Today I let my bully bully me for the last time

[FuckoffTwatty]

She has done it for close to 2 years. Not often, because I avoid her. I dropped out of baby groups, and let myself be ostracised from the mums group that gathers after preschool.

Today was the last straw. After I came home, I was really stressed from it, and snapped at one of my children who was pestering me because I was preoccupied and stressed from being bullied again.

Later, I was googling internet articles on how to handle adult bullies, when I sighed with frustration and threw my head back only to bang my head badly on the corner of a cupboard.

I then cried for about an hour as I was so upset that this bully had the power to cause repercussions that hurt me and my family physically and emotionally after the fact.

My bully is a Mumsnetter. Is it you?

Do you snub people and act like you haven’t seen them when you both know you have? Are you extremely rude to them when they are only ever nice to you, but only do that when no-one else is around so that you are never rumbled for what you are? Do you give dirty looks then saunter close by in an effort to intimidate? Are you sarcastic for no other reason that that you take some sort of pleasure from it?

Today was your last go at me. I might be nice and seem non-confrontational, but I see you for what you are, you are a mean-spirited ugly bully, and I am no pushover. I have a more varied life experience and strength of character than you can imagine.

I write this here because I think you will see it. You may wonder if it refers to you or not. Maybe it will make you think twice about being nasty in future.

You could even ask me next time you see me if I am a Mumsnetter too. I wonder if you are brave enough to ask me in front of other people?

Banging my head was a direct consequence of her bullying.

Banging your head was a direct consequence of throwing it back without looking where you were. We've all done it.

I have never been, nor would be childish towards her.

I'm really not sure taking it into MN, in the hope that she'll see it here, is the most mature way of handling it. If she recognises herself, as you want her to, she'll know it's you, so why not just do it in person rather than including all of Mumsnet?

You say today will be the last time it happens, but if this is your way of resolving it, I expect it will continue.

I'm still not entirely clear what she does. What exactly does she say to you in private that's so rude? How do you know she's trying to draw people away when she joins you and others for a conversation? Would she say you're cyber bullying her by trying to draw her out on here?

Based solely on what you've said here, it does sound as though you're giving this too much thought and perhaps reading things into it which aren't there (blaming her for the head banging and for your kids being upset). She's clearly not a lovely person but it doesn't sound like bullying.

And if you feel it’s childish, then you are of course free to go and read something else.

You posted in AIBU, you’re not going to have everyone agree with you or give an opinion you like unfortunately. I haven’t read anything that suggests she’s anything more than someone who dislikes you. Only from what you have described, bullying is pushing it, though as an adult she probably should hide her dislike better.

‘I did nice things for her and she still doesn’t like me!’ is a rather childish attitude, as is blaming her for you bumping your head and crying for an hour, or being annoyed that she’s sarcastic or doesn’t acknowledge you when out and about. Your responses to other posters haven’t exactly been the height of maturity either.

I'm curious...if this mum uses the code you've given tomorrow and asks if you're a MNer - or if she just outright asks you about this thread - will you admit it's you?

And if you will, and she says, "Why didn't you just ask me in person?", what will you say?

As it is, if she doesn't use the code or ask you about it, you won't know if it's because she's been too intimidated by the thread, didn't see it or didn't recognise herself in it.

Hi FOT

Sorry you are feeling this way, i am a bit late to the thread.

Can i just refer to the hand banging incident. You know it wasnt the banging of your head, it was the cherry on the top, and so, yes you cried for an hour, but it wasnt about the head bang, you of course know this though.

I too have been targetted by bullies, currently am being right now as well. But, all they want is a reaction. So, at this point in time, I just keep repeating over and over that no reaction is the best reaction. I saw said person recently, and by god it was very difficult for me to keep myself calm and not react (she has been targetting my daughter now as well as her first attempts at me failed as I used to no reaction method there too). But I did not react, and I walked away. Not sheepishly or like I had done any wrong, I walked away with my head high..... i know that I have done not a thing to provoke her, she is just taking a situation out on me, she thinks it is going to get her someone if she rattles me, BUT i wont allow it now. And at the time when I sat back in the car, I was shaking like a leaf, i just wanted to pop her one, honestly. But i sat there for a few minutes, then I had this overwhelming feeling of, he, bitch you wont get to me. Funnily enough, a few days later I see SHE has blocked ME on whatsapp. I mean really, frankly that is hilarious.

So really just a long winded way to say, keep your head high if you are around you. Do not engage with her and do not, ever, believe anything you have heard via someone else that she has said about you. The day will come when her cronies will see for themselves what type she is. But by that point, this will be a distant memory to you.

Dont let her get into your head. It is what bullies want.

I think that you have done the right thing for you, Some people do not like confrontation. You have taken the first step and should be proud of yourself. Bullie can make us feel worthless and that's what they count on to make themselves feel bigger.

OP is there anything you can do to start to build friendships outside of 'the group'?

For instance, is there one mum at the playgroup that you feel warmly towards? That you can invite on her own for a coffee or playdate? Can you start to build alliances that circumvent the bully? Connections like that will really help to repair your self esteem.

Failing that, is there another playgroup you can go to instead? My children haven't been bullied (yet) but I always thought that if they were, and it couldn't be stopped quickly, I wouldn't hesitate to move their schools.

Life is too short and precious to live with this kind of sustained anxiety. Sometimes there is nothing you can do to fix situations and you don't have to tolerate it. It isn't your fault.

Good luck with it all. It sounds really shitty.

Sometimes people can take against you or be mean. I have been on the outside of groups in the playground but I don't really mind, they aren't so much my type of people anyway.

My practical strategies would be a) don't say hi or look at her at all, just breeze past. She's been mean, said sarcastic things and doesn't respond- so you know she's horrid, so why say hi or bother interacting. Or if you don't want to stoop that low, say 'hi' then immediately look away and don't see her reaction. That way it doesn't matter whatever she's doing, because you aren't interested and aren't giving her any reaction b) talk to the mums on the edges of the groups- go and stand in the playground and say hi to another mum or smile, or have playdates arranged and get to know people that way. There isn't only one friendship group, there's lots and you will find a lot nicer people on the edges than around this particular individual.

Just live your life as if she's not there, she isn't there for you as a friend, so you can go to the library, or a coffee morning or whatever, you don't need to go to the one baby group she goes to if you don't want to.

Some people are a bit mean, I'd body-swerve her. No more favours, no more saying hi. Just move away from her and her meanness.

Well it's good that you're going to get to grips with your perception of this experience.

Put this in a different context. How many men complain that people are mean to them by talking to their friends whilst waiting for their children? Don't you also ever wonder if it's a bit silly that just because women have children other women with children should be their friends too?

You also say the other mums she's talking to aren't mean. Well, if it's the case they chose to talk to her and don't comment on her alleged blanking of you, then surely they're just as culpable of bullying.

I'm not Spartacus by the way. I was at the hairdressers at pick up time yesterday.

Tell her that should she even look at you in the wrong way one more time......you'll throat punch her.

I'm a bit uncomfortable reading some of the replies on this thread. Some posters appear to be victim-blaming.
It's all very well to say the Op should give the woman less headspace, and I do agree this would be ideal but when you are caught up in the middle of something like this it's easier said than done.
When a person has been on the receiving end of this low-level bitchiness for a while it's even harder to look at it dispassionately and decide how to react. You get worn down by it. Confidence is an odd thing, it doesn't take much to knock it out of a person, but building it back up takes ages.
Good luck OP, hope your situation improves soon.

Judging by the cuntishness of some of the posters here there are a lot of posters recognising themselves in the OP and feeling guilty and defensive...

Sounds like you've reached your limit and found some inner strength, which is good. Bullying is horrible and this does sound like bullying. Deliberately ostracising someone, being two-faced, trying to isolate them...if it was a relationship with a bloke people would be jumping in to say it's gaslighting and to LTB.

Best of luck OP. You sound as if you have found your mojo

bullying definition: use superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force them to do something.
"a local man was bullied into helping them"
synonyms: persecute, oppress, tyrannize, torment, browbeat, intimidate, cow, coerce, strong-arm, subjugate, domineer; More

I don't think people can bully you if they have no power or influence over you. It's just called being rude. This woman has no power or influence over you. She's not bullying you; she's just not a nice person. Making it a "bullying" issue is a way of avoiding responsibility. You are making yourself her victim and pretending that you have no options but to be "bullied" by her so that you don't have to deal with the fact that you can't cope with not being liked.

You're making your emotions her responsibility when they aren't. She made you hit your head. She makes you avoid people. None of that is true. They are all decisions you have made on your own.

if it was a relationship with a bloke people would be jumping in to say it's gaslighting and to LTB.

I think it’s really crass to compare the op’s situation to that of DV. The op has never been under any obligation to interact with the person who dislikes her beyond small pleasantries. It’s the op that’s expecting more of this person than they’re obviously going to give, and whilst a few of the behaviours described would definitely be crossing the line, most of it just reads as general dislike which the op doesn’t know how to deal with.

If it was a relationship with a bloke (or a woman), OP would be entitled to a certain amount of attention and pleasant talking! As it is, she's not friends with this woman so nobody owes each other anything except basic decency and common courtesy. We still don't know what this woman has said that's so rude. Did she insult your hair or clothes? Did she say your kids' names are chivvy? What did she say exactly?

The rudeness is the only thing that I find a bit concerning, but I still don't know what it is. As for not saying hi in the street, 'sauntering close to intimidate' or the famous MN 'look', I dunno. A lot of that is in the perception.

saiya and Edmund are totally correct.

OP Is this woman someone you'd like to have as a friend? Presumably not. You've said you're not the only person she's rude to so why waste your time taking it personally?

You can't possibly get on with everyone and of course life is full of awkward characters, but don't forget only YOU can 'make' you feel a certain way. You are in control of your emotions and she can't give you dirty looks or make you feel on edge or get to you in other ways if you simply ignore her. It takes practice if you're not a natural 'blanker' but it is entirely possible and completely freeing to realise you don't need to engage with this stuff.

Maybe stop being 'nice' to her and start being nice to yourself.

Next time you walk past her and say Hi and she ignores you.
Say "Fuck off twat".

If she reacts, just say, "I was saying nice/rainy/cold days isn't it".
Fuck her!

I believe you @FuckoffTwatty

I understand how it feels to be new to an area and struggle to fit in with groups and cliques.

I've also been victim of bullying, although at work the 'MO' is the same.

As you are clearly a nice person it's very difficult to know what to say or how to respond to her comments and bad behaviour as being mean doesn't come naturally to you.

I don't understand the victim blaming responses on here, it must be some psychological thing to avoid being bullied themselves by siding with the bully. Same happening to me at work.

I truly believe that bullying continues if they go unchallenged so please try and gather all your strength the next time you see her. If she eye rolls, ignores you or makes a nasty comment have a list of come backs ready

^*"Are you ok Twatty!?" (head tilt in concerned pity)

"You seem so angry today, do you need a hug!?" (Laugh loudly)

"Did you mean to be so rude?!"

Etc. *^

Don't acknowledge her, don't smile at her, be assertive you have nothing to lose.

Something about you clearly bugs her, probably some jealousy.

She's an insecure twat. Sort her out op!!

most of it just reads as general dislike which the op doesn’t know how to deal with

If an adult dislikes someone and is not a bully, then surely they would simply avoid the person they dislike? This woman does not avoid me. She is snide to me when out of earshot of others, then deliberately and unnecessarily comes into my space when I’m not alone and makes things awkward. She makes a beeline for me if I’m talking to someone she knows, and starts talking to the other person while turning a shoulder on me. She will say hi one day, then the next day if I say hi, she will look at me with utter disgust, and simply turn away. There’s more, but it would be too long. It’s crazy, it’s inconsistent, and it makes me uneasy whenever she is near.

Anyway, yesterday was the last straw. I feel differently now because I have got angry about it. I think that’s a good thing.

Someone mentioned “the code” upthread. I didn’t really mean it to be a code, but yes, if she asks, I will be very direct. I don’t intend to engage on here with her either. And I very much doubt she would pop up to annouce herself.

My query whether Tartan was Twatty was just sarcasm, but I accept it was misinterpreted and perhaps I should have put a suitable emoticon to be clear.

Thank you to the supportive posters. Quite a few of you really get it and have given me food for thought. God knows what drives an adult to bully, it’s just outrageous and pathetic.

It would have to be intentional for it to be bullying so I don't think this post would make her feel embarrassed tbh. I think she would feel glad that she has the power to affect you so much

This. I don't see that this thread would do any good. If she IS a bully, this would make her smirk and be delighted, surely? I really don't understand what the purpose of the thread is, and I don't think you have given any real examples of being bullied. I agree with those who say some of your responses to posters here have been petulant. The whole thing seems very childish. It is hard if someone is unpleasant to you, but posting about it on MN in the hope she sees it is highly childish. If you were truly over the situation you wouldn't have posted at all, and I don't understand why you haven't addressed this with her in person. Confrontation isn't pleasant, but what you've effectively done with this post is set up potentially an even bigger and less pleasant confrontation, so it is self-defeating.

I would develop strategies to deal with these specific instances then. If I was chatting to someone and she arrived, I wouldn't make body space, and if she kind of muscled in, I'd say 'hi' in an disinterested voice. She can't literally barge you out of the way, so just hold your ground. The other person is likely to not like her much anyway.

As for the saying 'hi'. Stop. She can't be relied on to be friendly. So just stop saying 'hi', be busy, distracted and don't bother with it. If she says 'why didn't you say hi?' just say 'sorry, didnt' see you'. Just disengage with her.

I don't think confrontation is the way forward here, I think it will make her win actually, as she's got to you and other people will back off from you if they think you are the type to shout (even if totally justified).

Studiously blankly ignoring her unless she is right in front of you saying hi is the way to go. Don't look for her, or look about, just pretend like she doesn't exist because at the moment, she has you on tenderhooks.

I have done this with a work colleague who used to be friendly and then ignore and it worked really well, or rather, I never bothered again to find out if they were ignoring me. I just used to say a cheery 'hello' and look away before they responded, it drives attention seeking nasties crazy if you simply aren't interested in them.

What exactly does she say that's rude?

You said in another post that she does it to someone else so there's really no reason to take it personally. Like as not she's an attention seeker, would explain why she makes a beeline for you when it suits her. She sounds unpleasant but unless she's actually said something nasty to you I'm struggling to see it as actual bullying. If she's turning a shoulder to you, just move so you're back in line and say 'excuse me'.

With this thread you're effectively daring her to do what you won't and have a face to face conversation about it. Why not just start one yourself if it's what you want?