Today I let my bully bully me for the last time

[FuckoffTwatty]

She has done it for close to 2 years. Not often, because I avoid her. I dropped out of baby groups, and let myself be ostracised from the mums group that gathers after preschool.

Today was the last straw. After I came home, I was really stressed from it, and snapped at one of my children who was pestering me because I was preoccupied and stressed from being bullied again.

Later, I was googling internet articles on how to handle adult bullies, when I sighed with frustration and threw my head back only to bang my head badly on the corner of a cupboard.

I then cried for about an hour as I was so upset that this bully had the power to cause repercussions that hurt me and my family physically and emotionally after the fact.

My bully is a Mumsnetter. Is it you?

Do you snub people and act like you haven’t seen them when you both know you have? Are you extremely rude to them when they are only ever nice to you, but only do that when no-one else is around so that you are never rumbled for what you are? Do you give dirty looks then saunter close by in an effort to intimidate? Are you sarcastic for no other reason that that you take some sort of pleasure from it?

Today was your last go at me. I might be nice and seem non-confrontational, but I see you for what you are, you are a mean-spirited ugly bully, and I am no pushover. I have a more varied life experience and strength of character than you can imagine.

I write this here because I think you will see it. You may wonder if it refers to you or not. Maybe it will make you think twice about being nasty in future.

You could even ask me next time you see me if I am a Mumsnetter too. I wonder if you are brave enough to ask me in front of other people?

You know you have to stand up to her offline for it to have any real effect, right? Just posting anonymously (not using your mn name and hers) will achieve nothing.

Maybe why OP posted this was maybe to get it off her chest...some horrible women about.

I hope those of you berating the OP for letting bullying effect her never go into psychiatry. You would probably tell self-harming people to get a grip.

@Tartanscarf are you being deliberately obtuse?

Given the op is already suffering bullying in real life, I really don't think that this is the thread for you.

Off you pop

Maybe why OP posted this was maybe to get it off her chest...some horrible women about.

But OP specifically says she is posting it so that the "bully" will see it - "I write this here because I think you will see it".

The whole thing is unbelievably childish and passive aggressive.

What a strange thread.

OP .

Can't help but wonder if the people who are troll hunting are actually recognising the bullying behaviour and wondering if it is them and then acting out by troll hunting.

Exhaustedly exactly what I have been wondering

I think it seems to be one of those threads where people aren't allowed to disagree with the op.

Just out of interest, how do you know she is a MNetter? If she is then given how you have described her she will certainly frequent AIBU, this thread has certainly proved that.

But given the many posters on AIBU who sound like people I would never associate with in a million years, I honestly don't think she would recognise herself here.

For this to get better you need a combination of finding a way to ignore this and also calling her out. Next time she says something nasty to you raise one eyebrow and say "ooooh get you!" in a sneary tone of voice of "talk to the hand" or "fuck off bitch" or "oooh, who got out of bed the wrong side?" or something.... Why let someone be mean to you?
As for the rest of it - you do what you want and ignore her. If you want to approach the group of mums in the playground do it. You may need to take a deep breath but don't let her presence stop you. It sounds from your OP that she is unlikely to confront you in front of others anyway. If she does then tell her not to be a cow!

Well, it's good that you've reached your limit, if she's that bad - and crucially, if she's proactive in being off to you. You are allowed to respond to that. Do so, and you might make her a bit wary of you, which would be better than the current situation.

So, next time she gives you a dirty look:

'Ooh your face! Are you ok? Watch the wind doesn't change, haha!'

Next time she ignores you:

'Oh I SEE! It's one of those days is it X? Never mind, we all get them!'

Next time she muscles in and is then rude:

'Hey X can you stop turning your back on me please? If you're gonig to join a group, keep the circle open ay love'

And next time anything catty is said/done when no one else is in earshot:

'Oh bugger off you silly trout!' (She looks shocked - before she can say anything- ) 'Oh don't worry, only joking... or am I?'

Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.

When walking past her. Ignore.

When she butts into your conversation ‘smile politely to the other mum and say ‘excuse me’

If you must chat to her keep it very very brief.

Don’t feed the dragon as they say

I do feel this is just partial rudeness too.

Maybe she does not like you but is threatened by your popularity with the other mums?

I can't help but wonder if the purpose of this thread was to hope the woman sees it and recognises herself, while giving OP plausible deniability if she gets into a real-life confrontation.

I think it seems to be one of those threads where people aren't allowed to disagree with the op.

There's nothing to agree or disagree with here. The op wrote a post in frustration at a bully who she knows to be a Mumsnetter.

Perhaps AIBU isn't the perfect place for it but where would be?

She wants to send a strong message out to her bully. Good on her.

Writing about her experience is obviously very cathartic, and therapeutic for anyone needing a 'release'.

She hasn't identified herself or the bully in anyway shape or form so I fail to see why it can be remotely unreasonable.

Hopefully the supportive posts on here will help give her strength to deal with her face to face.

Perhaps it will help educate some women on here how their words and behaviour can deeply affect others. Its glaringly obvious going by the nasty replies that many are apparently oblivious.

You have no idea how resilient someone is or what people are going through.

Be kind, always.

Excellent post Winningat40!

There’s a woman like this in my youngest child’s year, I hadn’t come across it before with the other three children. She very much picks and chooses who’s cool enough to be her friend. I’m not and she ignores me, even if we pass by each other. There is something nasty about the way she does this - hard to explain - but a definite feeling she thinks she’s superior.

Fortunately I don’t give a monkeys, but I guess if I hadn’t already done this 3 times, and I felt more insecure, it might really get to me. I ignore her back.

Is it possible that you are mildly depressed? And this is magnifying your reaction.

In the first place you can’t change her, can only change yourself. You need to stop giving her this power over yourself. It’s just damaging your life. If you confront her it’s only going to come back to bite you, better to change yourself and act that you feel confident, and be bright and breezy with everyone else. You can’t lose with that approach.

And don’t rely on the school or nurseries for friends, they do not always last anyway.

You have no idea how resilient someone is or what people are going through

Be kind, always

Agreed, there is a lack of empathy towards others who behave in a way that sometimes we cannot understand.

So sorry you're feeling this way OP.
I have witnessed a similar scenario to what you describe at my DD's first school.
As many posters have said the power lies within you to change how you react and perceive the situation. Only you know what you're comfortable with, be that ignoring, killing with kindness or confronting.
Try and apply the strength that you hold in other areas of your life to this. Hopefully you will come away stronger. There is a very empowering quote that I like to look at when I'm feeling less confident about certain situations;

RISE
Don't get angry
or enraged
or insulted.
Rise above the bullshit.
Flick your light back on,
and shine it brighter than ever,
and fall so deeply in love
with your own life
that anyone who tried to wrong you
becomes a laughable, ridiculous
distant, memory.

Sorry don't know who it's by but hopefully it will make you feel better about yourself.

OP isn't sending out a 'strong message' by posting this thread. She's sending out the message that she avoids baby groups and cries for an hour because someone gives her 'dirty looks' in a preschool playground.

If the woman she's talking about read this she'd probably think the OP is ridiculous. As she will if the OP confronts her about her 'bullying'.

There are some very unkind people on this thread.
The thing is OP you have made a start in dealing with this, recognising this behaviour for what it is and raging against it. Deciding that she is not going to be allowed power over you. It's the start of your campaign to not let her get to you.

All this talk of avoiding her is difficult because you can't avoid someone who is at the same school/nursery as you and it does affect your children's ability to make friends, go on playdates etc.

In these circumstances you have to really lower your expectations. We are taught treat others as you would be treated yourself, be nice and people will be nice to you and we expect this to work, but sometimes it just doesn't. It sounds like you have hopefully been nice to her and its been thrown back in your face and this is very hurtful. So lower your expectations of her. She is not going to change, or befriend you. She gets a kick out of this. You wouldn't want this nasty person as a friend anyway. She is not going to accept any olive branches, so don't offer them. You know in advance she's going to be rude, so don't be hurt and surprised by it. Expect it and dismiss it and don't give it any power. There are so many nicer people around, start looking for them, but don't expect immediate friendships to form overnight. Take the emphasis off this and focus on finding things to participate in - the friendships will develop from that. Regonise that it is not your fault. Many of these mums already know each other through older children. There will be someone else there who is new or doesn't have many connections. If the playgroups are harsh. Find new/activity ones.

The best thing you can do is ignore, ignore, ignore. Dont try to make civil conversation if you are alone with her so that she has the opportunity to be rude to you. If she's rude call her out prepare some unanswerable snappy comebacks. eg say That's such an unnecessary comment. I'm just not interested in what you think.
If she cuts you out of a conversation, speak to the person who was there afterwards and ask what they thought. Ask if they know why she does it. You can do this very calmly and factually without bitching, just say it as a marker of this woman's behaviour. It will also give you an indication of whether other people have noticed her behaviour.
Find someone, anyone to talk to on these occasions or if you can't sign your kids up for swimming lessons or anything like that so that they get to socialise and you don't have to be in this woman's company. If you keep busy and keep your children busy it will have a lot less effect on you. Put your earplugs in and listen to some radio comedy or music to try to distract yourself.
She knows she's getting a reaction and that is why she's doing it, so don't give her any thing. Eventually you will have so many avoidance and distraction measures going on, she will have so much less impact on you. Your children will make friends at school and their parents will be keen to encourage these friendships and her attitude won't matter. Very best of luck.