Today I let my bully bully me for the last time

[FuckoffTwatty]

She has done it for close to 2 years. Not often, because I avoid her. I dropped out of baby groups, and let myself be ostracised from the mums group that gathers after preschool.

Today was the last straw. After I came home, I was really stressed from it, and snapped at one of my children who was pestering me because I was preoccupied and stressed from being bullied again.

Later, I was googling internet articles on how to handle adult bullies, when I sighed with frustration and threw my head back only to bang my head badly on the corner of a cupboard.

I then cried for about an hour as I was so upset that this bully had the power to cause repercussions that hurt me and my family physically and emotionally after the fact.

My bully is a Mumsnetter. Is it you?

Do you snub people and act like you haven’t seen them when you both know you have? Are you extremely rude to them when they are only ever nice to you, but only do that when no-one else is around so that you are never rumbled for what you are? Do you give dirty looks then saunter close by in an effort to intimidate? Are you sarcastic for no other reason that that you take some sort of pleasure from it?

Today was your last go at me. I might be nice and seem non-confrontational, but I see you for what you are, you are a mean-spirited ugly bully, and I am no pushover. I have a more varied life experience and strength of character than you can imagine.

I write this here because I think you will see it. You may wonder if it refers to you or not. Maybe it will make you think twice about being nasty in future.

You could even ask me next time you see me if I am a Mumsnetter too. I wonder if you are brave enough to ask me in front of other people?

ohmydays you may not be the bully, but you certainly seem like one to me.

I definitely know someone like this OP. I've stopped saying hello to her at the school pickup, I will still go to groups but will make an effort with everyone there except her. Weird thing is she's so sweetly spoken and babysits a lot of other children but she is a total cowbag to me for no reason. You can't fight passive aggressive with anything other than passive aggressive sadly as otherwise you come off looking like the bad guy.
Like you say, you've had life experiences outside all this, varied, interesting ones, you're not normally a shy person. Hold onto that persona, that version of yourself when you're near her. Project that confidence outwards and act as if she isn't there/is a minor, fly-like annoyance. She's small and petty and her problem with you is her problem.

How do the other mums in the "main group" behave? Are they friends of her's, do they also give intimidating looks? I'm sure you've probably tried everything but do you think that you might be able to give turning up another go? Now that youve decided she is not going to intimidate you anymore ( Sunglasses are great, BTW, for shielding you from initimdating looks) What about the people who run the groups, could you go early and ask them to "introduce" you to some of the nicer mums? I'm betting you are not the only person she does this to and you may find some allies there. All you need are one or two people to speak to and she will lose her impact.

How dramatic.
Sounds like this mum doesn't like you. She doesn't have to. I'd hardly call some dirty looks and sarcasm bullying.
If she only does it when noone is around, don't be in that situation. No reason you can't approach a group of mums if she doesn't do whatever it is she's doing to you in front of other people.

Wouldn't mind your MN 'bully' to share her side of this

When I pick up my granddaughter from school there must be 50 to 100 parents in the playground. If I was in your situation I could go up and talk to any of them or just stand by myself. I'm only there for a few minutes anyway, it's not the highlight of my social engagements. Your 'bully' can't be in every group of people idly chatting at the same time. The same at play groups, people sit in small cliques because they know each other; there's always someone on their own or talking to the helpers. Why would it stop you going anywhere and your children missing out? Your 'bully' doesn't control the world, I don't really understand the problem, you are letting yourself feel uncomfortable. Are your children not getting invited to parties or being ostracised by other children? At functions, they won't notice whether you talk to other mums or not and would probably be glad to have your full attention rather than see you just chatting and ignoring them like I've noticed some parents do or, even, worse, be immersed in a phone screen .

I think I must be missing something. I don't understand how you know she posts on here.

I was bullied at work and, having been through it myself, I'm quite shocked at some of the comments on here. The last thing a person who is being bullied needs to hear is the suggestion that it's their "own fault" because they've not "stood up" to the bully - as if they're somehow responsible for the bully's behaviour, and the bully can't be expected to just behave decently of her own accord. As a previous poster pointed out, most adult bullies aren't of the give me your dinner money type. They're manipulative and cunning. I had lies told about me, things I had done twisted to make them seem nasty when they were utterly benign, and my confidence undermined, but every time I tried to tackle her, she would twist things again so that I was in the wrong.
Thank you to the posters on here who have been positive and supportive, I'm still dealing with what happened to me and it helped x

Ear phones in. Faraway look. Toe tapping a long with the music. Humming with eyes shut. Don't even look in her direction. Take away her fodder.

@Ohmydayslove

Op I reported your post as I thought it was quite frankly bollocks and can’t be arsed to suddenly arrive your ‘bully’ recognise herself and reply as Its just silly but it it’s not and not deleted them my apologies and best wishes.

First of all - I've reported you for troll hunting.

You can know someone is a MNer without knowing their username.

Your posts to OP have been bullying and nasty. Just because you've been here a few years doesn't mean you can troll hunt.

And your comment about bitchy cows is laughable because it's not OP who is the bitchy cow here.

Op sorry you are being bullied.

Sadly if the bully does read your post, they will be delighted to see their behaviour has had an effect on you. They will love the knowledge they made you cry for an hour.

Moving forward you must not show any emotion. Never let this person know you are bothered.

Don't react, that's what they want.

The OP's first post reads to me like someone who is suffering badly from anxiety and depression and should go and talk to her GP as soon as possible.

Good for you op, don't take her shitty behaviour any more. You don't deserve it and it is so wrong that it's chased you away from playgroups.

Good luck and stand your ground.

How is 'sauntering' by an effort to intimidate? You do know what intimate means?

I think you need to think before doing anything as you're in danger of making yourself look daft or worse.

Crying for an hour and avoiding taking your children to certain places is not a usual reaction to someone appearing to be rude or sarcastic. Especially in an adult who says they haven't been bullied before.

Some of the replies on here are frankly ridiculous and I wonder if those posters are bullies in real life. If this was a child being bullied would you come out with the same shite?

I cannot believe people are reporting this. The OP has an opinion on how she’s being treated and TBH that’s pretty much every other post on MN.
The OP doesn’t know the username so there’s no calling anyone out. This is just a post about her experience. So take a break you “reporters”.
OP, there are so many mums and women out there like this. You cannot take it personally. Honestly, the school gates are typically pretty catty places. You are not the only one this happens too. Just don’t think about it. Be “you” and find friends elsewhere. These people are not worth your crying time. Move on and enjoy your life without the silly, catty women.

From some of the responses here I would say OP’s bully is quite likely to be a mumsnetter....

Sorry you’re going through this OP.

It's not a child being bullied though is it?

And there isn't a huge amount of evidence of 'bullying' (you'd struggle to put this into a bullying definition). Just someone who doesn't seem to like the other and is rude or sarcastic. Not in a classroom. Or a workplace where you have to spend hours a day and there are power imbalances. But in a preschool playground when adults just want to pick up their children.

So yes, I think OP will look really daft if she confronts this woman and accuses her of bullying.

For anyone out there who may be reading, there's and excellent book on assertiveness called "A Woman in Your Own Right: Assertiveness and You"

yorkshireyummymummy Great parody I love it. It needs to be performed on YouTube and shared!

@WellAndTrulyCurbed and @Ohmydayslove
Hhhmmmm...... bit of guilt there? You both sound like you have bullying behaviours from your posts !

OP whomever your bully is, you're right, time to take control and give a little back - bullies are cowards
Really or perhaps just sociopaths but either way just put your barriers up - good for you calling them out -

Your bully is doing you a favour, groups of mums at the school gates do not always make the best friends. Personally I would start to develop lots of friends outside of school so that you can avoid the politics. Book clubs, pilates, children's groups are good ways to get to know others.

Carefully choose a few of the kinder parents at school that do not appear to be involved in any groups to meet for coffee and friendship, if you are keen to have some friends in school. Remember your children are there to learn, it is not a social club.

And then sit back and wait until one by one everyone else recognises her for what she is and they ditch her. You do not need to engage ever with this woman, look through and her enjoy your day. Don't avoid things with your children, just arrive prepared and composed. Take a book or your phone so you can busy yourself if you need to.

This type of insecure women exists in every single school, most people apart a few of her cronies, recognise it and steer well clear. You should do the same.

Watch big little liar! It will make you feel better

I'm afraid I agree with other posters. You are giving this woman way too much headspace. She's ignored you, given you a few dirty looks and been sarcastic and you cry for an hour and you say it is impacting your children. You say you have not being bullied before but surely you must have come across some moody mare, who thinks she is all that and blows hot and cold.

You don't like her and she doesn't like you. Ignore her, blank her. Don't say hello. Book closed. Walk over to the main group if you want to with a general 'morning'. Baby toddler groups are the easiest place in the world to dodge someone - you can cut someone off mid sentence with opps got to go, baby needs the loo, just need to take a photo of baby doing XYZ.

You are not in her thoughts for a fraction of the time she is in yours. You need to change to dynamic.

Bullying is horrible. But I’m firmly in the kill with kindness camp. I had someone at work who was nothing short of a major *** but I got all my dogs (not ducks!) in a line (ready to go!) and a time will come where the Queen Bee stings and dies. MoSt of the others are oblivious, as it doesn’t happen to them, or they don’t want it to. In my case the QB had a go at me for not picking up their mess because they hadn’t told me to but did it in front of 3 other people and said ‘something along the lines of - you’ll wish you had never been born’- they shot themselves in the foot.

Pity her. You are a mirror and her unkindness and horrific behaviour reflects her. Kindness will drive her insane.

Get some other mums round one by one for spade work. Play dates. Make friends without her. She can’t be in all places at once. Is she on the pta ? Can you be a governor? Get involved in the school? Do you want to? Don’t ask her if she has a problem etc in front of others - you might look paranoid. Do your spade work first. When she says snide things - ask her if she is ok? Or if anything is the matter with her? Redirect back to her? My hair is fine thanks - why are you thinking you beds a change? Or whatever! There’s a very unhappy person in there.

Punch bag at home is great too! There are other wAys to build support network if you have just moved etc

In nearly every case of bullying I have ever witnessed it is a case that the person is deeply threatened or has major issues themselves.

My QB was sacked in Technicolor but there wasn’t a blemish on me as I had been so, so kind. He’s a bit glib and obvious violence he stresses is a crime! But I like him. Self confidence takes huge knocks sometimes as if she is effecting you that much that she is ruining your life - or evenings you need an action plan. Good luck

Some people are so far up their own backsides!! Totally ignore her OP, she's not worth your time. Do you have mutual friends?