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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do your ILs have keys to your house?

187 replies

snowballsandsunshine · 24/04/2018 14:06

Long standing disagreement with the ILs which keeps getting brought up every so often.

I will not give keys to our house to my ILs (or my parents for that matter, but they don't care I don't have keys to their houses either!). I actually wouldn't give anyone a key out of choice at all, but I have given one to my cousin (who lives round the corner and is like my sister) just in case we ever get locked out or have an emergency. I gave it to her because I know she'd never, ever use it unless I asked her to. The ILs don't know my cousin has a key, they'd get really offended and cause a huge fuss.

My ILs always had a key to DHs house before I lived with him, which he took off them to give to me when I moved in (years ago now). I think he meant to get another cut for them but I said I didn't want people having keys to my home and he never did. We then bought a house together and they asked for one, and I (nicely) said no and explained we weren't giving keys to anyone.

My ILs are not bad people, they wouldn't be in my house stealing or anything like that. I'm just extremely private and I absolutely hate the thought that they could let themselves in. They wouldn't to do anything bad, but I wouldn't put it past them to do it if for example FIL wanted to borrow something out of DHs shed/toolbox and I wasn't here. Or - MIL being nice would let herself in when she knows I'm not here and do my housework because I'm pregnant and can't manage it with a toddler (not true, I am pregnant but I'm absolutely fine,
I'm in good health!). I can't bear the thought of someone folding my huge pregnancy pants or actually seeing my messy kitchen when I'm having a lazy day ha ha ha!

Anyway, it keeps getting mentioned. I stand firm and say no, DH does say 'Snow says no' but does try to get round me in private because he doesn't see an issue.

AIBU?

OP posts:
WeaselsRising · 24/04/2018 15:55

ILs had a key for emergencies and for holiday cat feeding. FIL could never quite grasp the concept of privacy and whenever he popped round (which could be up to 4 times a week) he would come in with his key, rather than knocking.

The evening he decided to do that when me and the DC had all had baths and were sitting in the living-room watching TV in our PJs, DH having already gone off to work, was the catalyst to get the key back.

The arrangement of that house was that the living room was at the back, at the end of the hall. Once we heard the door open there was nowhere to go except outside. Not only did it frighten us to death I really didn't appreciate sitting there in a nightie with FIL there.

Babdoc · 24/04/2018 15:57

I was v touched when my DD and her boyfriend handed me a key to their new house. I’d never asked for one! I assured them I’d never barge in on them without ringing the doorbell first, if they were at home.
The key is handy when I’m meeting up with them after their work. I live 50 miles away, and need to drive down to their city before the rush hour makes it impossible, so I arrive at the house an hour before they do.
It’s v useful to have the key so I can pop in, make a cup of tea, use the loo and do a bit of cleaning for them while I wait.
I’ve also gone in when asked to water their plants while they’ve been on holiday.
They also have a key for my house, and have since DD was 9.
I think a lot depends on how good your relationship is and where your boundaries are.
I was horrified to hear of PPs’ parents who open their post etc - that’s quite shocking.

LightDrizzle · 24/04/2018 15:59

YANBU!
My mum had a key to my house, because she asked. When I was away she brought my then CO brother to look around it because he moaned at her that he’d never seen it. The same brother that had previously broken windows to get into her house when he’s turned up high and not been able to get in, who had stolen from her house on multiple occasions and broken things throwing them in a rage.
Her house is in the sticks, mine was easily accessible, which is why I didn’t want him to know where I lived, which Mum knew full well.
She didn’t tell me she’d done it, I found out from him.
She hasn’t had a key to any of my houses since, despite asking.

CurbsideProphet · 24/04/2018 16:00

Definitely not! MIL means well, but she would almost certainly let herself in to do housework when she was bored. When she had a key to our rental a few years ago she let herself in while we were away for the weekend and took our washing. I don't even want my own mother to wash my knickers!

TheBlueDanube · 24/04/2018 16:01

This is a family/cultural thing - some families give out loads of keys and don't see an issue, others don't and can't get it at all. Never the twain....

Get a little key safe (25 quid or so from amazon) and attach to the wall with a spare key inside. Assure them you'll text them the code if they ever needed to get in in an emergency. It is useful if you get locked out. You can change the code as much as you need.

You will need this anyway when your baby goes to secondary school and regularly forgets his/her keys!

MissWilmottsGhost · 24/04/2018 16:02

Yes my ILs have a key. My DM does not.

I trust my ILs to only use the key in an emergency, if we are expecting them to visit and are late home, or if we are away and have asked them to check on the house/feed the fish/water the plants. The key bit of that is that we trust them.

I don't trust DM. She is the sort to just pop in for some reason. And the reason would be either nosiness or because I am her child and therefore she feels entitled to help herself to my privacy.

Coveredinbeeeeeeeeeeeees · 24/04/2018 16:03

Mine do but it took 4 years for me to get one cut. It's an in case of emergency key really but also they'll be feeding our cat when we go away.

Adversecamber22 · 24/04/2018 16:12

He opened your post! no way would they be getting a key.

YessicaHaircut · 24/04/2018 16:14

YANBU OP and definitely stick to your guns!

My mum has a key and waters plants for us when we go on holiday. I think she let herself in once when I was late getting home to meet her, but she asked me first! My sis also has one but that’s for our benefit; she lives within walking distance so we asked if we could give them a key in case we got locked out.

ILs don’t have keys and have never asked us for copies. FIL in particular tends to lose anything that isn’t nailed down so doubt they’d have them long anyway!

BlackWatchBelle · 24/04/2018 16:18

TattyDevine That made me chuckle Grin

FizzyGreenWater · 24/04/2018 16:19

Oh yes to giving a key. But not one for your house.

Then sit back and wait for them to query 'Are you sure this is the right key, dear?'

'Oh I'm sure it is, MIL. Why do you ask?'

a truly terrible silence as MIL realises that she cannot possibly say that she raced around to try to get in at the first chance she got, and the key didn't work.

You might have to let your DH know though, and I'm sure he'd think it a bit inflammatory!

LRL2017 · 24/04/2018 16:20

Mine do but we only did this because I had a stage of being unwell and did it in case we ever needed them to let our dog out when I was in hospital

iknowimcoming · 24/04/2018 16:24

YADNBU - my ils used to have a spare key and would simultaneously ring the bell and let themselves in which I hated (particularly when I was breastfeeding) I once saw dmil walking down our path with her arm outstretched with the key in her hand, lord knows what they expected to catch me doing but anyway I hated it, sadly one day mil had her bag snatched with our keys in it (because she always carried them with her AngryAngry) and we had to get our fecking locks changed so dh refused to give them a set after that GrinGrinGrin

CheeseTheDay · 24/04/2018 16:24

They did until last year, when while we were away on our summer holiday, they had offered up our home to some of MIL's family (her cousin's daughter, and the daughter's husband and children) to stay in for a fortnight (they were visiting from overseas).

MIL did tell us, when we got back, and I knew as soon as she said, "I didn't tell you this before you went, and don't be angry..." that I was going to be angry with whatever followed.

Member984815 · 24/04/2018 16:28

No , neither my parents or my mil has a key and that's the way it'll stay. My 2 brothers have a key for emergencies. They wouldn't ask either. My Nan had a key to our house as a child but totally abused it by bringing people through the house my mother changed the locks and didn't give her another , her other son took his house key off her because she went through his post and private documents. I couldn't stand the thought of someone entering my home without me knowing

eggcellent · 24/04/2018 16:30

He opened your packages? Fuck that, the man clearly has boundary issues and you have every right to not feel on edge in your own home! Have a stern word with your DP about putting on a united front; it needs to be "we don't want anyone to have a key".

Strawberry2017 · 24/04/2018 16:32

My MIL has a variety of different excuses as to why she can't possibly come to our house which means we have to go to hers which I hate as it stinks of cigarettes and I hate taking my 4 month old there.
My parents have a key but I trust them and sometimes they collect my dog for me.
I think if it makes you uncomfortable then don't give them a key, the fact it keeps coming up makes me suspicious coz why can't they just accept it? Why do they need to keep asking.
Leads me to think you are right not to trust them.

DGRossetti · 24/04/2018 16:32

a truly terrible silence as MIL realises that she cannot possibly say that she raced around to try to get in at the first chance she got, and the key didn't work.

That's not how CFs work though.

You can bet your life that when she does discover she has a dud key, she will invent some ludicrous tale that will make you look bad because she couldn't get into your house "when it was really important".

If she's as batshit as my MiL, I wouldn't put it past her to burn the house down, just to be in the right.

BewareOfDragons · 24/04/2018 16:33

I think I'm so uncomfortable with it because their boundaries are a bit fudged. What they feel is helpful, I feel is invasive. For example, when we bought this house before we moved in FIL was doing some paid work here (it's his job he's a tradesman). Some parcels arrived which contained house stuff - lamps/kitchen stuff etc by around the same time I'd actually ordered some nice undies and ahem, fun toys, for DHs birthday treat. FIL opened all the parcels and went through them to check that none of the stuff inside was broken. He thought this helpful and I can see his point but I felt like it was a massive invasion of privacy to open our parcels without being asked and was so relieved so find that our fun parcel hadn't been delivered that day. I'd have been so embarrassed.

He opened your parcels and went through them?!?

No way would he ever be allowed in my house alone again, let alone have his own key.

Does your DH know what he could have opened had it arrived at the same time? That alone should have him saying 'NO', not 'Snow says no.'

smudgedlipstick · 24/04/2018 16:34

My in laws have a key to or house, incase we get locked out or for an emergency of some sort, on the odd occasion I have forgotten to pack something important for dd whilst I'm at work, I will ask them to go in and get it. They would never go in without our permission or us asking. No one else has a key as it's not needed. I think it's helpful for them to, if you make t clear they are not to enter your house without your permission - not that you should have to specify that, it should be obvious!

Aprilmightbemynewname · 24/04/2018 16:34

My adult dc both have a key for my house and I have a key to both of theirs. They decided to give me one. Only use it when I go to clean as/when requested!

allchangenochange · 24/04/2018 16:38

Yes. Family live a way from house but they have keys.

PositivelyPERF · 24/04/2018 16:38

Oh OP, I really hope you haven’t given your in laws the date you’re having your baby! From the sounds of things they will be waiting on your sofa when you get home. Is your mum strong enough to refuse them entry when they arrive?

willynillypie · 24/04/2018 16:39

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no x 10,000,000 and then some.

My MIL used to have a key and used it to let herself in and leave fucking household decorative items as if I hadn't decorated well enough, and to check the contents of the fridge to see if DH was being fed properly. We took it away and she resorted to phoning our cleaner to get her to check what was in the fridge. The only way she would get it again would be to pry it out of my cold, dead hands.

My mother has a key because 1) she lives round the corner and 2) she isn't fucking insane. When she comes to visit she doesn't even bring it with her as she would never presume to let herself in.

Your ILs sound like they have 0 boundaries.

PositivelyPERF · 24/04/2018 16:39

You need to have a discussion regarding visits or you’ll end up looking after them while they hold your baby. Just check out some of the threads on here to see how family can overstep boundaries.

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