To discourage Dd from having a baby

[sandsandthesea]

She is 19 and wants to start a family. Aibu to be honest with her? She’s been with her dp since they were 16.

Speaking as someone who had my first at 20 and my second at 28 I would tell her this, it’s so much harder when your that young and have nothing set up ready, I to was living at home so it ended up me, dp and ds1 in one room for a year untill we finally got a council place which was miles away in the sticks from everyone I knew, two bus rides actually, dp was either at work or back in our home town with friends or staying at he’s mums. One thing is for sure your life changes but that doesn’t necessarily say the fathers does he can still go out willy nilly do what he wants. All my fiends were getting their careers or education and going out, shopping, lunches holidays abroad and I was trying to work out how to survive of 4 hours sleep and raise this tiny human who I loved so very much but also made me worry so much that everything I was doing was wrong or the life I was gonna provide for him was not good enough. I love my ds1 with all my heart and wouldn’t change him for the world but I would change having him a few years later in life, i felt very lonely and isolated and we struggled financially so much, we started a new with a place we had to kit out then with all the baby stuff. In the end me and xdp did break up. With my second I had my career back, my own home where I wanted it and was already kitted out and was financially stable so I could really enjoy the early years without the stress and worry about food clothes etc. Also I had mummy friends so we did play groups and soft play etc which were things I could never afford with my youngest. I would personally wait just a few more years, first thing I would do is tell her to save up and move in to their own place you don’t really know someone untill you are living with them and have all the bills etc to to pay together and be grown ups not mummy and daddy helping you out. Xx

OP you should give her your views as you're the parent and her next of kin too. Whether she hears you or not that's up to her but you'd have done your part and will be content that she's definitely weighed all options. You might tell her something she might not have thought about.

She may get to her late 20s and regret not doing it younger, she may face fertility issues, anything, or she may get to her late 29s and regret not having freedom and fun in her 20s.

What I would say is explain to her the changes her own body will still go through until her mid 20s (like when your brain/maturity leaps again and prunes all the unused memories etc). That what she wants now may not be right for her when she's 25, they may grow to be different people but still be tied together forever through the child.

I feel at 19 though she probably thinks it's the natural progression of her relationship (could it be rocky or coming to it's natural end, unknown to you op?), rather than face the alternative of splitting up.

I will say I have been with my DH since I was in my late teens and we have grown to be two totally different adults than we were teenagers and it has been doubly hard because of that.

I was married at 19, had my DS at 19. It's been a breeze, I've no regrets.

I have a fairly good job, DH has a very good job (although he's admittedly 6 years older).

I don't understand this obsession with owning your own home and huge savings. Yes, a cushion to fall back on is very nice but a lot of people far older will never have these things

I'd have failed if all they wanted was a child yet had nothing to offer as wanting to be a parent isn't enough.

What a load of rubbish. Not every 19/20 year old is unstable with 'nothing to offer w child'

And what's this other obsession with MN thinking all young folk should be travelling with a North Face packback, with only a toothbrush, spare underwear and mooncup to see them through?

I was pregnant at 19 and baby at 20 but situation maybe different as I was in an abusive relationship which ended when DC1 was 7 months

As well as raising my DC1 single handedly for 5 years and deal with abusive ex, I have studied and worked my arse off non stop for the last 7 years as well as have 2 more children with my (nice) DP. I’ve still got a few more years to go to get myself back on an equal footing education and career wise had I not had my DC so young. It has been EXHAUSTING and honestly, had I have known it was going to be this tough I wouldn’t have done it.

Your DD is so young. It may not occur to her yet that she will disadvantage herself so so much having a baby at this age. Granted you can work and study as well as have children but it’s tough.

Keep the lines of communication open with her. Life isn’t fun and games, if her and her partner split up would she be entitled to benefits? What’s her career thoughts?

Jeepy don't you think that's a little bit offensive? Comparing buying a nice thing to a young couple considering a baby?

What is the hurry? My dd waited until she got her career underway, got married and they had bought their first house and saved up for when she was on maternity leave with little earnings, all before getting pregnant. They both earn decent salaries but they still found it hard both financially to cover costs when dd was on maternity leave and emotionally when she had to put child in daycare and go back to work when he was 1 year old. They also had a bit of financial help from both us and dh parents. I would think your dd would need to work and save up at least £4-5k before thinking of having a baby. Has she costed out how much a baby actually cost every year of its life?

In terms of fertility there is no material difference between TTC at 19 vs 23. Can understand lots of people wouldn't want to wait until they were 33 like I was but a year out of high school & living with your bf's parents is surely not ideal by anyone's barometer.

It's not about owning your own home and having a huge cushion of savings, it's about having a skerrit of financial independence from your partner/his parents/your parents - which it appears the OP's DD doesn't have.

The OP isn't "should I support my pregnant 19 year old DD", it's "my 19 year old wants a baby, should I share my reservations about this plan with her" - to which some posters are saying no. WTF

Exactly. Why is it some kind of binary choice between being 19 vs waiting until you are 36?

A sensible choice would be for both of them to get engaged and then concentrate on budgeting, doing extra jobs, not going out in the evening or doing holidays for several years so that they can save up a certain amount of money before marrying and doing this in a few years' time at 23 or 24 or whatever. (And if the above mentioned lifestyle sounds boring, well, it's pretty much what they'll face once they've become parents---it's good preparation!)

"Ambition is the best contraception"

I'm most blown away by posters who say "well, my mum was 18 and I was 18 so if my dc was 18, so what. We did ok" Paraphrasing of course.

Having babies so young means you have a very limited scope of anything really, for the most part. Let's exclude the "oh I had a baby at 16, travelled the world, had a bazillion promotions and a property portfolio" posters because that is pretty rare.
At 19, whether you admit it or not, you have not lived. You never took the opportunity to expand beyond your own little bubble. Just tied yourself down to a (more than likely) very limited life in terms of opportunities for growth and adventure.
Sure, having babies as babies might have been "the best thing EVAH" but how would you know any different? Honestly.
I'd much rather raise children who are fearless and adventurous and want MORE than a life of never reaching for more than settling with babies.

A relative, formerly wild child, married at 17, pregnant. Four kids, grandkids, etc. They’re still blissfully happy. I married at 30, baby at 31. Now divorced and unhappy. The age isn’t necessarily the key, more finding the right person and the right you.

My dd worked as lifeguard at daycamp. She was often pulled onto baby ward and taught littles swimming. Now she HATES children! Determined to get graduate degree and only have dogs.

Remind her that babies grow into teenagers. Teens think their parents are idiots.

Having teens makes me and my friends wonder why we wanted babies!. (We truly love dc but its HARD! Having teens who are, well, normal teens....how'd we miss the fact our dc would be us as teens? Or worse like dh!!) But maybe that last paragraph is just me venting?

Best of luck from one mother of 19 yo to another. (My hair is falling out due to stress)

That's funny, Abbylee - my DCs all did a lot of babysitting in their teens.
I have no grandchildren yet.

Get her to work in a nursery for a year as preparation for parenthood and you might find she'll change her mind pronto! I baby sat a lot as a teen and come from a large family so was absolutely determined to delay parenthood.

Well I had three children by the age of eighteen so I can't say much... I had my 7th at age 28. My youngest is ten so in about 6 years the holidays will begin and I'll have just entered my forties.
I also have a grandson now from my 20 year old daughter.

I'm most blown away by posters who say "well, my mum was 18 and I was 18 so if my dc was 18, so what. We did ok

Me too. It's just seems so sad to want nothing in life. It doesn't have to be travel, it can be anything. Young adulthood should be about finding yourself, having fun, falling madly in love over and over before settling down.

Maybe the pattern repeats because there's no other life the children have seen, they just think you leave school, have a baby and then you don't need to work.

Boxsets who are you to say that mothers in their teens don’t/will never work?
I had dc in my 20s (which seems like an insane choice to many on mumsnet ‘twenties are for travelling and finding yourself’)and have always worked.
My parents had me in their late 20s, now have a wonderful life together enjoyed having dc young and now doing things they want to do, and best of all they are very fit and very actively involved with all the grandchildren. This just wouldn’t be the same if they’d had me at nearly 40 then I had a baby at nearly 40, they couldn’t be as hands on for as long. They have always worked btw..... still do.

I could say what’s this pattern on mumsnet to leave having dc for as long as possible, then risk all of the associated risks and fertility problems. I wonder how women facing infertility wish they had factored in childbearing sooner.

I wouldn’t encourage my child to think about a baby at 19, but planning ttc 23-24 onwards if they have a house and job, married/soon to be married and good relationship, fine.

This obsession aswell that the relationship will fail because they are young, how many people break up in their 30s and 40s after dc? Many.

I will never regret having children in my 20s. At least it isn’t exhausting (as tiring as it would be for an older parent). And hopefully I will have grandchildren when I’m the same age as my parents.

*I was married at 19, had my DS at 19. It's been a breeze, I've no regrets.

I have a fairly good job, DH has a very good job (although he's admittedly 6 years older).

I don't understand this obsession with owning your own home and huge savings. Yes, a cushion to fall back on is very nice but a lot of people far older will never have these things confused*

Exactly ChipperChapper - there seems to be a tendency to romanticise both how perfect waiting until a certain age to have children is, and how dreadful it is to have them before that magic age. It's much more realistic to be pragmatic about your particular circumstances. I don't lament the fact that I don't own a house - well no, okay, private rent is not perfect, but I don't pin the reason for not owning a house on having kids. We're part of Generation Rent, nobody get get a bloody house these days. There are upsides and downsides to everything, so people who go on about how much of a "waste of life" it is, I just don't understand that - just because you and 19 year old you would not be happy with being a parent, doesn't mean everyone feels that way.

I won't justify my personal circumstances by saying I don't regret this or that, because I don't expect other people to. I don't expect a woman who had kids at 40 to say "Oh, I wish I had them younger, I don't have much energy and my retirement years will be filled with teenagers". Because these, while real obstacles and pros/cons, will suit different individuals, differently.

It's still valid to discourage people in unstable situations to have children willy nilly, you need to be able to support them in all the ways they need to be supported. And no, not all women of every age will be in that position, but some will be, so it's not really for anyone else to project their own life experience or beliefs onto someone else's situation.

Sure, having babies as babies might have been "the best thing EVAH" but how would you know any different? Honestly
I'd much rather raise children who are fearless and adventurous and want MORE than a life of never reaching for more than settling with babies

Ahh, can't be sensible and put views across without being sensible or offensive.

"Best thing EVAH"?!

Just rude. I understand you thinking there's more to life than babies whilst so young, but come on now

Silver Has put it across very well

I agree that the age in itself is fine but OP's DD doesn't seem to have the stability there.

OP, I think you should just ask your daughter why she doesn't want to live independently (with her DP), at least, before TTC

I think marriage is even more sensible but I know it isn't for everyone for whatever reasons they personally choose. Fine, just make sure there is some sort of safety net there to bring DC into

As for the PPs and their stereotypes, I'm off to dress my DS in Boden, light a Jo Malone candle and call my boss to keep in contact, as I'm one of those who saved so they could take the full year off

I had my first at 15 ( not planned, found out when I was 6 months) it is hard work! But 13 years on still with babies dad married with 2more and very very happy so it’s not nice to say young mums can’t offer anything!! We got through it with support as much as our parents didnt agree they loved us and wanted to help . I would just have a chat with her see how she is feeling and what she actually wants. I will always be open and honest with my DDs try and encourage the best thing but at the end of the day they are their own people and if you go one way with that frame of mind she might very well go the opposite. Hope it works out ok OP

Why do people not realise you can still travel and see the world with children? My husband is a self employed IT contractor so can go to job to job, I am currently pregnant with dc2 at 22 and we have a ds who we had when we had just turned 19. We have planned a year trip around the world for 2019/2020- paid for by ourselves- we will be renting our house out while we are gone, and home schooling ds. Our lives aren't on hold whatsoever, they are so much better now we have children to share our lives and experiences with.
Without wanting to sound like a pig, we live better lives than most 'older parents'- my ds is 2 (3 in June) and has been on 3 UK holidays, and we are going on our 2nd all inclusive holiday abroad next week- we have never missed out on anything. Like I said the first year (well 9/10 months) we lived off my partners wage and tax credits until he had his 'big break' and is now earning £180 a day, soon to rise to £220 a day while I run a small business from home but do not earn as much as him. We have got where we are from hard working and the will to better ourselves for our child, and to prove judgemental old people wrong. So young parents have just as much to offer their children as older parents do!

catattack couldn’t of said it better

My sister's had their first at 21. I've had mine at 34. They are now investing in their careers with their children at university or end of secondary school. I have two primary age school children in my forties. It was a hit on my career. But I've did have a lot freedom and travel, etc when I was younger. I envy their freedom now though. So the advantages to have children young as long you have some stability. They were both married by the way.