Today I let my bully bully me for the last time

[FuckoffTwatty]

She has done it for close to 2 years. Not often, because I avoid her. I dropped out of baby groups, and let myself be ostracised from the mums group that gathers after preschool.

Today was the last straw. After I came home, I was really stressed from it, and snapped at one of my children who was pestering me because I was preoccupied and stressed from being bullied again.

Later, I was googling internet articles on how to handle adult bullies, when I sighed with frustration and threw my head back only to bang my head badly on the corner of a cupboard.

I then cried for about an hour as I was so upset that this bully had the power to cause repercussions that hurt me and my family physically and emotionally after the fact.

My bully is a Mumsnetter. Is it you?

Do you snub people and act like you haven’t seen them when you both know you have? Are you extremely rude to them when they are only ever nice to you, but only do that when no-one else is around so that you are never rumbled for what you are? Do you give dirty looks then saunter close by in an effort to intimidate? Are you sarcastic for no other reason that that you take some sort of pleasure from it?

Today was your last go at me. I might be nice and seem non-confrontational, but I see you for what you are, you are a mean-spirited ugly bully, and I am no pushover. I have a more varied life experience and strength of character than you can imagine.

I write this here because I think you will see it. You may wonder if it refers to you or not. Maybe it will make you think twice about being nasty in future.

You could even ask me next time you see me if I am a Mumsnetter too. I wonder if you are brave enough to ask me in front of other people?

You can't change people.

You can only change the way you react to them

She wants power over you

Getting angry and confronting her will only feed her need for power

Be happy around her. Smile when she's nasty. Touch her arm and ask how she's doing with a caring expression. Hold her hand briefly as you ask if all is well with her day, concern for her, coupled with a happy smile as your life is so great. It's the only way to negate her need for power

The only way to defeat bullies is to show them (probably faking it to start with) how happy you are and how they don't affect you

Take away their power

Bullies get away with it because no one ever calls them out on their behaviour. I’d get her on her own and say what the fuck is you problem and have it out with her. You’re not friends anyway so it’s not like she will fall out with you.
I agree with pp, you are giving her too much headspace. You need to develope a more don’t give a fuck attitude. Don’t alter your life because of her.

Even if she reads this, I doubt it will change her behaviour. She either won't recognise herself in it, or won't care.

I think you need to ignore her, or ask her next time she does it why she's done it (e.g., if she's sarcastic, ask, 'Why did you say that?'). Either way, though, you must definitely remove the power she has over you. As PPs have said, you can't control her but you can control your response. If you can reach a point where nothing she does can upset you (short of pushing you under a bus, you know what I mean), she's lost completely and has no further weapons.

i agree that this isn't 'bullying' because it's not in a situation you can't escape. It's someone you see going about your routine having taken against you and being unpleasant to you. I suspect this is getting to you so much because you have got very swept up in the whole school-gate friendship thing. I've seen this a lot on here, with people analysing small interactions, almost as if they were still at school themselves (which is not meant to belittle you and your feelings, just an observation of the status these things appear to take on). I really believe these mum friendships are rarely what they are cracked up to be, and usually only ever a means to an end. They take on less importance if there is enough stability and sources of self-esteem in other areas of one's life. OP, you need to try and find that.

I am saying this with kindness, but toughen up OP. She gives you a dirty look, you eye roll her, she walks past you, turn your back on her. Get in with another group of mums at school or soft play. She doesn't have to power to make you cry for an hour, unless you give it to her.
I wouldn't expect her to be contrite if she does recognise herself on here. It always amazes me how bullies have so little (or at least pretend to) awareness of their bullying behaviour.

Do you snub people and act like you haven’t seen them when you both know you have?

She could be face blind or in a world of her own. How do you know it’s a deliberate ‘snub’? Are you that important to be recognised out and about?

Are you extremely rude to them when they are only ever nice to you, but only do that when no-one else is around so that you are never rumbled for what you are?

If someone was rude to me in private (or otherwise) unless there was a good reason I’d not bother giving them any further time - especially two years.

Do you give dirty looks then saunter close by in an effort to intimidate?

Oh god, is this that famous Mumsnet look?

Are you sarcastic for no other reason that that you take some sort of pleasure from it?

To be honest, that describes most of MN, including myself....

Definitely not me - I've never been anywhere near a baby group/school in my adult life.

Sorry to hear you are being bullied, OP. It sounds as though you need a new group of friends away from the 'school gates' bunch - if they're letting one person take over as ringleader in ostracising you, they must be weak-willed and disloyal. Do you do any activities away from your DC where you could make new friends? It wouldn't stop the pre-school people being idiots, but it might stop you caring.

OP

You have described my 'mum's group' bully maybe it's the same. Mine is at primary school though and has effectively ostracised me. She is the same. Horribly grumpy face, blanks you when she has he misfortune to walk by you with none else in sight, horribly gossips about my child to parents and teachers.

I also see her for what she is, insecure with narc traits it's all about her and her darling children. Basically she is a control freak with a massive grudge for reasons unbeknownst to me.

I don't wish her ill but i have to say that she is the crappiest and most cringeworthy person i have met in my life.

OP, let it go, get some counselling if needed and move onwards and up. These people must feel so small in the dark of night and have baggage of their own. Accept that it has been shit for you and try and build your future experience with a new mindset.

I sometimes idly wonder what makes adult women act like bullies. I believe that it is a weird combination of self loathing and simultanuoulsy an inflated sense of self. So they think they and their dc are more important than anyone else whilst also feeling they don't quite measure up.

I was treated badly when my first Dd started at the local school. I was a single mum, worked full time (so couldn't join in with playground gossip and coffee in cafes) and was pretty much ignored unless they wanted to ask me questions or nobody else was around to chat to.

One day I decided to ignore the fuckers back.

I strode confidently into the playground, breezed past the huddle and stood head up waiting for my Dd.

I swear after a few days of this they were clamouring to talk to me but I wasn't interested.

My youngest is in year 2 in the same school and it's a different story totally. Everyone is nice and friendly and nobody gets ignored.

Disengage, withdraw from it all and portray and air of disinterested confidence.

This is a weird one. I personally don't think it sounds like she's bullying you. She may just be a bit of a rude person overall or simply not want to be your friend. She's not obliged to be. But I think bullying is perhaps a strong word to describe someone who's a bit sarcastic to you or ignores you. Especially in the circumstances you describe. If these behaviours were happening every day for 8 hours a day at work I can understand it impacting your life to this extent but just on the school run and softplay?

it took me a few years to understand that playground mums are, in fact, just an extension of how the playground at school worked. The queen bee and her minions and little cliques all around. I mistakenly thought we'd all matured and could leave that behaviour behind - even if you don't like someone, you'd be polite but not encourage friendship.

It may only be a few minutes to pick the kids up but it truly impacts in other areas - taking the kids to the park after school, arranging play dates, birthday parties, after school clubs and teams, school fairs... I get you totally OP.

I now keep the majority of mums at arm's length - I'm perfectly pleasant and say hello but I don't engage further - I don't want to be friends with someone who makes me feel bad about myself in any way.

OP - you can get through this. You've made the first step in deciding it's the last time, stick with it. You will feel so much stronger and your children will see the difference too

Meh. Aren't there quite a lot of bad eggs hanging around MN and everywhere else? Just life isn't it? I'm finding the tone of this thread sort of menacing actually. The thing I always reconcile myself about with bullies is that they carry around inside of them a big bag of vitriol each and every day ...I think that's bad for the health, everything! They suffer really.

Stop being nice and speaking to her at all. Hold your head high, laugh inside when you see her and how pathetic she is.
Don't give her headspace and make friends with the other Mums she does this too, then practise you raised eyebrow look if she tries to say anything, don't reply just look at her like she's speaking another language and walk away.
Don't avoid her on purpose when she looks at you, if she catches your eye, smirk and then look away.

So one person possibly doesn't like you, there are plenty of other people in the world. You are giving this woman way too much head space.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. For people who don't have the hide of a rhino, it's not as simple as 'just ignore them?' is it? Bullying is really toxic and often calculating behaviour, and those who practice it really deserve to be called out.

Well done for pushing back! Next time she says something awful to you, have a response ready. My MIL has a habit of quietly saying awful things to me when she thinks noone else can hear, and I've started saying things like 'My my, get out of the wrong side of bed today, did we?' or the Mumsnet classic 'Did you mean that to be so rude?'. When someone has already crossed all boundaries by saying something godawful, it's not rude to reset some limits.

Tartan. Banging my head was a direct consequence of her bullying.

To those sayng she is not bullying and she just doesn’t like me and isn’t obliged to, I repeat she is bullying.

She appears pleasant enough to me when others are near, but then is nasty when they are not. She is rude to me, or dismissive, or blanks me when I say hi, but then actively comes to intrude on other interactions or conversations I am having.and tries to draw the other person away. She deliberately undermines my confidence in an area where she is more established, and she knows she is doing it. That is bullying.

She is insidious, obnoxious, and I have given her no reason to be. Of course I speak to and have friendships with other people, but unfortunately this woman-child is sometmes unavoidable.

Those who are saying I am giving her too much headspace and I need to take her control away, you are spot on, and that’s the stage I am now at, or trying to be at.

Giving her headspace is not my choice, although I am a strong person, I am also sensitive and she just got under my skin.

Would she recognise herself? I think she would. Would she be pleased she rattled me, or would she be embarrassed? I don’t know, but the former would suggest she is utterly a nasty piece of work while the latter would show she has some decency.

Anewhope ostracising is a form of bullying.

"Banging my head was a direct consequence of her bullying."

I'm sorry, but this isn't true. Banging your head was a direct consequence of your reaction to her bullying. It's a really important distinction, because you need to draw a boundary here between 'things I can control' and 'things I can't control'. That boundary is also the limit of your responsibility - and it is the condition of you not giving her headspace.

Think of yourself as surrounded by an invisible square. She is standing on the edge of your square, and rudely dumping a load of litter into it. It IS obnoxious and hurtful behaviour. You can choose to accept that litter, or you can pick it up and calmly and quietly deposit it back on the other side of that boundary.

You are not a child trapped in a classroom situation with this woman, nor is she a colleague that you need to work with. Therefore you do not need to be in this situation with her. You don't need to be nice. Have some respect for yourself and either confront her or ignore her or be horrible back. She treats you like this because you let her. Are you really crying about how another woman at a toddler group treats you?

It would have to be intentional for it to be bullying so I don't think this post would make her feel embarrassed tbh. I think she would feel glad that she has the power to affect you so much. She would only feel bad about it if it was not intentional. In which case she would not be bullying.

I don't think this thread is going to achieve what you want it to OP, other than maybe it's been good to write it all down and get it out.