to cancel DD birthday sleepover?

[LurpakIsTheOnlyButter]

DD 12 has been stealing treats from the cupboard. I caught her red handed a while back and she lied to my face and we had a big talk about being deceitful and stealing (she also took her sisters Christmas chocs).

At the time I removed her phone as punishment and explained that I don't allow my children to eat treats all day long because they are unhealthy, there is always fruit available if snacks are needed after school etc. The DCs are allowed treats, just not 2 chocolate biscuits right before tea,
and certainly not every day.

I moved all the treats to a high cupboard to make them less accessible and DD spent her own money to buy a gift to replace sisters stolen sweets. I thought that was the end of it.

Last night I caught her doing the same again. Then immediately after removing her phone I caught her with an iPad which she is not allowed mid week and tried to hide. Again she lied when caught red handed.

This morning I am fairly sure she has been in the cupboard again and I told her yesterday one more strike this week and I would cancel her birthday sleepover this weekend.

This feels very mean to me but I think I need to follow through, nothing else seems to get through to her that this is unacceptable. So AIBU? WWYD?

My mother was like you when I was young. I have an awful relationship with food and vowed to be different with DS.

In our house he can have whatever he wants. Fruit, veg, sweets and crisps. I do draw the line at fizzy drinks though.

When he wants something he gets it but I can hand on heart say when he helps himself he will usually get a punnet of tomatoes or strawberries/raspberries or an apple instead of unhealthy things. I think by not making it an issue then it doesn’t become one.

I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone eating in their own home is classed as stealing though. May be she’s premenstural. Have you actually sat down and asked her why? And listened?

And the iPad thing too. You are very controlling IMO OP.

We don't do 'treats' in our house. The kids basically eat what they want, surprise surprise they don't see sweets biscuits etc as any thing special and consequently don't eat them much.

Also, 12 year olds don't care to hear about health and trust issues.
They want sugar, they don't give a rats ass about the consequences. So using that will not work. (In my experience at least!).
If I didn't tell my 11 year old to brush his teeth every night, then he wouldn't do it. Purely because he doesn't care about the conveyances.
Telling your daughter there are health risks that come with eating a biscuit is useless and scaremongering.
Provide her with alternatives, like Home-baked brownies/biscuits that don't contain any nasties, fruit won't settle her cravings at this age. :)

OP apologies, I jumped a page and missed your page 7 update.

Very harsh.

All our food is "family food".

And i don't punish- it simply teaches kids to lie.

OP has already said that, upon reflection, she's not going to cancel her dd's birthday sleepover.

It does sound like PMS is a possibility, OP, which can feel very out of control especially when you don't understand what it is.

Best of luck OP.

Could you have a choc tub each, share everything out and then 'when it's gone, it's gone'. Then if she steals one of her sisters from her tub then she just repays it from her share from the next shop?

She might enjoy having charge of her own, and might start to think more about eating wisely through the week so she doesn't run out. You could include things like nice rice cakes such as snack-a-jacks or those big dried fruit assortments with nuts and a few yoghurt/chocolate coated ones mixed in. Maybe some nice yoghurts like muller fruit corner? Rather than tiny clubs or kitkats, not filling and just whet the whistle for an all out sugar binge

I hope you do cancel the sleepover and she goes into school and tells her friends why in front of a teacher!

You are so controlling over food is it any wonder she's trying to grab a bit of that back??

Why do you HAVE to have sugary snacks and chocolate bars in the house all the time? Why can't you get, 1 each at a time??

I have binge eating disorder (thanks to my mind controlling behavour), and I am telling you restricting is always followed by binging. So by restricting her u are causing her to crave them.

As for your idea of punishment a) it is massively harsh and is not logical whatsoever and b) you have no proof she did it again, given that u said "I'm fairly sure". Fairly sure is not good enough.

I can't stand lying but you don't seem to care why she's lying in the first place.

My dd has free access to sugary foods or chocolate etc as did her siblings BUT none of them feel the need to binge on the stuff.

You don't want the kids having too much "crap" but do u let them have no added sugar squash or nesquick powder or any other no added sugar stuff? If you are you will find you are doing more harm than good by filling them with chemicals and actually sweeteners can make you crave sugar even more!

There's a reason she's taking them? Do you ever crave something sweet? Classic craving for some women/girls when hormones are raging. Think yabu and a bit over the top for someone her age. She needs help with regulating "treats" a d healthy eating or you're going to cause her potentially having issues with some types of food. Try talking to her she's not a 6 year old

For me, birthdays happen regardless of behaviour and I don't want my dc to feel their birthday party depends upon behaviour. Can you imagine holding a grudge against your parents for years? I would - "when I was 12 my mum cancelled my birthday party because a took some sweets" seems like a sentence you'd still be saying at 50 years old!

There needs to be a consequence but not related to a birthday that will never happen again.

I had to not give my son any birthday presents this year after a very serious misdemeanour. It was hard and I felt like shite (why??!!) but believe me he deserved it!

You didn't have to, you chose to! I didn't realise how much I disagree with this line of punishment until now.

I know all kids are different and what works for one won't work for another but this is our approach.....

Biscuits/crisps/treats/fizzy drinks are stored where they can easily be accessed by DS(10) but we've always taught him that he asks and doesn't just help himself.

This has worked I believe in the main because we don't really say flat out no. It's either yes you can have some now, no not yet because dinner/tea is nearly ready but you can have some after that (and if you eat it all) or if it is a flat out no it's because he's already eaten plenty of crap but we tell him that's why. And by plenty of crap I don't mean just ONE biscuit either.

For context, no one in this house is overweight, we live a pretty active lifestyle and no one has any food issues or disorders either. We also all have healthy teeth and not one single filling between us!

@celticmissey My DD2 is 6, I can talk things through with her, no problem. I have more difficulties with my FD1, who is 9. Personally, I would say that the OP is treating her DD like a preschooler. Once children start school, they grow up very quickly, and obviously even more so when they start secondary school. A soon to be 13 year old is really going to resent being treated like a young child, especially as she must see that her friends have a lot more freedom.

Maybe it's because I live close to shops, but I cannot understand this bulk buying of junk food. I'm not a purist and will happily have a "treat" and buy a chocolate or crisps on occasion for my dgd, but why have the stuff in the house?

When my boys were younger we had the treat basket. I put stuff in it once a week and they could help themselves but when it was gone that was it till the next shopping day. They rarely bothered with it to be honest but some of their friends would come over and hit it hard. It still only had stuff added on shopping day.

Just RTFT and OP I am very glad you are not cancelling her birthday sleepover, because that is way over the top.

I would be looking at why she’s taking extra chocolate/biscuits etc. Ideally, all kids would self regulate and you’d be able to have whatever food in the house and they’d take one or two biscuits, or one packet of crisps etc, but not all kids are like that.

I don’t agree with PP who say kids should be able to eat what they want, when they want from their own house- I agree OP you initially sounded too strict, but I agree with you kids shouldn’t just be able to eat through the contents of the cupboards and fridge at will. What about the financial cost for a start?!

I think you need to have a chat with her, not in a judgmental or telling off way. But don’t make food, especially ‘treat’ Food the enemy or something to be ashamed of or hide- you will set her up with an eating disorder for life.

I think you need to pick your battles better.

Have only read your posts OP.

YANBU I’m not wanting to deny the entire household just because of one person’s behaviour.

YABU to call a child helping themselves to food in their own home “stealing”.

YABU to expect all your children to behave the way you want them to re food. You’d be lucky if they all did.

YANBU yo cool yummy healthy food for them at home which they all love, put a KitKat or whatever in their lunchbox and then explain x1,000,000 that one/however many more “rubbish” foods are allowed in the day.

You need to understand what’s going on in her head right now. Given she took the iPad when she was denied her phone, this is possibly about not liking being disciplined as much as it’s about actually wanting chocolate/sweets. She feels she doesn’t want to listen to you, and thinks she can get away with not listening to you.

THIS is what you need to address. She can have as much crappy food and screen time as anyone else in the house is allowed (age appropriate), but the condition is obedience. Be at pains to not demonize chocolate or whatever (everything is fine in moderation) or screentime (just a tool she needs to learn to use properly). She may require more telling off and explanations and sanctions and reasoning than any of your other kids. But you just have to keep at it. There’s not much else you can do. Chances are good the message will get through if not now, eventually. If it doesn’t - well, it wasn’t for lack of trying (as long as you really really do try, of course!).

• YANBU in not wanting

• YANBU to cook yummy healthy food

If you think this is the right course of action, then do it. The important thing to remember is you've threatened this, so if you don't follow through she will walk all over you next time. This is where parenting becomes a problem. Parents making empty threats. You have to follow through.

Of course she lied. She gets into trouble if she's honest. Why don't you, as the adult, create an open understanding relationship with your DD

I think cancelling the party is cruel and telling her friends about the biscuits is abhorrent

Please try to show her kindness and compassion so that she understands that that is the way she can be too

My DS was like this, and it was the lying that most bothered me. I'm going to assume you're the same, sorry if I'm wrong.

I wouldn't cancel the party. This is a huge jump from taking her phone away. I started out taking away the main priority toy, and kept going until he learnt. He had nothing before he finally understood that lying was the problem, but he still got Christmas presents, birthday parties etc. He remembers losing all his toys (this was a few years ago now), but agrees it was the right thing and doesn't see it as us overreacting.

One thing I would say is unless you're positive about it having happened again, then don't do anything. It's difficult, but better than doing something you'll regret if you find out you were wrong.

Some great parenting advice I received was to fit the punishment to the crime, so if she’s stealing treats then maybe she just has to ask for them every time/not have them for a set amount of time. Her birthday party is totally unrelated and cancelling would feel very harsh to her and might encourage resentment and more devious behaviour. I would avoid any kind of shaming especially around food.