to cancel DD birthday sleepover?

[LurpakIsTheOnlyButter]

DD 12 has been stealing treats from the cupboard. I caught her red handed a while back and she lied to my face and we had a big talk about being deceitful and stealing (she also took her sisters Christmas chocs).

At the time I removed her phone as punishment and explained that I don't allow my children to eat treats all day long because they are unhealthy, there is always fruit available if snacks are needed after school etc. The DCs are allowed treats, just not 2 chocolate biscuits right before tea,
and certainly not every day.

I moved all the treats to a high cupboard to make them less accessible and DD spent her own money to buy a gift to replace sisters stolen sweets. I thought that was the end of it.

Last night I caught her doing the same again. Then immediately after removing her phone I caught her with an iPad which she is not allowed mid week and tried to hide. Again she lied when caught red handed.

This morning I am fairly sure she has been in the cupboard again and I told her yesterday one more strike this week and I would cancel her birthday sleepover this weekend.

This feels very mean to me but I think I need to follow through, nothing else seems to get through to her that this is unacceptable. So AIBU? WWYD?

If you cancel a birthday party for a 12 year old she will remember that for the rest of her life and probably never forgive you.
You sound extraordinarily strict.
I'm guessing she is the eldest and you have no experience with older children.
Firstly she is reaching an age where they have bigger appetites. Making a huge battleground over a biscuit will win you nothing and the battles will get much bigger than this.
Applying the same draconian rules to all siblings just doesn't work once they are teenagers. You might get a much better response if you gave her some privileges and showed her some trust.

Sorry you are receiving such a flaming op. Fwiw, I think it's a good move not to cancel the sleepover.

You say you have explained about healthy eating and trust issues (which I agree are important) but have you asked your dd why she is stealing and then lying about it?

If she says "well all my friends are allowed biscuits after school and you will only allow me fruit" (or words to that effect) perhaps a more effective strategy would be to come up with a compromise that you both feel happy with (for example could she have a mini bite size Twix and a fruit for her after school snack?) Or as a pp suggested, you give her five small snacks per week in a special box that she can eat when she wants. If she has some say in the strategy she will be more likely to stick with it and she will be learning to compromise and self-regulate rather than having rules "imposed on her from above" ifyswim.

Of course DC lie to avoid unpleasant consequences but in my experience (admittedly rather limited because I only have one child) they tend to want to be honest, but tend to lose that aspiration when they perceive the original rule to be "unfair" or "unreasonable".

I would also be concerned if I found a drawer full of sweet wrappers in my dd's room, but I would bet a thousand pounds that your dd already knows it's not ideal behaviour. Rather than punish her, I think it would be more productive to get to the bottom of why she is snacking so much? Once you've got to the bottom of that issue properly, I would then consider discipline (as opposed to punishment) for the lying etc. Good luck!

I had some friends like this but younger kids and they always seemed hungry. Like my mother and grandmother, I have an open cupboard/fridge policy, my DC has always been able to eat what he wants when he wants. Generally he eats very healthy foods with the occasional cookies for breakfast. What is interesting is when we go to my husband's mothers, who is extremely controlling around food, and she hides all the chocolate and biscuits (from me too!) and then my son is always whining for them whereas at home, I can't even remember the last time he ate chocolate. If I were you, I'd try something radical like telling your kids eat all you want whenever, when it's gone, it is gone until next shop. She may over eat sweets for awhile but after month of that she'll might well even out. Just an idea.

@ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual My mother brainwashed us by always saying "We don't like sweet things" as if it was a fact of life 😂 We must have been very suggestible, as we believed her until we were adult, and it gradually dawned on us that we did like sweet things just as much as everyone else, and we'd been bamboozled.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual
What I'm confused about, is what path should you take with regards to unhealthier food and teens?
I have two boys now 20 and 22 who went through an unfillable phase in their early teens. Both are now slim adults with healthy attitudes to food.
I bought junk as well as healthy snacks and I took the fairly simple path of allowing them free range of the food in the house providing they ate the healthy balanced meal I provided. If that meant they were eating bowls of cereal an hour after a huge Sunday roast so be it. If they ate toast half an hour before dinner and then failed to eat it there would be words. It didn't happen often.
I think that parents attitudes to food rub off on the DC. I've never dieted, eat what I like and have never been over weight.

My DM used to hide biscuits from my DSIS. We were all brought up with the same rules but, for some reason, DSIS loved biscuits.
But it wasn't a reflection on my DSIS' character. She wasn't a thief and a liar. She was someone who liked biscuits.
Despite the fact the rest of us didn't track down hidden biscuits, we've all struggled with our weight at different points as adults because my DM's attitude created a feeling that certain foods (eg biscuits) were treats and therefore more desirable than others.
If I were you, I wouldn't cancel the party and I would look again at the messages you're sending about food and I'd be careful not to label your DD as a liar and a thief for simply liking biscuits a bit more than her siblings.

A bit harsh. We used to nick custard creams from the high cupboard and didn't turn into junk food fiends.

Just find a better hiding place. I can't resist temptation myself so it's hard to expect a 13yo to.

It's great that you have listened to us and are NOT going to cancel the sleepover BUT I would be very very careful with the Chat. If she's entering adolescence she'll be extremely sensitive to what you say and how you say it.

I suggest that you just listen to her and do not try and judge her at all. However tempting it might be !

As posted, I will not cancel her sleepover but the question remains how to regulate sweet stuff.

I thought it was reasonable to have stuff in and if the kids want something sweet they just have to ask, I'm honestly not a dragon mother who is super strict.

DD is one of 4 and it seems mean to not have nice things in for all the kids to have from time to time, just not a ton of junk before tea which I don't think is unreasonable. If I bought one packet of clubs or whatever they are gone when everyone has had one so I always have a few packs in as in a big household nothing lasts long.

I don't say no to everything all the time and I always thought I was pretty fair with the kids, but bearing in mind I want them to eat well and stay active because it is good for them and surely at home is the best place to learn this?

None of the DC are overweight, there is lots of food they are welcome to whenever including snacks like nuts and olives and cheese that DD loves. Food isnt rationed in our house, but I do expect a reasonable balance from everyone not just DD.

No one else feels the need to sneak and lie and hide stuff, I just don't get it. How do i address this without stopping everyone from having a bit of chocolate every now and again? There's nothing stopping her from blowing all her money on stuff and the shop if I don't have stuff in the house anyway, she isn't a baby but nor is she always capable of making sensible choices.

For the other posters who have kids that do this - how do you handle it?

What does she say when you askher about it ?

lynmilne I mentioned sundried tomatoes because they are something fancy which my daughter loves. Different kids have different things they see as treats...
My daughter also loves various sweet things, especially ice cream and marzipan, which we often have around.

ItsNiceItsDifferent I think that you are raising a good point. My kids are almost grown up now, but we tried to have lots of tasty food around, with varied and fun meals, sugary treats in the house sometimes, a bit unpredictably, but not a huge fuss made over them. We also had sweet treats like Nakd bars, fruit sweetened homemade deserts, nothing forbidden, but also not a lot of junk food around usually (just sometimes). I also put a bit of trouble into getting my kids to like and experiment with lots of different foods; I was particularly aware of not filling up with junk as we are all vegetarian, so I felt like I had to make an effort. My inconsistent approach worked ok- none of our kids seems to have big hangups about food, and they all enjoy eating, and don't gorge on crap very often.

Hi, just reading your thread. Glad you aren't cancelling her sleep over. In answer to your question, could you have some sort of chart, so the "treats" are rationed out. So each gets 7 kit kats for the week and when hers are gone that's it? I don't really know as haven't been there. I've see people make big deal out of food which has had a long term negative effect. My son (aged 4) wanted a second smoothy, I told him he couldn't but he took it anyway. I said if he drank it I wouldn't buy them again, as one a day is more than enough (plus costly, I buy them when they're on offer) in fairness he didn't drink it and was pleased I've bought more as he listened to me. Maybe put some of the responsibility back on her.

OP maybe you are worrying too much too... Your daughter might be just going through a bit of a phase.

If I were you I might leave semi-humorous notes for her in the biscuit box, warning her off, telling her you are watching, or even a note in an empty box telling her to come to you for a special treat!

You can make her aware of her behaviour that way, get her to stop and think, perhaps.

Then maybe try another tack next--- and all the time keep a conversation going about why she needs to ask before helping herself, and why sugar isn't great for her to have too often...

I'd just do as the others do make some snacks freely available and explain to her that moderation is key and see if she gets that's . By going on about it your making sweet treats desirable. Make them available and make it her decision then she may over indulge for a while but likely it will wear off. My 6 and 9 year old still have their Easter eggs in their rooms- free reign on them really and they have not been touched. It's a good age to teach them
About moderation and balance. I do like the pp said and as long as they have three decent meals with x amount of fruit throughout the day they can decide the rest for themselves. Although i do sometimes have to step in, but they are a lot younger than you Dd

I'm going to ask her what she thinks is fair, reasonable and healthy.

Then I think together we will agree on a plan, maybe her own personal snack box that she can have when she likes on the condition that she eats the meal I have made her for tea. Maybe to last a fortnight and once empty then it's empty until the next fortnight, with a variety of snacks in and not all sugary crap.

Hopefully that will stop the lying and sneaking around? I will report back on whether or not this works!

I meant that the DD would be humiliated if her sleepover was cancelled at the last minute. I wasn't suggesting that the OP would sit them down and inform all the friends of what her daughter had done! It is hard letting go of children and seeing that rules have to bend. I didn't think that the OP was being deliberately cruel.

I always thought I was pretty fair with the kids, but bearing in mind I want them to eat well and stay active because it is good for them and surely at home is the best place to learn this?
I think you're missing the point. The lesson you think you're teaching may be entirely different from the one your DCs are learning (even subliminally).
We were all active. None of us were overweight. One sibling hunted down hidden biscuits. The rest of us didn't.

The preoccupation with hidden biscuits - where are they? who ate them? will they be punished? - impacts everyone in the house. You're teaching your DCs that someone else/an authority figure/you needs to monitor their behaviour, eating and portion control. They need to learn to trust themselves on those issues.

That’s a good idea but I would still stop the sleepover because she could steal other stuff in the future like money or other types of food. I did this a lot as a kid and it was only when my mum stopped sleepovers and trips that I learnt my lesson and didn’t do it again

OP a fortnight might be too long at that age - maybe a week instead?

Just as a warning - my sister had this issue as a young teenager. The drawers full of wrappers, sweet wrappers hidden under the bed, etc.. She was binge eating which my mum tried to control by controlling what snacks were given out. It didn't really work and my sis snuck what she wanted / spent all her money on what she wanted. For many many years she had a shocking relationship with food. It turns out this was a symptom of underlying issues (ADHD, bullying, night terrors). I would recommend you try to get to the bottom of WHY she is doing this. Maybe hormonal, maybe something deeper. Help her to self regulate and give her more freedom to make a few bad choices. My mum (lovely as she is) was pretty tough when we were teenagers to try and protect us. In the long run we made all the mistakes but we lied about them and hid them and didn't get parental support with issues as we'd get into trouble for the symptoms of those issues. I am 40 and I still don't tell my mum when I've done something she wouldn't approve of......... You don't want to be that mum!

I think that’s fair Lurpak and the snack box, with a mix of things, is a good idea. It’s good to talk it through with her. Hope it works out!

My mother was controlling with food and i have only recently realised the impact it has had on me. We had tea when home from school (mostly a butty and sausage roll with a few other bits, we wernt poor as such, she just couldnt be arsed to cook for us) and then in her words 'the kitchen is closed after five oclock' meaning we wernt allowed to go and have anythin else to eat. Now as an adult i dont seem to stop eating, every hour or so im stuffing something in my mouth to eat. Now obv your not being this cruel op but even doing what you are can cause problems when it comes to food with your dc, yes punish her, in the right way, for breaking your rules, but dont stop her from eating, just stop her when she is over indulging and encourage her to eat fruit instead when and where you can.

It is significant that her sister still has her Christmas chocolates! It's nearly May. Sorry but that's rather odd.

You need to be more relaxed about food in general.

Honestly you sound very controlling when it comes to food and really you could be setting yourself up for some real issues around food in the future.

We have chocolate, biscuits, pringles, everything just lying around the house. if the children want to eat it they do and if they don't they don't. none of mine are overweight (2 are under, 1 is an athlete, the others all healthy weight/height ratios) and I still have easter eggs sitting in the lounge.

the minute its seen as a treat or forbidden it becomes incredibly attractive.

she might crave sugar around the time of her periods - lots of women do.

you are rationing certain foods and inadvertently making certain foods seem more attractive than they are. if she wants a biscuit let her have one providing she eats her main meal so what.

you have to let her start to make her own decisions around food. you have explained why you don't want her to fill up on them, she is bright enough to hear and understand this, now over to her.