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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell my mum?

331 replies

MousyLousy · 26/04/2018 15:59

I have NC for this as it's very outing. Please be kind with me as my head is spinning.

I'm in my early 20s. My dad decided to up and leave my mum about 3 months ago now. They've been married 25 years and always seemed happy to us (adult) kids. He moved into a flat near my house, which is about half an hour from my mum's, and said it'd be nice because he could see me (and my DC) more.

He's been acting really shady the past few months and made weird excuses for things. My mum wondered if he left her for another woman.

Dad decided to take us on a coastal weekend away which was quite nice but felt a bit forced. He went out to watch football one night with my DP and my sister and I went snooping as we felt like we were being lied to. Yes, I know IABU to have done this, but it was very fruitful. Turns out he has a whole secret life. We found:

  • receipts for a very posh restaurant for a meal and drinks for 2 people amounting to an eye-watering £425
  • an annual joint gym membership for himself, his new woman and her four children
  • a receipt for work done on a new 7 seater Audi Q7
  • John Lewis order forms for furniture amounting to thousands being delivered to an address just down the road from his flat. Some of it under her name and some under his.

Since we found her name we did some googling. She's 30. He's almost 50. She's only a few years older than me. One of her kids only looks slightly older than mine.
We found this address where furniture has been delivered to. The house was purchased in September for half a million pounds - we're in the North so this is a lot of money. It's a huge house.

My dad swears there is no other woman and is blaming the divorce on my mum; says she was hard to live with and fell out of love with her. Thats certainly true, my mum is difficult and we never had a good relationship when I was younger. But she does love my dad to bits.

So here's the thing. He sent the divorce papers through on Wednesday. He is suggesting she keep their family home (worth approx. £400k) her car (£20k) and the money in their joint account (not sure, around £80k), if he can have both of their rental properties (worth probably £400k joint), his car (£50k) and his pension (£???). My mum is thinking of agreeing to this.

My issue is:-

  1. I think he has money stashed away. He's a managing director and earns £130k a year. He's obviously put a lot of money into this new house with his new woman, and bought a new car outright and furniture and god knows what else. Mum found he's funnelled over £15k in small increments out of the joint account throughout Jan and Feb without her even noticing.
  2. my mum gave up her job when we were little at his request so she could be a SAHM to us kids. She never went back to work and instead does lots of volunteering projects and bakes from home which is pretty much non-profit, maybe £1k a year. Because of this she has little-to-no personal savings, just the money in their joint account. She also has no recent work experience and no pension except a tiny one from when she used to work before having us. She's found herself a job but it's only just over min wage due to her lack of experience and 'modern' skills with computers etc. My dad always said his pension would have them sorted for retirement but now he's planning to keep it himself.

What do I do? Tell my mum about the affair so she can counter his divorce and get a better, fairer settlement? Pretend I don't know and keep out of it due to the risk of falling out with my dad?

Sorry for the rambling. Sad

OP posts:
KC225 · 26/04/2018 16:41

Your mother has the right to know. She may be difficult to live with but she doesn't deserve this.

Without admitting to the snooping, is it possible to suggest to your mum she doesn't agree to anything because you have heard some rumours. Perhaps suggest a private detective to calrify if she can afford it. It may give her a sense o having power back by doing something.

gg5891 · 26/04/2018 16:41

What if it comes out one day that you did find this stuff. You'll lose your mum for not telling her and 'siding' with your dad and you could lose your dad for snooping.
She deserves to know - you didn't have to tell her straight away - you've had to get your head around what was going on yourself.

TeeBee · 26/04/2018 16:41

Your mum needs a forensic accountant if he is squirreling money away.
Can you tell her you have reason to believe he is not being quite honest about how much money is available from the marriage and tell her not to agree to anything until he has given a full financial disclosure. When he has done that, she should then send in the forensic accountant to do their stuff. Courts look very unfavourably upon someone not given full financial disclosure and compensate accordingly.

You don't need to disclose the ins and outs of what you've found, you just need to tell her that you have reason to believe there is much more money available than he is making out.

Troels · 26/04/2018 16:41

info, not onfo

ShortBook · 26/04/2018 16:41

I would definitely encourage (strongly) your mum to see a good solicitor and not just ignore the pension. The pension is likely to be the biggest asset - it is probably worth in excess of £1M given is salary and age - is your mum aware of that?

Notonthestairs · 26/04/2018 16:42

She needs legal advice now. They both need to disclose their assets for a fair and workable division. She absolutely does not give up on the pension.
Just ring around your local firms now and get an appointment. Then start getting the info together.

It's awful that he's lied - but now it needs to be about protecting her future.

AntipodeanOpalEye · 26/04/2018 16:42

Another point to consider is when he has his new family all set up, and OW is his wife just how welcome your own family will be in his life. The type of man who lies and cheats like this may not have any compunction in discarding existing family ties for a "clean break" with a new family elsewhere.

bouquetdiva · 26/04/2018 16:42

Tell your Mum! You will regret it otherwise when she is a poor pensioner, possibly living on her own, whilst he spends his big pension on a nice life with his new family

TorviBrightspear · 26/04/2018 16:42

OP, experience tells me that your dad will be offering what he thinks he can get away with.

It will be nowhere near what your mum is entitled to so yes find a way to get your mum to have good legal representation and help her get a decent settlement.

Your mum is going to be hurt in any case, as info about the owner will reach her eventually. Help her get a fair deal now.

SofieMonde · 26/04/2018 16:43

U will have to blackmail him into a good settlemnet for ur mum and some hush money for urself he can afford it lol

TorviBrightspear · 26/04/2018 16:43

Owner = ow

Birdshitbridgegotme · 26/04/2018 16:43

Tell your mum. So she can get what she's entitled too. Why should this new woman swan around with your dad and all this money while your mum is left worrying about her future. When your mum helped your dad get the money he has. (By being a stay at home mum, he didn't have to pay for childcare)

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 26/04/2018 16:44

you can't assume he had anything to do with the house purchase though - she may have done that herself

Hmm - single mother starts dating very well off older man. He leaves his wife for her. Coincidentally just before this happens she purchases a very large house on her own.

Or

Rich man buys house with money he has hidden from his wife. Moves in new younger woman.

Which is more likely????

Flockoftreegulls · 26/04/2018 16:44

Tell your mum, if she asks why you didn't say sooner tell her you have been agonising about what to do.
Your dad is the one who has put you in this position, I'm sure your mum will understand.
Tell her like you told us, that you are upset and feel awful for her.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 26/04/2018 16:44

The fact he's got an ow is irrelevant. However, the fact he's spent money on another house whilst married to your mum is, as is the pension element.

Your mum really needs to consult a lawyer. Tell your mum about the house (it might be hard to do that without telling her about the ow). She really mustn't sign away her entitlement to the pension

Tartyflette · 26/04/2018 16:46

Morel issues aside, what your DF is offering does NOT sound like a good deal for your DM at all -- what percentage is it of their joint assets? (and his pension should/will be definitely taken into accout when totting those up. )
Whether you tell her or not she should NOT sign anything without taking some very good legal advice.
I would tell her if I were you, and explain you were devastated when you first found out, it took you xxx days etc to get to grips with it, you didn't know what to do, but you're telling her now as she needs to know.

soupforbrains · 26/04/2018 16:47

Not just the pension though, there are two rental properties there which are not only a property asset, but also a means of income. he's leaving her with a bunch of cash but no income. whereas he's taking the two income properties and his pension in full.

Definitely tell someone. BUT before you do make sure you have copies/photos of any and ALL evidence just in case your dad decided to bury things even further rather than own up.

IveGotNoClothes · 26/04/2018 16:48

If my DF was about to fleece my DM, I'd certainly tell her & tell her now.

He's taking the piss, he can't have his cake and eat it.

pigsDOfly · 26/04/2018 16:49

Think Musketeersmama's idea is a good one.

Your DM shouldn't agree to anything he suggests until she taken good legal advice. She needs to know what he's been up to but I'm not sure you should be the one to tell her; that's going to be hard for you and her.

However, a private investigator telling her is a whole different ball game. Then she'll know exactly where she stands.

He's clearly not going to give her a penny more than he wants to, if he has his way. Get her to a solicitor and get that PI on the case.

PieAndPumpkins · 26/04/2018 16:50

I agree, tell your Mum.

thethoughtfox · 26/04/2018 16:50

Tell her.

extinctspecies · 26/04/2018 16:50

That is too big a thing to keep secret for the rest of your life.

The sooner you tell someone and deal with the aftermath, the sooner it can be fixed.

Maybe start with telling your dad what you know, and giving him a chance to tell your Mum first.

It is very wrong of him to try & hide assets form your mum so they don't go in the divorce settlement. Blame has nothing to do with it.

Sadsnake · 26/04/2018 16:50

Ofcourse you tell your mum....you absolutely have too..

Original poster
MousyLousy · 26/04/2018 16:50

Should probably also mention my dad left my mum when her dad was in hospital terminally ill with cancer. He died a month later. During that time my dad was moving in with his new family.

I'm so angry about it all but also devastated. I loved my daughter having her two grandparents and it's all changed.

I do need to tell my mum.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/04/2018 16:50

it was really bad for us to have gone through his pockets

But not as bad as having an affair and leading a whole secret double life!!! This is a problem your Dad has created, you've just found it out.