To discourage Dd from having a baby

[sandsandthesea]

She is 19 and wants to start a family. Aibu to be honest with her? She’s been with her dp since they were 16.

I'm one of the Jews 18 etc except I was 24. If you have babies young you have the time to travel etc after the babies have grown up. You are also young enough to support your children when they have babies. For some people material things don't matter and a kiss from your grandson makes all the effort worth while.

Where did Jews come from I said those

So replying to OP. You've are not unreasonable because your daughter don't seem financially stable. Maybe ask her to wait a few more years and try get a better job and make sure she is able to have their own home first.

Snorting at some posters alluding to my life being ‘rare’ as if to cast some doubt on whether I’m telling the truth or not.

Not telling fibs, just didn’t see why a baby at 20 should dictate how I lived my life, have a supportive partner who has been a 50/50 parent (being young he hadn’t the years of only pleasing himself some man children on here have and therefore he has never known any different and has grown up being a decent partner and father).i also have supportive parents and in laws and that has to be such a defining factor in how well I have done, they’ve pitched in with childcare and been very generous with their time. DH and I both come from ‘good’ families where ambition was encouraged. That continued after DD was born 🤷🏼‍♀️

I can confirm that LarryFreakinStylinson is indeed kickass and her DD is fabulous.

I sort-of wish I'd had kids earlier. In reality I faffed about through my 20s, didn't get far enough in my career, and lost far too much money and brain cells to nights out.

For some people material things don't matter and a kiss from your grandson makes all the effort worth while.

A kiss doesn't pay for a rental or a mortgage, for clothes and food and toys, for childcare, for possible medical treatment outside of the NHS if you have a child with health issues, for one person to quit working if the child is severely disabled, for the many many things a child needs that can't be paid for with anything other than cold, hard cash.

It's naive to suggest 'material things don't matter'. They certainly do to a child who isn't being fed or clothed properly because their parents had them before being financially independent and secure.

At 19, whether you admit it or not, you have not lived. You never took the opportunity to expand beyond your own little bubble. Just tied yourself down to a (more than likely) very limited life in terms of opportunities for growth and adventure.

How many people get through life and they haven't bothered to do any of these things either though, regardless of when they have kids?

Some of the comments here are so patronising. Its not necessarily the age its the circumstances. I was pregnant and gave birth at 19 and living at home, was less than ideal but I was employed and finished with college, we moved out and rented and with family support went back to work. You could have similar issues fina cially/emotionally at 19 or 25 or 40 imo. I wouldn't say I missed out really as having DP around meant I still went out if I wanted to but comparing to other friends who then spent their 20s still living at home, bumming around and drinking/working shop jobs around uni etc. I find my life more fufilling.

Not been on the thread since about page 4 but again, I think it's the ops dds circumstances that are the issue here, not her age. I had my first at 21 (pregnant at 20) , second age 23, 3rd age 25. All planned and absolutely no regrets. My dh is 10 years older and I find it funny that I have judgemental comments but he never would....even though we are a couple. We would absolutely love another but are stopping at the three we have as although we could manage we don't want to just manage, we don't like the children to go without. I'm a fantastic parent, I will say that out loud and don't care if people think I'm being goady or whatever about it I do a damn good job. I will however say there are plenty of people that wouldn't have been ready for babies when I was....some people have babies at 30+ though and dont manage. We are all different though 19/20 IS the right age for some whether people agree or not. I personally wouldn't want children past the age of 30, that doesn't mean I think its wrong, just not my preference.

At 19 whether you admit it or not you have not lived at age 19 I had experienced alot more than some people my age (now 27) have now. Not everyone is the same

Comments about not living and not wanting anything in life are ridiculous.

Having a baby hasn't stopped me living or wanting anything. I've got exactly what I want and will continue to. I dont understand why you all seem to think having a baby means life stops? Mine hasn't.

Agreed Flamingo.

Well obviously it depends on what people's goals and ambitions are in life. As some people have said they never wanted to go out partying, experimenting with sexuality etc and couldn't think of anything worse than travelling and all they (or what they most) wanted was a family. I'm a young mum and I admittedly didn't feel that way and have found it very fucking hard because settling down was not my greatest ambition or something I particularly wanted to do at the time. I'm still a good mum I just find it very fucking hard (I am younger than your dad). All the young mums I've met find it very hard too and most are single. Although everyone will be different. I think there's a tendency with young mums to want to prove people wrong because we are stereotyped and told we'll be shit mothers. But I don't feel as though I have anything to prove and yes I really do find it hard (as do most people but more so because I wish I'd done more before having kids and yes I can later but I think it's valuable to have young carefree years). I would want my daughter to think about everything she wanted to do first and definitely be completely independent but otherwise it's up to her. I would mourn her freedom though but if she was happy that would be a self projection I guess. Everybody's different and as long as she's not relying on you in anyway then let's all be happy for the choices and freedom we have in this country and time.

But there does seem to be an un comparable to real life amount of young mothers with ideal circumstances and perfect lives here. It's just a fact that that's not the case most of the time (in couples, financially stable, lots of parental support and emotional support). Being a young mum is fucking hard. Being a mum at any age is hard but accomplishing everything with children and babies makes things infinity times harder- therefore being a young mum IS harder. I was 16 when I had my kid. I wouldn't change anything now but I would never recommend it.

dd not dad

Excellent posts gigglesnpoos

I was with my partner from a young age (16) and started talking about a family at about (20) with him so I can see her thinking. However we go a house first then got married and had baby at 30. IMHO I'm glad we waited till we were a bit older so much changed in those years with moves, jobs, mental health issues and us as people. It's hard work now let alone with all the other issues I had going on at that age. Obviously it would be best to wait until they were at least in their own house. How are they planning to afford it kids cost loads and I only have the one!

giggles I'm not saying it hasn't been hard. It's been hard.

I'm lucky in that my relationship is still going strong and that I live in a cheap part of the country where I can afford a house of my own and the fact that I landed a decent job.

It could have easily all gone to shit (And still could) but it could at any age.

I agree statistically it's more likely when youre going but it doesn't mean that because youre young it definitely will.

So many people see babies as bad things but a few girls I know who had kids goings it's been the absolute making of them and I would put money on the fact they woild have pissed money up the wall and not worked on a career etc in their twenties but they work fucking hard now - for their kids.

It depends what you want in life doesn't ot. If you want £££££ And world travel maybe don't have kids at 19. Not everyone wants that though.

I just personally resent the comments about it stopping your life and killing your ambition.

@flamingofridays people say it's been the making of me too but I still feel sad for what I've missed out on. I don't think it's fair to say people who haven't been working towards a career family life etc... who've been fucking around in some people's eyes and partying and blablabla have not been doing anything valuable because I think doing those things are valuable too. A valuable part of your youth/life and self development. And people have different goals. Some people never want stability and want to travel forever and their lives are just as justified as those with kids and careers and houses etc.

* I just personally resent the comments about it stopping your life and killing your ambition.* - I agree with this but I still think you miss out on a big chunk of life (being young and carefree). But yes again some people never wanted that anyway.

I'm not saying that's not valuable or valid - if that's what you want to do its fine of course it is and I understand feeling like you've missed out. It was more in reference to the save up and wait 5 years comments. A lot of people just wouldn't do that and woild be in the same position at 25 anyway if you see what I mean? So telling people to wait doesn't always make a great deal of difference imo.

I agree about missing out on being young and care free, but I've never really felt like that anyway. I had anxiety from 16 which I only really got rid of at about 18/19 so i don't really know what I'm missing.

Plus im looking forward to only being 40 when my ds is 20 to be honest!

I had my son at 21, I'm still happily married to the same man, we started off with nothing and now comfortable but not rich. We have had a fantastic life together, I am truly blessed and very lucky, I'm nearly 50 now so it can work

I would try to have a conversation with her and list all the things that she is giving up once she is becoming a momy.

What though?! What is she giving up???! It’s a wonder anyone has kids at all based on this thread. You’d think they ended your bloody life and there is nothing left to live for once you’ve expelled them from your uterus.

What's she giving up?!

Everything. Freedom. And peace of mind. Once you have a child they come first - always. I want my daughters to have the privelege of putting themselves first for those precious years when you are energetic and gorgeous.