Should I tell my mum?

[MousyLousy]

I have NC for this as it's very outing. Please be kind with me as my head is spinning.

I'm in my early 20s. My dad decided to up and leave my mum about 3 months ago now. They've been married 25 years and always seemed happy to us (adult) kids. He moved into a flat near my house, which is about half an hour from my mum's, and said it'd be nice because he could see me (and my DC) more.

He's been acting really shady the past few months and made weird excuses for things. My mum wondered if he left her for another woman.

Dad decided to take us on a coastal weekend away which was quite nice but felt a bit forced. He went out to watch football one night with my DP and my sister and I went snooping as we felt like we were being lied to. Yes, I know IABU to have done this, but it was very fruitful. Turns out he has a whole secret life. We found:

• receipts for a very posh restaurant for a meal and drinks for 2 people amounting to an eye-watering £425
• an annual joint gym membership for himself, his new woman and her four children
• a receipt for work done on a new 7 seater Audi Q7
• John Lewis order forms for furniture amounting to thousands being delivered to an address just down the road from his flat. Some of it under her name and some under his.

Since we found her name we did some googling. She's 30. He's almost 50. She's only a few years older than me. One of her kids only looks slightly older than mine.
We found this address where furniture has been delivered to. The house was purchased in September for half a million pounds - we're in the North so this is a lot of money. It's a huge house.

My dad swears there is no other woman and is blaming the divorce on my mum; says she was hard to live with and fell out of love with her. Thats certainly true, my mum is difficult and we never had a good relationship when I was younger. But she does love my dad to bits.

So here's the thing. He sent the divorce papers through on Wednesday. He is suggesting she keep their family home (worth approx. £400k) her car (£20k) and the money in their joint account (not sure, around £80k), if he can have both of their rental properties (worth probably £400k joint), his car (£50k) and his pension (£???). My mum is thinking of agreeing to this.

My issue is:-

1. I think he has money stashed away. He's a managing director and earns £130k a year. He's obviously put a lot of money into this new house with his new woman, and bought a new car outright and furniture and god knows what else. Mum found he's funnelled over £15k in small increments out of the joint account throughout Jan and Feb without her even noticing.
2. my mum gave up her job when we were little at his request so she could be a SAHM to us kids. She never went back to work and instead does lots of volunteering projects and bakes from home which is pretty much non-profit, maybe £1k a year. Because of this she has little-to-no personal savings, just the money in their joint account. She also has no recent work experience and no pension except a tiny one from when she used to work before having us. She's found herself a job but it's only just over min wage due to her lack of experience and 'modern' skills with computers etc. My dad always said his pension would have them sorted for retirement but now he's planning to keep it himself.

What do I do? Tell my mum about the affair so she can counter his divorce and get a better, fairer settlement? Pretend I don't know and keep out of it due to the risk of falling out with my dad?

Sorry for the rambling.

Ask yourself this... what if you don’t tell her and:

She signs the deal he’s offered

You/her later find out he’s fiddled her out of 100s and 1000s of pounds

She find out you knew and she’s 100s and 1000s of pounds out of pocket

The money from the divorce will see her into old age. It might seem a lot but it’s not in the grand scheme of things. It should all be split at least 50/50 AT THE VERY LEAST!!

Tell her and get her to get a really good lawyer. He doesn’t have to know how she found out it that you told her. But if he does, let’s face it, it’s not your fault, he’s the one that’s been lying

This is very difficult. Your mum will always be your mum and your dad will always be your dad. I think you have to be extremely careful what you do because you risk becoming estranged from either one of them, or both. It's all very well posters telling you to take sides with your mum and whilst I agree she's being treated very badly by your dad, it's not for you to get involved. However, you've involved yourself so what do you do?

I think you should keep quiet about what you know but make sure your mum gets the legal advice she needs, including how to get what is rightfully hers from your dad.

I am so sorry for your mother and your family. Your father is an absolute cxxt. If you don't tell your mother now, how will you live with this knowledge?

Your mother is entitled to half your father's pension - she needs legal advice before he rips her off and should not agree to anything he proposes until she has that advice.

She's 30. He's almost 50. She's only a few years older than me

this might not last too long, if I was 30 again (if only :o) and started a relationship with a 50 year old man I'd probably move on in a few years, not wanting to be stuck as carer to a man 20 years older than me.

He may well be so flattered by the attentions of a much younger woman that he overlooks the fact that his money is probably part of the attraction
wanting to feel young and desirable again can make common sense fly out of the window

Tell your mum.
If he was my father I wouldn't be calling him Dad. That's not behaviour of a Dad. It's the behaviour of a twat.

If you know the address of the house I'd do a search at the Land Registry website to find out if his name is on the deeds. Do you think the children are his?

Well he’s going to screw you inheritabce wise if he marries this new woman, everything will end up in her four children’s hands. Do bring the mercinary bitch that I am I would make sure your mum takes him for everything that she can.

*so being

Your Dad does not need to know where the information has come from, she could very well have hired a PI to find the information out.

I would certainly support and encourage your Mum to go for half his pension, that is what will support her in her later years. Don't forget he's in a good job, earning good money, assuming for the next 15 years AND getting income from 2 rental properties.
Your Mum on the other hand with this deal has no support when she stops working, a large house that will cost all her money to run and maintain.

Details of the OW will come out, it always does one way or another, this isn't about screwing your Dad over, its about making sure your Mum gets a fair deal

what does your sister say, will she be loyal to you?

I would tell her. If she settles with the offer you have outlined, what will she live on for the next 30-40 years? It doesn't sound like she will qualify for a state pension when she get to her late 60s. Who will have to help her financially if your DF hides his assets now? Don't give your DF the heads up, he will only get better at hiding his assets and your DM won't receive her fair share.

Yes she needs to go for half his pension. He’s treating her appallingly and she facilitated his working life by being a SAHM. I hope she and you do this in a v savvy way to make sure that he pays what he should.

Should probably also mention my dad left my mum when her dad was in hospital terminally ill with cancer. He died a month later. During that time my dad was moving in with his new family.

I was in team 'tell her' before, but the above really sealed it for me. To commit this level of betrayal is absolutely disgusting and the actions of someone that doesn't give a flying fuck about her. She deserves to be secure in her future and he doesn't deserve a shred of loyalty.

Nothing can be kept secret these days. As it materially affects the divorce I think I would have to be open with your Mum.

Are you sure that the other woman is his girlfriend and not his illegitimate daughter?

Say nothing to your dad, because t absolutely get a PI. It’s the only way you can be in the clear and the pi will find more out before your dad has a chance to hide anything further

You mum needs to stall him for now, play on the emotional side of things for a bit and get ALL the facts and figures to hand

If he’s bought that house with your family money, there maybe a way to get it included in any settlement payment. A good pi will have access to a lot more research tools than you and I would

You dad has clearly been planning this for a very long time. :(

Your poor mum.

So your Mum has pretty much never worked? Sounds like she's had a nice lifestyle and getting half a million out of the divorce seems good to me.

Is the "other woman" a daughter or a girlfriend?

I'd tell your mum. I'd also be having a chat with your dad - how come he's paying for gym membership for this woman's children but not for his own children (you and your siblings)? He's clearly spending a fortune and I'd be worried this woman is using him for money - usually there's only one reason a woman dates a man 20 years older than her. Depending how far the relationship goes, your dad could lose a fortune (and so could you and your siblings, in terms of inheritance). At the very least I'd want to make sure he's protecting his main assets.

your poor mum. hope your mum gets strong with the knowledge of what your dads really like

Please tell your mum

Don't keep quiet - you will be helping your Dad to fleece your Mum if you do. She deserves to have all the facts. His pension could easily be hitting the £1million mark, and there has likely been some siphoning into other accounts. The most important thing long term is that their net worth is split 50/50. Feelings have to be kept as separate as possible, and it is not possible for her feelings to be protected throughout this, so don't put that burden on yourself. Just be honest and be there for her.

It's up to your DM what she decides to settle for and in order to do this, she needs to be made aware of all assets involved. Your DF has been very deceitful from the sound of things, so you can bet your life that in her shoes, he'd be after what he'd legally be entitled to. If you're not sure about telling her, could you strongly suggest to her that it's very likely he has an OW & she therefore, needs to push him for answers & to visit a solicitor for advice?

I'd also be having a chat with your dad
the Dad is playing the OP's mum, but possibly also being played himself by the 'sugarbaby' girfriend.

Your Dad might end up on the bones of his arse having lost everything to the 30 year old....

Do NOT tell your mum about the other woman. You will not be thanked by either party and will get caught in cross fire. You have no idea of what may/may not have happened and tbh you may cause a fallout that may never be fixed. Forget what you’ve seen and focus on my second point below,

But DO tell your mum she is entitled to a fair settlement and needs to seek legal guidance ASAP. No share of the pension?! Your dad is being a dick with that offer if your mum has been a Sahp. Focus your efforts here. This is what your mum needs to prioritise in a level headed way. Not driven by the emotional turmoil that her exh may (or may not) have been through. THIS is how you can really help your mum right now.