Do your ILs have keys to your house?

[snowballsandsunshine]

Long standing disagreement with the ILs which keeps getting brought up every so often.

I will not give keys to our house to my ILs (or my parents for that matter, but they don't care I don't have keys to their houses either!). I actually wouldn't give anyone a key out of choice at all, but I have given one to my cousin (who lives round the corner and is like my sister) just in case we ever get locked out or have an emergency. I gave it to her because I know she'd never, ever use it unless I asked her to. The ILs don't know my cousin has a key, they'd get really offended and cause a huge fuss.

My ILs always had a key to DHs house before I lived with him, which he took off them to give to me when I moved in (years ago now). I think he meant to get another cut for them but I said I didn't want people having keys to my home and he never did. We then bought a house together and they asked for one, and I (nicely) said no and explained we weren't giving keys to anyone.

My ILs are not bad people, they wouldn't be in my house stealing or anything like that. I'm just extremely private and I absolutely hate the thought that they could let themselves in. They wouldn't to do anything bad, but I wouldn't put it past them to do it if for example FIL wanted to borrow something out of DHs shed/toolbox and I wasn't here. Or - MIL being nice would let herself in when she knows I'm not here and do my housework because I'm pregnant and can't manage it with a toddler (not true, I am pregnant but I'm absolutely fine,
I'm in good health!). I can't bear the thought of someone folding my huge pregnancy pants or actually seeing my messy kitchen when I'm having a lazy day ha ha ha!

Anyway, it keeps getting mentioned. I stand firm and say no, DH does say 'Snow says no' but does try to get round me in private because he doesn't see an issue.

AIBU?

Given your update I wouldn't give them a key either

Hell no. Although we think they’ve got one.
MIL has crowed to my mother that she stole our key to the last flat and had a copy cut after she was relieved of it last time. Again this time a key went missing when they were here. They’re serial snoopers and have no boundaries.

My parents are very respectful of privacy and I’d be happy for them to have a key, and friends who live locally have one (and we do theirs) so we can keep an eye on the place if someone is away.

If we ever replace the locks (which would cost about a grand) we will get the ones you need a code to cut new ones.

The continued pressure for a key would make me very suspicious tbh.

My PIL have had a key to our home for 20 years. It never occurred to us that they would come in without permission, which is why we were so appalled when they did.

I now wonder whether it’s not the first time they have done so.

My inlaws used to let themselves in and do all sorts of ‘helpful ‘ jobs when they were younger. I really disliked it, especially the way I was expected to notice that MIL had vacuumed under the sofa or scrubbed the bin and be so exceedingly grateful.

Now we have keys to FIL ( MIL has died) and it simply wouldn’t occur to me to let myself in without an invitation.

Keep firm. There is no need, thank you.

Yes, my ILs have a key to our house and we have a key to there house. They wouldn't dream of letting themselves in unannounced and I'd soon have the key off them if they did!

It is useful if we need them to come round for a gas engineer etc as we both work FT and they are retired.

My mum does have a key and she NEVER uses it. She always rings the doorbell. She's not comfortable using it unless it's an emergency with permission!

You don't have to give a key to them if you don't want to. Weird that they're pushing it, actually!

Depends. In your case, no, not unreasonable at all to not let them have keys!
However, my parents, in-laws, sister in law all have a key. Mostly because parents and in-laws do pick up DS for us from school and it often makes sense to come back to our house (1 min walk from school) than take him home. Sister in law we are very close to and we also share a car, they only live a few streets away so it is helpful if we get locked out to have a spare we can walk to get!

My ExMIL had a key to the house I shared with my now ExH. Was only to be held onto incase we lost ours or an emergency or to feed the fish if we went on holiday.

Came home one day to find her and my Ex Sil sat in our kitchen. Had the key back the following day.

Mine do at the moment, but I have new doors going in Friday and the locks need a code card to get copies made, so they're definitely not getting one!

All my family have keys to my house and can come and go as they like.
The ones that don't have keys, as would lose them (teenage Gc) have access to hidden key.
Exh has key and if he calls round for a coffee and I'm not in he can make himself one while I get back. He likes to sit in my garden as he's moved to a flat.
I have keys to Dd house and Exh flat.
It's just how we are, one big happy family.

In your case yanbu or weird.

My in laws have a key to ours because they live a 10 minute walk away so easy to get the key if we forget it. They are extremely polite and would never ever dream of coming in if we haven’t invited them so I’m ok with it. My mum isn’t much further away but I know she’d end up popping in randomly so she doesn’t have a key.

My IL live 60 miles away, so no they don’t have a key. If they lived nearer, I’m not sure I would want them having a key anyway! But my parents live a 5 minute drive away and they have a key and I have the key for their house. I work part time so am around at home more than my DH, and my parents help with the kids during the school holidays.

We've given them two. The second because they couldn't remember having had the first. Whether they still have either is anyone's guess.

We dont have the key to theirs. We know a neighbour does but that might not help. They also have an alarm and a safe. We have no idea where keys are or what codes are should they be needed. In laws are late 80s....

I think repeatedly asking or hinting they want a key is the weird bit.

I might offer a key (unlikely but who knows) but I wouldn't take kindly to being told I must offer a key.

What do they need it for?

Mine do but they do some childcare and are very helpful to us.

I used to get frustrated with them coming in without warning, but that has got better over time (or I've been worn down!). Still uncomfortable with finding neatly folded piles of laundry on bed though.

My PIL have keys but They’re on their last warning for it and if they abuse our privacy again, then we’d ask for it back.

We gave it to them for “in case of emergencies” and they used to take out our bins if we were away but then when I’d come back they would have rifles through my things, “cleaned” things, reorganised cupboards. I told them if they did that again, they wouldn’t have the key any longer.

When I was in hospital giving birth to DD, they let themselves in so they could wait until we got home. In the meantime they have rummaged through my personal “post birth” stuff, “cleaned” stuff that didn’t need cleaning and annoyed our dogs.

I wouldn’t have minded if they had been helpful but it just felt like a massive invasion of privacy

No, well, BIL does but he doesn’t really count because he lives here :o

MIL used to have one to our old house which she used a few times just to drop some things off if we were out. But I was never comfortable with it because she’s an interfering cow. Dropping things off does not involve going upstairs and opening curtains, or washing pots and putting them away in all the wrong places. Evidently she didn’t get that memo

When BIL moves out no doubt she will expect to be given his key but she’ll be sadly disappointed.

My dad has a key for our house (Mum died last year, MIL 20 years ago and FIL 14 years ago) and so does BIL. I’d gouge out my own eyes with a teaspoon before I’d give one to SIL or my brother.

So I guess from that, only give keys to people you know you can trust would be my contribution.

I’m at the cheek of some people’s ILs reading this though!

My Mil has a key, but she wouldn’t dream of doing any of the stuff you described.
Have you challenged their request? i.e. ‘why do you keep asking?’

@Hortonlovesahoo That's exactly what my ILs would do when I go in to have this baby! They'd be in to clean and waiting for us when we got home. My DM will be here when we get home, but only because she's looking after DD when I go into hospital and she won't stay long when we get back. The last thing I'm going to want after a CS (I know I'm having one) is a reception committee when I get back.

YANBU - no way would I do this.

I agree with PP, saying "It's what families do" is weird. Just say "well it isn't what this family is doing."

You know they are boundary busting so you need to keep them at bay

Lord no!! Wouldn't give a key to anyone other than those that live there!

My ex PILs had a copy of our key, and I absolutely hated it. DH didn't see a problem with it and made out I was the weird one. MIL would let herself into my house to pop to the toilet if she was in our village or she would ask if she could bring a friend over for a coffee if I was out...why FFS???! I really think she felt that anything we had was an extension of what belonged to her. The second DH and I split up, I had that key back immediately. I can't describe the relief. My new partner is even more private than I am (his dad has never even been invited to his home, ever) and was utterly horrified at the thought of anyone having a copy of a house key.