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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To chalk this up as CFery, and cancel the sleepover?

204 replies

Skittlesandbeer · 26/04/2018 04:34

Backstory: we live 9 months a year in an urban centre, 3 months each year we move to the country to bring in a harvest at our small farm.

We have a great relationship with our all our farm neighbours, and try hard to be good community members even though we are crazy busy when we are at the farm (as we are now). Our next-door neighbours have become quite close with us in recent years, due to us having DDs the same age (7) who adore each other.

Last summer, unbeknownst to us, they decided to heavily ‘prune’ the row of 25yo bushy cypress trees which form the ‘fence’ between our properties, about 15 trees. Basically they stripped all the lower branches, to over 2 metres from the ground, think lollipops. It effectively makes it look like one property, rather than two, and took away a lot of our privacy as well as wind-protection and gave us line of sight to a busy road.

The trees were originally planted on our side of the boundary (trunks), with large branches on either side. The neighbours needed to be on our property to complete half the job, and a big 3-4 day job it would’ve been, too. They didn’t get in touch before, during or after.

When I saw it, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I actually stood there, rubbing my eyes and shaking my head in case I was seeing things. Their chickens, dogs and kids had evidently been using our garden as an extension to theirs all year. I invited her over for tea and asked her through fairly clenched teeth what had happened. She was shocked we didn’t like the new look, and seemed to expect thanks for all their hard work😧. I was quite proud at how calmly I told her that no, we were going to need them to reinstate the boundary with something equally natural (ie not some cheap metal panelling) asap. At this point she gets teary and tells me they are putting their house on the market, and are short of funds due to property improvements they’ve made. (Yeah, like the chainsaw fuel they needed to double their garden space, I thought loudly).

I stood my ground and made sure DH did the same seperately with neighbour DH. He (but not she) apologised profusely, said ‘it made sense to do it at the time, but now that you explain it, I can see we did the wrong thing’. He is a builder by trade so we agreed he would consider the fencing options, and get back to us. We tried to look at it as a ‘spilt milk’ situation, and got on with our harvest.

Fast forward 2 months. We’re nearing the end of our farm work, kids have been playing together a lot, families sharing food, help, excursions, etc. A few times we’ve raised the fence topic, looking to get it resolved before they formally put their house up for sale, so we don’t have randoms walking through our property when we’re not here. Vague nodding from them. Today I go over to get firm confirmation of the plan, and timings. She squares off at me and states that they will not be doing or paying anything towards the fence, that they were completely justified in what they did, that we should stop pestering them about it when they’ve got so much on their plates (designing their new house) and anyway, we’re hardly ever here to use our garden so why are we making such an unreasonable fuss?

I’m stood there like Shock then burst into tears and run off home. I’m usually so capable and practical and calm, but she’s ruined my lovely private garden, devalued my property, patently waited until I’m trying to finalise our business and pack up the house to drop this bombshell. Admittedly I’m exhausted and stressed, and fairly ‘peopled out’.

The girls have a long-awaited sleepover at theirs on Saturday, before we leave Monday. AIBU to fake an excuse to cancel it (with all the drama it’ll cause with the girls) and add further bad feeling? I just want a quiet few days to figure out what to do with these CFs, and finish my work. I thought they were sane, and friends. Unless of course we’ve been unreasonable too?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 26/04/2018 06:52

No don’t let her off the hook. Say something like:

“I think it would be better to cancel the sleepover. Such a shame for the girls. We are very upset about the damage to our trees and use of our land when we are away.”

I would see this as your first piece of legal documentation in case of legal action.

Juells · 26/04/2018 06:53

I'd have thought you could sue, surely that would show up when they try to sell?

I wouldn't let my child go there again. They're horrible people with no boundaries (no pun intended) so they'd probably rant at her or be throwing the evil eye.

Forgottencoffee · 26/04/2018 06:54

Please don’t stop your DD from going to the sleepover. She’s probably really looking forward to it and is probably already sad she’s leaving her friend (who is also probably going to have moved away next time she’s over at this house)

Graphista · 26/04/2018 06:55

Sounds like you're not familiar with the law where the property is. Probably worth finding out you might be pleasantly surprised.

Think a visit to a lawyer worth doing anyway

Daftquestion1 · 26/04/2018 06:58

I'd cancel the sleepover as they are moving anyway. TBH, I would just put a fence up myself. I know you shouldn't have too but it's the least stressful option. Given they are selling they are unlikely to do it themselves and you need to feel your property is secure in your absence.

Lillylollylandy · 26/04/2018 07:01

Agree with PP. put up a fence now to mark out the boundary.

catinapoolofsunshine · 26/04/2018 07:02

Is your property empty 9 months of the year? If so you absolutely need to put a fence up yourselves, otherwise the buyers of the neighbor property may genuinely believe that they've bought part or all of your garden as part of the neighbor property. You'll then have a bigger mess to sort if you don't meet them until they've built a summer house and a pool on your side of the boundary...

Lacucuracha · 26/04/2018 07:02

Echoing others - don't give them the satisfaction of ending things on a 'good' note. Drop the sleepover.

ClownsAndJokers · 26/04/2018 07:05

Don’t do the sleepover, and send that text re the kitchen window! Ok maybe don’t actually send the text but I’d want to...
I wouldn’t send my child to stay with someone I’m arguing with. And I would be arguing after what they have done to your trees. Wow.

MiniCooperLover · 26/04/2018 07:07

Cancelling the sleepover punishes the children, don't do that !!! Be the bigger person for that but get a fence up !! Also a diagram would be helpful 😊

Roussette · 26/04/2018 07:07

I am split on this, sorry Skittles.

I agree they shouldn't have gone ahead without running it past you. But you are never there, and don't really live there from what you are saying. Yes, they should put it right now but I just think they are ther 365 days of the year and your trees probably impacted on their property. Of course they should not have trespassed to do this, they should have run it past you first.

In our previous house we had huge leylandii in a NDN's garden that made planting anything in ours impossible as they drained all the moisture out the earth. They shaded all of our garden. We nicely asked them repeatedly to prune them and they used to take about an inch off which made no difference. They then agreed we could have them done by a tree surgeon (with us paying, not them!). They went beserk at what we'd done and nearly caused a fight in the street with the tree surgeon, it was an awful time.

Would you have agreed to them being pruned? I wonder if the answer is No. Of course they should not have bulldozed on trimming them but it sounds like they thought they were doing the right thing at the time.

SoupDragon · 26/04/2018 07:07

Send your DD on the sleepover but fill her full of sugar and artificial colours first.

I think you should get your DH to talk to her DH about the fence as he seems to be more reasonable than his wife. Say that you will have no choice but to start legal proceedings if they can not sort this out amicably.

TuTru · 26/04/2018 07:08

I tell them I was taking it to court xx

SoupDragon · 26/04/2018 07:10

it sounds like they thought they were doing the right thing at the time.

When is trespassing on someone’s property to damage something of theirs ever the right thing? They had also been using the garden as an extension to their own.

chocatoo · 26/04/2018 07:13

Don’t cancel sleep over. Send solicitors letter and sort fence after.

TuTru · 26/04/2018 07:13

What is CF?

Juells · 26/04/2018 07:14

Cancelling the sleepover punishes the children, don't do that !!! Be the bigger person for that but get a fence up

Their DD will get over the sleepover being cancelled a lot sooner than she'd get over the mother being horrible to her for the whole evening. She's too young to understand what's going on. I would never allow a child to stay with people I was having a dispute with.

Roussette · 26/04/2018 07:14

As I said in my post, they should not have done this without speaking to the OP. However, I just wonder if the trees have been a point of discussion between the two parties before.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/04/2018 07:15

Rousette
I get what you’re saying. However, surely these people have ops number. They’ve been friends and neighbours and I expect were asked to keep an eye on the property. Idk about the issue of taking moisture out of the ground or taking Light - op said it’s a hot country so i would think it gives shade. But surely they should have discussed it first and only cut anything overhanging on their side.

Are the trees planted actually on the physical boundary or stepped back a meter op? If they’re on the physical boundary, they are too close to the neighbours property.

GaraMedouar · 26/04/2018 07:15

I would cancel the sleepover too. And put up a cheap fence before you go just to keep them out.

KERALA1 · 26/04/2018 07:16

Urgh sympathy op FIL does this if they visit he "helps" with the gardening which involves him brutally chopping back our lovely trees when we at work and leaving us with all the branches to dispose of. He never does weeding or anything properly useful just hacking which he obviously enjoys. I felt sick when I came home.

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 26/04/2018 07:18

Can you installed some barbed wire fencing preferably electrified before you leave? With some giant ugly signs saying 'private property'. May be more inclined to get them to fix their mess, it won't be a good look for selling.

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 26/04/2018 07:19

Also yes, cancel the sleepover. I wouldn't trust someone like that with my child.

TheVanguardSix · 26/04/2018 07:19

I wouldn't cancel the sleepover.

I'd keep in mind that you can't draw blood from a stone- they can't magic up the funds. Going to court...where will that get any of you? They're moving away.

What they've done is not cool at all, but when you leave a property empty for months on end, without any sort of fencing, this is typical of what happens. My mum leaves her property for months at a time. The neighbors use her washing machine and dryer all the time while she's away (they are outside in a car port/open garage- hot climate, not in the UK, common to do this where she has her house). They use her garden, eat her fruit (that's a good thing!). She has a little moan about it but hasn't done anything to deter them.

I think that you'll have to chalk this up to a big learning experience, draw a line underneath it, wave your neighbours off, and PUT UP FENCING.

TheVanguardSix · 26/04/2018 07:20

On second thought, I would cancel the sleepover. It's true... you really don't know how this mother is going to treat your daughter. Chances are they won't take it out on the kids. But it's so awkward, the situation.

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