Just got told that I'm racist toward my own child

[jumpiin]

I was at the park with my son, not many people there just one other lady with her two kids. I smiled at her on the way in and she gave me a dirty look. Bit strange but just ignored it. I was playing and we were having a great time, we were laughing and I called him a cheeky monkey affectionately. This lady storms over to me and tells me not say that around her children (she was black for the record) she was very rude and stood right in my face. I asked her what the problem was and she gave me a big speech I can't exactly how she worded it as I'm fuming but she basically said, me calling my own baby a cheeky monkey was racist because he's mixed, she also said that I was ignorant and that I needed to educate myself because I know nothing about my own child's race. She then told me that I'm "just another one of those girls who thinks a brown baby is an accessory". She then stormed off and I've come straight home as the afternoon was ruined and I'm still reeling! I assume she made these assumptions because I'm white, I've taken the time to learn about my DPs culture and DS is learning to speak English and Swahili and as for seeing him as an accessory that's just ridiculous, he is the most precious and important thing in my life. Aibu to think that she was in the wrong here and that she is a part of the problem? And to think that I can call my child whatever I want as long as there's no malice behind it?!

After reading over the thread and talking with DP (he still says it's fine and to ignore it all) I've decided that this can be a term we use in private and bot in front of others who may be offended by it to avoid another situation like this one

In Australia during the war there were lots of "There's a nasty nip in the air today" type "jokes". It was like Jerry and Hun for Germans. Probably best avoided around Japanese people......

I had no idea that the word 'nippy' was insulting to Japanese people, it's helpful to know that. This thread has been very informative.

Japanese people, not Chinese

It was specifically used around Chinatown...and I recall a fellow student saying it in reference to Chinese people years ago.

Her exact words were "it's a bit nippy round here" There were no Japanese people in sight.

samdy then they’ve got the wrong end of the stick. But then since most East Asians are deemed interchangeable in most people’s eyes, perhaps she didn’t even care abbout using the right racial insult.

I wouldn’t think twice about using nippy around Asians. I have never heard of anyone being offended by it unless people were genuinely saying ‘bit nippy’ as a sly way of referencing Asians while pretending to be talking about the weather. THEN it’s offensive. Genuinely just saying ‘bit nippy today’ - I wouldn’t think twice.

All depends on context. If someone asked me not to use that word around them, I would absolutely respect that.

Sandy- then she was racist and ignorant. The two often go together.

She told you that you’re child must be an accessory because you’re white and he’s mixed? Surely that’s racist itself!

The woman was rude and prejudiced towards you on first sight @jumpiin

Her comments towards you having a mixed race child were racist towards you imo.

I have never heard of anyone hurling "Cheeky Monkey!!" as racial abuse at a black person. Cheeky monkey is an affectionate term towards children in my experience.

I used to drive around with a car sticker Cheeky Monkey on board! My child was blonde haired and blue eyed! I'm now amazed I wasn't arrested for racism!!

failing cheeky monkey might not be used, but surely everyone has heard of black people being called monkey as a slur?

@ThisIsTheFirstStep of course, but that isn't of relevance here imo.

Completely different context where the op used "Cheeky Monkey" to her own child!
She didn't call him a Monkey as an insult to his race!!

A boy in my class at school was called 'Monkey boy' - guess what...he was white!!

Adults had called me “cheeky monkey”as a child as a way of hiding their racism. I was also just called monkey, made fun of when eating bananas etc etc. I got very used to the nuances of this issue.

Just because it’s only ever been an affectionate term for you, doesn’t mean it hasn’t been used as a slur to others. Just because you’ve never heard it used as a slur, doesn’t mean that it isn’t ever used as a slur. Look at the people hear learning about “nippy” for the first time.

I don’t think it’s so hard to even consider other people’s life experiences.

Obviously the OP’s situation is different and the woman that came up to her was unreasonable. But, I think it’s good to be aware that both “monkey” “cheeky monkey”and other monkey related terms can be seen as racist when used on black/mixed children.

failing well it is releveant, because it offends some people. If you don’t care that your phrasing offends people, fair enough, but some of us try to be more careful than that.

She's being an idiot I wouldn't worry. I once had an older black lady assault me walking through my own South London neighbourhood ( I'm a photographer, was walking back from a job with a serious looking camera over my shoulder) because she assumed I was some white kid there to photograph the "locals' in the market.( and so what if I was anyway). She was fouled mouthed, racist and left bruises. I was so shocked I ran off and never reported her. To this day I wonder what the F was going through her head and wish I'd gone to the police. You never really know what's going on in other people's heads to make them so angry- it's not you it's definitely them most of the time...

She was racist towards you OP and clearly has some issues, nothing you did. Sorry she messed up your morning, hope you are feeling better.

I used to use that phrase (cheeky monkey) as it was commonly used by all adults in my childhood. Between white people, about their own children, affectionately.

I used it with my children originally. However, I stopped after I once said it to the mixed race grandchild of a good friend in all innocence, and saw him look very upset and offended. I suddenly just knew, even though he didn't comment out loud.

The thing is, I didn't mean it to cause offence and in my past culture it didn't denote race at all. He saw it differently, no doubt because "monkey " as a term has been used to offend. It still is.

Once I thought it through and realised that it held different meanings, and some very unpleasant, for some people, it didn't seem a good phrase to use any more. So my continue? I dropped the phrase entirely.

That is why downthes I would never call other children that, and keep it to my kids in our own home.

I still don’t get why people are so determined to keep using expressions they know upset some people. I used the Paddy example earlier- once I realized it upset fil I realized that it might upset other Irish immigrants too so why would I keep using it?

Because people don't like being told what to do in the privacy of their own home and in their family. As I said, it is a universally accepted term of endearment.

Ah. The old Gollywog Principle at work again.

Incidentally, nobody is telling you what to do- they are pointing out that one course of action might be more empathetic and kind than another.

Re. the Irish comment:
But someone who is Patrick calls himself Paddy. Go figure.

“Re. the Irish comment:
But someone who is Patrick calls himself Paddy. Go figure.”

Sorry?