To discourage Dd from having a baby

[sandsandthesea]

She is 19 and wants to start a family. Aibu to be honest with her? She’s been with her dp since they were 16.

Thinking about it even my own two grandmothers didn't have kids that young and got educated/careers first. So damn right I would "discourage" any daughter of mine having a baby that young. If they went ahead and did anyway I would have to suck it up wouldn't I but don't expect me to be pleased or to do anything other than strongly put forward my view (and most other educated adults lets be honest) that they wait. Yes it works out for some people but that is not an easy road.

As I’ve said in an earlier post I had my first child at 22, just, I turned 22 a week before he was born.

For the first few years I didn’t feel I was missing out on much, I was too busy juggling life with a baby but now, 12 years and another 2 children later hell yeah do I regret not having had my chance at life.

Yes I can do all those things when they have left home but they’ll still be my babies and I’ll still worry about them. I could never go away without thinking of them and what if they needed me, unlike when you’re in your twenties and child free. If they called desperately needing me I’d always move heaven and earth to get to them.

I’ve been a good parent as far as I know
I’ve ticked all the boxes as far as own our house, our own business, children are doing well at school, they work hard, they have all found something in life they love such as music, gymnastics, football etc. I’ve given them every opportunity I can to explore and experience what’s on offer.

But I now longingly think I could have taken off an toured another country for 3 months, or spent my weekend in bed instead of the football pitch had I waited to have children.
I don’t grudge a second of my time spent with the children as I love them so much and my parents gave me every opportunity and supported anything I wanted to do so I want to do the same.

However my mum had me when she was 34 so she spent 18 years of her adult focusing on herself before me. My mum has been amazing and loves her grandchildren beyond measure and has never said she’s thinks it was wrong for me to have had them early but I know she feels sad that I never got time for me.

@KERALA1

Personally I would be devastated that my dd would be missing out on precious years of living her own life, in that carefree way that frankly you never get once you have children as you rightly always have to put them first. Not necessarily the cliche of travel and drinking, but studying. Living in new cities, meeting new people, learning who you are. All sacrificed for drudge and baby groups. I would weep. But that's my personal opinion.

I agree with this. It's not about saying teens would make shit parents, it's about wanting what is best for them, and encouraging them to not make such a massive-life changing decision. I also would be upset if one of mine said they wanted a baby at 18 or 19.

@ohmydayslove

Spot on totally agree.

I have raised my dds to want more. As you say not drinking and partying as they don’t really but one is currently back packing around Oz and the other st uni. Both want degrees and to have careers, to have hobbies and be able to work abroad or just plan a holiday or go to festivals.

You have a child and quite rightly the child comes first. I don’t want that for my girls yet. I want them to breath free for a good few years yet.

Exactly. There is so much more to life, and as someone said earlier, it's crazy to say 'let's get kids out of the way, so I can still be young when I get my freedom back!' because you can have them at a much more sensible age of 25, and STILL be young when you get your 'freedom' back!

I agree Juells but others seem to think a 19/20 year old is incapable of being a good parent.

I don't think that's what most people are saying. Most people are (quite rightly) horrified at the thought of their teenage girl choosing to have a baby, when there is so much more they can do with their lives.

I don't want to repeat what many people have said too much, but despite some posters on here saying they (or someone they know!) had babies in their teens and then retrained and then went on to have a fantastic career paying £40-50K, the fact is that the vast majority of girls who have babies in their teens will not have this future.

Their future is more likely to be a life marred with lack of opportunities and obstacles, and yes, they are more likely to end up with little formal education, and in a minimum pay job with very little prospects. Whilst the father of the child carries on his life (and career,) as if he has never had children.

@Koleshi123

A good piece of advice here to the young woman might be, do NOT do anything until the guy has married you. Firstly, this will provide the girl with legal protection if she is planning to do something like complete a degree or vocational training in order to establish a long-term employment plan for herself (and I strongly suggest that she does just that, unless she already has a proper, full-term, long-term job right now)

This. No way would I ever be having a baby with a man I wasn't married to. If he can't make the commitment of marriage, then he doesn't get to have a child with me.

@Juells

This is more about the daughter and her prospects than about the possible child. A lot of options become closed off, or much more difficult, if you have a child. I was in adult education, and the vast majority of those on my course were women in their forties and fifties who'd had children as soon as they left school, and were then into a cycle of work and childcare and trying to get back on their feet so they could do something for themselves. It's easy to undervalue and throw away your freedom when you're nineteen, then regret it for the next twenty years.

Agree with this 100%.

Like a number of others on here, I am not bashing young mothers, (despite being accused of it,) and know that some can be good mums, but I am shocked by the amount of people saying it's not that bad an idea to have a baby at 17-19 y.o..

I have to honest here, I have known about 15 teen mums over the past 25-30 years, (2 in my extended family, and the rest are ex-classmates of me and my adult children, and children of acquaintances.) All but about half a dozen of them simply couldn't, and didn't cope. Their mother had to step in and help, and do stuff ranging from cleaning and tidying the house for them, to making meals for the family, to looking after the child(ren) half the time. The young teen mums didn't know how to do basic meals, they had no basic housekeeping skills, they have no tolerance with the baby, and they just wanted to go out clubbing and partying.

That is NOT an attack on them, because they were acting like a teenager should be acting, and attempting to live out a life that a teenager should be living. You should not be responsible for a baby/toddler whilst still in your teens. As many people have said, these are the days to be carefree, have fun, backpack around Eastern Europe, go to uni, get so drunk that you're sick through your nose, and sleep in til 3pm on a Sunday after not getting in til 5am.

They should not be a time when you are wiping shitty bums, changing nappies, waking through the night, and making such a life-changing commitment. Basically, by having a baby in your teens, you are committing yourself to a life of drudgery. (Despite the flurry of rosy, tales you hear from some, where these young teen mums went on to have amazing, fulfilled lives, with a degree, and a fantastic high-flying career.)

And no-one's posts are 'nasty' or 'shocking,' as a few people have said. People are just posting their views and opinions and being honest about how they would feel about their teen daughter getting knocked up. And they are, quite rightly, horrified at the thought of it. As are many of their daughters, thankfully.

I am done on this thread now, as I have said all I need to say, and am not being accused of being 'nasty' or 'horrible' or 'judgemental,' purely because I am posting my honest, and very valid views.

I can't believe that the Q "shall I discourage my daughter from having a child at 19 with her teenage boyfriend when they live with his parents" is even a topic for AIBU.

Of course you should.

Not saying that many teenage mothers don't do a bloody good job, of course they do, but why would you actively encourage your daughter to make that choice? Madness

I'm 32 and just thinking back to when I was 19 I am like a different person now. I would definitely discuss it with your daughter!

I had a couple of friends who had children around that age and now at 32 ish they have been quite honest that if they had their time again they might do it differently for a number of reasons.

Yanbu. My DS21 doesn't want one, but if he did, my advice would be to wait, live a little before you have a whole heap of responsibility, there is no rush at all.

Having become pregnant at 18 and having a baby at 19 I think a lot of the posts on this thread are disgusting. I'm a good mother, have a house (rented but well on the way to having enough money for a deposit) which I did not have before, I lived with my Mum. My partner has a stable full time job and makes a good wage, my baby is loved and happy. You don't know what a person has gone through or what they can teach a child just from their age. I know a lot of 30+ mothers who have struggled a lot more than me, financially and emotionally. I love my life but of course you should tell her the realities of having a child, tell her she will need a job and a roof over her head, tell her her life will never be the same and that she won't even be able to pop to the loo by herself, tell her her relationship will completely change and that this baby will one day be a stroppy 15 year old but don't assume she'd be a bad mother because of her age. How ignorant.

I certainly wouldnt assume that someone that is 19 having a baby is a bad mother. I had 3 children under 5 when i was just 21! I think i did the best job i could do[ my husband and I] and i loved and nurtured all three of them until they were young adults. They are now 30[twins] and 28!!!

...but at the same time, i would discourage my dd to make that choice as i felt i had missed out on my youth to a certain extent.

I don't think anyone is saying having a baby early means you are a bad mother etc. I am sure there are some wonderful young mothers. I just really really do not understand the rush.

@ashbah1980 HAHAHA, you're funny. Stop her going out? She's an adult. She can do what the hell she likes.

OP; if she didn't ask for your advice, she doesn't live with you, she's an adult, she works. How is this any of your business? Good for her, I hope she pursues this and has the baby she wants. Having a baby young is a good idea (obviously as long as you can support the baby).

Also, can I just say the whole "wait until marriage" this is so outdated. What rubbish! I am engaged (been with DF for 10 years and in no rush to get married) and pregnant with our first. I'll be 28 when we have this baby but I'd happily have done it sooner if that's what he'd wanted. Marriage is not a pre-requisite for having a family.

Its not outdated if you are a SAHM without a private income. You'd be mad to have kids without being married in those circs.

Also, can I just say the whole "wait until marriage" this is so outdated.

Oh God, here we go again.

It's fine not to be married if both parties work full time, no career breaks, no mat leave, their own pensions and savings and separate finances, both owners of the property and arrangements made so that both parties will be able to split the assets fairly in the case of a split. Sadly, this applies to very few long-term cohabiting couples with kids.

It's dangerous to be unmarried with a child if the woman (it's usually the woman) either stops working or allows her career to dwindle to second-earner status while providing extra domestic support at home. If the two people separate or if the bloke dies, she can be left in a financially perilous position.

And it's also about commitment. Like I said, setting a 19yo boy an ultimatummarriage or nothing elsewill quickly give a young girl a pretty clear idea of how serious this boy actually is. Does he really, really see himself as being in this for the long haul, or is he just hanging around until something tastier comes along?

Re marriage point - it's only really necessary if you are going to be a sahm mom and your partner is quite well off or owns their own home (and you don't). Otherwise I'd say it's completely irrelevant.

I don't agree, because I think that it's a good idea to get clear evidence of commitment from the other person before having a child.

(Unless you are a woman with an established source of income who is becoming a single mother by choice, which is fine. Women who do that are going into single parenthood with their eyes open and are not planning to rely financially on anyone.)

Whilst I wouldn’t encourage my daughter to follow in my footsteps, neither would I encourage her to do it in her 30’s. Once she is an adult it is her decision 🤷🏼‍♀️ And she won’t need my encouragement either way. I’d encourage her to consider her circumstances no matter her age and then support her in her decision making.

I wouldn’t have my career if I hadn’t had my DD at 20, that was the catalyst for me changing my career options and pursuing a different direction that I have run with.

There’s pros and cons to having children at any age. No one age is better to do something than the other, so I wasn’t footloose and fancy free in my twenties? I still did cool stuff, went on solo holidays with friends, left the kids with loving grandparents whilst DH and I went away, excelled in my career whilst my peers were taking big chunks of time off for maternity leave and as I hit mid 30’s I’m now at a point where my family is growing up, becoming more independent and I have more freedom and the money behind me to enjoy it. Is that a better way to do it than having kids in my mid 30’s in an already established career? Nope. Just different.

I had my dd at 17. I would strongly discourage my dd from doing the same. I'm hoping that she will see and understand just how hard I've had to work (working nights previously, then FT days and studying at night) to provide for us, and take an easier path. (Not that kids are ever easy before anyone jumps on me)

Shocked at so many of these judgemental comments! My dp and I had our ds at 19. We had both just left college and my dp worked at Tesco, we lived for the first year on tax credits. However we have been incredible parents- so much better than a lot of 'older parents' I know of. My dp now works as a self employed It contractor and earns £180 a day- which will rise to £230 a day later this year. I am now pregnant with number 2- and we own our own house at 22 years old. Not all young parents ditch their children with whoever will have them so they can go out and party- my ds has never slept out because he needs his parents still over night.
I think it's such a shame that so many people think having children young will ruin your life- obviously they don't get much joy from their children, as our ds has hugely improved our lives and was the reason we worked so hard to support ourselves- rather than sponging off our parents and rolling in at stupid o'clock in the morning pissing drunk. I have absolutely no regrets we didn't wait until we were older.
YABU as it's really not your choice whether or not she starts a family.

One thing if a couple stay together, but most don’t and it’s usually the mother left with housing and financial problems, and barriers to WoH and earning a good wage.

Could happen at any age, but is a very high risk in this case when the couple are teens, DD is presumably not a graduate, not on a high wage, not married and relying on DP’s parents for housing.

Are you married cattattack? Do you WoH? Do you have independent financial assets? If not you’ve taken a massive personal financial risk.

BagelGoesWalking
...not having that time in my life when I was independent, making my own choices of where to live, jobs/career etc with no other pressures/consideration has actually had repercussions even now. And regrets.

^^THIS

There are no shortcuts to achieving a solid foundation for yourself. It should be built gradually, and in an orderly fashion.

I worry that some feeling of insecurity or anxiety on the part of the DD is driving her decision-making process.

@Dozer yes we are married- we were married at 21 just before buying our house- I just tend to call him my partner rather than husband! I run a small business from home but he is by far the 'main earner'- but mortgage, bills, etc are all in both of our names.

I’ve been with the same man my entire adult life. Now 5 children and approaching a second decade were happy.
The earliest years, we rented, even moved back home with a baby twice, had a hand onto our first mortgage
But we’ve been happy, my parents have been happy young grandparents and DH and I have had good professional careers (we had the first as students and married as students).
It was in a way reckless, but I wouldn’t change any of it. We have love, kids who’ve been enjoyed, the older ones have done well academically.
I think part the key is our supportive parents.
We’ve now played our part with some of the younger generation, a bit of financial help with nieces etc and our eldest has married very young already but appears very happy.