Should adult children pay ‘rent’ if living with parents?

[Twist89]

When I got a full time job and was living at home I was expected to give my parents money towards bills. Not a huge amount, and way less than I now spend in private renting.

But I’ve come across people who say their parents never made them do that, and others who say they don’t make their 20+ year old children pay anything. Some of these have kids living with them earning around £25k and they still pay nothing.

I find this quite shocking - AIBU?

Graphista I'm pretty sure that there is a connection from this kind of thing to the acres of posts on MN about men who don't take their share of the domestic load and spend hundreds on hobbies while begrudging their wives 'wasting' £4 on a pot of nail varnish.

Omg yes! Weezol - then you ask op what example their parents set and 9/10 the mothers a martyr that did everything for husband and kids (especially sons) and father did sod all!

As an old git divorcee I do feel like advising all younger women on the verge of entering committed relationships to take a bloody good look at

A how they REALLY behave now
B how his parents relationship works
C were they expected to pull their weight as older teens/adult DC

I'm sure it would avoid a lot of heartache.

I'm currently on 2 threads where men who are fathers are doing sod all and the women are doing everything.

For me, it depends on the financial situation of the parents. If the mortgage is paid off, I think it would be very unfair to charge commercial rent. If the parents are renting then a contribution towards that seems fair as they might be choosing a larger house to accommodate adult children than they would otherwise need. I would be uncomfortable asking children to pay off house equity so if mortgage payments were still ongoing, I’d look at the interest only amount rather than repayment. I think dividing council tax and some other bills would be fair as well. Basically, I wouldn’t want to make a profit from my children but would have no issue with taking a contribution for living costs as long as they could afford it and were earning well. If I was financially able to, I’d think about saving that to help them with a deposit etc.

I was, I paid most of my wages to my mum. She didn't have a mortgage, didn't provide food. But did do my laundry. Some months it was hard to have enough money to eat, but mum only wanted to work part time so once I was out of education and she stopped getting tax credits for me I had to make up the difference. I didn't earn enough for a room share so was trapped till I managed to take on two other jobs alongside my school hour roll.

I hope no matter what position I'm in, I'll be able to charge a fair rent and save some of it for their rental deposit when they leave home. I won't have my children struggling to eat in my own home.

Do they not use electric, gas, water, cleaning products? Create absolutely NO wear and tear on furniture, carpets, soft furnishings? I doubt it

They are my children, why on earth would I begrudge them any of that? They likely caused far more wear and tear as children then they would as adults. It just sounds petty.

It’s absolutely none of your business what other families do.

Do what you need to.

I always find this an interesting discussion. I don’t understand how an adult child, living in a house with their parents, having been supported all their life and now with disposable income with very little responsibility, and puke t have he basic respect for their parents to offer to assist with the household. To me it’s not about having to ask- it should be freely offered as it’s still a better deal than independent living would ever be. I really hope that if I still have an adult child, earning and adult wage at home, they will have been brought up to not see it as a negative to contribute to the household costs and do so happily.

Like another pp, I was amazed at the 'only £18k' comment. We have two adult dcs, one at home, one not. Until being made redundant a couple of years ago, Dh was earning £20k, so not much more than that. On that, plus my (lower) salary, we'd managed to raise our children, pay the mortgage and cover the bills with no other help than child benefit. One DC went to university and got maximum loan and was eligible for almost a full grant. When they were both in full time work, they were/are expected to contribute towards the costs that change as a result of them being here, so food, utilities etc. We do not ask them to pay towards housing costs, as they would be the same whether the dcs were here or not.
We certainly do not make money out of the dcs, they will always have a home here, but just as we have to pay for our home, so do they.

It's not "begrudging" it's being realistic. As actual children (ie still in full time education) they are dependants - as earning adults they're not.

Also they are all genuine costs - or do you not have these costs?

So when I was at college I didn't pay any debt and I didn’t pay any rent when I was at uni. However I've since lost my graduate job and due to a medical issue after job loss I have been on ESA and can hopefully get a job soon. As my mum is on a low wage it's only fair that fo give her some of my ESA every week and when I get a job and stay at home I’m giving her some of my wages for the rent because the council tax will go up with me living there, I used a lot of electric and gas during the winter to keep warm not to mention eating a lot of food. If the parent is on a rich/ decent income then there is no need for the child to pay and can delay them getting a house however if the family is struggling or on an low income then it's only right for the child who is making extra costs and is getting income to contribute

Personally I think that adult children should live by themselves, for both parties’ sakes. It is emotionally unhealthy to remain in a parent/child relationship when no longer a child. Often it leads to an unhealthy co dependency.

Having said that, due to economic reasons many adult children do live at home for a while. I think, for a stay, fine not to pay, if it becomes medium to long term both paying and contributing to chores is the best thing.

Yes, of course I charge them
They cost me a bloody fortune in water, food and electricity etc

My house is my home too, would be nice if I didn't have to pay the mortgage

I don't live with my mother, and I haven't done so since I was about 19, but I have special needs and she would never ask for rent, I know that. I would help with shopping on things though anyway, since I like to do that. But she wouldn't ask. She's always worrying about me and I'm in my 30s now.

If either of my (toddler and I’m pregnant now so aware that in the far far future!) children come back to live with me in adulthood I’d probably want them to contribute at least a small amount to food and bills, not as much as they’d have to if they lived alone so they could save some money as well, but as an adult they need to be aware that living costs exist and they need to get used to the fact that no one has their entire salary to spend on themselves. I think I’d be very disappointed if they lived with me, didn’t save, didn’t want to contribute to family meals etc and spent everything they earned. Like living with a child not an adult.

No we wont be taking money off our DD when she gets a job.
She has lived away since going to uni four year ago, will be moving back in this summer.
She doesn’t need any lessons in budgeting etc as shes been doing that already.

I moved home after living abroad for a few years, it was meant to be temporary while me and do looked for jobs / housing. We ended up staying for 3 years but got jobs quite quickly. We paid between us about 300£ a month to them and often did the food shop, we were on good wages so it enabled us to save for a deposit (which is why we ended up staying so long) I will be eternally grateful to my parents who let us do that as it meant we could buy quite quickly.

We all gave my parents a token amount each month but way, way below what it would have cost us to rent (say £250pm). Most of that has probably come back to us at some point when they have contributed towards sofas/appliances when we did move out. I certainly think that adult kids living at home should make at least some financial contribution to food and utiities. My brother wanted Sky when he was living at home, so paid for it himself as my parents weren't fussed about it.

Why wouldn’t you contribute to essential utilities you use in a shared home?

I lived at home for a year after uni but my mum didn’t charge rent. I was saving up for a quite a long distance move. I also bought and cooked my own food and did some cooking for my mum, did things around the house, paid all my own bills and frankly I kept my mum company (she would have lived alone otherwise so I think she was fairly grateful to have me there). I also wasn’t earning much. But I think it would have been reasonable to charge rent if it had been a longer term arrangement. She wouldn’t have done it, but yes, if I was 25 and living at home, that would be reasonable. I think I’d only do it with ours though if I knew they could and should be living on their own, out of school/uni, working full time, not saving with plenty of money to spend on stupid things. I’d probably be more inclined to help them pay a deposit on a flat and get them out living with flat mates.

As long as same parents arent wringing their hands about how to get rid of them its horses for courses innit

Hell yes it helps prepare them for the fiscal responsibility when they move out

Even when one of ours was on Jobseekers he still paid us a token amount.

It doesn't hurt them & most of their wages is spending money (or savings) when they live at home anyway.

I look at it as them paying for the cook, cleaner, butler & driver that comes with the house........

Asking your children to pay rent is quite crass. I would be shocked to hear of this happening (never heard anyone speak openly about this). But obviously adult children will contribute towards household expenses. Adult children living at home is norm in my culture. Rent is never charged and adult children always contribute as appropriate. No one ever starts demanding money from their own family like they are lodgers of some sort.

I'd prefer dcs to learn to save themselves rather than charging them rent and then saving on the sly. The learning to save, building the discipline of not spending to save for something in the future is the thing I want them to develop. Taking responsibility for themselves as adults means paying their own way and I would be disappointed in them if they felt after leaving full time education that their parents should still be financing their day to day expenses.
My kids are teens, we are working on these skills, their sense of responsibility, a certain amount of financial independence....it won't come as a shock to them but it's still a bit premature to decide now, how we are help them to achieve full financial independence in the future...they know they are expected to.
They have seen their cousins, on the dole, doing nothing but sitting around gaming, cousins having all their needs met, whose parents are on low income, bankrolling them. Their cousins feeling entitled to that and refusing to contribute. What's the difference between paying for a 17 year old and a 19 year old? - I think was one of their arguments too! So hard to watch Sil in financial hardship while her dcs live in her house and don't pay a penny. And I know I'm being judgy.

I think they should!
I got a job at 16 while still studying and lived at home until I was 22 - while I lived there I paid board, it wasn't a lot but it taught me to budget and I knew that that bit of money always had to go away.
My sister never bothered getting a job before going to uni and was never made to pay it. You can now definitely tell the difference as she is rubbish at saving money whereas I'm now 25 and a homeowner and can manage my money fine. I don't know if this is just a coincidence but I definitely think you should be taught that not all of your wages get to be spent on yourself