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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another wedding AIBU

170 replies

livelyredjellybean · 24/04/2018 10:43

So, my DP and I are arranging our wedding for September this year. (Yes there is a good reason for the rush, can’t explain as it’s outing.)

We want a small, quiet ceremony followed by pictures at another location that’s special to us before returning for the evening do. We aren’t planning a sit down meal or anything. The special site pictures are the ONLY thing I really want on the day.
I talked this through with my mum who went pretty ballistic at me, saying she would be embarrassed if her family (her cousins and their offspring) were only invited to the evening do which is what we were intending. I can understand as they would be travelling an awful long way (7 hours one way) but if we invited everyone it would almost double the number of people we want at the ceremony.

Am I being unreasonable by only inviting them to the reception? Or is my mother for threatening not to come if they aren’t invited?

OP posts:
Flexoset · 24/04/2018 16:54

what we actually want rather than what we are expected to have.

This!
It's your wedding. Not anyone else's.

I don't think it's rude to invite people to an evening do only, even if it's a long way away. They can always say no if they don't want to do it - their choice. They know you remembered them and thought of them, and that's perfectly polite. Or you could just not invite them at all- fine if it's a small wedding or if you're not close.

Your mum sounds appalling. Anyone who makes threats like that should have their bluff called (in my opinion. Your situation may be different.) People who pull that kind of stunt are no loss.

Whocansay · 24/04/2018 17:06

Do you really want the evening do at all?

If not don't have it and just have the intimate bit that you want. If your mother wants to cut off her nose to spite her face, let her get on with it. It's your wedding and not hers.

I wouldn't be offended to be invited to an evening do though. Especially if you make it clear that the wedding was only small and intimate. People can choose to come or not. Just don't ask for presents. You'll probably get them anyway, but that would irk me for an evening only invitation.

LagunaBubbles · 24/04/2018 17:08

Are people not reading the bloody OP? She’s not having a sit down meal, she’s not having two receptions. It’s just the ceremony and the evening do

I can read it perfectly well thanks. Just because shes not having a sit down meal doesnt mean she cant feed guests - as it is shes having a BBQ. There is no way you should have a wedding and invite guests if you arent prepared to cater for them.

Original poster
livelyredjellybean · 24/04/2018 17:10

Genuinely presents are the last thing I want or expect, invites will state no presents!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 24/04/2018 17:15

'We really don’t want a big wedding or party, and to be honest inviting the extended family is more to do with a sense of obligation than actually wanting everyone there.

Maybe my DP and I need to have more of a conversation about what we actually want rather than what we are expected to have.

And I really don’t care that the photos I want are selfish or wanky; they’re going to be on my wall for the rest of my life, so I really want them done.'

Then just have that. Forget about having a 'do' at all. Your mother's not your boss. She's not paying for it. You're an adult. Have the ceremony and then go for your photos and that's it.

allchangenochange · 24/04/2018 17:18

You won't be able to please everyone. Given your update it may work better to just have a small wedding and small reception.

bettytaghetti · 24/04/2018 17:24

If you're not going straight away on honeymoon, could you arrange a family lunch for the day after to make it worth their while coming for the weekend? We had a lunch the next day and it was lovely as everyone was much more relaxed with the excitement of the day before out of the way, and meant we got to spend more time with relatives that we don't see too often.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 24/04/2018 17:43

Really don't have a big old party out of a sense of obligation, no one will enjoy it.

I totally don't understand your photos thing at all but if it's what you really want beyond all else, have the small wedding ceremony and a toast/picnic alongside the photos and all go home

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 24/04/2018 17:44

your mum can have a party with her cousins any time she likes. its not an essential part of your marriage.

I didn't invite my own cousins to my wedding let alone my mums cousins and their kids.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 24/04/2018 17:46

A seven hour trip for a wedding where they don't even get to see the actual marriage, I agree with your mum in that it's poor manners.

Either scale down numbers so the guests attend everything or save for longer to include everyone. Evening invites just send a message saying you're not important enough to see me get married but we want the numbers and gifts making up later.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 24/04/2018 17:49

I'd just disowns with the guests too, it seems to be all about the photos and the guests are just in the way. A huge gap to do nothing in and then a BBQ isn't a wedding most would want to attend. Far better to pop to the registry office then take a camera to the all important photo location to make your walls look good.

Plumsofwrath · 24/04/2018 17:54

yes, you need to work out what you want to do. You’re aiming for small, personal, no great entertainment. Your mum wants her clan to travel 7 hours to be at her daughter’s wedding. The two things don’t correlate.

She’s right to blow her top at your suggestion because she hasn’t twigged that you don’t want to have the wedding she wants you to have. Sort that out and the rest will fall into place.

Original poster
livelyredjellybean · 24/04/2018 17:56

I genuinely thought an invite to just the evening was less rude than no invite at all, but if that isn’t the general consensus then it makes more sense to not invite them at all. It’s not a cost issue, it’s more about us as a couple being uncomfortable in front of lots of people - especially as my DP hasn’t even met my mum’s cousins!

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 24/04/2018 18:19

Everybody waits around pissed off and kicking their heels until they're wanted again

What rubbish! This is OPs family and friends and Grooms family and friends - they don't need entertaining!! I'm sure as adults they can sit and eat a picnik and you know talk to each other!!

I also think having been invited is much better than no invite even if I chose not to attend at least I have a choice and it's not just '3 hours at a party' it's catching up with large numbers of people who don't often get together ..... I'd go .... saves me visiting individual relatives when I can see them all in one go!

JessieMcJessie · 24/04/2018 18:22

Nobody was invited to our wedding who was not a friend that we would have spent time with by choice on an occasion other than a wedding. So that included some family, but only the ones we were properly close to. Don’t give a second thought to offending distant family members, it’s your wedding, they’ll get over it if indeed they care at all. Your Mum just has to accept that not everyone does things in the same way.

My brother didn’t invite our own cousins to his wedding (it had 10 guests in total), never mind our Mum’s cousins. They still talk to him.

StealthNinjaMum · 24/04/2018 18:26

I can't really empathise because I can't imagine wanting me and dh in a photo shoot on our wedding day. We have lots of lovely photos of our wedding, wth just the two of us and with our guests and it seems a bit vain over the top to have a two hour photo session as a separate part of the day. It feels like you're snubbing the 'lucky' people who have been invited to the ceremony as well as the relatives who you don't actually want there.

I have been invited to wedding evening do's and always been pleased to be invited but never from someone who expected me to travel for more than two hours each way. It is really obvious you don't care about the expense and inconvenience to them and you don't want them there. Perhaps this is why your dm is upset, it's your effort to cut ties with people who she doesn't want to cut ties with. I can understand why she would be embarrassed.

Most people I know enjoyed their weddings but said they didn't spend enough time with their guests and it passed by in a whirlwind - it doesn't sound like you want to spend any time with anyone other than your fiancee so perhaps you should just get married on your own somewhere.

Buxbaum · 24/04/2018 18:29

It doesn’t really matter whether a partial invitation is better than none at all. You don’t actually want them there. Plan the wedding that you want.

StarCutterCookie · 24/04/2018 19:00

Pictures aren't wanky if they're not at done at expensive of everyone else's time/patience.

30-60 min, annoying but fair enough
2 hours - ott and selfish

Some people might be alright with waiting for hours, others take it as a snub that they're only there to picked up and put down as the b&g desire. We were at a wedding last year where there was a three hour gap between the ceremony and reception. By the time reception came around most people were bored witless waiting outside a shut venue and then had another 7 hours of 'celebrations' to go. Being a family we already spoke to each other most days so there was no catching up to do.

Have a lovely day with yr oh and scale back the evening imo, or look at the timings of your day and rework it.

Mightymucks · 24/04/2018 19:24

laguna, what on earth makes you think that was addressed to you rather than all the other posters who thought she was having a sit down meal before the evening do? Confused

nursy1 · 24/04/2018 20:31

We were once invited to a summer barbecue. It was in a big marquee in our neighbors garden, lots of guests, after the meal Dad stood up and said;

“ Wonderful to see you all here, it’s been a wonderful day all round as it happens because xxx and xxxx got married this morning”

Could you pull off something like this?

Helpmeplan · 25/04/2018 07:44

Do what you and dp want op. If you are genuinely concerned about fall out call your mums cousins and tell them the situation.

getalifesonny · 25/04/2018 10:21

Why don't you spread it out? Get married one day with close family around and get your pictures taken. Then invite others on next day to a celebration meal. It will me more relaxed and will give every one a chance to catch up with out having the stress of wedding.

AJPTaylor · 25/04/2018 10:28

Dont do an evening do.

clarkl2 · 25/04/2018 17:30

Tell your mother to get bent. Your wedding. Your day. Your decisions.

Turquoise123 · 25/04/2018 17:40

then maybe your Mother needs to plan an event for the following day for her family ? She needs to host a get together for them.