Do your ILs have keys to your house?

[snowballsandsunshine]

Long standing disagreement with the ILs which keeps getting brought up every so often.

I will not give keys to our house to my ILs (or my parents for that matter, but they don't care I don't have keys to their houses either!). I actually wouldn't give anyone a key out of choice at all, but I have given one to my cousin (who lives round the corner and is like my sister) just in case we ever get locked out or have an emergency. I gave it to her because I know she'd never, ever use it unless I asked her to. The ILs don't know my cousin has a key, they'd get really offended and cause a huge fuss.

My ILs always had a key to DHs house before I lived with him, which he took off them to give to me when I moved in (years ago now). I think he meant to get another cut for them but I said I didn't want people having keys to my home and he never did. We then bought a house together and they asked for one, and I (nicely) said no and explained we weren't giving keys to anyone.

My ILs are not bad people, they wouldn't be in my house stealing or anything like that. I'm just extremely private and I absolutely hate the thought that they could let themselves in. They wouldn't to do anything bad, but I wouldn't put it past them to do it if for example FIL wanted to borrow something out of DHs shed/toolbox and I wasn't here. Or - MIL being nice would let herself in when she knows I'm not here and do my housework because I'm pregnant and can't manage it with a toddler (not true, I am pregnant but I'm absolutely fine,
I'm in good health!). I can't bear the thought of someone folding my huge pregnancy pants or actually seeing my messy kitchen when I'm having a lazy day ha ha ha!

Anyway, it keeps getting mentioned. I stand firm and say no, DH does say 'Snow says no' but does try to get round me in private because he doesn't see an issue.

AIBU?

NO! I think it weird they'd ask! Different if you offered "Oh here's a spare key incase we get locked out" sort of thing but to ask!? Nope. Mine would never be offered and would not ask.

it keeps getting mentioned

That, right there, is why you shouldn't give them a key to your house.

You've told them you're not comfortable with anyone having a key to your house, but they keep bringing it up and putting pressure on you. They clearly don't respect your boundaries, and think they know better than you.

Next time they mention it tell them the subject is not up for discussion.

(My in laws don't have a key to my house either. Never will have.)

My in-laws used to but we fell out with MiL and she's never been to our current house so things changed massively. My parents don't either as we have a key safe outside in case of emergency. We have keys to all parents' houses at their request.

*They want a key 'because that's what families do'.

As this thread demonstrates, no they don't. My parents had a key to our first flat just because they live near and it was convenient in case one of us forgot our key or we needed someone to wait in for workmen etc if we couldn't do it. We didn't bother when we moved house, though we still lived nearby, and it's never been a problem.

What if they NEED to come in one day?

Why on earth would they NEED to? If my in-laws and parents have managed for years without coming into my house, I don't see why yours would be any different. And if they did, why would it be such an emergency that it couldn't wait a day or two till someone would be in or you could get a key to them? If it were a snowballs-collapsed-on-the-floor situation, the emergency services could break in if they couldn't get the key off your cousin.

Like any other question, it depends on how a particular person behaves.

There is no law to say you should or shouldn't.

My parents and DH have access to my location at all times in Trusted Contacts. It gives them peace and I know they would never abuse it. No way in a million years would I give that info to my in-laws because they would just start stalking us and showing up where we were.

Of course not. I can't think of a single reason why they would need one.

They do but thy're well behaved!
Mil (widowed) has a key and once she was visiting and I came home from work to find her sitting in the car outside, desperate for a wee! I said "oh I thought you had a key" and she was horrified at the idea of letting herself in!
Cleaner also has a key, and there's one hidden in a drawer at work in case I have an emergency so could then explain where it is.

MIL has a key - she lives 25 miles away in the middle of the arse end of the back of beyond.... but often pops into town here,

if she wants she can pop in and use the loo and clean the bathroom or have a cuppa before she heads home and clean the kitchen she may just sit in the garden for an hour - our garden is nice and restful and she weeds it too

Now some people may see it as an invasion of privacy, or a personal insult on cleanliness/tidyness etc -

I think - she wants to clear up and do jobs for free, or in return for use of the house she can go for it. We get on well.

My parents have one, don't have in laws, they ramble and often phone to say they have stopped for a cuppa at mine. Usually to moan that I don't have any cake or biscuits. I guess it all depends what sort of relationship you have with them.

In the same way I work near my parents and often have my lunch there even if they are out.

OnTheRise is right. It's the fact that they keep on about it that massively puts me off. Keep saying no.

My MIL doesn't have a key to our house. Nor do my parents. Neighbours do in case of emergency/lock out and we reciprocate.

No-one else.

No, we have one of these fake rocks that you can hide a spare key in. Hidden in our garden. For an emergency. I really wouldn't feel comfortable giving someone a key.

I don't have a key to any of my adult children's houses but they still all have keys to ours.

My parents, sister and brother do but that's because they will offer to take the dog out if we aren't at home. I have a key for their houses for the same reason. But non of them would abuse it, my sister even rang me one day to see if my niece could use the toilet at my house as she was having plumbing work done and had the water off, she would never just let herself in without asking.
DPs family don't have keys, but they have no need for one either.

My mum and MiL had keys to our house but neither of them was the type to let themselves in to poke around or. Dad and FiL did not. Dad was disabled and didn't go anywhere without Mum. FiL had a key at one time but had 'boundary issues' and let himself in a couple of times when DS2 was bf and I didn't answer the door. He would never snoop and didn't mean to be intrusive, it just wouldn't have occurred to him that it was impolite.

Bless her, I remember that when we were headed home from holiday MiL always used to let herself in on the morning of our return to turn on the AC so the house was nice and cool when we got home. She said she remembered how awful it was to be unpacking and settling in with the house all hot. Average temp during the summer was 100+f so I was fine with it!

You could always get a key safe to keep your spare key in.

The problem with that is, the kind of people we are discussing would use it to get a key cut.

I do agree with a PP though, your DH needs to stop saying “Snow says no”. He needs to say “the answer is no and please stop asking”.

My mum has a key and so does MIL. We have keys to their houses too. We let ourselves in at theirs and my mum lets herself in at ours. MIL still knocks even though I keep telling her to just come in.
I tend to know roughly when they're coming though so I maybe wouldn't be so comfortable if they kept popping in while I was sitting around in just my bra and pants!

"The answer is no and please stop asking." This.

Sorry but most families don't go through each other's post. As I said previously, most of my family have keys for my house as I have for them but we don't open each others post or go through belongings. 99.9% of the time visits are pre-arranged.

No chance. My mum and her partner and also my dad used to have keys back before I moved to my current house, but it got to the point where I'd come home from work and they would all be sat there.
Also my dad once let himself in while I was in the bath and frightened the life out of me. So no one is having keys!

Sorry but most families don't go through each other's post.

Hopefully not Soap but it’s not that uncommon either. Look at this thread and the “what do you hide” thread.

DH gave his mother a key to our house for emergencies and one to my aunt who is like my sister. I've since added an extra lock for which she does not have a key, because she was using it to just let herself in....once while I was asleep on the sofa with my newborn, she stood there breathing heavily over us and then went through to the dining room and kitchen. I was livid but pretended to still be asleep as I couldn't face the confrontation so soon after the baby was born. Anyway, it's your bloody house, I wouldn't give anyone else a key either!

My bestie has a key, mainly because she lives round the corner so handy if I leave home to do the school run and realise I have shit the door without my key in my hand which I did once!

Sometimes I'll come home and there will be wine and nibbles in the fridge because she wants a catch-up later and doesn't want to carry the loot round (catch up invariably means prolonged piss-up) 😂. Or if I've ordered something using her John Lewis partner discount and she drops it off on the way home from work and I think "how did that parcel get there" before remembering she has a key.

The lazy cow never does my cleaning though 🤨

I don't like it and when we move to our new home we won't be giving one. It makes me really uncomfortable.

After your husband had his birthday surprise, did you point out that when FIL had opened your parcels, you were worried that the "surprise" parcel was amongst them, and that parcels not addressed to FIL should not be opened by him? I would have.

The fact that they keep asking, is a red flag. They don't respect your boundaries.

I like the idea of giving them an old key. If they try to let themselves in, they can't really complain that they couldn't get in, because it would show them up for trying to get into your house without your knowledge. It will also stop them from asking, because they can't admit that they know the key doesn't work.

My ILs don't have a key, although our neighbour does, because he feeds the cats for us when we go away. My husband wouldn't want them to have a key anyway, because they're very judgey. We've had to make sure the door is locked all the time now, as they have a habit of just walking in.

Stick to your guns.