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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another wedding AIBU

170 replies

livelyredjellybean · 24/04/2018 10:43

So, my DP and I are arranging our wedding for September this year. (Yes there is a good reason for the rush, can’t explain as it’s outing.)

We want a small, quiet ceremony followed by pictures at another location that’s special to us before returning for the evening do. We aren’t planning a sit down meal or anything. The special site pictures are the ONLY thing I really want on the day.
I talked this through with my mum who went pretty ballistic at me, saying she would be embarrassed if her family (her cousins and their offspring) were only invited to the evening do which is what we were intending. I can understand as they would be travelling an awful long way (7 hours one way) but if we invited everyone it would almost double the number of people we want at the ceremony.

Am I being unreasonable by only inviting them to the reception? Or is my mother for threatening not to come if they aren’t invited?

OP posts:

Icanttakemuchmore · 26/04/2018 06:43

We were invited to my husbands nephews wedding, evening g invitation only, 2.5 hours away and we didn't go. The reception was in some remote case somewhere and the overnight accommodation was almost £300 for the night, plus new clothes and a present from an expensive shop, online list was provided to go online and order it direct! So we opted not to go because of the cost and travel time but still bought a gift from the online wedding list for them . Driving home after the do wasn't an option as it finished too late

Icanttakemuchmore · 26/04/2018 06:44

remote Castle .

TheLastNigel · 26/04/2018 06:51

But people do t have to come do they? If they thinks it's unreasonable to travel 7 hours for a party then they can just decline...I don't see what the big deal is really...your wedding, do it as you want to-but don't be offended if people don't show up is all...

flowery · 26/04/2018 07:15

Surely if the ‘level’ of family you are considering inviting goes as far as mum’s cousins’ children, that’s a huge wedding! Most people stop at their own cousins, or similar, don’t they? Surely your mum’s cousins won’t be expecting an invitation?

NorthernKnickers · 26/04/2018 07:24

You're disappearing for 2 hours? That's very rude (I've honestly never been to a wedding where the bride and groom have done this...it's just not the done thing OP...really...and I truly don't give two tiny shits about weddings or etiquette, couldn't care less, but that's beyond rude!).

specialsubject · 26/04/2018 10:42

2 hours for photos??? that's ridiculous even if you have all the cliched new life together crap done.

It doesn't sound like you want guests at all, and that's fine. Save a lot of time and money for everyone. Reg office do, two witnesses, then glam up and go off for your photo shoot. Job done.

Minxmumma · 26/04/2018 10:51

Yanbu. People will come if they want to. It is your wedding do it how you want

We have done similar ish. We married in Feb with just our kids and parents, photos done, lovely day no stress. In July we are having a big party recepetion type thing. All and sundry are invited, those from further afield are making it a weekend to catch up with family, so lunch together etc. People can just choose

JuJu2017 · 26/04/2018 13:42

It is a bit unreasonable to expect people to travel 7 hours for an evening party, but it’s your day and as long as you don’t get offended if people come back and say they don’t fancy the drive then you’re fine. Your mum however is being unreasonable. It’s your day and you can plan it as you like. Totally agree with you for not wanting to invite everyone to a dinner as the cost is extortionate and it’s clearly not what you want. I like the suggestion of having her small wedding and your pictures and then having a party closer to home after the event with all invited. Not only does it appease everyone and get rid of the drive, irs another excuse to wear your dress!

magoria · 26/04/2018 13:49

That is a lot of time and money you would like people to spend on a BBQ for your marriage.

Who is going to want to spend 7 hours travel there and then 7 home? So that is cost of transport and somewhere to stay. 14 hours for a couple of hours at a BBQ.

That would be a thanks but no thanks from me.

MrPan · 26/04/2018 14:03

The least you can get away with for a catered wedding event is about £100 a person these days

Do not be ridiculous.

popcornaddict · 26/04/2018 22:47

I don't have a problem with evening invites.... I prefer being only invited to the evening bit TBH. However traveling 7 hours just to an evening do would be a defo no from me.

If I was in your position I think I would have my small ceremony. Go for pictures then have a small gathering of closest friends and family go for a meal or something. X

GreenTulips · 27/04/2018 07:56

If I was in your position I think I would have my small ceremony. Go for pictures then have a small gathering of closest friends and family go for a meal or something. X
Which is what OP wants but her mother is kicking up a fuss about!!!

That's the issue.

Teddyinglasses · 27/04/2018 20:38

Do what you want, it's your wedding and I think it's a brilliant way to keep down costs. If anyone complains uninvite them. A 7 hour journey is the same whether or not you are going to one or two does. Weddings like funerals are full of envelope openers, (people you don't see for donkey's years then turn up for the opening of an envelope if there's free food involved)

ThereAreTooMany · 27/04/2018 21:26

We really don’t want a big wedding or party, and to be honest inviting the extended family is more to do with a sense of obligation than actually wanting everyone there

I think it’s really unfair and disingenuous to invite people that you don’t even want to be there. Why would you do that to them? Imagine getting the invite, making all the effort to attend and thinking you are doing the right thing when really the hosts don’t even care if you are there or not.

It’s your wedding and you should do what you want but I don’t think you should mess other people about.

GreenTulips · 27/04/2018 21:52

OP only feels obliged to invited them because her mother wants them there - so the sense of obligation is to her mother

She met her half way on the evening so - but again that's not good enough for her mother

mumeeee · 28/04/2018 08:20

2 hours having photos done is a long time also aren't you you having any of your guests in some of the photos which is the normal thing to do. I wouldn't be happy hanging around having to find something to do.
I actually think its quite rude to invite someone who had to travel 7 hours to an evening do.
Another thing is do you know actually anyone can go to a wedding ceremony without an invitation.
But need to be invited for reception etc

Helpmeplan · 28/04/2018 18:15

Wtf is wrong with people? Their wedding, they can choose to have the do as they please. Ffs. If they're that concerned about upsetting relations, pick up the damned phone and speak to these family members. Do people not communicate these days? You would not shut mine up!!!

Oh and the £100 per head for food for a wedding is ridiculous. Our reception is at an extremely posh hotel and including champagne, wine, beer, shots, 3 course meal, cheeseboard and tea/coffee is £63 a head. Granted it is a Monday, but no room hire charge.

I honestly do not understand the whole furore. Communication is key.

VerbenaBorensis · 28/04/2018 18:32

What about this -friend I knew for years invited me for eve do only but I didn't go as miles away (was quite upset tbf) then she got married without telling her family but just invited them to a 'party'in the eve and announced she had just got wed-her mum was furious and upset!

bunbunny · 28/04/2018 22:37

verbena I've experienced exactly the same except it was my uncle and they had a small family wedding at the registry office and a nice lunch afterwards, so I did get to go to that. Then a big party later - half way through they brought out a cake iced in white, as it was being brought through the room, held high as there were lots of people so it didn't get knocked, somebody joked about it looking like a wedding cake and when were they going to do the deed (together over a decade, several dc, running joke that they weren't married) to which they replied 'well actually...', put the cake down, brought out some fizz and said they had a luttle announcement

Result - A lot of very shocked people who couldn't believe they had manahed to keep it quiet. And happy uncle and aunt who hadnt wanted a big fuss or presents.

DuchessChesh · 29/04/2018 14:58

Rarely post on here but this one hit home. 4 years ago now my hubby and I decided to get married. we had been together for 30 years at that point and saw it as legally tieing up ends for the children. we didn't have much money and originally just wanted a party to celebrate being happy together for 30 years. then we thought, oh well. we may as well be legal.I am estranged from my own siblings, he has a large family. decided registry would just be us an old friend for witness as she had issues with another old friend and stupidly I thought I would at least make it easy for her to be part of things but not feel obliged to be an evening party. so, our plan was. registry office to be legal - one friend and her hubby as a witness. we were having lunch at the hotel we had booked evening do for. we couldn't afford to pay for an evening party and lunch so we mentioned it on invites and said people welcome to join us for lunch if they wanted to, sending out menus and price lists to make it clear. Invited everyone we wanted to large evening party which was our main celebration. initially, we had wanted more at the registry office. But then emotions took hold with the realisation that despite being the youngest of a large family, I had no one to be with me. Very hard, hence why just saw it as a legal signing of contracts and had to have someone as the witness. So, the actual day ended up with registry short and sweet. Lunch, overwhelmed by the number of people who joined us knowing they were paying for lunch for themselves. Party was brilliant in the evening. Hubbies brother and wife didn't attend though. Initially, we were told it was because of funds. They live in Scotland, we are in Cheshire. clearly not true as they were at a concert in Manchester and other events leading up to the marriage. Sis in law old school friend of mine, I introduced her to her hubby 30 years ago. they were together for a couple of years, then she went off to Europe for a holiday and met someone else. I kept in touch with her, brother in law heartbroken. She came back to this country and I got them both back together again. They got married and caused a huge fuss in the family. scroll on to our own wedding day coming nearer and she was posting things on FB such as 'some people ought to think about what they are doing...' blah blah. She was ignoring my phone call and messages at this point. So I responded to one if her post on FB by saying, maybe if you think someone has upset you, you should let that person know as they may not be aware? It resulted in a vile letter from her about how selfish I was not to invite them to the registry office etc. I replied explaining our financial situation and my own feelings about lack of family on my side ( she was very aware of what has happened ). More vile letters from her, blocking on social media etc. Hurt like hell at the time, now I feel only sorrow for her that she could be so petty. It is your wedding day OP. DO what you want. Whatever you do you will upset someone. SMile and enjoy your special day. :-)

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