Just got told that I'm racist toward my own child

[jumpiin]

I was at the park with my son, not many people there just one other lady with her two kids. I smiled at her on the way in and she gave me a dirty look. Bit strange but just ignored it. I was playing and we were having a great time, we were laughing and I called him a cheeky monkey affectionately. This lady storms over to me and tells me not say that around her children (she was black for the record) she was very rude and stood right in my face. I asked her what the problem was and she gave me a big speech I can't exactly how she worded it as I'm fuming but she basically said, me calling my own baby a cheeky monkey was racist because he's mixed, she also said that I was ignorant and that I needed to educate myself because I know nothing about my own child's race. She then told me that I'm "just another one of those girls who thinks a brown baby is an accessory". She then stormed off and I've come straight home as the afternoon was ruined and I'm still reeling! I assume she made these assumptions because I'm white, I've taken the time to learn about my DPs culture and DS is learning to speak English and Swahili and as for seeing him as an accessory that's just ridiculous, he is the most precious and important thing in my life. Aibu to think that she was in the wrong here and that she is a part of the problem? And to think that I can call my child whatever I want as long as there's no malice behind it?!

Women was a nut job I think.

Monkeys are mischievous animals, like small children, hence the term 'cheeky monkey'. Monkey has been, and is still used as a racist term unfortunately, but is used in a completely different context.

Both me and dh have used the term with our dc, who are non white mixed race.

I would have given her a piece of my mind!

Sounds as if you were targeted for abuse because you are white with a mixed race child. She sounds pretty awful.

YANBU, she is mad.

Context is everything. A loving mum playing with her toddler at the park is obviously saying 'cheeky monkey' in an affectionate way. Football fans making monkey noises to black players are obviously being racially abusive.

@confusedandemployed

I’m not surprised really. Considering it’s black people that the whole monkey thing is usually aimed at.

DSD had a car sticker saying “cheeky monkey on board” when DGS was a baby.
If the woman had seen that she’d have shit herself.

Hmm, I'm white and live in a very white bit of the country: there were only a handful of mixed heritage or so kids at our primary. Even I know the term "monkey" is offensive to black people and I would never use it to describe someone black.

I'm not convinced by the OP though.

I don't call my kids cheeky monkeys, because I'm American. But I do call them my little monkeys. We're all white.

Does cheeky mean something else in America?

Of course you love your child.

Of course you are doing your best in raising a mixed-heritage child, including language and all sorts of other things.

Of course "cheeky monkey" is a very common expression used fondly by many loving parents towards their children.

But, but, but. I am going to swim a bit against the tide on this thread and say that, with the best will in the world, OP, for a white person to call a black child a "monkey", even with good intent, even with affection and love, is very racially loaded, and for you not to understand that means you still have a lot to learn.

I can understand you feeling defensive, but honestly, if you want to continue to do the best for your child, please do listen to other people who have much more experience of racism than you do. You might not always agree with them, but getting defensive and asking for validation from others about how mean they were to you really doesn't help either you or your child.

I don't normally resort to swearing, but that woman's mind is truly f**d up!

I'm astonished that anyone in the UK or on MN still genuinely does not know why monkey is an offensive term. Especially as this is a recurring topic on here.

Indeed.

I'm astonished that anyone in the UK or on MN still genuinely does not know why monkey is an offensive term. Especially as this is a recurring topic on here

I know its offensive.
If I called my OH a monkey I would be racist.
If I called one of my small children a cheeky monkey, I wouldn't be racist.

If someone yelled at my kids 'you fucking monkey' they would be racist.
If I coo'd at my baby 'who is a cheeky monkey' I would not be racist.

I wouldn't call anyone else's kid a cheeky monkey because I am aware that others might not like it.
Fucked if I would put up with someone lecturing me about the terms of endearment I use for my kids tho.

Wasn't there a huge rumpus recently when H&M had a black child in a shirt with 'monkey' written on it? They were told in no uncertain terms that they were insensitive and wrong.

This woman was unbelievably rude and aggressive but underneath that I can see where she's coming from.

You sound too polite to her, I certainly would have told her to mind her own, and that she had no right to interfere, she knows nothing about you or your child so she can jog on.

Ah, was it H&M, Rumpus? I thought on MN it was decided that people were making a fuss about nothing, but maybe I'm wrong.

for a white person to call a black child a "monkey", even with good intent, even with affection and love, is very racially loaded

The point, though, is that she DIDN'T say 'monkey'; she said 'cheeky monkey'. The full phrase, and the context, makes clear that the intention was not connected to anything racial.

Ruffian - I beg your pardon. That post was meant to be in response to yours.

@archeryannie I'm going to disagree with you. I don't have a lot to learn. Since being in a interracial relationship and having a mixed race child i have faced racism countless times in many forms and this is not it. I'm well aware of my privilege as a white person and know that there are certain things that I will never experience of fully grasp but calling my child a cheeky monkey in an affectionate way no matter the history of a word is not racist unless it is said as an insult. If I had said it to a white child would that be racist? Because surely separating the two and saying it's okay for one but not the other is creating an issue. Also you have no idea how much experience of racism I have and I'm doing just fine helping myself and my child by standing up against actual malicious racists thank you

Might change my name to Rumpus, quite like it

I didn't realise that was the MN verdict Jux - think the ad was pulled anyway wasn't it?

TomRavenscroft the OPs intentions matter, but they aren't the only thing under consideration here.