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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider bringing my DP with me?

349 replies

Tobringornottobring · 23/04/2018 14:24

Am meeting up with a small group of friends soon for afternoon tea and catch up.

The venue selected is about 25 miles from me; the major part of that journey is on one of the busiest motorways in the country.

I'm a relatively inexperienced driver. I use my car daily on my own but it's all town driving, with some dual carriageway. I have driven a couple of times briefly on the motorway but I've always had someone with me.

I've never driven to this place and I am apprehensive. I've offered to car share with another friend (they drive to me, then I drive) but they've said they've got some errands to run so are going early. The others going are travelling from other directions, so are further from me than the venue.

My DP doesn't have any plans and would happily accompany me in the car, or indeed drive me if I preferred (but I'd like to try the drive for my own confidence) DP gets on well with my friends but I don't want to be the person who always brings her partner along....

That said I'm really apprehensive about doing the drive on my own if I don't. Wwyd?

OP posts:
Wisdens · 23/04/2018 16:53

OP, take him. Leave him the car or whatever and enjoy your afternoon with your friends. Do what you think is right and ignore those digging at you here.

And make sure you have some French Fancies. The worlds best small cake!

pinkhorse · 23/04/2018 16:54

I really don't understand how having someone in the car with you will help at all? They aren't driving for you so they have no control over the car.

Original poster
Tobringornottobring · 23/04/2018 16:55

A taxi would be £50+, I really couldn't justify that cost. Especially not as I need to save money for motorway lessons.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 23/04/2018 17:00

A taxi would be £50+, I really couldn't justify that cost. Especially not as I need to save money for motorway lessons

Alright. You're definetly taking the piss now.

Bottom line is you don't want to meet your friends without him isn't it. Does he insist on coming along when you go out, or is it you won't go without him. This whole driving thing is now an excuse not to go without him.

I also suspect you are the one who "always" brings their partner.

Rachie1973 · 23/04/2018 17:00

Tobringornottobring

I have been quite clear about what I'm doing and I won't be driving on my own. Nor will I be going by public transport

I think perhaps driving is not for you

Oldbutstillgotit · 23/04/2018 17:02

I have a friend like you . She will only drive on certain roads so when I meet up with her and another friend she always brings her husband . He is a nice man but it totally changes the dynamic . She and the other friend live near London so I don’t see them often and my other friend and I would love it to be the 3 of us so that we can reminisce about our university days etc but feel we can’t as friend’s husband wasn’t there . Please don’t take him .

TokyoSushi · 23/04/2018 17:03

Get a grip OP!! Don't be one of those people who can only drive to certain places like MIL

Sometimes you just need to be brave and get on with it. You've no need to be restricted in this case.

Original poster
Tobringornottobring · 23/04/2018 17:05

I have also said I won't take him to the tea. I'm not sure why posters are still insisting I will? I've said nothing of the kind. Please try reading what I've actually written.

And the fact I can't afford £50 in a taxi surely can't be surprising. I doubt many people can.

OP posts:
CardinalCat · 23/04/2018 17:07

"the biggest cause of accidents in new drivers is overconfidence"

It's actually not overconfidence, but lack of experience in driving and road conditions. And the only way to gain experience is to get out there and drive!

However, you are clearly not to be persuaded and that's your choice- get yourself some pass plus motorway lessons and perhaps yo'll feel better about it.

I would forget my DP altogether in your shoes OP. You obviously can't take him to the tea, which you accept. But nor do you want him hanging around surely, as you'll wan top playthings by ear and not be looking at your watch. In your shoes I'd load up the kindle with some great reads, get some good playlists downloaded from Spotify onto my phone and take the public transport option. I love a good bus or train journey when I have a good book and some tunes.

Olddear · 23/04/2018 17:09

I understand you not wanting to drive on motorways, i don't like it either, and my DH would drive or come with me if I wasn't confident but he'd rather die than accompany me to afternoon tea with girlfriends!! Surely your DP wouldn't want or expect to do that????!

FreshStartToday · 23/04/2018 17:11

A taxi would be £50+, I really couldn't justify that cost. Especially not as I need to save money for motorway lessons. Grin I like it!

N2986 · 23/04/2018 17:12

Hi op I feel for you here. My mum is like this and wouldn't consider driving on a motorway either. I used to be a nervous driver but my job dictated my having to travel so I got used to it.

I'm sure your DH wouldn't mind amusing himself for a few hours, mine would happily sit in the car and play on candy crush given half a chance or read the paper. Ask him and let us know what he says

Original poster
Tobringornottobring · 23/04/2018 17:12

DP would happily come to the tea with me if I asked him to. He isn't the beer and football type thankfully.

Saying that, I wont be asking him to come to the tea, as I've said.

OP posts:
rebeccabecca · 23/04/2018 17:13

The motorways and A roads near you are not going to be any different to motorways around the rest of the country. The way you describe it makes it sound as though it's a place only bad drivers go.

Somebody nearly hit you? Why fret about something that could have happened, it didn't. Nobody hit you and you were fine.

If you cancel, especially after cancelling the last time (& taking your bag the time before?) I would imagine your friends will start to wonder how important it is to you to see them.

LadyB49 · 23/04/2018 17:13

For goodness sake. Have a bit of sense . Do not take dp to afternoon tea with your friends.
He'll be a laughing stock.

  1. Drive yourself, and stop making excuses.
  2. Take dp and he goes to the cinema/coffee shop with a book/driving range/swimming pool ?? Anything except with your friends.

If dh goes with you in the car.... It's only feeding your insecurities.

Have a dummy run beforehand and on the day out on your big girl knickers and just do it

ShameOnFew · 23/04/2018 17:14

Good lord. I can't believe you're even asking the question.

We have a friend who invites her partner to everything, and it's an absolute nightmare. Nothing wrong with him, but it changes the dynamic and, more importantly, he's not invited.

Rafflesway · 23/04/2018 17:15

OP, the black box seems to be making you paranoid and worryingly taking some of your concentration when actually driving.

To have an insurance premium of over £1k without the black box suggests to me possibly you are either very young or you have a car that is too powerful. (Although granted you won't have any NCB but would it really make such a massive difference?)

I agree it probably isn't a good idea for you to drive alone but taking your DP is a definite no no.

Your "Friend" doesn't appear very accommodating for some reason. I wonder why? 🤔. Running errands early? Surely a friend would have invited you along so long as you didn't mind setting off early. Then she has said she can't offer a lift back either! Hmm. How good friends are you all really? I am a very cynical person though but this would have made me think.

HeebieJeebies456 · 23/04/2018 17:17

Longer term I have already said I'll look into motorway lessons

The reasons you gave for not wanting to drive on this motorway - people speeding, undercutting etc.....well your lessons won't change their behaviour....

You're too nervous to drive alone on anything other than a 'baby' road, personally i don't think you should have license/be driving until this anxiety/nervousness is dealt with.
You also come across as very co-dependent - assuming car share/refusing other options and insisting on having dp/someone with you or else you won't go.

MsPavlichenko · 23/04/2018 17:19

If he'll happily come to the tea if you ask I 'll assume he"ll happily do something else for a few hours so that you can go yourself. If it is about helping you.

SandyY2K · 23/04/2018 17:20

if he doesn't want to hang around for a couple of hours then as I've said I'll decline or see

Would he actually think it right that he crashed a catch up with your friends though?

It's just my DH wouldn't want to If he was the only man ...and afternoon tea is more of a female thing.

You don't deserve to be belittled about the driving..but him being there isn't reasonable IMO.

GrannyGrissle · 23/04/2018 17:21

My 60+ year old ex-MIL wouldn't drive on the motorway as her DH had always done so. How sad. Don't be Maureen OP.

peacheachpearplum · 23/04/2018 17:22

Would it work if you husband dropped you halfway? Depends on public transport but sometimes it can make a big difference.

Therealjudgejudy · 23/04/2018 17:23

Good grief you sound like hard work.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 23/04/2018 17:24

I understand your fear about driving but under no circumstances would it be ok to turn up with your DP and I’m astonished that you thought it might be. Either he will be able to entertain himself (mine would be quite happy to find pub or coffee shop and settle down with a book) or you won’t be able to go this time.

MsPavlichenko · 23/04/2018 17:25

That said you should consider going alone with a practice beforehand. I know you are busy but the nights are lighter now so maybe in the evening?

I learned to drive in my late 20s and was super nervous after passing test. What helped me was driving alone actually. Far less pressure and what can someone else fo on any case. Quiet times on motorways are ideal. No lights or roundabouts
Just driving. Maybe try zsome other routes to build your confidance?

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