Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Softzilla returns..... to soft play

999 replies

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 24/04/2018 19:57

Probably will be a boring thread as i mainly intend to continue just ignoring and refusing to be drawn in to any games but...

Guess where I went today? And who I bumped into there? (I really need to find another place to hang out with people! )
Well she was there when I turned up with party mum. We greeted her with a surprised slightly awkward 'oh... hi!' which she returned, but then sat at a different table.
Later in the afternoon when I'd got home she called and i picked up without thinking. She said she wanted to chat and make it so that we could start going to our usual group again - she seemed to be under the impression that I was no longer going. And asked if she could come over right then. I said no sorry as it was time for dinner/ bath/ bed etc for my dc. I also told her that I was still attending the group and that she didn't need to worry about attending, I joked that it's big enough for both of us..... and she put the phone down. I wondered if it was a mistake but she never called back if it was and I don't want to call her.

OP posts:
WhataLovelyPear · 25/04/2018 15:52

I can't believe this is still going on - has she no idea how it looks? I think your best bet is Grey Rock - which you are pretty much doing anyway.

MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet · 25/04/2018 15:54

I would change it from 'let's stop all the drama' to 'please stop all the drama'; you're not the one creating any drama!!

fuzzyfozzy · 25/04/2018 15:55

I think I'd reply "I'm not sure what you want from me, there is no problem"

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 25/04/2018 16:03

"You are so frustrating" is really throwing down the gauntlet again and hoping that you will pick it up.
I dont think it requires any reply at all.
She is trying to provoke a text from you that she can forward on to people to help "prove" her case. Nothing in writing. Ever.
And do not let her get you on your own on Friday.
I am sure this will all die down soon. but I think you have to be vigilent for a little while longer. Best of luck.

elisenbrunnen · 25/04/2018 16:04

She's frustrated because you won't give her anything to fight against!

She wants to 'thrash it out', to 'have it out with you', to throw all the drama about... and you are just calmly, quietly redirecting her .

It is frustrating when you want a fight and the other person just walks away. Grin

MaisyPops · 25/04/2018 16:05

The gift keeps giving.

I agree with other posters. Be more to the point.

'Stop bringing this up. It's done. See you Friday.'

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 25/04/2018 16:11

The reason I said don't reply is that I believe it is just adding further fuel to the fire. Starve the fire to encourage it to go out. OP has already given a bland adequate reply. Why reply again and give her an opening to start a text dialogue about Friday and then start saying we need to discuss this face to face.
Ignore, Ignore, Ignore is my advice.

ReanimatedSGB · 25/04/2018 16:11

Grey rock is the only way to deal with people like this, though. She's desperately trying to needle you into a reaction, so the best thing to do is... frustrate her by not reacting. Her problem, not yours.

Lizzie48 · 25/04/2018 16:12

I think it's time to stop pussyfooting around. You need to tell her to stop harassing you and then block her finally. I think the problem is that you're saying it's fine, and she's taking it to mean that you want to be friends, which of course you don't. You need to spell it out clearly, otherwise this will be going on indefinitely.

Groovee · 25/04/2018 16:21

She's frustrated because she's not getting a reaction from you.

Keep ignoring, be pleasant if you see her but you do not need to bend over backwards for her.

MyOtherProfile · 25/04/2018 16:30

I'd send the reply you suggested. That's really clear. Although she can still read it her own way of course.

RandomWordsStuckTogether · 25/04/2018 16:30

This is all about power and control.

She wants to control the narrative. And she wants to control when you and she have contact, and on what terms.

The fact that you are refusing to engage is maddening to her. This is not going how she intends it to.

The psychology is similar to that of an abusive partner or a stalker ex. The inability to let go and the persistent attempts to wrest back control of you and the situation. There are parallels. Be wary of escalation once she accepts you are outwith her power.

The only advice that can be given is ignore, ignore, ignore.

If you must, send one final message saying unequivocally that you consider the matter done and dusted and would prefer not to have any contact from her again about it as there is nothing more to discuss as far as you're concerned.

Then block and avoid like the plague.

Flexoset · 25/04/2018 16:30

@What a GrippingLifeYouDoLead - I have noticed the exact same thing.

One of those posters whose name you see and just think, "Oh, God, them again."

Original poster
Unreasonableunreasonableness · 25/04/2018 16:31

Grey Rock?

OP posts:
OnTheRise · 25/04/2018 16:32

She's getting wound up because you're not playing her game and running round after her like she wants you to.

It's time to block her now.

TheMaddHugger · 25/04/2018 16:33

www.thriveafterabuse.com/going-gray-rock/

basically you don't react to anything she does or says

YouTheCat · 25/04/2018 16:33

Don't text back. I'd block her at this point as she is goading you for a reaction.

bonnyshide · 25/04/2018 16:41

'haha I'm definitely not trying to be frustrating, I just thought we'd drawn a line under this and I was happy we'd moved on. I really don't see any need to keep revisiting it so I won't be discussing it with you again. Hope to see you at group soon'

ChasedByBees · 25/04/2018 16:43

Id be tempted to just reply with ‘OK’.

It wouldn’t help matters. Grin just ignore.

BlankTimes · 25/04/2018 16:46

I'd be tempted to say 'There's nothing you "need" to say to me that cannot be said in front of everyone on Friday. See you on Friday.
Cheery grinning waving emoticon.

Then block.

WiltedDaffs · 25/04/2018 16:54

Agree with those saying to ignore and grey rock. This is about power and control and she’s after any sign of a reaction from you.

She’s frustrated because she thinks of you as an actor in her play and right now you’re refusing to read the script.

FantasticButtocks · 25/04/2018 17:05

So she's gone from being a cheeky fucker to being a goady fucker now Grin She seems to be trying to provoke you into saying or texting something that will make you look bad.

It probably is best to not respond to the 'you're so frustrating' text, as she's trying to goad you into saying something she can interpret wrongly.

She is frustrated. But she's telling you that you are frustrating. There's a difference. Her feelings of frustration are actually hers but she wants you to be the one responsible. She's been consistent in that all the way along.

Smeddum · 25/04/2018 17:14

I’m with the grey rock idea. Your text idea is awesome, but she strikes me as the kind of person who would use that to play the victim and out of context it could look snippy (not that you are being, but she’s not exactly on board with the truth is she?)

Grey rock - ignore, be civil and don’t react.

It will piss her off more than anything else!

(There’s a CF nursery mum offended with me currently because I politely declined to disclose personal details about an emergency phone call a friend got which meant I picked her kids up from nursery. Her nose is bothering her and she’s furious I didn’t fill her in on it. She’s being increasingly rude and passive aggressive and I find it quite funny that my cheery hello as I walk past in the morning is pissing her right off. She wants a reaction so that is the absolute last thing she will be getting from me Grin)

Shizzlestix · 25/04/2018 17:19

'I'm not sure what you want from me. I've said everything is forgotten, not to worry and to come to group. There is NOTHING to talk about. Let's just stop all this drama, I will see you on Friday

Remove the bit about “Let’s just’ and make it a command “Stop all this drama.....’. She is like a terrier with a bloody rat, isn’t she, won’t flipping let go. Be firm, OP, she’s a loon.

Storminateapot · 25/04/2018 17:30

I think the crux of the matter is that she thinks you owe her an apology and won't give it. She's not done talking because she hasn't got what she wants, which is your admission that you were in the wrong to begin with. That's why she just stood & stared at you when you initially tried to talk and why she had little to say on the phone/put the phone down - she's passive-aggressively telling you 'I'm waiting...'

There's a big disconnect there and she can't let it go because it's not resolved for her until you apologise.

Long wait ahead for her then...