your mum immediately as she will probably confront him and he'll start hiding his assets.