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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another wedding AIBU

170 replies

livelyredjellybean · 24/04/2018 10:43

So, my DP and I are arranging our wedding for September this year. (Yes there is a good reason for the rush, can’t explain as it’s outing.)

We want a small, quiet ceremony followed by pictures at another location that’s special to us before returning for the evening do. We aren’t planning a sit down meal or anything. The special site pictures are the ONLY thing I really want on the day.
I talked this through with my mum who went pretty ballistic at me, saying she would be embarrassed if her family (her cousins and their offspring) were only invited to the evening do which is what we were intending. I can understand as they would be travelling an awful long way (7 hours one way) but if we invited everyone it would almost double the number of people we want at the ceremony.

Am I being unreasonable by only inviting them to the reception? Or is my mother for threatening not to come if they aren’t invited?

OP posts:

GnotherGnu · 24/04/2018 11:34

If your cousins live 7 hours away, how much do you see them anyway? I suspect that, of necessity, it can't be much, and it would be ridiculous to plan your entire wedding around their convenience. If they don't want to travel that distance, obviously they don't have to.

dandelion102017 · 24/04/2018 11:36

When I got married (wrong person, pure disaster of a marriage!) I was the same as you, did not want anything big, fuss free ect. Families got involved and COMPLETLEY took over, I didn't even like my dress, but MIL paid for it, basically I had no backbone and the whole thing was a screaming mess with people moaning constantly about who was invited to what blah blah. I am planning on marrying again ( nothing set yet by any means) but this time I will 100% have the small ceremony we both want, with only a small number of family and friends there. Weddings are to celebrate you both, not to keep up appearances with family members you see once every 7 years- if you didn't feel like you have to invite them at night would you? Planning a wedding makes you realise why people bugger off and do it in secret!!!!
You are not being unreasonable- they have the option not to attend, its you and your soon to be husbands day- make sure it stays like that!!! xx

Lizzie48 · 24/04/2018 11:37

I had a similar dilemma when we got married. My MIL wanted us to invite all her cousins to the wedding. But thankfully, they were fairly local, so they were happy with an evening invitation. Same with my work colleagues.

It's different if they're a long distance away, so I do doubt they'll accept. It can work, actually, I remember going to a friend's wedding where I was only invited to the evening do that was a long way away. There was a group of friends who were all only invited to the evening do, and we had a great time catching up over a meal in an Italian restaurant as I recall. But if you didn't know anyone, and it was only a wedding for a distant relative you hardly knew, then no way.

Having said that, your DM is being ridiculous, and throwing her toys out of the pram.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/04/2018 11:37

I don’t think you can invite people living so far away just to the evening party. To me, it almost sounds a if you want them to decline. An alternative would be to find a pretext as to why to split the days. So have a really small wedding, which is what I think you want one day. Big party a few weeks later - after the honeymoon for example. Rather like people do when they have a destination wedding.

pasturesgreen · 24/04/2018 11:38

So these are your mother's cousins and their children we're talking about? Then problem solved I think. Sorry to be blunt, but there's no way it's highly unlikely these people will want to go to the expense and bother of travelling 7 hours each way just to see you get married.

ittakes2 · 24/04/2018 11:41

I am normally very firmly in the camp of its your wedding you do it as you want it....but on this occasion I do think saying to family we don't think you are special enough to be there for our actual ceremony - but do travel 7hrs to stand around with us and have some nibbles is a bit much. sorry but it sounds like you might be better off eloping with just very close family

Bramble71 · 24/04/2018 11:41

If I were in your position, I'd do away with the evening reception. Saves a lot of heartache all round. Then you can really put your foot down over what you want to do right after your ceremony.

I wouldn't be offended at an evening invite, but I'd probably decline if it meant a long trip to get there.

happypoobum · 24/04/2018 11:46

I think it is fine to invite people just to the evening so long as you are not offended when they decline.

Can you expand upon the bit where you have the ceremony and then you disappear, then there is no meal, and then people come back later for an evening do? That is confusing me a bit.

I probably wouldn't hang around - would probably come and enjoy the ceremony and then go to the pub home.

WomaninGreen · 24/04/2018 11:48

Do you want an evening reception? If not, then don't have have it

Are you saying the only invitees would be doing a 7 hour round trip for a party you don't want anyway? Waste of time and money all round.

dany174 · 24/04/2018 11:50

Okay I was going to say that it is insulting to invite people who are coming from so far to the party only ... until I saw you are talking about your mothers cousins and their children. I'm assuming that you don't know these people that well. Then that is perfectly fine.

We get these invites now and again. Usually because we are friends of the family but don't know the bride and groom that well. When it involves travel we never go, and they don't really expect us to. Its just the curtesy of having invited you and if you happened to be in the neighbourhood at the time it would be nice to drop by.

I think the best solution for you is to not invite them. My cousin did this. His mother called my father to explain they where having a small wedding and only inviting close friends and family. So my parents where invited but not me and my brother (because we had not seen them for 20 years or so). Everyone understood, no hard feelings, I was glad I did not have to go and travel far for a person I had not seen or spoken to since I was 15.

If however these are people you know well then expecting them to travel 7 hour, pay for a hotel and travel back 7 hours, then that is insulting. You are basically saying they are not good enough to be in the ceremony group. So be carful who you send these type of invitations to.

steppemum · 24/04/2018 11:52

OP - in Holland, the bride and groom usually go and get their photos done together BEFORE the ceremony. So the morning is theirs, lost of photos, and then they arrive at venue and walk down the aisle together, then the reception.

Would that work?

Another way is to have a ceremony with lot of people, then have champagne and cake and speeches at the ceremony venue, and then leave with a small group to go to a restaurant for the wedding breakfast. But that usually works when you have a lot of local people, wouldn't work for you long distant relatives.

GinIsIn · 24/04/2018 11:52

I think perhaps to your mum it might seem like you are prioritising pictures over people.

If you don’t want to have a big wedding then don’t have one, but it is a bit rude to ask people to travel all that way just for an evening reception.

Stephisaur · 24/04/2018 11:55

What are your timings for the day?

If your "evening" do starts at like 5pm, then that will be better than one that starts at 7pm ifkwim?

We invited cousins to our evening do. It was too far for some to travel, but it is what it is.

WazFlimFlam · 24/04/2018 11:55

The issue is slightly confused by the fact that you aren't having a reception immediately following the ceremony, just an 'evening do'. The term 'evening do', and the reason people are quite disparaging about this, is usually used for the part of the reception that happens after the wedding breakfast, so the fact you are not having a reception makes this a bit or a misnomer.

Your guests coming to the ceremony will be hanging around waiting for the 'evening do', as there is no other reception from what you have said? In which case what you are asking of your 'evening do' guests is not all that much worse, in fact some would say better than what you are asking of your guests who are coming to the ceremony.

However, despite the semantics I kind of agree with the other posters. You can either have a small little wedding or a big family one, this slightly odd half way house is a bit unfair on the people who yes, will have to travel 7 sodding hours to an evening party. As it is your wedding they may feel obliged but not really want to come to your wedding under those arrangements, and this could breed resentment.

TwittleBee · 24/04/2018 11:58

Literally had this with my mum and sisters! In the end I have stopped all this wedding arrangements and now just having a 2+2 Wedding at our beautiful town hall with our 2 best friends (who are also a couple)! We can still go and grab the photos we wanted in our special place, with our friends doing the photography for us, and we are having a proper fancy meal out in a wedding venue we could never have afforded if it was anymore than just the 4 of us! All in at £500 too

nursy1 · 24/04/2018 11:59

How about if the morning after you arrange a morning walk and a picnic/ barbecue. Or book everyone in at a pub for lunch. That will make a weekend of it for those coming a long way. Half the point of a wedding is getting the family together.
Alternatively I’m with the poster who said just have your ceremony and pictures and keep it very small and quiet.

TheDetectorist · 24/04/2018 12:00

Honestly... being invited to only the evening of a wedding like this would be infinitely preferable to being invited to the whole day in which I’d have to get dressed up for the ceremony, entertain myself for several hours (getting own food!) while the bride & groom were off somewhere else & then go back for the evening do. I have been to a wedding like this & it was only enjoyable to the couple getting married. They are obviously the most important but some consideration needs to be given to what your guests can do for the time you’re away.

But YANBU on that you can invite who you want to each bit & it’s up them to decide if it’s too far to travel just for the evening

nursy1 · 24/04/2018 12:02

Could you have the pictures before the ceremony? Bit weird but why not?

Then relatives could have ceremony and evening do.

ShatnersWig · 24/04/2018 12:04

I never understand why people get offended about "evening only" invites. I have known very few weddings that didn't have them. It's not about people not being good enough; it's about not having room or money to invite everyone you'd love to share in the day.

If I was to get married, I'd inevitably not be able to afford a big enough sit down meal for everyone I'd love to have there. So I'd have an evening do with band and buffet and invite loads of others. I would NOT expect any of them to bring a gift - just come for a disco or band and some food and a great evening. Nor would I get arsey if they couldn't come. At the same time, I probably wouldn't invite people from 7 hours away JUST for the evening.

TwittleBee · 24/04/2018 12:04

Also I had planned a short poem for the invite to explain how we were having a close, intimate ceremony then followed by a larger evening do: I have adapted it for you below (but I cannot post the 2nd half as it is too Outing!)

In September we will be tying the knot
With a close few in an intimate spot
But please do come celebrate with us after
With evening food, drinks and lots of laughter

Bitchywaitress · 24/04/2018 12:10

I don't think the OP will come back to this.

Possibly her plans are as awkward as everyone is suspecting they are.

happypoobum · 24/04/2018 12:12

Twittle A poem???

This is mumsnet.

GinIsIn · 24/04/2018 12:17

Oh god don’t do a poem!!

Willow2017 · 24/04/2018 12:17

If you are onmy invited to the evening do why would you have to go early and hang around 'entertaining' yourself?
Just go at the time you are supposed to!
Pretty normal around here. Not everyone can afford nor wants a huge wedding then paying for a meal for 100 people. Evening do usually has a bar and buffet which is fine.
If they dont want to go thats thier choice.

Nothing at all to do with your mother op. Your wedding your choices.

CocoaGin · 24/04/2018 12:21

I'd ask them to the ceremony, then send them somewhere for a meal/afternoon tea while you are having your photos done. It doesn't have to cost a fortune, and that way people are entertained until the evening.

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