Just got told that I'm racist toward my own child

[jumpiin]

I was at the park with my son, not many people there just one other lady with her two kids. I smiled at her on the way in and she gave me a dirty look. Bit strange but just ignored it. I was playing and we were having a great time, we were laughing and I called him a cheeky monkey affectionately. This lady storms over to me and tells me not say that around her children (she was black for the record) she was very rude and stood right in my face. I asked her what the problem was and she gave me a big speech I can't exactly how she worded it as I'm fuming but she basically said, me calling my own baby a cheeky monkey was racist because he's mixed, she also said that I was ignorant and that I needed to educate myself because I know nothing about my own child's race. She then told me that I'm "just another one of those girls who thinks a brown baby is an accessory". She then stormed off and I've come straight home as the afternoon was ruined and I'm still reeling! I assume she made these assumptions because I'm white, I've taken the time to learn about my DPs culture and DS is learning to speak English and Swahili and as for seeing him as an accessory that's just ridiculous, he is the most precious and important thing in my life. Aibu to think that she was in the wrong here and that she is a part of the problem? And to think that I can call my child whatever I want as long as there's no malice behind it?!

MrsDV has it right. It can be a very problematic phrase but it isn't always. It's all about context. She was wrong to launch into that tirade as you weren't being any more racist to your child than I am when I call my white children monkeys. She may have been offended through being reminded of suffering racial slurs in her life so I do sympathise with her. I guess in summary it's problematic to use that phrase in public whatever your intentions are.

As ThefirstMrsD has said, she just might have issues with you being with a black man, she is the racist one here. None of her business, she was looking for a fight, some people are just always angry and on the look out for trouble.

Cheeky monkey is a blanket term used by many parents towards their child. A monkey is playful animal who can be cheeky or naughty. I often use the term to my white ds 6 who is cheeky, bouncy and naughty.

My kids are mixed, my partner is black. After the whole H&M monkey gate thing I had a conversation with him about it. I thought it was ridiculous and wouldn't have hesitated to put my kids in it. He understood the campaign against it and said he still winces when people call the kids little monkeys because it was used as a racist term against him when he was a little boy and he'd be chased off buses and down the street by older white boys yelling it at him. So she's probably projecting her experience on to you. I'm not saying it's acceptable - it isn't. He's your kid and you can affectionately call him whatever animal you choose, it's none of her business. And to say you're using him as an accessory is pure ignorance of your situation. I wouldn't waste energy on this, she's obviously hurting about something and I wouldn't take it personally at all. Ignore. xx

We call our mixed race (White and Asian) DS a cheeky monkey/little monkey.

I also go around repeating myself in two languages. ‘Well done! Bene!’ ‘Down the slide, Giu!’ The main languages spoken in my local playground are Polish, Spanish, and Sri Lankan though so no one cares.

DS always wants to play with the Spanish kids (I don’t think he knows it’s not Italian yet)

If this is genuine then, it's entirely up to you what nick names you use to refer to your children, however I'm struggling to believe you have no awareness of the racist undertones associated with calling a black child a monkey. It was all over the news earlier this year.

www.theguardian.com/fashion/2018/jan/08/h-and-m-apologises-over-image-of-black-child-in-monkey-hoodie

YANBU to be upset by how the lady in the park spoke to you.

YABVU if you're not aware of how some people may respond to overhearing you referring to your black child as a monkey.

Well it's up to you but as your son grows and suffers racial abuse you might cone to feel differently about the phrase. So may he.

I would have thought if you have a mixed race child you would be aware of racist terms that’s have been used and avoid them

Calling white children little/cheeky monkey doesn’t come along with the same horrible connotations

I agree wholeheartedly with @NurseButtercup, call your son affectionately what you want but you may have to prepare yourself for how others may react to it.

She was being very rude to you and to a total stranger is not on at all! I hope you're ok.

But to all the white people saying they call their kids that, that is fine but POC will define their own experience from that phrase, it's not your job to understand 'what all the fuss is about' or 'I lovingly call my kid(s) that all the time...' and compare it POC's thoughts/feelings on it.

I'm astonished that anyone in the UK or on MN still genuinely does not know why monkey is an offensive term. Especially as this is a recurring topic on here.

Agreed. And yes, the OP clearly had no racist intention whatsoever, but as someone else said, intentions aren't the only thing at play.

TomRavenscroft the OPs intentions matter, but they aren't the only thing under consideration here.

Why not? incase everyone has forgotten there is a genuine phrase known as 'cheeky monkey', meaning someone who is full of mischief. Its been used for years and still very much in circulation AND nothing whatsoever to with race. It is to do with the monkeys antics/playfulness. This is obviously what OP meant by her child.

Other ways of saying the same thing is:
'You little monkey!' meaning the same as above. (i can hear everyone gasp!)

BUT its all about context. Because the word 'Monkey' has been used to insult black people in the past. Its about engaging brain before speaking, 'Is there anyone black here who might mistakenly think I'm referring to them or abusing them or is there a chance using it might give a double meaning?

In my opinion and in this case the black woman was rather foolish storming over to someone who was clearly playing with their child. Its no ones elses business what playful term OP uses for her child.

I used to chase my dc around the house when they were small calling 'You cheeky monkeys i'm gonna catch you!' whilst they squealed with delight. We're all black.

I'm white and often call my white children cheeky monkeys- is it racist then?

@enthusiasmisdisturbed I would have thought that I could use any term of endearment I want with my child unless it's meant in an offensive way. @barbarianmum he's already suffered racial slurs multiple times and it makes me feel no different. My black DP calls him it more than I do so I assume he doesn't either. I am saying with love and affection not with hatred and ignorance there's a big difference

Are your white children subject to racism, Hippity? Should they do well in life when they are older, and get into positions of power, are they liable to be called "monkey face" or "an ape in heels", as Michelle Obama has been?

If not, then perhaps the two instances aren't comparable, hmmm?

Calling white children little/cheeky monkey doesn’t come along with the same horrible connotations

Rubbish. I am a 41 year old mixed race woman and I call our mixed race 4 year old a cheeky monkey.

Things like this undermine the real raciest issues I have faced. The real racist problems that people face.

Op the woman either had a massive chip on her shoulder or she got out the wrong side of bed. Don’t sweat it.

I'm inclined to think that, on the whole, a black woman is going to have a better understanding than a white woman, of what is or is not racist, regardless of the white woman's relationships.

I base this on my experience as a disabled person, of having more sensitivity than a non disabled person, as to what is offensive and disablist. My able bodied husband has some idea. I would still cringe at the idea of him telling a disabled person what they should be offended by.

My ds is mixed race, half indian. A close friend once was a bit sheepish when she said she had called him a cheeky monkey once when he was there, she said she realised it could be construed as racism. Luckily she knows me well enough to know i would not have taken it that way and neither would ds, it was definately an affectionate term

@archeryannie there's an unbelievable difference between 'ape in heels' which is vile an cheeky monkey. Which is the point, I, and many others are trying to make

You can call your child whatever you like

But a mixed raced child (as in one white one black parent) being called monkey in any form not matter how cute has different connotations than calling a white child monkey

It wouldn’t be acceptable for a teacher/nurse/doctor/nursery helper to refer to your child as monkey in any way

And it’s not down to you to choose what if offence, a child might not take offence when you but that isn’t to say when they get older they don’t cringe at their parents ignorance