Should I tell my mum?

[MousyLousy]

I have NC for this as it's very outing. Please be kind with me as my head is spinning.

I'm in my early 20s. My dad decided to up and leave my mum about 3 months ago now. They've been married 25 years and always seemed happy to us (adult) kids. He moved into a flat near my house, which is about half an hour from my mum's, and said it'd be nice because he could see me (and my DC) more.

He's been acting really shady the past few months and made weird excuses for things. My mum wondered if he left her for another woman.

Dad decided to take us on a coastal weekend away which was quite nice but felt a bit forced. He went out to watch football one night with my DP and my sister and I went snooping as we felt like we were being lied to. Yes, I know IABU to have done this, but it was very fruitful. Turns out he has a whole secret life. We found:

• receipts for a very posh restaurant for a meal and drinks for 2 people amounting to an eye-watering £425
• an annual joint gym membership for himself, his new woman and her four children
• a receipt for work done on a new 7 seater Audi Q7
• John Lewis order forms for furniture amounting to thousands being delivered to an address just down the road from his flat. Some of it under her name and some under his.

Since we found her name we did some googling. She's 30. He's almost 50. She's only a few years older than me. One of her kids only looks slightly older than mine.
We found this address where furniture has been delivered to. The house was purchased in September for half a million pounds - we're in the North so this is a lot of money. It's a huge house.

My dad swears there is no other woman and is blaming the divorce on my mum; says she was hard to live with and fell out of love with her. Thats certainly true, my mum is difficult and we never had a good relationship when I was younger. But she does love my dad to bits.

So here's the thing. He sent the divorce papers through on Wednesday. He is suggesting she keep their family home (worth approx. £400k) her car (£20k) and the money in their joint account (not sure, around £80k), if he can have both of their rental properties (worth probably £400k joint), his car (£50k) and his pension (£???). My mum is thinking of agreeing to this.

My issue is:-

1. I think he has money stashed away. He's a managing director and earns £130k a year. He's obviously put a lot of money into this new house with his new woman, and bought a new car outright and furniture and god knows what else. Mum found he's funnelled over £15k in small increments out of the joint account throughout Jan and Feb without her even noticing.
2. my mum gave up her job when we were little at his request so she could be a SAHM to us kids. She never went back to work and instead does lots of volunteering projects and bakes from home which is pretty much non-profit, maybe £1k a year. Because of this she has little-to-no personal savings, just the money in their joint account. She also has no recent work experience and no pension except a tiny one from when she used to work before having us. She's found herself a job but it's only just over min wage due to her lack of experience and 'modern' skills with computers etc. My dad always said his pension would have them sorted for retirement but now he's planning to keep it himself.

What do I do? Tell my mum about the affair so she can counter his divorce and get a better, fairer settlement? Pretend I don't know and keep out of it due to the risk of falling out with my dad?

Sorry for the rambling.

Tell her.

My dad will probably never speak to me again and it was really bad for us to have gone through his pockets.

It really wasn't. But it was really bad of him to have an affair, lie to your mum about why he's leaving her and plan to deprive her of finance that she's entitled to. I promise, next to him, you have done nothing wrong and don't ever forget that.

Good luck.

Mousy what a horrible position for you to be in. My own children are about your age and my eldest has really struggled with his dad and me splitting up and divorcing but there really was no one else involved for either of us.

My suggestion would be to tell your dad what you know and give him the chance to tell your mum - put a (very short!) time limit on it (a week at most) and if he doesn't do it, tell her yourself. I never advocate lying but if she asks if you knew later on, you could legitimately say you only found out around the time she did

Not sure if this would work, can you make sure she gets a brilliant lawyer and then tell them to look into your dads finances? So your mum is covered but you didn't break your dads trust?

Tbh, though, I would tell me mum in a heartbeat.

tell her soon.. don't waste any more time... this is too important lovely

*Should probably also mention my dad left my mum when her dad was in hospital terminally ill with cancer. He died a month later. During that time my dad was moving in with his new family.

I'm so angry about it all but also devastated. I loved my daughter having her two grandparents and it's all changed. *

That's disgraceful behaviour op. Please help your mum ensure she gets what she's entitled to, including, as many others have said, her share of his pension and any money that has been siphoned off to pay for this new family's house, gym membership, Audi, etc etc.

He doesn't want her to have the rental properties or her entitlement to his pension - long term income items...

PPs are right, you need to warn your mum he is hiding money from her and full financial disclosure is essential

I;ve not had time to read all the comments but to me this is a no-brainer.

your dad has caused your mum's situation by reqesting she stay at home to care for the kids. Which she agreed to do on the basis that he was going to use his pension for them both.

I'd grab every scrap of evidence and suggest your mum gets a shit hot lawyer. Your dad has behaved appallingly.

If your mum was so hard to live with, by all means divorce but don't steal your mum;s retirement money, your dad really needs a wake up. Please, please do not let your mum down in this. One day the truth will come out. Perhaps when your dad presents you with a baby sister or brother. And your mum will find out what your dad has done.

@MousyLousy "I just hate the idea of telling her as she'll be devastated and upset I didn't tell her straight away. My dad will probably never speak to me again and it was really bad for us to have gone through his pockets."

Tell her now while she can use this evidence to get her fair share of the family money.

If your dad doesn't speak to you more fool him. To be honest what he has done is so low I am not sure I'd want to speak to him for a good long while.

Please don't give your dad a chance for any more underhanded behavior.

If your partner ever did this to you, I am sure you would want to know and be in a position to change things while there is still time.

She needs to engage legal help. She is entitled to half the pension.

The pension is very important.

Main thing here - tell her not to let go of the pension. She's entitled to half and she needs to think of her care in retirement years!

Don’t confront your dad. He will start hiding assets even more.

Agree with Idontdowindows "the simple fact remains that your father had the opportunity to build this career that pays so well because your mother stayed at home and manned the fort.

She is entitled to part of what she helped build."

@MousyLousy "Should probably also mention my dad left my mum when her dad was in hospital terminally ill with cancer. He died a month later. During that time my dad was moving in with his new family." What a peach of a man!

"I loved my daughter having her two grandparents and it's all changed." I has not all changed. He has changed it.

"I do need to tell my mum." Yes, you do. XX

Is new house in his name? You can check on land registry for a few quid. If it is it is a marital asset.
He clearly has money/accounts hidden from your mum for years.

DO NOT TELL YOUR DAD THAT YOU KNOW BEFORE MUM GETS LEGAL ADVICE.

He has enough cash to rent a flat to keep up his lies until divorce is sorted.
She should go for half of pension and a rental property to provide an income.

Take tb to the cleaners nd i hope she retires in sunny climes

Support and protect your Mum - make sure she gets legal representation as he is clearly not trustworthy or fair.

Sorry your Dad has put you through this

It is the pension that's most important. She must be advised not to let that go.

Yes, encourage her to fight through the courts. That way most of the money will be spent in legal fees and the problem will be resolved

My dh was sort of in a similar situation to this. His parents split up when he was 1o. His father was open that he was leaving for another woman, but dh's mother was a nightmare to live with. However, she was a SAHM in order to support his career.

DHs dad moved a number of asets/investments into OW's name before starting divorce proceedings. OW lived abroad. Dh was unaware of this BUT was in contact with his dad, so knew the name of OW and when his mum asked, told her
His mums lawyer then found a business in thd name of OW which was clearly his dad's business, and this was taken into account when thd financial settlement was sorted.
DH's dad held this against DH for years even though it was him who had hidden the assets and dh had disclosed the OW name in innocence.

I think your father is behaving appallingly, and your mum should know about the assets, but your dad may be very angry with you. I'd still tell your mum if I were you though.

Isn't there something like a forensic accountant that can track money been moved around and make sure there are no other accounts in his name. If he's stashing money somewhere then it must be moved from their account or his own account that he gets paid into?
Maybe encourage your mum to ask the solicitor about finding out if he's got another account of a way to see just how much he's been shifting out since she's already aware that he's taken 15k in just a couple of months. If he's been doing that for years then it could be a lot of money he's hiding. That way you aren't outing your dad, he'll never know you went through his pockets but your mum is protected and will probably find out about the divorce.
In your situation I'm not sure I could say something, but I'd be encouraging her to find out.

Going through pockets isn't ideal, but attempting to fleece the mother of your children is reprehensible. Tell her. If he cuts contact with you for it, you're well shot of a useless greedy lump of a father.

@LittleEnd - she isn't necessarily entitled to half the pension it really depends on her age. If she is over 55 then yes definitely, if she is under 40 then no. (I did work with someone in their 50s who had a wife under 40 whose children were in their early 20s.)

Anyway this doesn't mean she isn't entitled to at least one of the rental properties regardless of her age.

She must not agree to that particular deal - it is not a fair one. She must seek a full financial disclosure and ensure that pensions are included. She will undoubtedly struggle to cope with all this information - please look out for her and support her.

I would confront your dad. It would be good if your mum could have a rental property so she has some income.

If you think it will devastate her,stand back and think
Does she have a solicitor? If not, get one. If so, the solicitor will advise her re financial disclosure, especially the pension.
However, your mum will find out sooner or later. At least once it goes through and he moves in with her.
So its a question of when and how you want your mum to find out.

Are the children his?