Just got told that I'm racist toward my own child

[jumpiin]

I was at the park with my son, not many people there just one other lady with her two kids. I smiled at her on the way in and she gave me a dirty look. Bit strange but just ignored it. I was playing and we were having a great time, we were laughing and I called him a cheeky monkey affectionately. This lady storms over to me and tells me not say that around her children (she was black for the record) she was very rude and stood right in my face. I asked her what the problem was and she gave me a big speech I can't exactly how she worded it as I'm fuming but she basically said, me calling my own baby a cheeky monkey was racist because he's mixed, she also said that I was ignorant and that I needed to educate myself because I know nothing about my own child's race. She then told me that I'm "just another one of those girls who thinks a brown baby is an accessory". She then stormed off and I've come straight home as the afternoon was ruined and I'm still reeling! I assume she made these assumptions because I'm white, I've taken the time to learn about my DPs culture and DS is learning to speak English and Swahili and as for seeing him as an accessory that's just ridiculous, he is the most precious and important thing in my life. Aibu to think that she was in the wrong here and that she is a part of the problem? And to think that I can call my child whatever I want as long as there's no malice behind it?!

@skinnyboneylittlepony I think you know that's completely different

Jumpiin, the reason the crazy person in the Park was furious is because to some people, especially those who have been on the receiving end there is little difference. That is what was being communicated to you, though inelegantly.

It’s the ‘you’re a star’ tshirt as a gift to a Jewish child.

No one has ever admitted being wrong on the internet, but hopefully, for the sake of your child, you will consider that the white perspective is not the only one. Maybe read the book ‘why I’m no longer talking to white people about race’.

This thread has gone mad, cheeky monkey is not compatible to bitch or anything else that has been mentioned here. It is an acceptable term of endearment for a cheeky child of whatever race. This type of thing is great for the anti PC brigade, you are really dancing to their tune, and providing fodder for them. Sometimes I just think, only on Mumsnet. I expect DM will be picking it up tomorrow, and using it as one of their anti PC stories. Ridiculous.

Bitch is recognised as a universal swear word. 50% of the world is female and insulted by being called that. ‘Monkey’ is only used to abuse a small minority, therefore does not ‘feel’ as bad.

Same as saying "you're a star" to a jewish child. Context is everything. I would call my best friend a cheeky bitch, or my dh an old bugger.

It's not just monkey being used, it's cheeky monkey, which has a totally different meaning. At this rate most words will be banned. Yes cheeky monkey is a usual term used by a lot of parents as a term of endearment to their child.

Never heard your a star, towards a Jewish child. Better ban star of the day at schools then!

OP. You can say what you like. Hopefully your son will look back with compassion for your ignorance. In the same way we look upon how old aunt Ethel would talk affectionately about the ‘little black heathens’ her church had a collection for.

Skinnyboneylittlepony-Jumpiin, the reason the crazy person in the Park was furious is because to some people, especially those who have been on the receiving end there is little difference. That is what was being communicated to you, though inelegantly.

No. The park bully was hostile and confrontational toward the OP before the OP had even said anything.

Oh skinny don't be so silly. Calling a child a cheeky monkey is a universally accepted form of endearment, it's only on Mumsnet it has been banned. You call your child a cheeky monkey, it's perfectly acceptable, tgat woman had no right to interfere with yiu, and bully you.

A cheeky monkey is used as a term of endearment for children of all colours and us not reserved solely fir black chikdren, if it was just used for black or mixed race children, there would be a problem, but it is not!

That's right, @Alpineflowers the other mum was spoiling for a fight. The 'cheeky monkey' thing gave her the excuse she was looking for. It's clear that she was objecting to the fact that the OP was a white woman with a black partner.

No one likes to think of themselves as having said/done/thought something racist. It doesn’t mean you are a bad person usually. Rather that you are unthinking about something. Introspection and self reflection are harder than calling out ‘PC gone mad’ and being defensive.

I think if this OP is real, then they’re not racist. The woman that approached her was crazy and aggressive.

But...

It’s not racist on the face of it to call a small child a cheeky monkey but it is racist not to understand or care about the issue when people try and talk about it.

I feel uncomfortable with all the people that jump on things like this to say it’s definitely not racist without considering the things that some people are saying. It’s ok to discuss this. And some pp have mentioned some of the difficulties- as a child I was called a “cheeky monkey” by adults and they were being racist and they were clever in hiding their racism.

I think Tabby has made some good points, but people won’t even consider that sometimes there are grey areas with these things.

Well my DH is African and has lived here since his teens. Our dd is mixed race. I saw it made him uncomfortable when I called my dd cheeky monkey.
It is such a familiar English term to use for little ones it just came naturally.
I taught myself out of it though. I now say cheeky one or scamp or something.
My dsis told my my bil still gets called monkey when he goes to football matches.
Then I heard a lady saying she has had more racism in the street since Brexit, people shouting monkey at her.
This is quite shocking for me. Maybe one day some racist person will shout that at my daughter.
I’ve gone off the whole term now and am no longer tempted to use it.

So people are basically saying that it would be okay for OP to call a theoretical white child of hers cheeky monkey but not her actual mixed race child? Ie treating him differently on the basis of his skin colour?

monkey isn't just a racial slur

But it is also used as a racial slur.

How would you react seeing someone call their young child a ‘cheeky bitch’. A bitch is just an animal, a female dog.

This is a good point.

Bitch is recognised as a universal swear word. 50% of the world is female and insulted by being called that. ‘Monkey’ is only used to abuse a small minority, therefore does not ‘feel’ as bad.

And this.

What people are saying is that calling a white child cheeky monkey would never be considered a racist term but it could be for a black or mixed raced child

It’s not really that difficult to understand

I'd listen carefully to what you are hearing here OP. Little things matter.

Chip on her shoulder nothing else to say.

The black lady is being racist IMO. I can undertsnad her being sensitive to the use of monkey, fair enough, but her comment to the OP about her child being an accessory is horrible. And a prejudice about white people which seems to be absurd and groundless. If you see a white woman with a brown or black child, of course you would assume that the child was their mixed race child and not picked as an accessory. So either this lady is hard of thinking or racist.

I have seen racism towards mixed marriages/relationships from both sides, sadly. Racism is not just a preserve of white people, however much left wing "right on" PC types like to imagine it is.

What I find interesting here is how hardly anyone in this thread has picked up on the other comment the black lady allegedly made to OP.

MirriVan

Yes- I think it is good to have honest conversations about racial sensitivity. Definitely. And I agree maybe the OP should not have used that term to her child in case anyone takes offence. But then that is her choice- I do think the public should stop judging women for the way they parent. I do not see why people need to intervene in other peoples' business so much.

The woman approaching you in that manner was wrong, even if she felt you were being racist. Her behaviour was uncalled for and inexcusable IMO.

I understand you meant it as you say, but it wouldn't harm you to acknowledge and try and understand the racist connotations when monkey is used towards black/mixed race people of any size and how some people may find it offensive.

I know many common phrases are PC gone mad, but this is the world we live in and having a conscious awareness is never a bad thing.