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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another wedding AIBU

170 replies

livelyredjellybean · 24/04/2018 10:43

So, my DP and I are arranging our wedding for September this year. (Yes there is a good reason for the rush, can’t explain as it’s outing.)

We want a small, quiet ceremony followed by pictures at another location that’s special to us before returning for the evening do. We aren’t planning a sit down meal or anything. The special site pictures are the ONLY thing I really want on the day.
I talked this through with my mum who went pretty ballistic at me, saying she would be embarrassed if her family (her cousins and their offspring) were only invited to the evening do which is what we were intending. I can understand as they would be travelling an awful long way (7 hours one way) but if we invited everyone it would almost double the number of people we want at the ceremony.

Am I being unreasonable by only inviting them to the reception? Or is my mother for threatening not to come if they aren’t invited?

OP posts:
Strongmummy · 25/04/2018 17:51

The only good bit about a wedding is the food and booze. The ceremony is fine. The pics are boring. Therefore being invited to the good bit in the evening (if you’re not having a wedding breakfast) is fine in my view, but not if those people have to travel so far for not much benefit!!!! If you want a small wedding have a small wedding. If you desperately want those relatives there then at least pay for their accommodation.......Altho I doubt they’d accept. I can see why you’re mum is embarrassed

timeisnotaline · 25/04/2018 17:55

I think inviting someone to an evening do with a 14 hour round trip is the equivalent of sending a note saying please DO NOT attend our wedding, Token invite only enclosed.

callmeadoctor · 25/04/2018 18:05

2 hours for the pictures seems a long time? Is your photographer slow or are your pictures being taken miles away?

pollymere · 25/04/2018 18:06

I did have a sit down lunch...with twenty guests. Everyone came to the ceremony, then went out for lunch together before going to our evening do. My cousins etc were offended, they understood I didn't have an endless budget. I had hundreds at my evening do instead.

callmeadoctor · 25/04/2018 18:07

Maybe have the pictures taken, then a late ceremony followed by evening barbecue and invite everybody (there you go, sorted!)

NapQueen · 25/04/2018 18:11

If I were you i would do ceremony and meal afterwards for a very small group then say your goodbyes. You and dh then go off and do your pictures and something just the two of you in the evening.

NoHunsHereHun · 25/04/2018 18:16

I have only scanned TFT, so sorry if a PP suggested a party/'reception' on another day? This is what my friend did - tiny, family & witnesses only wedding, then a party two weeks later. She wore her dress again too. People travelled a very long way for that as it was from early afternoon into the evening.

NoHunsHereHun · 25/04/2018 18:17

And I should add, ONLY IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT! Your wedding, your choice, always.

marymoosmum · 25/04/2018 18:24

I travelled a long way for a family wedding with a young baby, we just made a holiday of it. We went down the day before, went out that morning before getting ready and going to the wedding, then went somewhere else for a couple of days, before heading home. The family could easily do that and use it as an excuse for a holiday and seeing your mum etc, or just turn down the invite. You mum IBVVU.

manicmij · 25/04/2018 18:28

Given the logistics of family members and fear of offending those not invited why not just go and get married with no guests or perhaps just parents and siblings if applicable
Would save a lot of hassle and offence.

Thisisharderthaniexpected · 25/04/2018 18:40

Your mum’s cousin?! So not even immediate family...? Stuff that. Don’t bother inviting them to any part of the wedding and just get in touch to let them know that you’re getting married but it’s a small wedding so can’t invite them as much as you would like to. Or let your mum do it!

Sparklyglitter · 25/04/2018 18:44

What’s important is what you both want not what your mother wants! I personally would stick to your guns and when you send the invites to extended family I would try and get across a sort of apology/ understanding if they can’t make it...maybe have a family bbq/afternoon tea afterwards to show photos if you are happy to...

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 25/04/2018 18:53

I think inviting someone to an evening do with a 14 hour round trip is the equivalent of sending a note saying please DO NOT attend our wedding, Token invite only enclosed

I agree. There's no way I'd travel for 14 hours to attend a wedding reception and I wouldn't feel bad about declining as I'd just assume that the B&G weren't particularly bothered about me being there in the first place.

tillytoodles1 · 25/04/2018 19:04

My daughter's getting married in Sept and is not having evening invites, just everyone there all day. There'll be about 80 people. I wouldn't expect people to travel for that length of time just for an evening do.

Angelil · 25/04/2018 19:13

Don't bother with the evening do. If you must have something then have it at a later date.

Ginger1982 · 25/04/2018 19:39

Just so I understand this, you're having a ceremony for X people and then going off for 2 hours leaving X to entertain themselves. Then Y people are to join X people for a BBQ. I don't think Y people will travel 7 hours for that and I would laugh if I got that invite.

I agree 2 hours is quite long to be completely away from guests. What about pics with your family? Are they going with you to the special spot or will X guests have to wait even longer while you get those photos done when you get back to your evening do? What happens if it's raining? Where will your guests go? Think you need to think this through a bit more.

WTFiswrongwithpeople · 25/04/2018 20:18

Does it cost anything to have extra people at the ceremony? And you’re not having a sit down meal? Yep it’s your wedding, you do as you (and your partner) please but still find this whole tradition of people not being invited to the ceremony as bloody rude.

BlondeB83 · 25/04/2018 20:19

YANBU bu I wouldn’t expect people to travel 7 hours for an evening do.

browneyes77 · 25/04/2018 20:38

But it's the OP's mum's cousins and their children, not the OP's cousins. That's flipping well extended family to me.

Technically her moms cousins are her 2nd cousins and their kids are her 3rd cousins. In our family cousins are cousins whether 1st or 2nd, but then we’re a close family anyway.

Ok, me being pedantic out of the way Grin

This is YOUR wedding OP. You do it the way you want to. Unless your mother wants to pay for every man and his dog to come then she doesn’t get a say.

Yes a 14 hour round trip is a long way to come for an evening do. But nobody is forcing them to go. And as long as your ok with people declining, I see no reason why you shouldn’t invite them. It shows you’ve still thought about including them in some way.

You’ve got the photo’s gap covered with the people who are going to be at the day ceremony, so everyone is happy there and it suits the guests.

If people don’t want to travel to the evening do, that’s fair enough as it is a long way to go for a BBQ and a few drinks. As long as you’re prepared for people not to come.

SJRaRa · 25/04/2018 20:38

We're having a very small wedding, just immediate family so 8 of us in total, but then having an evening reception a couple of weeks later. Could you do that? We've found that people are more than happy with not coming to the wedding and just want to celebrate with us at the party, so much so we've got friends flying over from Italy and Spain

Zoejj77 · 25/04/2018 20:45

I understand why you might want pictures but what do you expect people to do while you are gone? You don’t have to do a formal sit down but food and drink is pretty standard to provide if you want guests to attend and wait for you. It would be very boring for them. Otherwise elope and take your photographer!

FaveNumberIs2 · 25/04/2018 21:06

Your wedding, your rules.

And your mother knows that.

SpiritedFlame · 25/04/2018 22:12

Do what is right for you.

I got married, bended to my in law's wishes and now ex husband. It didn't go well. The day was okay but it didn't feel like my wedding. It felt like theirs and even when everything was happy between us, it felt we hadn't had "our" day and just a day for his parents if I am honest so do what is right for you and your OH.

I hope you have a lovely day!

Flopsymopsycottontailbuns · 25/04/2018 23:14

Do what you want however... to get more out of your "evening do" maybe start it early say 5pm instead of the usual 7?

Teacher22 · 26/04/2018 06:41

The least you can get away with for a catered wedding event is about £100 a person these days so ask your mother for a contribution of this amount for any guest she wishes to invite.