Today I let my bully bully me for the last time

[FuckoffTwatty]

She has done it for close to 2 years. Not often, because I avoid her. I dropped out of baby groups, and let myself be ostracised from the mums group that gathers after preschool.

Today was the last straw. After I came home, I was really stressed from it, and snapped at one of my children who was pestering me because I was preoccupied and stressed from being bullied again.

Later, I was googling internet articles on how to handle adult bullies, when I sighed with frustration and threw my head back only to bang my head badly on the corner of a cupboard.

I then cried for about an hour as I was so upset that this bully had the power to cause repercussions that hurt me and my family physically and emotionally after the fact.

My bully is a Mumsnetter. Is it you?

Do you snub people and act like you haven’t seen them when you both know you have? Are you extremely rude to them when they are only ever nice to you, but only do that when no-one else is around so that you are never rumbled for what you are? Do you give dirty looks then saunter close by in an effort to intimidate? Are you sarcastic for no other reason that that you take some sort of pleasure from it?

Today was your last go at me. I might be nice and seem non-confrontational, but I see you for what you are, you are a mean-spirited ugly bully, and I am no pushover. I have a more varied life experience and strength of character than you can imagine.

I write this here because I think you will see it. You may wonder if it refers to you or not. Maybe it will make you think twice about being nasty in future.

You could even ask me next time you see me if I am a Mumsnetter too. I wonder if you are brave enough to ask me in front of other people?

Ostracising can be a form of bullying in a situation where the person has to be in that situation and can't escape like in the workplace.

Not in a preschool playground when the people involved aren't the preschoolers.

And hitting your head wasn't a direct consequence/fault anymore than jumping up and hitting your head while watching a football match would be the fault of the goal scorer.

I can't get my head round your descriptions of this person. Can you give an example of an interaction, or obnoxious comment? I know you maybe don't want to go into detail but paraphrase if necessary.

Generally speaking, you don't have to let her bother you.

I taught my dcs early on that if someone is trying to bully you it's their problem, not yours. You need to don't give any weight to their opinions of you. They are probably suffering in their own lives and somehow feel better by trying to make others seem worse than them. They try it on everyone and repeat on those who react. People who ignore, or react neutrally are left alone.

You say you're not a pushover but rather than just ignore this woman, or talk to her about it you're hoping she will see a post and recognise herself on a forum with 12 million users. If you're that bothered, woman up and talk to her about it.

She didnt bang your head by the way, you did. Then you overreacted because of stress. Understandable perhaps, but you need to find a coping mechanism.

OP

It sounds like you are using this thread to reach this woman in some way. As kindly as possible, it’s unlikely that she will read it, and even less likely that she will recognise herself if she does.

Writing a letter to a bully, that will never be sent, is sometimes used in counselling. It can be a useful channel for some people to set out their thoughts and feelings. And If that’s what you want from this thread, to help you change how you react to the woman that’s great.

But do you honestly think bullying woman is going to change because you post on MN?

She did not make you bang your head. You let yourself be upset and angry by her behaviour. She is under your skin, but it's your skin, your responsibility.

You need to dissociate mentally ( voice of experiance) one suggestion , next time you feel yourself getting wound up, try and work out what the best MN response would be. " did you mean to be so rude" , " that's nice"

.or start to plan your next shopping list. Don't say anything just focus internally.

Or check your nails. It's a much more worthwhile activity than paying a bully any notice

. Unfocus your eyes, take yourself away for a moment.

Think a few people are recognising themselves in this thread!

pigmcpigface: I'm sorry, but this isn't true. Banging your head was a direct consequence of your reaction to her bullying.

Thank you, yes, you are quite correct. It is an important distinction. But I don’t want to let the head bang thing get out of context, it was just really painful.

Tartan Is that you Twatty? You sound just like her.

Don't let her know she's got to you. She's not worth your time.

I don't know if this would help you at all OP , but years ago I was in a similar situation but in a work environment . The woman in question did very similar things and at the tender age of 19 I really took it to heart , would cry at home about it . My boyfriend at the time got me to write a list about all the things I didn't like about her , it wasn't my most mature work by a long shot but what it did do was stop me concentrating on how she made me feel. I also realised that I wouldn't want to be her friend if you paid me. A few examples that I can remember ....

1. She is mean and a bitch.

1. She is racist and homophobic

1. She eats like a pig and snorts snot

1. She has gigantic ear blackheads

I will admit that the list descended into a complete bitch fest, I burnt it later due to guilt , writing it though was really cathartic and when she tried any of her nonsense after that I would just smile at her remembering the things I had written. She stopped doing it.
I still do it mentally now, if someone tries to pull a similar stunt , I start writing a list and its difficult to do and not smile

She is insidious, obnoxious, and I have given her no reason to be. Of course I speak to and have friendships with other people, but unfortunately this woman-child is sometmes unavoidable.

I’m not sure how much of this is bullying and how much is your own issues. The undertone I get is that you’ve never had anyone actively dislike you before, so you’re completely overcompensating to the situation.

Giving you ‘looks’ and not interacting with you isn’t bullying though, and you haven’t given any examples of how she’s rude in a one on one situation. If you both dislike each other, how do you even find yourself in a situation alone with her in the first place?

You don’t have to engage with her, but that doesn’t mean you have to obviously ignore her either. One of you needs to put a stop to your childish attitudes towards each other, might as well be you.

Tartan Is that you Twatty? You sound just like her.

Ah, knew someone who didn’t agree with you would eventually get this like. You’re starting to read like a sulky, petulant child.

Gosh, I have quite a sarcastic sense of humour.

I'm also prone to looking a bit glum and have to make a big effort to smile.

And have a poor memory (menopausal brain!) for names and faces if I see people out of context.

Pretty sure I'm not a bully though.

Are you sure, OP, that this person's actions are specifically deliberately directed at you and not just the way she is with lots of people?

I knew this thread would start to go down the rabbit hole of gaslighting at some point.

It's the internet, folks. We have no empirical way of telling whether the OP is a bit paranoid, or whether there's bullying happening. There's no evidence for being cynical, any more than there is evidence for total belief. Judging by her post, however, she seems genuinely upset and it does sound as though she strongly feels that this person has gone out of their way to be directly nasty when no-one else was looking. I'm going to assume that she is telling the truth and that there is a horrible person at the heart of this, and that if her actions are a bit sensitive to it, then maybe some support and advice about growing a thicker skin is needed. Not denial and/or minimization of just how horrible it is to be on the end of adult bullying. Because while this isn't the playground, it's still hurtful behaviour.

I understand OP. I have been bullied as an adult and it has deeply affected me. I still can’t go to places where she is, I just can’t. Even though I have - if anyone were to put it in these terms - “won” (all the other mums see her for what she is) and can totally hold my head high. But I still can’t go anywhere near her. I have cried a lot, I still think about it frequently. It doesn’t affect my daily life anymore really as we have a full life with heaps of friends (unlike her, she has lost everyone through her behaviour). So avoiding the odd thing makes no difference. But I do hate that I let her get to me still. And I understand why you do. Not giving her headspace is much easier said than done for some of us.

I’m not sure the thread was a good plan though. Can you start being more forward with the nicer people in the group - arrange meet ups privately that don’t happen to include her?

One of you needs to put a stop to your childish attitudes towards each other, might as well be you.

I have never been, nor would be childish towards her. I have been nothing but nice. I have even helped her out on a couple of occasions. Perhaps she resents that, I don’t know.

Extinct You do not sound at all like a bully to me. I also have a pretty sarcastic sense of humour, and am a fairly robust person generally. Her behaviour is quite beyond sarcastic humour and is very clearly directed at me. There is no mistaking it. She does the same to another person.

She sounds rude and not particularly nice, but bully?? It's how she interacts with a lot of people, not just you. Why not just ignore her instead of feeling victimised, because it really doesn't sound like you are.

Just want to say OP that I totally understand how your bully's behaviour is bullying to you. I have experienced this indirect form of bullying before and it can really affect you.

I am sorry that some of the other PPs do not seem to understand or appreciate how much this form of bullying can get to you. It is intimidating when a bully behaves like that and it makes you feel on edge and unsure of yourself and your surroundings. I can only assume that those PPs have either not experienced for themselves what it feels like to have a sly bully like that or perhaps they are much thicker skinned.

There was a girl at university who used to treat me like how you are describing. She tripped herself up though when she walked into the kitchen and assumed it was only us two in there and just started laying into me heavy with verbal attacks. Another housemate was in the kitchen just round the corner out of site though and he stepped in after he heard enough of her torrent. She didn't talk to me like that again. Unfortunately I do not think that situation will happen for you.

But all I can say is Wolfie has got the right attitude about how, although it isn't you and it is her causing this, only you can change what is happening. I received bullying from someone else during highschool and into early twenties, it even went into social media bullying (again subtle though so no one else would realise). I overcame it by just ignoring her and accepting that I am happy with me and my life, she doesn't have to be and she doesn't get a say on me or my life. If social etiquette requires me to be polite to her I shall be but I will no longer go out of my way to say hello to her or respond to her mean comments. It required a complete mental attitude towards her and the situation to just not let her behaviour affect me.

Once I read this phrase: If you had £24 on you and a thief came up and robbed you of £1 would you then throw away the remaining £23? No? Then why then, would you throw away 23 hours by giving someone head space after they take 1 hour of your time? - this was written a lot more eloquently but I hope my crude attempt to recall what I read makes sense and helps you.

I have never been, nor would be childish towards her. I have been nothing but nice. I have even helped her out on a couple of occasions. Perhaps she resents that, I don’t know.

Your first sentence is voided by this very thread’s existence.

The second part again suggests that you just want her to like you, why would you help somebody who’s always ‘bullied’ you?

As for her possibly ‘resenting’ you, why would that be? It sounds like you think she’s jealous of you.

Thank you Twittle this is exactly it it makes you feel on edge and unsure of yourself and your surroundings.

I agree Wolfie makes some excellent points, and so do a good number of others, I just can’t respond to them all.

No Edmund, I don’t believe this thread is childish, but you are entitled to your view. And if you feel it’s childish, then you are of course free to go and read something else.

Hi all,
We have made some deletions on the thread. Can we remind you that trollhunting is still very much against our guidelines. If you have concerns, please report and we will take a look.

It's pretty shocking that a poster can come on here to part vent and part explain a situation that is clearly bugging the living bezeezus out of her in the hope of getting some support, a friendly ear and possibly some coping strategies that she hasn't thought of yet (despite being obviously a nice person ) and she is getting further bullied by other posters.
Yes OP is responsible for her reaction to being treated badly of course and she realises that but bullying is real and causes so much anguish and yet it is continuing on this thread. Point out stuff of course but why be so nasty and continuing the hate? OP is coping it would seem from her responses but a lot of people don't. Kicking people when they are down is the fucking pits. If you haven't been on the receiving end, good for you but it's a particular type of hell and needs careful handling. Not everyone is prepared to walk up to the bully and bellow, "Who stuck a wasp up your ass?" lest they look like the aggressor. Some behaviour is designed to engineer just this type of turn it back on you crap. Support the OP here.