Do your ILs have keys to your house?

[snowballsandsunshine]

Long standing disagreement with the ILs which keeps getting brought up every so often.

I will not give keys to our house to my ILs (or my parents for that matter, but they don't care I don't have keys to their houses either!). I actually wouldn't give anyone a key out of choice at all, but I have given one to my cousin (who lives round the corner and is like my sister) just in case we ever get locked out or have an emergency. I gave it to her because I know she'd never, ever use it unless I asked her to. The ILs don't know my cousin has a key, they'd get really offended and cause a huge fuss.

My ILs always had a key to DHs house before I lived with him, which he took off them to give to me when I moved in (years ago now). I think he meant to get another cut for them but I said I didn't want people having keys to my home and he never did. We then bought a house together and they asked for one, and I (nicely) said no and explained we weren't giving keys to anyone.

My ILs are not bad people, they wouldn't be in my house stealing or anything like that. I'm just extremely private and I absolutely hate the thought that they could let themselves in. They wouldn't to do anything bad, but I wouldn't put it past them to do it if for example FIL wanted to borrow something out of DHs shed/toolbox and I wasn't here. Or - MIL being nice would let herself in when she knows I'm not here and do my housework because I'm pregnant and can't manage it with a toddler (not true, I am pregnant but I'm absolutely fine,
I'm in good health!). I can't bear the thought of someone folding my huge pregnancy pants or actually seeing my messy kitchen when I'm having a lazy day ha ha ha!

Anyway, it keeps getting mentioned. I stand firm and say no, DH does say 'Snow says no' but does try to get round me in private because he doesn't see an issue.

AIBU?

The catsitter has a key, as does one trusted friend. PILs and DPs? No way.

You could say your insurance doesn't allow you to hand out keys left right and centre - which might be true btw

Yes of course. I have a key to my sisters, my parents and my grandma. My parents and sister have a key to mine. None of us have ever used them but it means that someone else can get into the house if we need them to (emergency, accident etc) or if we lose our keys

My ILs don’t have a key to our house. I would never give them one. I value my privacy and don’t want them snooping!

Yep, my PIL have a key, my parents have a key, our cleaner and the NDN (in case I lock myself out again). I have absolutely no issue with that whatsoever, my PIL are lovely. But horses for courses, OP, if you're not comfortable then stick to your guns.

I can see why, depending in the circumstances people may not want anyone to have a key to their house.

My mother in law has a key to ours. She is here every morning as she brings my nephew to our house and takes him and our daughter to school. Her car and other things are left at ours and she gets back after we have left for work do needs to be able to get in.
My parents have one too. The sometimes need to pop in with our daughter on the day they pick her up from school.
Either of our parents will check the house if asked when we are away, and both have stayed at the house in the past if someone needed to be there for a delivery or workman.
We are lucky in that we get on well with both parents, and they get on well with each other.

I have a key to my parents and dh has one to his mum's, do we can let ourselves in to their houses too.

It depends entirely on the relationship and whether the person has the capacity to respect boundaries. With a toxic person who has no respect for anyone's boundaries, a key is a bad idea. With a supportive person who is fully trustworthy, it can be really practical.

According to the Association of British Insurers a policy claim could be invalid if it can be proved that keys got into the wrong hands through family, neighbours, friends or contractors doing work and so on.

"Sorry, PIL/Nosy neighbour, our insurers are very strict about key distribution, and if we were burgled could lose any right to claim."

Snookered

Ha, @iffyjiffybag that's a good one! Although I'm not going down the road of making excuses to them. They need to learn to accept that when I say no, I mean it!

We live in a very popular place in the Highlands, if we gave a key to my MIL she and her partner (who drives me insane) they would be letting themselves in to stop whenever we weren't around. I think giving a key gives the message that they're welcome and they have their feet under the table somewhat!

OP I think if you're uncomfortable losing your privacy then you're well in your right to refuse!

I live next door to my in-laws and we have keys to each other’s homes. No sweat. MIL looks after DS who is still at primary school and sometimes he wants to be at home, sometimes he’s happy to go to Grandma’s. When we go on holiday she will pop milk and bread and flowers in for us when we get back and I do the same for her. They were out last night and DH needed some tools for something so went round to borrow his Dad’s, let himself in and locked up behind. He did let his Dad know he had borrowed whatever it was, but it’s never an issue. If we’re out and MIL needs something, she knows she can let herself in. My own parents live 200 miles away now and have their own key just in case they ever need it.
Our friends 4 doors down have a key and we have one to theirs as well. Again, I would have no problem if they needed to borrow something and let themselves in. I have nothing to hide.

My MIL doesn’t. She lives hours away though. My DH wouldn’t want her to as when he lived at home she would always ‘accidentally’ open his mail and wander into his room without knocking, something she still does when we stay there.

My mother doesn’t even though she lives in the same town as me because I barely see her.

If we got locked out then I would call our landlord

My parents do, because they pick my children up after school and bring them home sometimes. My ILs live 500 miles away so don’t have keys.

I have keys to my parents house also. Neither of us would dream of entering the others house without a clear and pre-agreed reason. If they are away, I will text to let them know I am popping in to pick up post, water plants or leave bread and milk for their return. And vice versa.

I have nothing to hide.

It's not a question of having anything to hide. Some people have parents/PIL who see nothing wrong with letting themselves in to have a snoop, rummaging through drawers, reading private correspondence, rearranging the furniture, decorating in their own taste, throwing things out that they deem is not needed, inviting people to stay in your house when you're away (as has been mentioned a couple of times on here) the list goes on.

It's about respect, having boundaries that aren't crossed, and privacy.

It's not about having anything to hide, really, it's about trusting the person you give a key to.

So far, the opnly people with keys to our home are 1 set at the agents, and 1 set each in the hands of the three people who live here. No spares elsewhere.

If I owned my home, I'd have 1 set in a hidden keysafe in the garden. No need for anyone else to have a key. My ExMIL would have had a look at stuff lying around, and she would talk to anyone about any private business.

I have nothing to hide.

I still like my privacy and I don’t want MIL poking through my stuff. It shouldn’t be much to ask

Agree with Sweetpea. Why do they want a key? If it was for a specific thing like every Wednesday morning they walked your dog, fine. If they just want a key, then it does seem that they want to be able to have access when you’re not there, and who would want that? I’d turn it round. Instead of replying “no” to them having a key, just ask in a really puzzled tone, “but why do you want a key?”

Yes as they feed the pets whilst we are on holiday and regularly look after the children so would sometimes need to pick something up.

Personally I think everyone should leave a spare key with a trusted friend or relative as things happen such as accidents where they may need to access your house to get things in an emergency. Years ago my cousin was in a car crash whilst on holiday and the whole family was in hospital - her parents had to break in to get clean clothes, contact details for employers etc.

No way!
My in laws are very lovely in most ways. But for my home to feel like a home, it needs to be private.
Op you mentioned being less relaxed than many people about privacy. The goal in life is not to be as much like others as possible, be true to yourself. The parcel opening is awful, o would have been so cross.

No but then they live 3000 miles away! My MIL is ace but she is the type to let herself in and do your cleaning/organise your wardrobe etc. Comes from a kind place but I don't like it. No double standards as my parents don't do that!

My in laws don't have a key to my house, but my husband's in-laws do!

(that is, my mum does, but his mum doesn't as she'd never come here without us being here)

Nope. MIL sadly passed away some years ago, but I would have happily given her a key. She was awesome and I had a very good relationship with her and I know she wouldn't have overstepped. We don't see FIL so it's not an issue. My parents live very far away and don't travel so they don't need one. We have alternative arrangements in place in case of being locked out etc.

MIL actually said to me "I don't know how often we would use a key to your place" when we bought our home (hundreds of miles away from her).

I was like because one hadn't been offered and no one in my family has one!

Personally I think everyone should leave a spare key with a trusted friend or relative

I do too, but the key word is 'trusted'. And none of the people who have a key to my house (a neighbour, a friend who lives nearby, my cleaner) ever agitated for one.

YANBU but I think it is a bit of a pointless question. We all have different lives, different circumstances, different in laws so what works for one may not work for another. You don't want your in laws to have a key, you don't see the need for them to have one that is absolutely fine just annoying that your in laws don't seem to understand the word "no"

In my situation my in laws live in another country, when they come to stay we give them a key obviously because they are staying with us! My parents have a key they live close and my mum sometimes helps with bringing kids to school if I have to go to work early or collect kids from school if I am late so her having a key is necessary tbh if she didn't do any of this I am sure I would still let her have one even though the ninny is always setting off my alarm by accident