To discourage Dd from having a baby

[sandsandthesea]

She is 19 and wants to start a family. Aibu to be honest with her? She’s been with her dp since they were 16.

Regarding also the comments about weight of responsibility/ emotions etc. TBH being very young parents we didn’t have these emotional stresses of holding it all together, the parenting books etc. We were young and easy going, baby went everywhere, didn’t really interact with the notion of routine, let alone measuring up the perfect items or the right approach.

I see friends in their late thirties having their first, Hypnos birthing classes, yoga, deciding on mood colours, certain items etc... it’s stressful. We were a bit more simple about it then, dressed them in anything that fit and didn’t even manage to buy a cot. Kids were happy and so far successful and confident.

Being married is some level of protection: the DD in this case isn’t.

YouTube horror story time

@Dozer even being married at a young age is no comfort if the worse happens and one of the partners' died. My own mother was widowed at 22, with no qualifications and a young child. She had to rely on family - and most of them were her cousins - to help her out.

Martin Lewis has talked about the fact 1 in 29 children lose a parent before 18. Now if you are in a precarious financial position, which you are more likely to be in when you are young, if this happens you are screwed.

Far better for both of them to enjoy themselves and set themselves up so they are more financially stable before they have a child. Obviously there is no perfect time to have a child and this also doesn't stop the worse life events happening but hopefully at least it won't be as precarious financially as it is now.

Tell them to consider their jobs, housing situation, income, lifestyle. And how do they think a baby will affect everything. Writer it all down with them both if necessary. Definitely consult the other parents, do they even know? the answers shd speak for themselves. Go9d luck, i wdnt want to be in yr position.

DD was 19 with her first, 20 with her second and 25 with her 3rd. They married a year before the third one and so far they are still incredibly happy together. My mum was 18 when she has me, my aunts slightly younger and my maternal grandmother was 20 when she had her first. Age is no indicator of good parenting

I had my first child at 20, bought a house at 21, got married when DS was 9 months old so was legally protected... Mortgage was joint as we both had decent jobs. Would I recommend to my now 17 year old ds to have a child in a couple of years? No but I wouldn't be patronising and tell him he would have nothing to offer as a parent either, as some pp have done. OP if she asks for your advice then I would give it but if not then I'd probably keep schtum.

Dh and I had first child at 22 and sixth at 35. We were happy and still madly in love 30 years later

However

Just had a Skype chat with my 19 year old dd now travelling around Melbourne. Other teen dd studying at uni.

Beyond happy for them and utterly grateful neither has experienced the utterly life changing and life limiting experience of a baby now or hopefully a good few years to come.

Is she pregnant already OP and testing the water before she tells you?

I had my dd when I was 17, her dad and I split and I went straight to uni after she was born, luckily my family were extremely supportive. I moved into my own home at 19 and graduated at 21. I then went on to get my masters, my dream job and I am currently expecting my second daughter with my amazing partner.
I was extremely lucky but would NOT advise anyone to have a baby that YOUNG. It worked out for me. It was tough but if she wants it she will work hard for her child and give it just as good life at that age.

My sister fell pregnant at 19 after she hadn’t been with her partner long. We were all so worried about how she would cope as she’s quite immature. Well she is the best mum I’ve ever known and I’m not just saying that because she’s my sister. Yes 19 is young and of course i understand Your concerns but she’s an adult and she can make her own mind up. My sister has a full time job and her and her partner last year bought a house. 19 isn’t as young as you think even if she is still your baby. I think if a woman feels she’s ready to have a baby nothing you say will change her mind.

Ambition is the best contraception, does she have any

Very true statement though, those that want a decent life build their career first and become stable before bringing children into the world.

Given she's 19 and wants a baby, unlikely not re ambition.

Education tries it's best to equip students with one but factors at home etc play a much bigger part and children tend to emulate their main role models.

Lots of judging on here. I bought my house at 19 (with no help from parents) and had first child at 20.

It's great and I was never an dam still not one for going out and getting shitfaced and I couldn't think of anything worse the travelling so for me it's been great. Don't regret it for a second.

Would i be unhappy if ds had a baby at 20? Not neccesarily. He could be 35 and in a shit situation and I'd be more unhappy about that than if he was 20 and settled with a job, house etc.

Glad a lot of you aren't my mum. Bet you'd have fab relationships with your kids if they really knew what you thought

And boxsets that's especially judgy. I have a shit ton of ambition some say too much and I work my arse off and have been promoted and had a significant pay rise since ds was born and he has just turned two so please don't tarr us all wiyh the same brush.

I haven’t read all of the posts but just my thoughts. At 19 her age is mostly irrelevant. She is legally an adult. However as her mother and the future grandmother of any child they would have you wouldn’t be unreasonable to raise concerns not due to her age but due to the fact that they do not have their own home. It doesn’t matter if it’s buying or renting, running your own home and supporting themselves is the first step to proving that they can even support a baby. Having one on purpose then expecting to get housed by the government is not (not saying that’s their plan just that a lot of people do). DH and I were not married when we had DS1. I was 19 and we were renting but the pregnancy wasn’t planned. Still we were adults and we had jobs and decided to go through with it. 10 years later we’ve been married nearly those 10 years have 2 children and husband still works super hard to pay our way. We claim no assistance not even tax credit as DHs earnings are above cut off and we’ve made a pretty good life for ourselves so it can be done. BUT I am now doing a degree through the open university because I missed out on my education by having children so young. So whilst telling her flat out it’s a terrible idea would be unreasonable discussing it through with her and just saying that you aren’t trying to tell her what to do but that you love her and she is YOUR baby and you just want to make sure that she has planned it and isn’t going to be selling herself short of opportunities

There are a million stats that show the 'life chances' of teen moms is much less than those who have children later but these choices are often very wrapped up in class and environment.

If all her friends are having children (so it's normalized) and she has no more ambition other than to have babies and live around the corner from you, then I'm not sure what you can say to change her mind.

But you should say something - this is not the kind of thing to 'keep your nose out' of.

Of course you're not unreasonable!!!

At the very least I would point out to her that without kids she could travel, study, go to festivals and parties and generally live a young life! With kids she needs to put them first in everything that she does and she cannot go back on it!

Even if she waits five years she'll be in a much better position.

When people talk about what a parent can offer a child, I don't think they're questioning their ability to parent.

I think it's more a case of being able to offer stability, experience of the world, wisdom, a well rounded approach to life etc. It isn't necessarily about money either though we can't deny that for most of us, our financial situation improves with age.

I'm a little bit older than 30. I've experienced many highs and many lows in life, I'm in a decent place in my career, have grown immeasurably as a person over the last decade, I've had my opinions and views shaped by the wider world rather than my immediate environment. I've done reckless things and I've learned from them.

Now would have been my perfect time to have a child.

I had my children at 16, 19 and 23. I don't regret them for a minute, but I do regret who I had them with. It means I'm tied forever to men I'd rather not be, and that makes mine and my kids lives harder than they needed to be. If they asked I'd advise them to be married and settled (regardless of age) before planning to start a family.

I think it's a bit like when you've decided you want to buy something, it's really hard to cool off when you have convinced yourself you need that thing.

Your encouragement about career/house/life etc first may have needed to start about age 5 onwards...

Well I always knew my mum was ambitious for me to go to university, as she'd never had the opportunity herself, and to travel as she herself had travelled in her 20's. Did I think she was judgey for making her views known? No, she wanted me to have opportunities. I also know if I'd got pregnant at 19 she would have been initially disappointed but 100% supportive of me (in fact more supportive than I might have been given she's a fairly devout Catholic).

I met (now) DH at 19, I'm 36 now and we're expecting DC2. During that time we've received university degrees, built careers, lived overseas & bought a house. I also have the comfort of knowing that I have a career and a measure of financial independence if anything happened to DH or to our marriage. There was no need for us to have a child within 3 years of shacking up. I am a different person to who I was when we met but luckily we've changed together - some couples don't.

My way is not the only way but would I discourage my 19 year old daughter from having a baby? You bet I would. Despite all our relative material advantages having a baby was still incredibly hard and I would not want to to be 19 with no financial independence and living with my boyfriend's parents when I had my first child.

Just support her or you'll push her away. If that's what they've decided then nothing you'll say will change their mind, only hinder your relationship. Personal experience. You can think you're subtle and suggesting stuff but it's not subtle. And if you're posting this on an advice page then you're obviously not close enough to just say whatever you wanna say. Everything will work out fine. 19 isn't even young.

So parents should endorse every idiotic whim of their teenage children lest they "push them away"? God almighty

@Forkit

Exactly! I think you don't have much of a routine yourself when in early twenties so the baby just fits in and you adapt to each other. I was a bit older, but also never got a cot, and thought my crappy 50 quid buggy (still using) was the standard .