Should I tell my mum?

[MousyLousy]

I have NC for this as it's very outing. Please be kind with me as my head is spinning.

I'm in my early 20s. My dad decided to up and leave my mum about 3 months ago now. They've been married 25 years and always seemed happy to us (adult) kids. He moved into a flat near my house, which is about half an hour from my mum's, and said it'd be nice because he could see me (and my DC) more.

He's been acting really shady the past few months and made weird excuses for things. My mum wondered if he left her for another woman.

Dad decided to take us on a coastal weekend away which was quite nice but felt a bit forced. He went out to watch football one night with my DP and my sister and I went snooping as we felt like we were being lied to. Yes, I know IABU to have done this, but it was very fruitful. Turns out he has a whole secret life. We found:

• receipts for a very posh restaurant for a meal and drinks for 2 people amounting to an eye-watering £425
• an annual joint gym membership for himself, his new woman and her four children
• a receipt for work done on a new 7 seater Audi Q7
• John Lewis order forms for furniture amounting to thousands being delivered to an address just down the road from his flat. Some of it under her name and some under his.

Since we found her name we did some googling. She's 30. He's almost 50. She's only a few years older than me. One of her kids only looks slightly older than mine.
We found this address where furniture has been delivered to. The house was purchased in September for half a million pounds - we're in the North so this is a lot of money. It's a huge house.

My dad swears there is no other woman and is blaming the divorce on my mum; says she was hard to live with and fell out of love with her. Thats certainly true, my mum is difficult and we never had a good relationship when I was younger. But she does love my dad to bits.

So here's the thing. He sent the divorce papers through on Wednesday. He is suggesting she keep their family home (worth approx. £400k) her car (£20k) and the money in their joint account (not sure, around £80k), if he can have both of their rental properties (worth probably £400k joint), his car (£50k) and his pension (£???). My mum is thinking of agreeing to this.

My issue is:-

1. I think he has money stashed away. He's a managing director and earns £130k a year. He's obviously put a lot of money into this new house with his new woman, and bought a new car outright and furniture and god knows what else. Mum found he's funnelled over £15k in small increments out of the joint account throughout Jan and Feb without her even noticing.
2. my mum gave up her job when we were little at his request so she could be a SAHM to us kids. She never went back to work and instead does lots of volunteering projects and bakes from home which is pretty much non-profit, maybe £1k a year. Because of this she has little-to-no personal savings, just the money in their joint account. She also has no recent work experience and no pension except a tiny one from when she used to work before having us. She's found herself a job but it's only just over min wage due to her lack of experience and 'modern' skills with computers etc. My dad always said his pension would have them sorted for retirement but now he's planning to keep it himself.

What do I do? Tell my mum about the affair so she can counter his divorce and get a better, fairer settlement? Pretend I don't know and keep out of it due to the risk of falling out with my dad?

Sorry for the rambling.

Your mum will find out about the new woman and if she's signed for the divorce it'll be too late to help her get a better financial settlement for her retirement. Tell her !!!

It is likely that his pension is worth a lot. A lot lot. Especially if it is a final salary one.

(I have 10 years worth of a FS one and it is worth more than our house!)

You don’t have to tell your mum about the other woman.

You should tell your mum that she needs to get really good legal advice and make sure that all assets are allowed for and that she gets a fair amount.

As she gave up any chance of a career at your dad’s request and there’s is plenty of money sloshing about I would suggest that fair either means spousal maintenance or significantly more than 50% of the assets.

At the moment she is being offered about 50% of the assets excluding the pension. Which could be only 25% or so of the true asset values.

I would also go investigating about this house. If he owns or part owns it then it is also a marital asset.

Look at it from another point of view - if your mum finds out at some point that you knew about all of this, how would she feel?

I'd tell her.

You don't owe him anything if he's hiding money away.

Your dad is trying to fleece your Mum. That's not on.
He's also lying to you. Not really on.
Plus if your Mum finds out that you knew and didn't say she will be all the more devastated. She will find out either way at some point-rather she doesn't think you were also in on it (even if just by knowing and not telling her).

Your absolutely right OP, and either way it's going to be tough for you. Tell or don't tell. Maybe in the end it will come down to what you feel you can live with. It's a lot of pressure on you in an already delicate situation.

I’d blackmail your dad into offering a better deal, like half his pension in addition to everything else.

Oh god tell your mum the facts now before the divorce is through, WTF OP of course you tell her! He is using the divorce money to fund his new life and 4 new kids!

Take photographs of the evidence.

It may have been bad for you to go through his pockets, but what your father has done is considerably worse, isn't it?

So you don't tell your mum.

Your mum gets shafted financially and eventually finds out you knew about it all along.

How is she going to feel then?

Definitely tell your mum and advise her to get legal advice before saying anything to your dad

I also wouldn't feel guilty and after all the lying he has done I wouldn't admit to going through his pockets and would tell him that someone saw them and told you.

@ MousyLousy divorce proceedings don't work on blame. So it doesn't matter who was unreasonable to who or who cheated on who, as long as the couple have a reason for divorce that falls within the law. If they haven't been separated for 5 years then both need to agree on the reason for divorce. To make both parties feel OK with themselves 2 years separation is the best one to go for.

What really does matter is that your mum gets a fair financial settlement from your dad. As the money she gets is what she is going to have to live on for the rest of her life.

At the moment what he's offering doesn't sound fair though it is hard for anyone to confirm this without knowing your mum's age. This is because your mum hasn't been able to save up for a pension and depending on her age she will be entitled to half his.

So you need to tell your mum:

1. You believe what your dad is offering her isn't fair and you think he may have more money stashed away. You are going to try and find out more so it doesn't turn nasty for her, and,
2. She should take proper legal advice as due to her not working she could be entitled to half his pension.

If your dad isn't obstinate and more open then most of the matters can be dealt with through mediation. If he is then unfortunately a couple of solicitors will be made richer.

Sweetheart......... tell your Mum... RIGHT NOW.. before she signs away her entitlement to more than she is receiving... PLEASE

I wouldn't tell your Dad, it doesn't look like he will listen to you, and it will alert him. It's better when he thinks that you know nothing.
This needs to be discussed with your Mum and her lawyer. You could bring it up gently. She suspects already that there is OW, so you could suggest financial checks, etc and then see how things are. Also probably it's not a good idea to come and say straight away "we went through his pockets yesterday. He bought a house, a new car and OW is about 30".
I'm really sorry that you and your Mum are going through this.

When your mum finds out you knew and didn't tell her you'll lose her. So really, who do you want in your life as that is what it amounts to.

Stay quiet and devastate your mum while enabling your dad to fleece her.

Tell her and run the risk your dad will walk away, stop financially supporting you if he does, but your mum will get what she's entitled too. Are the OW four kids your dad's?

Just a thought but could he have taken a mortgage out against your mums house? Is it in joint names?

And yes to the pension thing. I was going to let my exh walk away with no pension sharing until oddly enough the Mother of the woman he was having an affair with (I didn't know at the time) advised me to think again (I can only assume she was feeling guilty on behalf of her daughter) and I'm now very glad I did. Your Dads pension will be worth a lot and half of that will be very valuable to your Mum if she doesn't have her one income and hasn't ever paid into her own pension.

He's lied to you as well. If you don't tell your mum now and she finds out about the wonderful new expensive life subsequently, will you be able to look her in the eye and lie, pretend you didn't know before she agreed to a lousy divorce?

You have to tell her.

@ShameOnFew I know she isn't destitute in any way, she's in a pretty good position really. BUT the money she has now won't last her forever, and a minimum wage job just about covers the bills on her house with just her and the dog living in it. Most of her friends are winding down from work and starting to retire or go to part time. She's just starting work again and is going to have to work incredibly hard to earn herself any sort of substantial pension now. It just doesn't seem fair.

@GnotherGnu don't worry. Got pics of everything

your mum needs legal advice and I would tell her what you know

you can't assume he had anything to do with the house purchase though - she may have done that herself

im with my partner 25 years. i think u shud tell her or itll all end badly. she cud find out u knew.id tell ure dad directly though.give him an option to tell her himself first

I would tell your mum that your dad has/will have, more money than he is making out and that she is entitled to more money than he is offering.
You don't need to tell her about the OW.

Confront your dad and tell him he has to do the right thing. I wouldn't be able to not tell him that I knew.

He's trying to fleece her, she needs a good divorce solicitor and the onfo on the new house he owns and she needs to have half his pension.
He made his bed and now needs to lie in it. I hope she gets half his pension and one of the rental houses too, along with what he has offered.

Mousy even if your mum isn't destitute, the simple fact remains that your father had the opportunity to build this career that pays so well because your mother stayed at home and manned the fort.

She is entitled to part of what she helped build.

Maybe you should actually hire a private investigator which means you don't have to confess to snooping but would mean your poor DM doesn't get fleeced. Tell her to hold fire on agreeing to anything as you and your DSis have suspicions that someone else may be involved and let the PI produce the evidence.

I wouldn’t tell my mum but I would tell my dad that I knew and to sort it out or I would be telling her.