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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this mother wants me to pay for her dd’s party?

178 replies

tinkertailorsoldierspyy · 25/04/2018 19:35

Namechanged in case said mother sees this - don’t want it linked with my other posts.

I have a dd aged 6 in Year 1. At pick up on Monday a mum of a girl in her class came up to me and said she was wondering if I would like to have a joint birthday party for our DDs this year, as they both turn 7 in September.

I thought it was a reasonable idea in principle - our DDs aren’t particularly close friends but if it’s a class party I don’t think that really matters, they’d each have their own friends there. I told her I would be happy to discuss it.

Yesterday evening she texted me saying that she’d found a perfect venue (a roller skating rink) and that it would be about £200 each if we invite all the kids in their class.

Unfortunately, my dd hates roller skating - we tried taking her recently and she was absolutely petrified and wouldn’t let go of the side. I therefore texted back straight away saying that roller skating wasn’t going to work. She didn’t reply, and then this afternoon when I saw her at the school she asked why I had dismissed her idea without even considering it. When I explained again that dd cannot roller skate and is not going to want a roller skating party for her birthday, the mother suggested that I take her once a week until September so that she can learn how to skate. I didn’t want to have an argument with her just as the children were coming out so I just said I’d think about it and walked away.

AIBU to think that her dd wants a roller skating party and her mother just wants me to pay for half of it?

OP posts:
GrasswillbeGreener · 25/04/2018 21:55

We did a 3 way joint birthday party for my son when he was 6 or 7. Booked at a health club venue that "did" parties. I was shocked how expensive our 1/3 share still was to be honest. Though it was nice that my contribution otherwise was a parcel for pass the parcel and a cake.

You are absolutely right to say no, a joint party must be based on something all the birthday children would enjoy!

CocoaGin · 25/04/2018 21:59

£400? Where is she planning it, the garden at The Ritz Hmm

She has an agenda. And who the hell plans a party for September in April?!??!?

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 25/04/2018 22:00

I would say that, on second thoughts, it's better to have separate parties so that both girls get the party that they want. I would also say something like "Isn't it a good thing we realised in plenty of time". If you want, you could also very generously offer to let her choose her preferred date and you will pick either the weekend before or the weekend after.

Plumsofwrath · 25/04/2018 22:10

Yes, I think it’s very odd that’s she’s planning in April for a child’s party in September. There has to be a reason for this. I’m quite pleased I’m not cynical enough to even guess what that could be!

Original poster
tinkertailorsoldierspyy · 25/04/2018 22:13

Yes, I think it’s very odd that’s she’s planning in April for a child’s party in September. There has to be a reason for this. I’m quite pleased I’m not cynical enough to even guess what that could be

She said she just thought we should get it sorted before school breaks up for the summer, as their birthdays are both v early in Septemver.

OP posts:
Fia256 · 25/04/2018 22:16

I'd be inclined to go get in contact with the venue and ask about their prices, whether you intend to go for the joint party in the end or not! Have a feeling she's over quoting you so that you'd be getting the majority of the cost and it's a nice cheap perfect party for her dd.

I also would nip this in the bud and give her a clear no answer tomorrow. Telling her you'll think about it each time is just delaying the inevitable no!

Sara107 · 25/04/2018 22:17

I would text her and say roller skating won't work as your DD doesn't like it. But offer two other options ( eg soft play or swimming) that would be acceptable. If she she isn't willing to compromise then she's not really interested in a joint party.

ISaidIWasTired · 25/04/2018 22:25

I just can't get over the fact she's planning her kids September birthday party in April!!! 🤔

fruitbrewhaha · 25/04/2018 22:35

For 25 x 6 year olds to skate you would need approx 25 adults to hold them up. She's nuts.

OreoMini · 25/04/2018 22:44

I booked my sons soft play party in January for June Grin... I just like to be organised and I wanted a certain venue on a certain day so wanted to get in there first.

Fridasfridgefreezer · 25/04/2018 22:51

I’ve booked my daughter’s September party venue last week. It’s a children’s centre that gets booked up and last year was full. So not so odd.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 25/04/2018 23:00

Several good suggestions of how to respond to the mum saying no politely but firmly. I hope you are able to pick one of them (or a mixture and use it).

I like the suggestion of checking with the venue quietly what the cost will be too, because if she IS sneakily trying to get you to pay more than half, it will be something to keep in mind if she agrees to compromise and do a softplay or swimming or whatever else party instead.

To those expressing shock that they're discussing it now for a September birthday (although it IS early) I do sort-of get it, and assume that most of you don't have DC with birthdays early in the school year? My DD has a November birthday, and friendships can be really fluid when they're young. So it can be really hard to make sure you invite the ones who are going to be their special friends that year. Hence whole-class or big parties, I guess. And they're only at the talking about it stage at the moment.

OP, I do think you've got 'on' to roller-ziller very quickly, and that will hopefully save you a lot of pain in the run up to party day! (otherwise, this thread might run up until September!)

MizCracker · 25/04/2018 23:06

Another one here who booked a September party in April. It was a popular venue and invitations needed to go out before the summer holidays so I figured, why not?

firstnamecraplastnamebag · 25/04/2018 23:19

Cheeky bitch is trying to fleece you!

Wollstonecraft1 · 25/04/2018 23:23

We had a joint party once for the whole class, it was fine but the other parent wanted to go OTT on decorations, cake etc and really ramped up the costs often without discussion so that was awkward.

Tried again with a different friend but our DD's couldn't agree on what kind of party to have so we did our own thing as I didn't want it to be a compromise for both of them or one getting their way over the activity.

Shadow666 · 25/04/2018 23:32

I would just say no to the joint party. If you don’t really know the other person it could get awkward fast. Just say DD doesn’t want a joint party but thanks so much for asking and leave it there.

DesperateAndDistressed · 25/04/2018 23:43

£400? That's what I paid for my competitive low level roller skates!

As a skating fanatic, your daughter is BU to be afraid of skating Grin but it is definitely way more than I would feel comfortable paying.

Say no. You can even mention me, nursing an injury for over two years now and unable to walk pain free without very expensive trainers.

honeyroar · 26/04/2018 00:14

But if you book a party now for September how do you know how many to book for? From what I've read on here, half the parents don't rsvp'd until the last minute!

If I'd have been pulled up and questioned over why I'd dismissed her idea I would have said "because I know my daughter doesn't like skating, and if we're already disagreeing perhaps it's better to have two smaller parties?" (Although she'd probably invite everyone else in the class except your daughter then! Possibly your daughter won't care if she's terrified of skating,)

AntipodeanOpalEye · 26/04/2018 01:48

OP, the long and short of it is your DD does not want a Skating Party so that's the end of it. Now you just need to decide if you want to continue looking for a compromise activity which would suite both DC's within you respective budgets, or decide that you would both be better suited arranging individual birthdays.

TheDowagerCuntess · 26/04/2018 02:30

She sounds like a pain in the neck.

And not someone you want to be joint organising something with.

I would just text back and say you'd prefer to do your own thing.

What's she going to do? Force you to have a joint party? Well, she can't...

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/04/2018 05:59

I booked my dds roller skating party at least 4 months in advance. They get very booked up. It was for her 7th and not many parents helped their kids skate. Hers was not the only roller skating party that year and yr 2 kids coped just fine.

All of these things are irrelevant though because it’s not what your dd wants and it’s bloody expensive for what it is. I’d also be interested in whether the woman is pulling a fast one. I said up thread dds party was maybe half that. It was 4 years ago. But from memory hiring the hall was circa £150 and food was about £2.50 a head. So £200 on the basis of 20 kids.

longestlurkerever · 26/04/2018 07:33

But if you book a party now for September how do you know how many to book for? From what I've read on here, half the parents don't rsvp'd until the last minute! it's perfectly sensible to book well in advance. You couldn't leave it till you've got all your RSVPs! And it's perfectly sensible to see if someone with a similar-aged kid wants to split the costs with you - especially if it's an expensive party - £400 is a lot but all-class parties are a lot. Getting pushy about it is where this stops being sensible.

TakeMeToKernow · 26/04/2018 09:10

You’ve totally nailed it that she just wants someone else to pay half of her party :)

I invite families to come on holiday with us so we can pay less to go somewhere nicer Grin My cheeky fuckery has not yet been successful, but one day...

What’s your plans next Easter tinker? Smile

Balaboosteh · 26/04/2018 11:32

I did an expensive all-class party with another parent, for my twins and her DD but didn’t ask the other parent for any money because she was skint and at the time I wasn’t. It was a lovely party. Although it would have been nice if she’d lifted a finger on the day and it would have been nice to be thanked, but that’s another story. Hmm

Dulra · 26/04/2018 11:42

YANBU If you are going to opt for a joint party both girls need to be happy with where it is at if your daughter hates roller-skating that is not an option but if that is the only venue the other girl wants her party well then joint isn't going to work.

On a side note my daughter for her 7th birthday wanted to go to a trampoline park I said it was too expensive for me so she (unbeknownst to me) found a girl in her class with a birthday near hers and convinced her of the merits for a joint party in the trampoline park. This girl said it to her mum who texted me to see would my daughter like a joint party at the trampoline park. Didn't take a genius to work out the scheming my daughter had done Grin

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