to cancel DD birthday sleepover?

[LurpakIsTheOnlyButter]

DD 12 has been stealing treats from the cupboard. I caught her red handed a while back and she lied to my face and we had a big talk about being deceitful and stealing (she also took her sisters Christmas chocs).

At the time I removed her phone as punishment and explained that I don't allow my children to eat treats all day long because they are unhealthy, there is always fruit available if snacks are needed after school etc. The DCs are allowed treats, just not 2 chocolate biscuits right before tea,
and certainly not every day.

I moved all the treats to a high cupboard to make them less accessible and DD spent her own money to buy a gift to replace sisters stolen sweets. I thought that was the end of it.

Last night I caught her doing the same again. Then immediately after removing her phone I caught her with an iPad which she is not allowed mid week and tried to hide. Again she lied when caught red handed.

This morning I am fairly sure she has been in the cupboard again and I told her yesterday one more strike this week and I would cancel her birthday sleepover this weekend.

This feels very mean to me but I think I need to follow through, nothing else seems to get through to her that this is unacceptable. So AIBU? WWYD?

I'm not a parent, I'm a 23 year old and I actually think that OP's behaviour is correct.

I had strict parenting, rules were in place and I learned to abide by them. I turned out pretty well in terms of respect, morals and I'm not and never have been overweight!

Kids these days are shockingly overweight, it's always in the news. Even one choco a day I think is a bit too much but also OK as a child. Never more.

It will start with chocolate and it'll change as she gets older to more serious rule breaking. I see so many kids out in the park and their parents have no idea they're smoking, drinking, swearing - it's not okay.

Whether or not you cancel her birthday, I can't give an opinion on that, you must give a punishment of some sort.

It will start with chocolate and it'll change as she gets older to more serious rule breaking. I see so many kids out in the park and their parents have no idea they're smoking, drinking, swearing

KitKats, the gateway to a life of drugs and crime.
🤣

You asked how other deal with it.

I just don't "have them in" regularly but now and then.

Once a week I might buy something...a large bar of chocolate and a big bag of crisps. They can share that...Friday night treat.

If they want more, they can't have it.

Neither will spend their own pocket money on it....they're not that bothered. But if I got things like clubs or whatever as part of my regular shopping, they'd eat them all.

If I hid them as you do....or restricted them. Then they'd probably take them when I wasn't looking. I wouldn't restrict them...I'd rather not have them here in the first place!

I also don't believe that taking food out of the fridge is stealing. I tell my DDs off if they help themselves without asking, but only because I want to make sure that they're not filling themselves up on snacks. I also want them to be able to eat their tea, and they're very picky at the best of times.

You do sound very controlling. Cancelling the birthday sleepover would be so cruel, especially as she's about to become a sleepover. Her friends would ask why it was cancelled, and that would be so humiliating for your DD. It would be something she won't forget and probably wouldn't forgive you for.

If you said you'd cancel the party then I suppose you should but i think you need to pick your battles in future. Are there plenty of healthy snacks she can have anytime or do you restrict all food? At that age she needs some freedom to meet her own needs not constantly have to ask.

Okay, I missed your last post. Good decision, OP!

Mosaic

Her sister still had Christmas sweets as that was the first time I caught DD stealing and was a while ago. She had already eaten her own.

Her sister doesn't seem to feel the need to eat all the sweets in sight and can have them if she wants, I don't forbid them eating their own things but I can't condone one child sneaking and eating all the sweet things belonging to the household and leaving none for the others.

I'm so glad you have listened to the comments here, OP. I was a bit concerned about the strength of your own comments about Lying and Stealing, because it is really dangerous to label a child negatively, especially a child of that age. They can grow into that label.

I always raided the biscuit tin and told lies to avoid trouble. If the punishments are harsh, the logical thing to do is to lie.

Her sister doesn't seem to feel the need to eat all the sweets in sight and can have them if she wants, I don't forbid them eating their own things but I can't condone one child sneaking and eating all the sweet things belonging to the household and leaving none for the others

You are totally right she can't just eat her way through the cupboards I don't think anybody was disputing that

I actually agree with OP here.
I was only allowed a certain amount of chocolate a day, there was plenty in the house but at 12 I knew the rule was one bar a day and I knew not to sneak treats. As long as there is other options (i.e. fruit) and she is not starving.

The main point of this is that the daughter knew a house rule, broke it (twice) and then lied afterwards. I would punish it the same as if they had watched TV at midnight on a school night for example, or lied about doing homework etc

I have one healthy eating dc and one that tends to sneak snacks and then won't have space for dinner. They are a few years younger than yours and they aren't allowed to take food without checking first. I might need it for packed lunch or it might be too close to dinner. They still do sometimes.
I try not to have crisps, sweets or candy bars routinely in the house but fruit bars etc are still packed with sugar. Their dentist has explained to them how many times a day they can eat sugar and we try and work that out together. That said I try not to get too worked up if too many snacks get eaten as I would like them to be relaxed about food so I put more emphasis on making sure they eat a balanced diet with plenty of veg.

Well done for not cancelling the sleepover, OP.

As regards how to deal with unhealthy foods generally, I think it's wise not to make a huge deal out of any of it. I wouldn't refer to taking food as "stealing", I'd try to find a less harsh way of talking about it. (Taking her sister's stuff is different, granted.) I'd emphasise that your concern is her health and happiness.

Eating in secret can be a sign of unhappiness and shame. I'd try and support her rather than being too strict about it. I'm also not convinced that hiding food or putting it on a high shelf is the way to go, as that just reinforces the idea that she can't control herself.

What do you think would happen if you were super-relaxed about it all?

eek. Sorry missed OP's post.

Also, is she hungry? All very well having fruit available but she might need something more substantial. Cheese, hummus, that sort of thing after school?

The punishment should be BIN THE TREATS. AND DONT BUY ANY MORE - surely that's punishing the sibling aswell?

Hi. Im sorry OP. I've asked Mumsnet to remove my post as I missed yours when you said you were not cancelling the party. x

OP, I have read all of your updates and the whole situation is bullshit.

I thought it was reasonable to have stuff in and if the kids want something sweet they just have to ask, I'm honestly not a dragon mother who is super strict.

I think it's deeply unreasonable to expect children to ask you every time they want a fucking biscuit. It is their home isn't it? Don't you want them to feel welcome to biscuits etc? This is simply what children are like - my mother would do a HUGE weekly shop including lashings of crisps and biscuits etc, my brothers and I would competitively eat them up within days (to ensure we got the best flavours, naturally) and when they were gone it was our own problem and no more until the next shop (except for bloody ready salted). Children will OBVIOUSLY prefer chocolate to fruit, as long as she is a healthy weight and eating healthily at meal times I can't see why you are being like this. I just don't get it. I think it's very sad as well that you liken her eating a few biscuits to stealing money. WTF.

Also, lying is bad. However I would definitely have lied to my mother for the sake of some biscuits if she were imposing such ridiculous rules.

You do seem to be a little harsh, considering she's almost 13. My brother and I used to be starving when we got in from school - he'd go for cereal, I preferred toast. Fruit isn't that filling (and is full of sugar). Could she have toast/muffins with jam/honey or a toasted teacake? Gets the sweet hit but won't leave her still hungry. Or cheese and crackers with a sweet (apple) chutney? Or, as you are a good cook, make some snacks together? The Eat Well for less website had a lovely 'breakfast bar' recipe (basically flapjacks), satisfying as they're crunchy and sweet, you could even drizzle them with chocolate. Plain greek yogurt with cacoa powder and nuts, its really strong so takes the edge off a craving but you won't want to over eat it!

Wow your very harsh, she hardly stole from your purse. As a parent it's your job to show her to eat healthy, not act like some sort of snack nazi.

Of course she's going to want chocolate sometimes, if her meals are healthy a couple of biscuits or a small choc bar is normal. Also banning an iPad during the week?! Wtf. Your online yourself now aren't you, is it doing you any damage? I agree kids shouldn't be gaming all summer or late into the night, but you sound like your taking restrictions to the extreme.

I had parents like you, I grew up anxious and fearful of making my own decisions...

If you break out the big threats over 2 chocolate biscuits, how on Earth are you going to behave when she starts sneaking out to meet friends, trying booze for the first time etc.? You seem to have a very disproportionate reaction here. Do you have a healthy relationship with food yourself? Because it doesn’t sound like it.

How is it stealing?
They're biscuits in HER house! I would understand if they were being taken from your bedroom for example, but taking food from a communal kitchen is not stealing.
I think you're being too harsh. It's just food for gods sake!
She's probably growing an needs more food.

I think cancelling a childs birthday party for stealing a couple of chocolate biscuits at the wrong time, or sneakng a go on their tablet midweek is pretty heavyhanded and overly controlling tbh. At what age will she be allowed to decide that she needs a snack?