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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another wedding AIBU

170 replies

livelyredjellybean · 24/04/2018 10:43

So, my DP and I are arranging our wedding for September this year. (Yes there is a good reason for the rush, can’t explain as it’s outing.)

We want a small, quiet ceremony followed by pictures at another location that’s special to us before returning for the evening do. We aren’t planning a sit down meal or anything. The special site pictures are the ONLY thing I really want on the day.
I talked this through with my mum who went pretty ballistic at me, saying she would be embarrassed if her family (her cousins and their offspring) were only invited to the evening do which is what we were intending. I can understand as they would be travelling an awful long way (7 hours one way) but if we invited everyone it would almost double the number of people we want at the ceremony.

Am I being unreasonable by only inviting them to the reception? Or is my mother for threatening not to come if they aren’t invited?

OP posts:
Norma27 · 24/04/2018 14:21

I had a tiny wedding. 20 people at actual wedding then an evening part for about 200. We did have people travel from Ireland and also several hours away in England for evening do. They understood that we wanted the wedding small, and equally we understood if people didn’t want to travel for the evening.
The Irish were family who will often come over for a few days so I suppose for them it was just another of those breaks with a party while they were here.

Mightymucks · 24/04/2018 14:23

Are people not reading the bloody OP? She’s not having a sit down meal, she’s not having two receptions. It’s just the ceremony and the evening do.

The OP is only talking about excluding people from the ceremony.

carefreeeee · 24/04/2018 14:34

I think you need to either invite them to the whole thing, or not invite them to any of it, or have the evening do on a different day so it isn't as if people have been deliberately left out.

Also I think you need to provide food at a party where people are travelling any distance - even if it was a birthday party/anniversary party, if people are making the effort to come 7 hours journey, they need to be adequately fed and watered. Could be a buffet or whatever but if you can't afford to provide anything for them it would be rude to invite them IMO.

Iloveacurry · 24/04/2018 14:38

It’s your wedding, not hers. Do what you want.

Cuppaoftea · 24/04/2018 14:39

YABU, if you were to have guests travelling that far you'd need to host them properly.

As pp have said why not keep everything small and intimate, have the guests at your ceremony travel with you to the venue for photos and perhaps have a meal near there? No evening do.

allchangenochange · 24/04/2018 14:59

You should have the wedding you want, not the wedding your mother wants. That said I don't think you can ask people people to travel for seven hours for an evening do without a proper meal. If the photos are what matter then maybe just have a really small wedding and a evening meal.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 24/04/2018 15:06

OP - can you say roughly what the timings are? If this is a late afternoon ceremony, short time on photos and straight into evening do with food I’d say YANBU. If there’s a massive gap between ceremony and party I think YABU.

captainbizzaro · 24/04/2018 15:17

Haha. Haven't RTFT but I was invited to and venting do this year... to a wedding in Spain. The cheek of it.

Needless to say I declined !

captainbizzaro · 24/04/2018 15:18

*an evening do Envy

bonnyshide · 24/04/2018 15:23

We had some very special photos taken, we did them before the ceremony.

I met my DH (to be) in a private area in the gardens and we had a glass of champagne together, all alone, it was very romantic and private. We then met photographer who had a few hours with us, we weren't rushed or worried about our guests, the photographer took his time and wasn't worried about losing the good light etc. We have the most amazing photos.

I then went off to freshen up make-up etc. And then had the ceremony, we stayed with our guests after ceremony, for drinks and then onto reception with them (only did a few more photos with family and a group one with guests) so we didn't leave guests to go off for photos.

Could this work? You could then invite everyone to late-ish ceremony and straight on to evening reception together. So all your guests get the whole experience.

RBW18 · 24/04/2018 15:26

This is YOUR wedding not your mothers. 7 hours is a long way to come but if they are aware it is only to the evening do I'm sure those who understand will still be happy to come. MIL dictated all sorts at our wedding and DH agreed to keep her happy and I've regretted it ever since. Stand your ground if your mother is threatening not to come if you don't bow down to her requests its her loss and one less mouth to feed

Original poster
livelyredjellybean · 24/04/2018 15:40

Thanks for all your replies.

Photos should take 2hours tops. The local people for the ceremony have other obligations during the day (care for relatives and animals) so a break would suit. For my family, I am planning some sort of entertainment - weather permitting a picnic or something similar. All ceremony goers would be welcome to that.
The evening do has a BBQ to feed hungry guests so yes there will be food on the day.
Having the do closer to my family is not possible, I want to get married here where I live. I’m really not keen on pictures before the ceremony or on another day as I want to capture the joy of our new marriage. Yes these pictures are important to me as we don’t have many of us.
I want to invite mum’s cousins as in my way of thinking it would be more offensive not to receive an invite at all! Am I wrong to think this way? I certainly wouldn’t be offended if family don’t wish to travel such a long distance at all.

OP posts:
itsbetterthanabox · 24/04/2018 15:55

I only invited People as evening guests if they lived close by. Anyone that needed to travel I'd have for the whole day.

FrancisCrawford · 24/04/2018 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ragwort · 24/04/2018 16:02

I just can't imagine inviting someone who lives seven hours away to an evening function, surely that is bonkers. Far better to have a smaller 'event' and then meet up with the relatives who live so far away another time. Confused.

AntipodeanOpalEye · 24/04/2018 16:08

7 hours for a BBQ is a bit rich, but as your preference is a small wedding I'm sure that what you'll end up with. It would need to be a bloody good sausage though.

StarCutterCookie · 24/04/2018 16:10

Disappearing for two hours to get your pictures done is wanky

We've been to many weddings like that and nobody thinks it's romantic and cute of the b&g to dump them like that. Everybody waits around pissed off and kicking their heels until they're wanted again.

It makes sense to have an evening/late ceremony and do your pictures before.

expatinscotland · 24/04/2018 16:12

7 hours for a BBQ? And it's in the evening so they'll have to spend the night. It's a bit of a stretch. Sounds like the photos are the most important part so I'd have the ceremony, tea/coffee and cake and be done with it.

GinIsIn · 24/04/2018 16:14

It really doesn’t sound like guests are your priority so just don’t have them at all.

Dancingmonkey87 · 24/04/2018 16:16

Why not just have a wedding just yourselves. You have very little
Interest in entertaining your guests.

Mightymucks · 24/04/2018 16:19

OP, I think you’re confusing everybody by referring to your reception as the ‘evening do’ when it’s actually just a non-traditional reception. Normally what evening do means is the entertainment after the sit down meal, not the main party. But you are inviting your relatives to the main party.

It’s perfectly normal for there to be a gap between the ceremony and reception/party for photographs. Usually guests go to the party venue and have pre drinks, that bit isn’t a problem, it’s entirely usual.

What is a problem is excluding some people purely from the ceremony. Most people exclude from sit down meals on cost grounds and invite those people to the ‘evening do’ for drinks and entertainment afterwards and again that is normal, no point in inviting those people to the ceremony with a 5 hour gap either.

What isn’t normal is having people invited to the main reception/party and not the ceremony. You might just get away with it if there are tight space restrictions but you don’t mention them. Excluding people from the ceremony but asking them to come and celebrate your wedding and presumably bring a gift is not on if you’re saying they’re not welcome at the ceremony for no other reason than you don’t want them there.

You either have to have a small wedding and just invite a few guests to celebrate with you. But if you want a big party as your reception you’re going to have to have a bigger wedding and invite all the guests too. Excluding people from the ceremony but expecting them to do the costly party bit is just plain rude.

willynillypie · 24/04/2018 16:21
  1. I think it's unpleasant to invite some people to only the evening.
  2. A 2 hour hiatus so you can take photos is cringe and selfish.
Bekabeech · 24/04/2018 16:22

I've been to plenty of Weddings where the Bride and Groom disappeared for 1 to 1 1/2 hours for photos. Often going to local beauty spots to have them done, but t the reception venue was near the ceremony venue.
Being forwarded means you can slope off for a drink or nap or as friends of the groom did once to pop to the bookies.

Lizzie48 · 24/04/2018 16:38

We stopped on the way to the hotel where the reception was taking place. But it was on route so we arrived not all that long after the guests did, as we left the church before them. Yes it did mean them having a 25 minute journey to the reception. But I put a lot of time into arranging lifts. I even arranged one lift on the day itself. (And yes, I did ask people, I didn't presume; I wouldn't do what the Bridezilla on the other thread did! Grin)

Original poster
livelyredjellybean · 24/04/2018 16:39

Thank you everyone, I do appreciate everyone’s honesty and opinions.

We really don’t want a big wedding or party, and to be honest inviting the extended family is more to do with a sense of obligation than actually wanting everyone there.

Maybe my DP and I need to have more of a conversation about what we actually want rather than what we are expected to have.

And I really don’t care that the photos I want are selfish or wanky; they’re going to be on my wall for the rest of my life, so I really want them done.

OP posts: