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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Softzilla returns..... to soft play

999 replies

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 24/04/2018 19:57

Probably will be a boring thread as i mainly intend to continue just ignoring and refusing to be drawn in to any games but...

Guess where I went today? And who I bumped into there? (I really need to find another place to hang out with people! )
Well she was there when I turned up with party mum. We greeted her with a surprised slightly awkward 'oh... hi!' which she returned, but then sat at a different table.
Later in the afternoon when I'd got home she called and i picked up without thinking. She said she wanted to chat and make it so that we could start going to our usual group again - she seemed to be under the impression that I was no longer going. And asked if she could come over right then. I said no sorry as it was time for dinner/ bath/ bed etc for my dc. I also told her that I was still attending the group and that she didn't need to worry about attending, I joked that it's big enough for both of us..... and she put the phone down. I wondered if it was a mistake but she never called back if it was and I don't want to call her.

OP posts:
Motoko · 05/05/2018 00:00

I do think you should ring the police, she's starting to sound dangerous.

minimalpatience · 05/05/2018 01:11

She really doesn't sound quite right. Ignoring her clearly isn't working. After today I'd be minded to send a one liner making it clear that whilst you'll be civil when you see her, you have no interest in a friendship or talking to her and ask her to respect that.

AreThereAnyLumpsInIt · 05/05/2018 01:53

Agreed. She sounds like a complete nutter. Her latest behaviour is worrying. The previous threads left me gobsmacked but this is a bit further. I would advocate not engaging with her in any way... block her number, don't speak to her, don't engage her at all. This is not a friendship. She has now pushed this beyond any point where it could have been salvaged or where it could be civil. I would suggest writing this event down actually... dates and times etc. If she continues to harass you, I would inform her that you are keeping her a log of her behaviour towards you and if she does not cease immediately, you will pass on that information to the police.

Seems a bit mad that it's gotten to this point but it really does seem like it's heading that way?

CheeseRollingChampion · 05/05/2018 02:26

You've done nothing wrong. Please remember that. Most people would have lost it long before now. I hope this is a turning point and she leaves you alone.

linadee25 · 05/05/2018 07:45

Hope you are feeling a bit better today OP.
Definitely consider keeping a log of her behaviour and do not engage with her now in any way.

Lizzie48 · 05/05/2018 08:16

What she's doing is stalking you. You really need to protect yourself from her. It's definitely not funny and I'm concerned that she might become violent if she's ever alone with you.

Clutterbugsmum · 05/05/2018 08:35

I don't want to worry you but I think you really need to be on your guard now, even more then you have been. As now it is in the open what has actually happened and how she has been behaving she may become even more fixated on you as she is losing control over this situation.

As I said earlier the playgroup may ban her completely as her behaviour is be coming dangerous and unstable and is a safe guarding issue for the children and other parent in the group.

Having said that please try to enjoy this lovely long weekend with your family.

zzzzz · 05/05/2018 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Storminateapot · 05/05/2018 09:06

I can't fathom why she keeps wanting to discuss this 'outside'. What can happen there that couldn't have happened in the room while you watched the children? Only something inappropriate in my opinion, like a subsequent accusation of violence by you upon her. Running in crying you'd hit her or similar. Particularly now you've raised your voice in public and shown your anger (quite understandably).

She's not safe to be around alone. Who keeps following someone around a room and standing behind them? That's very intimidating. Please make sure you have witnesses next time you see her, she seems to have lost sight of what this was all about her behaviour is so disproportionate to the size of the silly tiff it should have been left behind as weeks ago.

ohfourfoxache · 05/05/2018 09:26

None of this is your fault, and you have nothing to be embarrassed about.

Take the support people offer, because they aren’t offering it for no reason; they care about you.

Hope you feel a bit better today

Magicstar1 · 05/05/2018 09:50

These types of thread make me glad I can be out straight and blunt. I’d just tell her I don’t like her, she can do whatever she likes, but I won’t be associating with her. It works.

RandomMess · 05/05/2018 09:54

Hope you're feeling better this morning Thanks

Lizzie48 · 05/05/2018 09:54

The problem is that it hasn't worked with this woman. Because she's not like normal people. And the OP needs the support of her friends and the group leader to get this woman to stop hassling her. This is someone who is being stalked. Stalkers don't listen when the victim says they don't like them.

JustCallMeTheOven · 05/05/2018 09:55

@Unreasonableunreasonableness you've done so well not to rise to her and I'm glad you didn't go outside with her she sounds unhinged, please contact group leader and discuss everything with her, you aren't stirring or keeping it going by explaining exactly what's been going on, it'll help to have others aware as she is clearly harassing you xx

YoThePussy · 05/05/2018 10:12

I keep thinking she wants you to go outside to sort things out and when you do she will say to get your jacket off and fists up so you can sort it out ‘man to man’.

If she had stood right behind me I would have been tempted to step back suddenly on her with my full weight. Trouble is then she would scream and throw herself around which is what she wants to do.

She is awful and am so sorry for you. It is now is the hands of your playgroup leader and she must sort it out for you somehow in terms of attendance of the group. A visit from a community police officer to Softzilla’s home with her DH or DP in attendance will be the next stage.

RosyPrimroseface · 05/05/2018 10:29

I am glad your friends have set the record straight. I almost think you've been TOO quiet and noble and dignified here. If i was a bystander and saw her pestering you I would expect a normal person to protest back, say "Why do you want to talk to me outside? You made a mistake and we agreeed to forget it...etc..." and tell the whole group the situation. Nobody would expect to be paid for at soft play so just keep saying "This all started because you expected me to pay for you for no reason" and keep sounding reasonable. I would tell EVERYONE.

If you keep biting your tongue eventually you'll flip - like just happened - and all the bystanders will have no evidence as to who's the nutty one.

RandomMess · 05/05/2018 10:37

She wants private "outside" discussion so she can twist what you said/lie/create more drama...

KeepServingTheDrinks · 05/05/2018 10:37

I'm so sorry Unreasonable. Hope you're ok today Flowers

KateGrey · 05/05/2018 10:43

She’s nuts. I genuinely think she may have something wrong with her.

alfagirl73 · 05/05/2018 11:49

Wow - I have followed all your threads. This woman sounds very similar to a woman who turned full on stalker towards me some years back. Each incident/encounter/message on its own sounds almost silly and like nothing... but when you put it all together it creates a pattern of rather worrying behaviour.

You are right to insist on her saying anything in front of witnesses. My stalker always had to deal with witnesses until one time she thought she was outwith earshot of others (she didn't realise that my friend was standing behind her). At that moment when she thought it was just me and her, she issued me a very chilling and sinister threat - no screaming, no shouting - very quiet, cold and calculated. So yes - always make sure you have witnesses. I'm not saying this to be dramatic or scare you - but just because I understand how something like this can sound so silly to people not involved... but you know there is something more unpleasant going on. Most instances of stalking/harassment start out as "nothing". Mine did - I was shocked at how easily the situation escalated into full on scary stalking before I even realised how serious it had become. It went from moments where I just thought "she has issues!" and not taking it very seriously... to the police being involved etc.

With my stalker we ended up at court and a restraining order was issued - but this was after months of continuous harassment and even her following me around in her car. When I got to know her car, she would hire cars so that I didn't recognise them. It was a very unpleasant experience.

I'm glad you have support from friends - just keep a note of things and as I say, make sure that any dialogue happens with witnesses about.

Finally - I know people have been saying to block her. While in some cases this is the best thing to do, it's not always best. By all means, do not respond to her - you have made it perfectly clear now, in no uncertain terms, that you want her to leave you alone. That is important with a stalker - to be able to show that you have made it clear that you want them to back off and leave you be. But with someone like this, it can almost be better to know if she's trying to contact you - you can see any escalation in behaviour (which might act as a warning to her turning up somewhere or whatever), patterns, and use messages etc... as evidence if it comes to it. So if it were me, I wouldn't block at this point but just keep any messages.

I hope she backs off and it all settles down, although having experienced this kind of harassment myself from someone who sounds eerily similar, I suspect she won't be going away easily.

Just carry on - remain as calm as you can - repeat until you are sick of it "leave me alone" - walk away. The more she pursues you the more she effectively proves that SHE is the one with the problem and it sounds like the less you engage with her the more determined she is becoming. Just be careful and if you at any point feel in danger, DO report it; people throw around the word "stalking" very lightly these days, but the reality of it is far from nice and this woman sounds like she is starting to stray down that road.

I hope things settle down for you. xx

Orchidiona · 05/05/2018 15:33

I can't believe she is still persisting with this. What is it with her determination to go outside.?? As previous poster said dont block her keep any messages as evidence and start a diary - log everything seeing it all written down you will realise how this behaviour is appalling. Dont be embarrassed you have done nothing wrong

Namechangedname · 05/05/2018 16:19

Please don't feel bad. She is trying to turn people away from you and stop you going to the group.

In the nicest way possible, she's lost the bloody plot!

Laiste · 05/05/2018 16:35

You did well OP. Seriously i'd have lamped her by now. (NOT the best course of action).

Don't make any attempt to contact SZ. She needs managing with the help of others now. Do you have a DP? What does he suggest?

When you speak to the group leader you would do well to appeal to her and ask her what she suggests for future peace keeping. Get her onside. She probably is already. I'm willing to bet she'll be happy to help by telling Soft-bloody-zilla to behave and keep her distance if she wants to keep coming to the group somehow.

DartmoorDoughnut · 05/05/2018 18:54

Oh my word you poor thing, I can’t believe she is still harassing you! Sad