Another wedding AIBU

[livelyredjellybean]

So, my DP and I are arranging our wedding for September this year. (Yes there is a good reason for the rush, can’t explain as it’s outing.)

We want a small, quiet ceremony followed by pictures at another location that’s special to us before returning for the evening do. We aren’t planning a sit down meal or anything. The special site pictures are the ONLY thing I really want on the day.
I talked this through with my mum who went pretty ballistic at me, saying she would be embarrassed if her family (her cousins and their offspring) were only invited to the evening do which is what we were intending. I can understand as they would be travelling an awful long way (7 hours one way) but if we invited everyone it would almost double the number of people we want at the ceremony.

Am I being unreasonable by only inviting them to the reception? Or is my mother for threatening not to come if they aren’t invited?

Normally I'd say you're the bride do what you want and ignore your mother.

BUT...

I can just imagine an AIBU from a relative's perspective.

'Dear mumsnet, my cousin lives 7 hours away from me (one way) and she has invited me and my dc to her wedding 'evening do''. I don't want to upset her by declining but AIBU to not go? I know it's 5 months away but I'm not sure I can afford to buy a dress, gift, pay for transport, food and a hotel room. The journey will be awful for just 3 or 4 hours and I don't really feel wanted.'

Been to two weddings where the bride and groom have gone off to have photos taken. On both occasions we had tea, coffee, cake whilst waiting for them to come back!

Poshest wedding I ever went to was a ceremony attended by about 300, drinks back at the Hurlingham Club with Champagne and canapés, speeches, home. No meal. No evening do. But I didn't travel 7 hours to get there.,

We had a very small wedding, under 50 guests, got married early afternoon, had sit down meal, then evening reception. No extra invites for the evening just the day guests. That was almost 20 years ago.

If I was doing it now, I would get married as late as possible and just have the evening for a sit down meal and a band on.

Photos wise you could get them done before the ceremony and if it was me I would. It would be lovely to spend the morning or early afternoon with Dh doing that and then get married later on in the day.

If your Mum is threatening not to attend the wedding she is hoping her toddler tantrum will result in you changing your plans. DON'T. Have the wedding you want, not what someone else wants.

YANBU from me, provided you're not going to be offended if people choose not to travel that far. It's your wedding, you're entitled to do what you like, your prospective guests are free to decline the invitation if it's too far. Unless she's paying (and possibly even then), your mum is being unreasonable.

We had a very small ceremony and then a party in the evening. We invited all our extended family, including some from far-flung parts of the country and even overseas. One friend flew in from Canada, but others chose not to travel 100 miles. Both were fine (obviously v. happy to have the Canadian friend there!).

We (now, not at the time of the wedding) live in a fairly remote part of the UK. We will happily travel long distances to be at friends' celebrations (e.g. did a 650 mile overnight round trip for a 40th recently). But equally, I'd be a bit surprised if anyone was offended if we didn't.

Happy planning.

Really don't get why you won't just get married later and have the one reception. A friend just married on Sunday and it was ceremony at 5 and then meal at a restaurant. No 'do's. Or do what Hillarious suggests, but again, doubt people will travel 7 hours each way for that scenario.

Think outside the box, there doesn't need to be a sit down meal, but there also doesn't need to be 'Come to the ceremony! Then fuck off for 5 hours somewhere and come back for a non-party'.

You can do what you wish, it's an invitation not a summons as MN is fond of saying, but you would be utterly unreasonable if you kicked off at people who say no to attending. A 14 hour round trip for an evening do is absolutely not something I would do, nor would I expect anyone to make that journey, certainly not for a party only invitation.

I think you need to prepare for lots of 'thanks but no thanks' responses.

The reception doesn't have to be a sit down meal, why not have a buffet and invite everyone to the whole thing? And tge suggestion of doing the photos on a different day is a really good one.

Your wedding, you decide.
But, some people might not come if they have to travel 7 hours for an evening do. Be sure you won't be upset if they decline for that reason.

Your plans work if you are having a tiny number of people at the ceremony. Like, less than ten. Because it means the actual event is the party in the evening (maybe don’t call it a reception?) which are invited to.

Your mum is being ridiculous.

TBH I think your mother's got a point

Weddings where people have to wait around for Bride and Groom for hours aren't great. Poor hosting.

Get the photos done at special location first, or on another day.

Don't invite the cousins and second cousins at all.

I suspect also that a lot of mothers of women getting married now may well have got married 20-30-40 years ago themselves and as such had much more parental/mother involvement as it was more done then (and likewise, they would have experienced even more themselves).

As such, particularly if the dm had to have lots of people that she didn't want at her ceremony or do things differently from the way that she would have wanted, she may well have spent years planning 'her' wedding - ie her dd's (yours!) wedding as she comes from an era when it was the bride's mum that did lots of the decision making.

Of course, times have moved on and these days brides are pesky and want to sort out their own weddings, not have the weddings that their mums want them to have . It's good for the brides obviously - but sad for those mums that have fallen into the middle changeover years where they're young enough for their mum's to have taken over their own weddings but old enough that their dd's do their own weddings, meaning that they never get to have the input that they had been dreaming of for years...

Doesn't mean that you should give in to her demands though!

Maybe worth keeping in mind as one explanation of her behaviour - I know it's a huge generalisation, and it won't be true for many many people, but having been experienced it with my mum and seen friends experience it with their mothers over the years, it definitely seems to happen to a fair few!

Dsis got married first so she got the brunt of it in my case - I found that talking to dmum about her memories of her own wedding, as well as her expectations and hopes for mine was useful - both to remind her that she didn't like being dictated to for her own wedding (thus why would I want to be dictated to for mine, when she has successfully raised an independent critical thinking dd!) and to find something that she liked that I also liked and would have gone for anyway to let her think that she was getting some input...

And of course there's the fact that they still think of you as their little dd (and still will do, even when you are both claiming your pensions!)... suspect that's always going to be hard one to break!

Disclaimer to post above
If the evening party is The MAIN EVENT not some crappy evening disco, that's different.
Do the photos first, have a teeny-tiny ceremony, then straight to party early as poss, you arrive ceremoniously, speeches, toasts, food, cake, sense of occasion etc.

I think you just need to let everyone know the timetable when you invite them. And I'd probably invite to both the ceremony and evening if you can fit them in.
Say something like: Sorry we know its a bit unconventional but these are the plans for the day 12 noon Ceremony, then 1:30 to 6:00 pm free time and then Reception 6:00 pm at X Pub (or whatever). You can give them a list of possible things to do during their free time (local Tourist office can help).
Then people can accept or decline - their choice.

I once got invited to a wedding but only the ceremony and evening do - I didn't think it was worth a whole day off work so just turned up to the evening do.

I went to a wedding a few years back, very very small ceremony (I was bridesmaid) no more than 20, then people were invited for afternoon tea, and the evening reception with hot food. The bride has anxiety disorder and couldn't face walking down the aisle in front of over a hundred people. No one minded a good time was had by all. It's your wedding not your mum's and if people think it's too far for evening only that's their choice. Hope you have a lovely day x

OP your poem hasn't answered any questions....

bubunny the flip side of that is that today's mother of the bride's have not got a clue how much time and money goes into planning a wedding. They can be quite heavy on opinion and light on practicality.

I don't go for the general opinion on here that an evening invite is a snub. if I get one, I think how nice they've invited me.

But no way would I travel 7 hours each way to go to one.

What are you planning to feed your guests that are coming all day?

I am confused by people not being happy with an evening invite too... especially when it is going to be your main after wedding part as you aren't having a formal reception.

For me, whenever we have family BBQs or birthday parties etc we invite family/friends no matter where they live and some live in Australia! We aren't gonna be offended if they cant make it but sometimes they do as they will tie it in with visiting other family/friends that way.

So for me a wedding evening invite is surely a much more important and exciting thing to attend? Same rule would still apply though, at not being offended if they cant (/dont want to) come.

I would maybe just give your cousins etc a phone call to explain the situation and that you aren't being rude or snubbing them as you are doing it that way for everyone as you only want a small ceremony. A phone call should be made before the invite too so you can forewarn them in case it looks like you are only phoning to defend yourselves once you have heard they aren't happy with the invite etc (if that makes sense?)

Don't do a poem that just rubs in the fact you're not that close to them

Are you giving them any food at all? It's a bit much to drive 7 hours there and 7 hours back if not!

On reflection I agree with PP that actually the "Evening Only" guests have the better deal (aside from the ones OPs mother wants to invite from far far away)

@livelyredjellybean what are you thinking your guests will be doing whilst you and DH are off having photos taken? How many hours will you be gone for? I do agree it's piss poor hosting if you're just leaving them to their own devices.

Will it just be you and DH having the photos done or are you expecting some of the wedding party to come too? How will you feed and water them? It doesn't sound like the practicalities have been considered but you may have a stunning plan to drip feed.

I don’t think its being unreasonable to just invite them to the evening, as long as you won’t be offended if they say no.

We have done the same at our wedding. Half of the family was not invited as it would have been too much.
We still receive nasty comments 6 months later...
I had my dream wedding and would never change anything about it.
Stay strong xx

bunny waz Don't generalize about DMs! My DCs are at peak wedding with friends getting married left right and centre. The weddings have varied from v small to v large on budgets ditto. I gather (a) the DMs (guess Forties to Fifties so married twenty/thirty years ago in some cases) neither expected to have rellies/friends of their choosing nor dictated anything, whether contributing financially or not. I suspect most people have DMs and DMils who are great - we just hear about the other sort on AIBU.

The OP is BU expecting people to hang around for an hour minimum while she gets her photos taken .. and longer if she wants standard photos too - and providing nothing to eat before presumably a buffet in the evening sometime. Her mother is being BU presuming her cousins should be invited - unless they're planning a major holiday, a 7-hour flight (RSA?) just for an evening do is ludicrous.

Normally evening do invites are for people who are not invited to the meal (because of cost).

You’re not having a meal and it won’t cost you anything to have people at the ceremony. The only reason for people not to be at the ceremony is because you don’t want them there. It’s rude.

Don’t expect people to make a 7 hour trip if you’re telling them they’re not important enough to be at the ceremony.

If cost is a factor that’s understandable. But a two tier wedding based for no reason is just rude.